jesus, my only passion

set apart

2012-01-21T09:20:00.000-08:00

¹⁷ So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. ¹⁸ They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. ¹⁹ Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, and they are full of greed.
²⁰ That, however, is not the way of life you learned ²¹ when you heard about Christ and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. ²² You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; ²³ to be made new in the attitude of your minds; ²⁴ and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness.
Eph 4:17-24

Refiner's fire
my heart's one desire
is to be holy
set apart for you Lord
i choose to be, holy
set apart for you, my Master
ready to do Your will

happy new year!

2012-01-07T09:01:00.000-08:00

some things never change. His love is good. His love is perfect. His love is strong. He is altogether lovely, and i've only scraped the surface.
here's to 2012, and to a journey of seeing Him better, only so i can't help but keep my eyes stuck on His Magnificence.

¹¹ One thing God has spoken,
two things I have heard:
“Power belongs to you, God,
¹² and with you, Lord, is unfailing love”

it's one of those nights

2011-12-03T23:41:00.000-08:00

where my heart aches. it doesn't know exactly what it wants, but it senses that something is near. it doesn't happen too often, but when it does, i jump on the opportunity to see what He wants to do. it's a moment of grace, an open heaven moment, to hit the pause button in the midst of a blur of a season, to sit and open up a weary, thirsty heart. though i haven't been feeling Him much, haven't been hearing much, tonight, this was just what i needed. it's hard to describe the feeling when the indwelt longing put inside me just wants to reach out and encounter the fullness of the One who put it there in the first place. yes, it's almost like i want to scream. scream because tonight, i'd rather die than never encounter whatever it is that my heart is screaming for. tonight, i'd rather die than live a lukewarm life. tonight, i'd rather die than live another day without having this longing met, just for a little while. so i'll sit here, and let You love me. i'll finally let You love me. i know i've been here before, but i'll open up this cold cold heart of mine and stop trying so hard. i'll stop. i'm stopping everything to finally let You love me. i'll wait, i'll wait the rest of my life if i have to, i'll wait even if other people think i'm crazy, too intense, i'll do anything. i'll do anything to have You. i'll wait because i know that You are worth it.

⁹ How is your beloved better than others,
most beautiful of women?
How is your beloved better than others,
that you so charge us?

¹⁰ My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.

SOS 5:9-10

breathe

2011-11-27T22:37:00.000-08:00

like a breath of fresh air

my cry remains the same. i want more of you, God

thankful 2011

2011-11-24T10:43:00.000-08:00

Abba father, this year i thank you for,
1) the prayer room webstream. thank you for the faithful ones at IHOP who cry out to you day and night. thank you for the way they bring me straight to your heart on good days and bad days. thank you for their reminder that you are the same, and unchanging, and your love never ends.
2) my family: dad, for working so hard in china all by himself, so that i will never be in need. mom, for her love for the Lord. for each prayer she prays for me every morning. for the way she teaches me humility and perseverance, and the joy of the Lord. brother and sister, for their support and laughter.

3)Your blood spilled at the cross. your blood speaks a better word. your blood washes me white as snow. your blood that made a way for me to enter into the most holy place, your blood that made a way for me to approach the throne of grace with confidence knowing that You will always be waiting there with arms wide open, regardless of what i have done.
4) Your strong love. your love that is stronger than my sin, my shame, and weaknesses. your love that reaches for me when i don't feel like reaching anymore. your love that never changes even in this new season.
5) the book of psalms. thank you for david's passion, hunger, and raw honesty in his expression of love towards you.
6) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. thank you for Your whispers on mornings i don't want to get up, and all the conversations with me in the car.
7) a new church community at VOH. brothers and sisters to fellowship with. send your fire God!
8) friends from SD that i can still keep in touch with. you know who you are!
9) the privilege of (more) education. the privilege of studying. the privilege that you've called me to pursue medicine only so that you may be glorified. oh that i may be found ready and willing.
10) good grades at westernU. for keeping me above average, and for a good friend to keep me motivated to study 15 hours each day.
11) the shiau family. thank you for a great family to love me and welcome me, to cook me good food, and to let me come over to study and hang out with their daughter.
12) this girl. thank you Father for blessing me with the most beautiful, supportive, and loving girl to partner with me in this season (and for more to come!). help us to love you rightly together, that we would be faithful and obedient with the talents You've given us.

when i heard Your voice

2011-11-12T22:40:00.000-08:00

You have said, "seek my face."
my heart says to you,
Your face, LORD, do i seek.

a good day

2011-10-16T07:49:00.000-07:00

there are some mornings where i wake up and a very nasty feeling comes welling up inside. it doesn't help that it's 5 or 6 in the morning and the sun doesn't come up for a couple of hours. it's a flood of emotions-mostly hopelessness to be honest, as i can't but help but stop and wonder when will this all end? this never-ending cycle of work, study, and more work? what am i working towards? i'm not a machine designed to do nothing but study my brains out. but for med school, that's all that anyone cares about. that's all that determines your ability to succeed--how well you perform on that next test. apart from that, you're worth nothing. you're worth nothing to your professors and you're worth nothing to the person next to you. they're too busy trying to get ahead of you anyways.
i need you Holy Spirit. i'm not a study-machine. i was made to love. to love You and to love others. why has today's society deviated so far from these two simple truths?

i heard that med school was like martyrdom haha. true, but then again, our entire life should be an act of martyrdom. to die to yourself to live for Christ. to set aside all my comforts and my desires for the sake of living for Someone greater than myself. to set aside my self-serving ambitions and dreams to partner with the One who's dream for you is the only one that matters.

i need you Holy Spirit. more than yesterday. i need You to get through today, and i'll need you even more tomorrow. this is my worship. to set aside all things and look upon the One who has set out the path before me. You're with me, so it's going to be a good day.

Your love is strong

2011-10-07T08:27:00.000-07:00

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. SOS 8:6

create in me a pure heart, God. renew a steadfast spirit within me. cause me to burn for You. You deserve so much more than this. i still am the one made for one thing, to love You.
God, it's been hard. school has made it hard. it's been harder to see You, harder to hear You, but i know You're here. You know if i had things my way i'd just make it all disappear right now and it'd be just me and You.
but that would make it too easy. You have bigger plans for me. You want me to walk with You, to talk with You. You want me to be light. but i'm scared, God. the world is a dark place.

let's survive this together. Your eyes are irresistible, Your mercy unending. Your love is strong. i'm holding on.

for Your glory

2011-09-22T22:56:00.000-07:00

ah, where to begin? med school has been a journey.
i'm realizing that life apart from God is an endless journey. a life apart from God is a never-ending cycle of study, work, and stress. it's like finally reaching the top of that hill, only to realize that you have another mountain to climb. unfortunately, that's what life sometimes feels like these days (thank God for jo). which is why i've become ever so grateful of the plain and simple reality that Jesus is my destination, right here right now. Jesus Christ, the hope of glory, is what my life comes down to. i live today to touch His heart and for Him to touch mine. i live tomorrow to take one look upon His face and have the world disappear. i live my life to know that He is here with me right now. apart from that a day has no significance, no matter what i do. i live to bring Him glory, and for Him to be glorified in all that i do.

living in pomona has definitely popped my nice, big and round like-minded UCSD (mostly) asian christian bubble. it's definitely not easy, but then again, i'm reminded that it's never about me. the people here need Jesus. the homeless guy down the street needs Jesus, badly. and being here has caused me to need Him more. could i ask for more?

put me anywhere,
just put Your glory in me.

days of love

2011-07-21T00:12:00.000-07:00

http://youtu.be/3L93CAojM6Q

the days that love began to grow
the days that fears began to fade
those are the days that i'd never trade,
the time it took to fall in love with You

i breathe, i breathe because it brings you pleasure
i live, i live only because You're alive
i will love, love through the pain
till only love remains
i'm Yours, oh Jesus i'm Yours
my life is not my own

there's a peace that comes to my soul when i remember You're in control
there's a joy that comes to my heart when i remember i'm not my own

He's a Man

2011-07-17T09:29:00.000-07:00

when talking about my relationship with God, for a long time i didn't like using the word "God". i didn't really know why. the concept of "God" was too big, too ethereal and abstract for my mind to comprehend. it was almost too spiritual. for a long time, "God" never had a face, or a real voice for me to really comprehend. "God" remained far and distant, and a "touch" from "God" seemed impossible. i needed something tangible. i needed someone personal, someone who i could talk to, and someone who could talk back to me. i needed Jesus, for Jesus is the only way to the Father (john 14:6).

in the Person of Jesus, my God became a man. He's a living person, with emotions, a personality, a face to gaze upon, and big steady hands to hold. He has eyes that pierce the depths of my soul, full of kindness, and a mouth that brings forth sweet kisses of His word. He has a shoulder for me to lean into, arms to embrace me with, and a beating heart, full of love. He's more than a concept to understand, and more than just words on a page. He's more than religious rituals, more than that feel-good sermon to stir my heart. He's more than a nice idea, more than polished, articulate theology. He's more than the nice language i use to describe Him on this blog. He's more than all the music and words we sing at church. He's even more than a list of truths or a list of qualities that i keep trying to fill my mind with. He's a real, living person. He's a lovesick bridegroom, wanting nothing more than to hear the voice and see the face of His bride. like any other bridegroom jealous for the love of His bride, He wants all of me. He's like any other Husband who desires to spend quality time with His Bride, and share life.

now, when i pray to God i don't find myself throwing words out to some spiritual force somewhere out there, hoping that they are heard. when i pray, i talk to a Man. i talk to Him in the same way i talk to any other person i love. i ask Him what He's thinking, what He's feeling. i share with Him my struggles, my praises, and my failures. He talks back to me, and encourages me. He shares with me the secrets of His heart. He gives me hope and a future. His words give me joy.

in my reaching and searching the air for some sign of His nearness, i've made it more complicated than it should be. He's a Man, and He's in love with me.

deeper roots

2011-07-10T15:10:00.000-07:00

i'm realizing that life is full of changes. decisions to be made, and more changes. days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. jobs, school, and people in life come and go. so much of our lives are dependent on circumstance. the journey of faith is growing in love for an unseen God in the midst of overcoming the effects of a physical world on our spirit. even the smallest things can make or break our day. too often we get caught up in the moment. we catch ourselves living as if we belong to the world, and we allow ourselves to be shaken. we put ourselves at the center of our self-serving life, and we lose sight of the bigger picture, the bigger constants, and we lose sight of our God. and at the end of the day, i find my weak frame clinging to a strong God.
as i reflect on the past seasons, and prepare for seasons to come, i realize that maturity is to know that God is always in control, He is always near, He is always good, and He is always bigger than me. maturity is to have a deep trust in my Father, that my spirit would remain unshaken as the waves of life come crashing down. maturity is to remain confident and unoffended in the perfect leadership of God, even in these last days, and to follow Him wherever He goes.
my journey of faith is more than a few month's worth of an internship, more than a few years at any community, fellowship, culture of faith, or school. my journey of faith is a fight to the very end, until the day i see His face. oh that i would continue to reach, continue to run harder than i did yesterday, never looking back, and only going forward. oh if in 50 to 60 years from now i would stand in even greater confidence in the steadfast love of a good God. would it begin now, that i would close my eyes at any given moment and recognize His indwelling presence within me, and hear His voice of delight and pleasure. to rejoice at the sound of my Beloved. oh that i would live life resting under the shadow of His wings, the place where i can feel the peace of God that transcends all understanding, which is the gateway into a life of freedom and true joy.

the best part about it all is that my God is unchanging. He is constant, steadfast in love and mercy. He is full of grace and truth, and He is smiling at me.

the king rejoices in the LORD's strength

2011-07-09T09:39:00.000-07:00

The king rejoices in your strength, LORD.
How great is his joy in the victories you give!
You have granted him his heart’s desire
and have not withheld the request of his lips.
You came to greet him with rich blessings
and placed a crown of pure gold on his head.
He asked you for life, and you gave it to him—
length of days, for ever and ever.
Through the victories you gave, his glory is great;
you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty.
Surely you have granted him unending blessings
and made him glad with the joy of your presence.
For the king trusts in the LORD;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
he will not be shaken.

there is no gap

2011-06-24T10:25:00.000-07:00

18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 “A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also. 20 At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.

John 14:18-20

Jesus' greatest desire was that we would be with Him (john 17:24). He chose to become man for eternity so that He would dwell with me. not only would He dwell with me, but within me. and not only within me, but one with me. yes, the God that spoke creation into being has become one with my spirit (1 cor 6:17). my spirit has become His, and His Spirit has become mine. He is closer to me than my own skin, and He never leaves.
at the same time, the biggest lie i can ever hear is that God is distant when i don't feel Him, see Him, or hear Him and that i need to perform in some way or posture myself and make myself presentable in order for God to come near to me. yet, i know that He is near. i know that He wants me, not for what i can do, but for who i am. one of the greatest mysteries is this: how God would find so much worth in a heart like mine that He would choose to take residence in it for eternity. oh how badly He wants me!
now, when i pray, i am no longer seeking to somehow span the gap between my heart and Jesus, for His broken body has breached the gap. Jesus has taken up residence within me through the Spirit and my prayers now come from loving response of Him in me, because there is no gap. Holy Spirit dwells within me. He helps me when i'm weak. He cares for me. He prays for me when i have no strength to pray (rom 8:26). He wants to talk to me, and is waiting for me. i slow down. His gentleness and kindness overwhelms me. i can't help but turn inward and see Him. i talk to Him and tell Him my struggles. my anxious thoughts spill from my mouth. He smiles, for He knows all things. i hear His voice. He comforts me, and tells me it's gonna be okay. my heart is overjoyed.

thank you Holy Spirit. i love Your presence in me.

reality check

2011-06-22T11:12:00.001-07:00

^{After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here"}

^{rev 4:1}

^{Right now our eyes look at the landscape around us and see grass browned by the sun, cars speeding around as though they were actually doing something important, beleaguered people bent beneath the weight of the day bearing down upon their weary shoulders…just normal, everyday, life. Yet at the very same moment, somewhere beyond reckoning, upon a deep blue expanse, living creatures cry out at the sight of unthinkable beauty, elders fall, the voices of angels resound through the heavenly assembly. Covered with eyes, the burning ones surrounding His throne gaze upon Him with ever replenishing wonder.}

^-s.v.

oh Jesus

2011-05-29T16:36:00.000-07:00

Love is the greatest and most excellent thing we are masters of; and therefore it is folly and baseness to bestow it unworthily; it is indeed, the only thing we can call our own, other things may be taken from us by violence; but none can ravish our love: if anything else be counted ours, by giving our love, we give all.

-h.s.

I will hold Him and I will never let Him go; I will die with Him, and will be consumed in the flames of His love. One flame will consume this divine Creator and His wretched creature. Jesus gives Himself unreservedly to me, and I give myself unreservedly to Him. I will live and die in His loving arms; neither life nor death shall ever separate me from Him. O eternal love, my soul longs after You, and chooses You forever. Come, Holy Spirit, and inflame our hearts in love. O to love! O to die! To die to all other loves, and to live only for the love of Jesus Christ! O redeemer of our souls, grant that we may eternally sing, long live Jesus, whom I love. I love Jesus, who lives forever and ever.

-st. alphonsus liguori

higher grounds

2011-05-17T15:19:00.000-07:00

eric,
just don't give up
don't give in
if you don't quit, you win
you win.

You knew what You were getting into but You still want me!

my eyes are dry

2011-05-16T09:12:00.000-07:00

my faith is old
my heart is hard
my prayers are cold
and i know how i ought to be
alive to You and dead to me

but what can be done
for an old heart like mine
soften it up
with oil and wine
the oil is You, Your spirit of love
please wash me anew
with the wine of Your blood

-k.g.

i shall not die but live and declare praises!

2011-05-11T16:33:00.000-07:00

i've been learning a lot about praise and thanksgiving these days. the power of praise and thanksgiving is that it renews my mind (Rom 12:2) from the natural tendency of my unrenewed mind to think negatively or to be worried or anxious and it sets my mind on the character and truths of God that easily escape my mind.

after watching this joyful set (starting around the 40-50 minute mark) i made a list of things about the character of Jesus that i'm thankful for.

thank you Jesus for,

1) clothing me with righteousness (2 Cor 5:21) in the depths of my sin, even when I still hated You (Rom 5:10)

2) raising me up and seating me at Your right hand in the heavenly places (Eph 2:6), and making Your home INSIDE of me through the indwelling of your Holy Spirit (14:23)

3) giving me the grace and anointing to love You and to love others

4) the spirit of adoption, that I could call You Abba Father (Rom 8:15)

5) your perfect leadership, that You always know what is best for me, down to every detail

6) being the Good Shepherd who always leads me into paths of righteousness. (Ps 23:3) No one who waits upon You will be put to shame. (Ps 25:3)

7) knowing me better than I know myself (Ps 139:1). I have no shame when I stand before You. I don’t need to hide anything from You. You know my thoughts and words even before it is on my tongue (Ps139:4)

8) Your perfect love that which satisfies every desire of my heart (Ps 37:4). only You can satisfy my heart’s desires.

9) being a God that withholds no good thing from me. You are my shield and my great reward (Gen 15:1)

10) not leaving me to be alone. for You have given me Holy Spirit, my Comforter, Teacher, and Helper (John 14:16), my Advocate, and my Best Friend.

11) being a God of justice. You hear every heart’s cry, you hold every tear in your hand, for Your name is Faithful and True (Rev. 19:11)

12) being a God of covenants. You who kept your promises with Abraham, Noah, and Moses. For all your promises are yes and amen! (2 Cor 1:20)

13) never leaving nor forsaking me (Heb 13:5) nor forgetting about me. for you have graven me on the palm of your hands (Is 49:15)

14) coming down to earth to set every captive free, to proclaim liberty to the brokenhearted, and freedom to the oppressed. (Luke 4:18). You who are committed to making every wrong thing right (Is 62:1)

15) in my weakness and sin, you chose me and call me holy, blameless, and pure (Eph 1:4)

16) sending your son Jesus, who through His body, made a new and living way (Heb 10:20) when there didn’t have to be one, for me to come boldly and without shame into Your presence, so that you can pour out your love and mercy, because you love me.

17) being constant, unchanging, the same yesterday today and forever (Heb 13:8)

18) being steadfast in love, abounding in mercy, grace and kindness. (Ps. 145:8)

19) the depths of your mercy and irresistible grace. Your kindness leads to repentance (Rom 2:4)

20) You never give up on us, you are committed to us. you chase us down with your love. Your love that which is relentless and patient, longsuffering.

21) Your transcendent beauty, that which causes angels and the twenty four elders and four living creatures to gaze upon you day and night (Rev 4). I will join them and gaze upon You.

22) Always being with me. You never leave me nor forsake me. Your eyes are upon me always. Just knowing that you’re here with me now changes everything.

23) giving me beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise for heaviness, that you would call me an oak of righteousness (Is 61:3)

24) Your desire for me, that which is greater than my desire for you (John 17:24)

the list is endless!

i love you mom

2011-05-08T01:01:00.000-07:00

dear mom,
happy mother's day and early birthday. i just wanted to tell the world how much i love you and how special you are to me. this year you're in china visiting dad, so there's no one to cook breakfast for this sunday morning. maybe i'll just cook for alicia, and i'll leave the card for you to read when you come back. you always cry when we give you the mother's day card, because your heart is so tender, so full of love for us and this family.
mom, thanks for being the rock of our family. i know it hasn't been easy, but your love for dad and our family is a living example of 1 corinthians 13 true love. mom, you really taught me what it means to love without expecting anything in return. you taught me how to love the unlovely, those who need love the most. you love with a love that never gives up.
mom, thanks for teaching me what joy is. that joy isn't a feeling or emotion, but a decision to take our eyes off our circumstances and find our joy in the everlasting goodness of God. your desire to praise God in every situation, especially in hard circumstances has given me a reason to rejoice always, to praise God always. thanks for teaching me how to live a life focused not on the sufferings and trials of this world, but on the eternal glory and pleasures found at the right hand of God.
mom, thanks for your smile and laughter, even in the most broken circumstances. the times you praise God when dad isn't in a good mood reminds me that i have no right to live even for a moment in sadness or fear, but that the joy of the LORD is our strength. your joy despite all the hardships in your life leaves me speechless, and always stops me from self-pity when i think my life is hard.
mom, thanks for your passion for Jesus. the way you get up at the early hours of every morning to wait upon God. the ways you have taught me to believe in prayer, the ways God heard our prayers and saved dad and our family; the ways you prayed me into who i am today, the ways you pray for my future wife =), your prayers made all the difference, mom.
mom, thanks for your sacrifice. the ways you chose not to work just so you could spend time raising me, rick and alicia. we all love you so much. thanks for your selfless love to value us more than yourself or your career.
mom, thanks for always being so proud of me, even before i have done a thing. thanks for always reminding me of my strengths, and believing in me even when i don't believe in myself. thanks for calling me the smartest boy in the world even if i don't get the best grades, and always finding worth in me even when i don't see it in myself. thanks for always reminding me that i am God's beloved son.
mom, thanks for all the good food, emails (even if your english isn't that good), hour-long phone conversations, and every single one of our talks in the kitchen about Jesus, family, life, and more Jesus. i will never forget all the times we prayed and cried out to to God together. He heard all of our prayers.
mom, thanks for being not just a mom, but a friend, who always listens and who i can always trust.

i love you mom.
may you walk even closer to Jesus this year.

love,
eric

i'm Yours

2011-05-05T13:41:00.000-07:00

i'm Yours, to take and break
just me make me sensitive to You,
i've come too far to turn around now,
there's nothing I wouldn't do,
to hear Your words of life LORD,
to be as close to You,
as any man has ever dared to come.
i'm Yours.

all my fountains are in You
all my desires are found there too
i am only satisfied, satisfied in You

all I really want to do is find You,
all I really want to do is stay there when I do.

You are the richest of fare

2011-04-21T11:28:00.000-07:00

"To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life."

rev 21:6

“Come, all you who are thirsty,

come to the waters;
and you who have no money,
   come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
   without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
   and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
   and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
   listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
   my faithful love promised to David.
is 55:1-3

The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life.
rev 22:17

Something dynamic occurs when we take all of the depths of yearning within and turn

toward God only to find that He is actually the author of it, and He is vehemently committed to satisfying it with Himself. This is the romance of the Gospel.
-s.v.

the best feeling ever

2011-04-01T14:53:00.000-07:00

²¹ “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven. ²² Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’ ²³ Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’
matt 7:21-23
¹ “At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom. ² Five of them were foolish and five were wise. ³ The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them. ⁴ The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps. ⁵ The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep.
   ⁶ “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’
   ⁷ “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps. ⁸ The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’
   ⁹ “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’
   ¹⁰ “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut.
   ¹¹ “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’
   ¹² “But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’
   ¹³ “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour.
matt 25:1-13

the worst feeling ever is to finish life as christians thinking we had it right the whole time, only to stand before Christ at the judgment seat and hear God say, "i'm sorry, but I don't know you".
it's quite contradictory that an omniscient God would claim to not know us, the objects of His very own creation, the ones He loves to the point of death on a cross. it's crazy to think that the God of psalm 139, the One who knows when we sit down and when we rise, the One who knows all our thoughts and desires would reject us with such harshness at the judgment seat. (yet He rejects because He knows the heart!)
i realized there's a difference between knowing about an omniscient God versus opening up my heart and asking God to search and know me. there's a difference between knowing about God versus Knowing God. likewise, there's a difference between the way God knows about every single person in the world versus the way he Knows those who He can call His friends. the semantics are subtly different, but the implications are drastically different, as different as heaven is to hell.
the divine romance begins when one enters into a love relationship with the Person of Jesus. it is journey of eternity, where relationship is above religion, heart above ritual, and a broken and contrite heart is more important than sacrifice. in such times as these, i want to live with a spiritual violence (matt 11:12) and a sense of urgency. i want to live like Jesus was coming back tomorrow. i want to stay awake (matt 24:42), keep watch and pray against temptation (matt 26:41), and love Him with every fiber of my being. i want to sit before Jesus, and lavish Him with worship. like oil upon His feet, like wine for Him to drink. like water from my heart.
i don't want regret on the day i stand before Him. i'm going to start caring less about how hard i run after Him because intense is my only appropriate response after i've caught a glimpse of just how worthy He is. i know from the depths of my soul that He's more than worth it.
i'm preparing and i look forward to the day i stand before the throne with confidence. i would look at that face filled with kindness, and that familiar gaze...those eyes like flames of fire, head as white as wool, and a voice that sounds like water. He speaks, and His voice is so familiar.
"well done, Eric, let us enter into eternity together."

that would be the best feeling ever.

unoffended heart

2011-03-30T10:55:00.000-07:00

as i follow Jesus there have been many moments where my heart becomes offended. it happens most often when I think that i've heard the LORD correctly on one thing, prayed about it, take a risk and step into that direction, only to get the door slammed shut on me. it's one of the most painful experiences in the world. it hurts because throughout it all, i had thought the LORD's hand was upon me and guiding me. throughout it all, i had been trying my best to discern and follow Jesus wherever He was leading me, and all of a sudden i feel alone, abandoned, and "set up" by God for disappointment. it's painful because it breaks trust, and my confidence in my ability to discern and hear from the LORD, and on top of that it's a blow to my faith in a loving, good God that has the best intentions for me. however, as i look back, such feelings were but temporary.

You turn things upside down!

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,
"He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
"He has no understanding"?

is 29:16

the journey of trusting the perfect leadership of an invisible God is one that requires an unoffended heart. it's one that has to embrace the hard fact that following Jesus isn't a peachy and easy road where things will always go our way. in fact it's never even about our way to begin with. as i reflect on my past 4 years at UCSD (and even prior to that) there were many moments where life has just not gone as i had expected. (during such moments i would sigh, "oh life"). unanswered prayers, circumstances, hardships and conflicts in relationships, academics, ministry, or life calling have left me in places where i really question God's good intentions for me.

the weird thing is that the best way God has grown my heart is to offend it. it's one of those upside down kingdom paradoxes that God uses to mature my heart and my trust in His leadership. the journey of surrender is a journey of death to self. by His grace He wrecks my plans and expectations only to ask do you still trust me, Eric? even now? once i'm here i realize i have no where to turn but into His sovereign, perfect will for my life. He intentionally allows life to go a way that offends my heart, and He leaves me with the invitation to see if i will still trust that His ways are higher (is 55:9), and His ways are better, that He is still for me, cares for me, and that He still loves me. He breaks down my pride and my self-confidence apart from Him, only that i would come out leaning. little did i know that during my self-pity sessions, He knew the end of the story, that i would come up from the wilderness leaning on Him. and i will lean! for He always knows what is best for me.

today, i'm left at a place where i know that regardless of any current circumstance, trial, tribulation, or struggle, all are but light and momentary afflictions that are producing in me an eternal weight of glory (2 cor 4:17-18). in His kindness the LORD offends my heart so that i would learn to cultivate an unoffended heart, for blessed are those who are unoffended in Him (matt 11:6). through this process i come out leaning, confident that my life is not my own, and i begin to live with a perspective of eternity--that life is far more than what is seen.

His left hand is under my head,
and his right hand embraces me!
SOS 2:6

perfect leadership

2011-03-15T16:13:00.000-07:00

i’m just called to lay that all down and recognize my complete lack, or else i’ll think that i can lead myself. i'm only called to follow, to know His voice, to not be presumptuous, and recognize my need for the Holy Spirit at any given moment. when I do things, I can only judge from what I see in my given circumstance. He sees beyond and directs me from the standpoint of eternity. my responsibility is not to be clever and try to do what I think is best, but to follow whatever He is saying and forsake the limited parameters of humanly wisdom. His ways are higher than mine.

-a.h.

You always know what is best for me.

poor in spirit

2011-03-14T17:09:00.000-07:00

"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"

"blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth"

-Jesus, matt 5:3, 5

Jesus was the perfect example of humility and meekness. He said Himself that He came to earth with a purpose: not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (matt 20:28).

as i wrestle with spiritual poverty i realize the extent of my self-centered, prideful nature that secretly likes to exalt myself and takes joy in self-promotion and self-preservation. He has been kind to expose my self-seeking/self-glorifying nature that keeps me from loving Him wholeheartedly. oh that He would increase and i would decrease!

1) each breath of life is by His mercy (lam 3:23). i desire to take my eyes off myself and to be humbled by a God far greater than my self-centered life. to prostrate myself before the God who holds the world in His hands. He is the one who gives and takes away, the one who initiates and ends all seasons. (ecc 3:1)

2) every good thing is a gift from Him. i have no good thing apart from Him (ps 16:2). there is nothing good in this world apart from the goodness of Jesus and a life found in Him. all eternal pleasures are at His right hand (ps 16:11). every other pleasure is but temporary.

3) i am nothing without Him. without Him i have nothing. without Him, i am but a man of sinful nature (jer 17:9), deserving nothing but eternal death. (rom 6:23). but since Love came down, it has never been about what i deserve. oh, the ocean of grace.

4) i couldn't even love Him or know Him had He not opened my eyes first (1 john 4:19). to realize that i was doomed for hell but He pulled me out and seated me on His throne (eph 2:6). and to think that He did all this while i still hated Him because of my sin (rom 5:8)? never again shall i think that my self-righteous sacrifice or burnt offerings (ps 51: 16) can do me any good. for all He desires is a broken and contrite heart.

5) i own nothing. nothing belongs to me. nothing is entitled to me. i want to live with the reverence and awe that comes with knowing that my life is not my own. all my skills, talents, relationships, money, resources, come from Him. never for a moment should i think that any good thing came from myself. and never should i boast about any gift that came from Him, nor should any of it be used for my own gain, self-promotion, selfish desires, but everything for His glory. never should i for a moment relish or take pride or take credit for any good thing about myself.

6) finally, without Him i can do nothing. (john 15:5) oh, how i need Him.

oh the joys of a life crucified with Christ! oh the freedom found in death to self and complete abandonment to Jesus! oh the joys of sweet surrender, of breaking free from a self-centered life and a life wholly surrendered to Jesus!

glory of an intercessor

2011-03-14T01:02:00.000-07:00

between the sovereignty of God and the destiny of man, one finds the intercessor. there, in the great chasm between God's blazing righteousness and man's fallenness, an intercessor is found waiting. there, love waits and wrestles for God to be heard and man to be pitied. the courageous are found there, fighting for God to be adored and man to be accepted. in this holy place, one enters into the suffering heart of the Mediator, Jesus, who vindicates His Father's glorious name and atones for the rebellion. this is a holy place, a divine meeting where doors open to deep caverns of divine paradox, where God's emotions and economy lead to groans and pleas for triumph and redemption. blessed is the man who waits here.
-excellencies of christ

Jesus, come and make wrong things right. this world needs You.
i need You.

strong love

2011-03-12T21:56:00.000-08:00

it's never about how hard i try.
Your love is strong.
i will hold on.

i look into Your eyes of mercy
i remember that Your heart is for me
i'm holding on to Your divine love
i'm holding on and i'm not letting go
it's not my zeal it's that Your love is strong
it's not my strength it's that You're faithful

what You love to do

2011-03-02T11:33:00.000-08:00

Within the human heart is a latent accusation against God—the belief that He is mostly unwilling to care about our lives, or at least is delayed in His sensitivity. This subtle accusation greatly impacts our prayer life and results in anemic prayers. We put more faith in the potency of our culture than the potency of God’s fiery passion to come and make wrong things right in our lives. We fail to lay hold of the one thing which is fighting on our behalf—God’s great compassion toward us. If we do not understand His zeal for us, we may offer up words, but faith-filled prayer is absent. All we can say are weak words that express our desperate wish for God to listen, instead of prayers that apprehend God’s zealous heart and call for Him to come do what He loves to do.
-excellencies of christ

You don't just stand at a distance with arms folded, watching me go through the motions of life. rather, you are actively involved, as the Jealous Fighter on my behalf; everything You do screams i love you. everything you do says You care.

there is nothing You love to do more than to win over a human heart
come win mine all over again.

locked garden

2011-02-26T12:27:00.000-08:00

today, i'm learning to treasure the rawness of a heart open and exposed to God. it can be one of the most uncomfortable and boring places to be, yet remains as the life source of my very existence. on some days it's the place i dread, yet on other days it's the place where i'm in tears as i come face to face with the One who made me and holds my life in His hands.
as i wait, the depravity and barrenness of my heart becomes so clear. it's a very uncomfortable place to be, to have my sinful heart laid bare before a perfect, pure, and holy God. the silence becomes unbearable as distractions begin to flood my mind, but i keep waiting. i wait because He is good. He is gentle. He's the kindest person I know, and i will not leave this place until i meet Him.

barrenness of love

2011-02-24T11:35:00.000-08:00

there are some seasons where love is easy--out of an overflow of emotion. Your heart is tender, You feel His nearness, His presence, and Your heart is easily moved. you are romanced and wooed into the pleasures of loving Him. everything makes sense, and You are so in love with Jesus! a season of glory, you say.

there are other seasons where love is difficult. love becomes a labor, a decision, a discipline. it becomes a choice of the mind. love now feels like a dry and weary land where there is no water (ps 63), and you do not feel anything. the pains and unbelief of the reality of a distant, invisible God set in on you, and love becomes hard. you wonder how long this desert season will last, and what you have done wrong to deserve such an ill fate.

praise God for seasons where love is easy.
praise God even more for seasons where love is difficult. the barrenness of love is where the gold of our heart is refined. to say yes to Jesus in the barrenness of love is to know that He brings us into just the right season to cultivate our love for Him. that in the end, we may stand before Him and say with confidence, "we have loved You well!"
and to hear Him say, "well done, my beloved one. your love has been real, your love has been true. look, i wrote it all down in my book. let us now enjoy eternity together."

simplicity

2011-02-24T11:14:00.000-08:00

it's amazing how i can still go through the motions without actually engaging with You. it's amazing how i can still catch myself in moments where externally, i sing songs, pray, read the Word, yet i can do it completely detached from You. its amazing how easy it is to go through the activities and everything becomes routine, and subconsciously, i have switched my heart on autopilot, and before i know it, a dull spirit has creeped its way into my heart. before i know it, my heart has become hardened to your Word, and that sweet ache of a lovesick heart now seems so foreign. oh that You would tenderize my heart!

it's amazing how i can learn so much about You--through great teachings, read volumes of books about You, and fill my head with so much great knowledge about You, yet my heart can be so empty. internally, You are nowhere to be found. i have absolutely no awareness of Your manifest presence, and i'm not actively engaging with You. it's amazing how much head knowledge, how much "religion" i can have without actually encountering You.

it's amazing how i can make it all about anything and everything BUT encountering You, Jesus. it's amazing how i can make it about my striving, grasping a new piece of bible knowledge, my problems, my circumstance, me me me, and not just the beauty of the simplicity of my heart joined with Yours.
it always comes down to that locked gaze, that place where i love You, and You love me.

Abba, i'm still learning to wait upon You. it is so much easier to strive, to wrestle than to wait. and through it all i'm so easily troubled with an anxious thought, consumed with a frustrating circumstance, or if anything, pre-occupied with unbelief that comes with a relationship with You, an invisible God.

Eric, just talk to me.
just turn your gaze inward and direct all your dialogue and thoughts towards Me.
the simplicity of this one thing:
i love you, and you love me.

vision for my life

2011-02-12T13:30:00.000-08:00

if only one thing was certain thirty, forty, fifty years from now, it would be that i would be more in love with Jesus than i am today. sure, a loving family, a fruitful ministry, and favor in finances would be great, but when i'm old, wrinkly, and grey-haired, i ask only for one thing to be certain--that i would be found loving Jesus with every fiber of my being. i look to the day when i would weep even at the mention of the name of Jesus. oh Jesus, no sweeter name. i want to be moved to tears when i open scripture, not for the sake of being emotional, but because i am so deeply in love with the Man that i encounter when i read each living word, the Man that i've grown to know so well and love over the course of the years.

it all comes down to that wedding day, the day where i stand before your judgment seat and You ask me one question: how well did you love? when it's been said and when it's all been done, when the race is run it all comes to love.

i want no regrets when i stand before you on that day. it would be the worst feeling, to enter into eternity only realize that i could've given you more. give me grace, give me strength, to love You rightly, God. let it begin today, right now.

so no reservations, no wall,
but just an open door in my heart for You
i'm gonna give all that's inside of my heart to You.

story of my life

2011-02-02T16:15:00.000-08:00

waves of life

2011-01-28T12:10:00.000-08:00

¹⁵As for man, his days are like grass;
   he flourishes like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
   andits place knows it no more.
¹⁷ But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
   and his righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ to those whokeep his covenant
   and remember to do his commandments.
ps 103:15-17

our lives are like waves tossed in the ocean of life. as human beings, the ups and downs of circumstance, stress, emotions, feelings, and seasons are what naturally determine our well-being. unfortunately, we often let these "non-factors" determine our relationship with Jesus.
at the very core of spirituality and a relationship with Jesus is this: to deny ourselves and embrace the steadfast love of Jesus. it is a conscious decision (a difficult one for that matter) to say no to our un-Godly emotions (fear, anxiety, depression) and to renew our minds in the loving promises of Christ. we have to be really intentional in how we take our mind off of the present light and momentary circumstance/emotion/feeling and set our focus and gaze on the constancy of the character of God. and how easy we forget the faithfulness of God! and how easy our mind and faith falters! yet even in weakness, He loves us.
our decision to say a (weak) yes to Jesus when we least feel like it is a very counter-cultural, counter-intuitive way of thinking. it is a very selfless act to deny our self-seeking, self-centered way of thinking and to set our heart, soul, mind, and spirit on the living word of God, the man Christ Jesus, the One who makes all things work for our good. let our hearts be anchored in the love of Christ in the midst of the rocking and shaking in the waves of life. let us come to Jesus, the One who, at the end of the day, is the only one who knows what is good for me.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
rom 12:2

i believe in the worth of the Lamb

excellencies of Christ

2011-01-25T12:55:00.000-08:00

i find my heart longing today, lonely, hungry for something authentic. something is awakening in the depths, stirred in this season by an unknown hand, an unseen Helper. my heart can barely stand the thought of another unique teaching or keen insight from another anointed vessel. i am aching only for Jesus, wanting Him and Him alone, undone by the piercing depths of His heart, His life, and his love. -a.h.

the cross was not drudgery for You. You bore the cross with joy. joy even in the midst of unfathomable pain. joy because You were thinking of me. Your sole longing was me, that i may be with You and see You in Your glory, that i would be able to feel the same love Your Father had for You. joy because you knew that all death and humiliation was nothing compared to receiving the greatest yearning of Your heart -- me.

life abundant

2011-01-22T21:07:00.000-08:00

there's so much more that i can't see right now,
but if i wait on You,
You'll show me more than i can believe.
i will find my contentment in You.

life abundant, nothing less.

until that day

2011-01-12T09:44:00.000-08:00

so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. tor the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. though you have not seen him, you love him. though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.

blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

2 cor 4:16-18, 1 pet 1:6-9, james 1:12

but until that day, i'm longing for the new jerusalem.

the wilderness

2011-01-10T10:04:00.000-08:00

few say yes to it. it's a place of testing (james 1:3), trials (james 1:2), refining (rev. 3:18), purifying (rev. 19:7), purging (gal 5:24), self denial (matt 16:24), death to self (phil 1:21), shaking (heb 12:27), breaking-and-molding (2 cor 4:7). the wilderness is characterized with seasons of pain, distress, (light and momentary) affliction, weakness, temptation, doubt, and suffering. such seasons are filled with wrestling, contending, warfare, persevering, toiling, striving, enduring. and throughout it all, we wonder: is this what i signed up for? is this what i said yes to when i agreed to follow You no matter the cost? where is the joy? the freedom? the peace that You claim to offer?

we do whatever we can to avoid the wilderness. we busy ourselves with distractions, any temporary (inferior) pleasure to keep us from coming face to face with the barrenness that is the depravity of our soul and a lack of any good thing apart from the love of Jesus. there is something very uncomfortable about the barrenness of a human heart exposed to the glory of God. as our heart is put into the refining furnace of His love, impurities come out--suddenly our loneliness, emptiness, and insecurities are exposed. suddenly, i realize that i don't trust God as much as i thought i did...God, are you really good? are you there God? i'm really hurting right now. if you really are as good as you say you are, why is there so much crap in my life? why do You feel so far? do You really care about me? God this sucks, i am so sad right now. we get uncomfortable, and we want out of the fire as soon as possible, and we settle--we make our way to the wide road of lukewarm christianity, where we don't have to deal with the discomforts of what ultimately is offense at God. how could you put me through that, God? we leave and we jump right back into the busy-ness of christian routine and hide under our religious christian "label" and grind out our mundane and unfulfilling life until we die and (supposedly) reach heaven. (my bad for being so blunt)

the saddest thing about wilderness seasons is that by avoiding them, we are actually denying a gift straight from the Father's heart. by indulging ourselves in temporary distractions, chasing after broken cisterns that which dull our ears to the whispers of His voice alluring us into the wilderness, we are ultimately missing out on the fountain of life, superior pleasures found at His right hand! it's His kindness and His grace that beckons us to come closer to His throne of grace. it is an invitation to come and enter into the fullness of life! it begins with allowing Him to surface the doubts, fears, offense, insecurities so deeply rooted in our hearts that we didn't even know they were there in the first place, and surrender at the foot of the cross, so that we may live a life of freedom and abundant life (john 10:10).

one of the hardest things about the wilderness is to believe that we are making progress. am i just running in circles, God? God, you feel so far right now, are you really doing a work in my heart right now? i'm so frustrated right now, sitting here wrestling with You. i don't think i'm getting anywhere. yet by faith we take things day by day, step by step, renewing our spirit in His daily mercies, as we deny the lies that tell us anything otherwise, cling to His promises (rom 8:28), and set our eyes on the goal of seeing His face.

i need a perspective shift. yes, to be poor in spirit (matt 5:3) and to recognize every good and perfect gift comes from His throne of grace (james 1:17). to set my eyes upon His ways, to seek and say yes to every word that comes from His mouth, that i may remain abiding in His word (ps 119), and not mine. to humble my stubborn, prideful, self-centered self and realize my lack of knowing what is good for myself apart from Him. all i have to offer Him is my broken and weak heart (ps 51:17) and a "yes" cry of my heart. oh that i may die to my self-preserving love for myself (john 12:25) and take joy in sweet adoration! oh that i may submit and surrender my every desire and look towards the joy set before me found at the day i see Him face to face. though the satisfaction is not instantaneous, i know it will be worth it.

until then, i will say yes to the wilderness, and offer all my heart. my Dad has big, steady hands, He knows what He's doing.

i will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart

eternity's vision

2011-01-09T00:30:00.000-08:00

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
   I will lead her into the wilderness
   and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
   and will make the Valley of Achora door of hope.
There she will respondas in the days of her youth,
   as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
   “you will call me ‘my husband’;
   you will no longer call me ‘my master.’
¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
   no longer will their names be invoked.
¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them
   with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
   and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
   I will abolish from the land,
   so that all may lie down in safety.
¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever;
   I will betroth you inrighteousness and justice,
   inlove and compassion.
²⁰ I will betroth you infaithfulness,
   and you will acknowledge the LORD.
hosea 12:14-20

in Your lovingkindness, You woo me into the wilderness. oh the wilderness. it's only here where You speak so tenderly to me. all of a sudden, Your familiar voice becomes so clear.
You turn my troubles into a door of hope. You are my peace, my hope. You are peace. You are hope.
no longer my master, you are now my husband. in this place, with a ravished heart, You marry me forever.

there's gonna be a day when i stand before your throne, in the presence of the heavenly hosts of angels. i'll finally see you face to face.
i'll know it was worth it all.
there's gonna be a wedding, it's the reason that i'm living, to marry the Lamb.
this is eternity's vision, to lose it all for the sake of gaining You.

a purpose

2011-01-05T11:03:00.000-08:00

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
james 4:13-15

"If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, “I wonder why God allowed this or that?” And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God."
-oswald chambers

Jesus, take me into oneness with You. not my purpose for my life, but Your purpose for a life surrendered unto You. my life is no longer my own. remind me that my life is but a vapor. let me die to myself, to let you be my Leader. Your leadership is perfect, help my unbelief. where You go i go what you say i say, what You pray i pray. let me be one with Your will, your purpose. i surrender my will, my ambitions at Your feet. Abba, forgive me for my self-centeredness. forgive me for putting my ways above Yours. forgive me for my stubbornness and being an overthinking control freak and wanting things to always go my way in my time. all of time is in your hands. forgive me for my tunnel vision, my inability to see beyond my light and momentary afflictions, my inability to see the big picture, my inability to see things the way You see them. open up my eyes that i may see wondrous things from Your law.
i lift up my eyes to You. i lift my soul to You. my help comes from You alone. give me grace to remain obedient to Your ways alone. help me to stop questioning Your ways and set my heart to find freedom in Your will alone. all i am, have and ever hope to be, all my ambitions hopes and plans are forever Yours. let eternity begin now, that i may be one with You. i am Yours, i am Yours, i am Yours.

barrenness

2011-01-03T11:24:00.000-08:00

Eric, will you trust Me?
You always strip my heart bare until I have nothing else to hold on to but You. in this place, the only thing I can do is cling on to you for dear life (and for the sake of my sanity)
there’s something very uncomfortable about barrenness. in this “naked” state of my heart, I come face to face with my depravity, and just how weak and vulnerable I am without Him. I don’t like feeling weak, unsure about the future. but my weakness shows areas of my life I have yet to surrender to Him. in this upside-down kingdom, only the weak enter the kingdom, only be strengthened, filled with hope that comes with submitting to the leadership of the One who created me.
Eric, will you trust Me?
the beauty (and pain) of barrenness is that it forces me into a place of dependency. my flesh doesn’t want to become dependent. my flesh wants to be self-sufficient, confident in my own plans for the future, and secure in the life i’m dying to have control over. confession: I am a control freak. i like to have a tight grip on to every area of my life. there are few things that bring me more peace in life than knowing a future that I can have control over. few things bring me more peace than a world where relationships, career, and future is under my control
Eric, will you trust Me?
a season of transition is a season in the wilderness. but this kind of wilderness isn’t one where God feels distant and i feel dry. no, He has been close. very close. however, the wilderness is where i am stripped bare of anything and everything apart from His voice. I don’t have any secure thing to hold on to. in this place, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I realize just how little control I have over my life. in this place, I suddenly realize I am in no place to lead myself. who do I think I am, to be under the impression that I know better than my Father? my life is no longer my own!

Jesus, it’s in Your kindness that You bring me to these places. help me to treasure these seasons. it’s only an act of Your grace that you would let me know my barrenness, that I may know how to lean. you have only one agenda, that you may have my all. I have one mission, to come and die. to lay all that I am at the foot of the cross, and to recognize my complete lack of any good thing, any secure thing apart from You. Jesus, help me to know nothing apart from the sound of your voice. Jesus, I am so bare, I need you so much. Jesus, come have my all. I am nothing without you.
Jesus, i’m not as strong as I think that I am.
help me to trust You.

I know the end of the story, I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my beloved

lavish

2010-12-29T17:14:00.000-08:00

every few months, the voices come back, "eric, you've gone too far. eric, you're too extreme, too intense. eric, you spend too much alone time with God. eric, you need to balance your life better. eric, you need to become more relevant to this world. eric, you're too narrow-minded. eric, you're too obsessed with the bible, too obsessed with IHOP, too obsessed with intimacy with Jesus, with this onething. eric, you're too obsessed with loving Jesus. eric, you need to be more practical in your leadership. eric, you gotta plan more. eric, you need to be doing more for Jesus. eric, you're not going to get anywhere sitting at the feet of Jesus....."

Jesus, remind me that this is what i signed up for. that i have given you my heart, soul, strength and mind for the sake of loving you. remind me that i am on the right track, and that i have chosen the good part, what is better. i refuse to lose sight of loving You.
Jesus, give me grace, give me strength to love you rightly. strengthen my resolve, that You would keep my heart steadfast, that i may be found faithful until the end. though it's a narrow and a road less traveled, though i will be misunderstood and criticized, i know You are worth it.

i'll lavish my love
i'll lavish my devotion
i'll lavish my time
i'll lavish my energy
i'll lavish my worship
i'll lavish my life at your feet
You are worth the lavish

pure joy

2010-12-20T10:35:00.000-08:00

"Consider it pure joy when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faithproduces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may beperfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
More than that, werejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, andhope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us runwith endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith,who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, andis seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
-james 1:2-4, rom 5:3-5, heb 12:1-2

in the place of suffering, temptation, perseverance, steadfastness, and endurance in the place of faithfulness, we were meant to walk in JOY. pure joy is when i surrender and set my eyes upon Jesus. in this place, there is no such thing as suffering, for Jesus found it pure joy even to the point to die on the cross. that's unthinkable! who is this man?
surely, self preservation steals the joys of sweet adoration. all of my self-love, a stubborn controlling spirit, and trust in myself for things to go my way take away the joys of sweet surrender--walking with you and trusting in Your perfect leadership. i must take up my cross, deny myself, and set my eyes upon Jesus. i must decrease, You must increase.

You said, "blessed is the one who is not offended by me" (matt 11:6)
You offend the mind to reveal the heart
You expose the hidden ways in which i still do not trust you.
Your commands are never burdensome
Your ways never intend for me to suffer, that is not who You are.
so give me grace to express my love by being obedient.

surrendering,
Your leadership is perfect.

all i want for christmas

2010-12-19T23:50:00.000-08:00

this christmas i want it to be less about me. even more so, as much as i enjoy them, i want christmas to be less about feel-good christmas songs, even less about giving/receiving gifts. i want to give glory to the birth of Jesus Christ. there is none like this man. fully God, He came into the world in a manger, unnoticed, unappreciated, and unrecognized.
this christmas, i want to sing the real christmas songs, like the old school hymns, ones about Jesus, not other stuff that just distract me from the glory of His birth. this christmas, i want to know the depths of the worth found in the Lamb who is seated on the throne. i want to know why right now in heaven, the twenty-four elders and the four living creatures and legions of angels, ten-thousand upon ten-thousand of them, find Jesus worthy enough so sing and give Him glory and praise non-stop for all of eternity. i want to know what makes it worth it for me to spend eternity giving praise to this man.
this christmas i want to join with the choirs of angels and sing to the King, the One who sits upon the throne, the One who is worthy of all the glory, honor, adoration, and admiration. this christmas i want to behold and give glory to the One who came into this world for one purpose only and that is to die for me so that i could live.

i watch this video each year. it always touches me in a new way.

this christmas, at the top my my lungs, i want to sing hallelujah to Jesus Christ, the King, the Bridegroom, my Beloved.

my christmas vent

2010-12-19T21:41:00.000-08:00

this christmas i realized how quickly i got tired from the spirit of consumerism that now consumes (no pun intended) the american culture we live in today. as i tagged along with my family to the malls and such, i felt something that i have never felt before. my spirit was...disgusted, even offended at the way i saw others push and shove their way through the stores, caring only about themselves and how much more "stuff" can buy. perhaps offended is how God feels when He sees the way america celebrates the season of the birth of His son? anyways...
-i was saddened by the excitement, pleasure, and hype that comes with this season, for reasons apart from the birth of Christ. it made me sad to realize that the advent season has become the season of materialism; santa has become more popular than Jesus.
-i was saddened by how much christmas became all about me me me, and about how much more "stuff" we can buy to make us happy. it made me sad how we remain unmoved even though we know for a fact that while we are excessively spending the rest of the world lives in poverty.
-i was saddened by the selfish nature of man--the extent to which we care about ourselves and our own comfort more than others. the way we would spend excessively and not for a moment think about anyone apart from ourselves.
-i was sad when i realized that i could do the christian thing and pull the card that goes like "christmas is about giving not receiving" but i'll probably only give after i've received and i'm satisfied. and even if i were to give, i wouldn't give even half as much as what i have.
-i was saddened to see the the power of the media to influence people to look and dress a certain way in order to be liked by others, or the way we are fascinated by flashy gadgets. i realized christmas does not satisfy the human spirit. only Jesus does.
1) first, the attraction to fashion comes from a God-given desire for beauty. a desire to look nice and to fit in comes from a God-given longing to be liked and loved by others.
2) secondly, the attraction for flashy gadgets and more "stuff" and other "unnecessary" items comes from a God-given longing for fascination.

Father, have mercy on me and my generation. forgive us for being selfish, and the ways we care about ourselves more than we care about others. remind us that no money can buy the satisfaction found in Your presence. remind us that only You can satisfy our every desire.
Father, forgive us for the ways we have been distracted by the flashy things and hype of this season and we have forgotten about your son's birthday. would you be kind to humble us and reveal to us the extent of our selfishness, and our neglect of your son Jesus.

p.s. i know i made broad generalizations, and i do not mean to be judgmental or to offend anyone. i'm talking to myself. i just had to vent a bit.

embracing the cross

2010-12-12T09:43:00.000-08:00

"You need to learn to separate yourself from unnecessary and restless thoughts which grow out of self-love. When your own thoughts are set aside you will be completely in the middle of the straight and narrow path. You will experience the freedom and peace that is meant for you as a child of God.

I try to follow the same advice that I give others. I know that I must seek peace in the same way. Often, when you suffer, it is the life of your self-nature that causes you pain. When you are dead you do not suffer. If you were completely dead to your old nature you would no longer feel many of the pains that now bother you.

Endure the aches and pains of your body with patience. Do the same thing with your spiritual afflictions (that is, trouble sent to you that you cannot control). Do not add to the cross in your life by becoming so busy that you have no time to sit quietly before God. Do not resist what God brings into your life. Be willing to suffer if that is what is needed. Over activity and stubbornness will only increase your anguish.

God prepares a cross for you that you must embrace without thought of self-preservation. The cross is painful. Accept the cross and you will find peace even in the middle of turmoil. Let me warn you that if you push the cross away, your circumstances will become twice as hard to bear. In the long run, the pain of resisting the cross is harder to live with than the cross itself.

See God’s hand in the circumstances of your life. Do you want to experience true happiness? Submit yourself peacefully and simply to the will of God, and bear your sufferings without struggle. Nothing so shortens and soothes your pain as the spirit of non-resistance to your Lord.

As wonderful as this sounds, it still may not stop you from bargaining with God. The hardest thing about suffering is not knowing how great it will be or how long it will last. You will be tempted to want to impose some limits to your suffering. No doubt you will want to control the intensity of your pain.

Do you see the stubborn and hidden hold you have over your life? This control makes the cross necessary in the first place. Do not reject the full work that the power of the cross could accomplish in you. Unfortunately, you will be forced to go over the same ground again and again. Worse yet, you will suffer much, but your suffering will be for no purpose.

May the Lord deliver you from falling into an inner state in which the cross is not at work in you! God loves a cheerful giver. (See Second Corinthians 9:7.) Imagine how much He must love those who abandon themselves to His will cheerfully and completely—even if it results in their crucifixion!"

-Francois Fenelon

the place of no agenda

2010-12-06T18:54:00.000-08:00

there comes a point in any relationship where you reach a level of intimacy called "the place of no agenda." in this place, as you would've guessed, there is no agenda. you spend time with each other with absolutely no agenda, other than just to be with them. you don't need to plan any activities, do things to pass the time, nor even worry about talking to each other. in this place, silence isn't awkward, boring, tense, or uncomfortable. in fact, in the "the place of no agenda", silence is welcomed, and even embraced. you look each other in the eyes. you blissfully sigh, because you feel so known, so understood. both know what the other is thinking. time flies, and before you know it, hours have passed.

"i will come again and will take you to myself, that where i am you may be also" john 14:3
"Father, i desire that they also...may be with where i am, to see my glory." john 17:24

as i spend time with my Beloved, i realize i know too little about this place. in fact, i am good at anything but this place. i find myself looking for more "things" to do, things that would hopefully pass the time more quickly so i would be able to look back and say that i had a good, "productive" time with Him. yet with Him, it's never about productivity, is it? never is it about gaining a new revelation, or filling my head with more bible knowledge, or a new truth. sure, these things lead us to Him, yet when they become "the end" instead of a "means to an end" (Jesus), you've missed the boat. yet time and time again, i find myself doing just that. i strive and strive and strive for a fresh revelation, sing through some songs, and pray through some prayers, only to neglect the One who lives within me and is sitting right next to me. to whom was i reading about? to whom was i singing to? and to whom was i talking to? the worst feeling is to look back and to realize that i have done so much yet i have forgotten Him. i was too busy occupying myself with "stuff" that i've turned my back on the only One that matters. i don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room.

the beauty of waiting upon the LORD is that it is the only discipline that brings me to the level of intimacy found in "the place of no agenda". here, there is no striving for a new revelation, nor is there forced mediation on a scripture or truth. in this place, there is pure enjoyment. to gaze upon His beauty. to dwell in His courts. to partake in the pleasure found at His right hand, and the fullness of joy and satisfaction in His presence. to open my heart, take delight in Him and for Him to take delight me.

i look Him in the eyes and tell Him how much i love Him.
i wait.
He tells me how much He loves me.
i blissfully sigh.
we do it all over again.

delight in me. delight in me.

in today's world, we leave too little space for this "root of roots" in our relationship with Jesus. we forget that this place of mutual enjoyment is the first reason of our very existence. it's sad that we neglect the very thing that we will be spending an eternity in heaven captivated by. to join in with the angels, behold the glory of His face, and say with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, i am Yours, You are mine, and we'll be together forever.

all i want,
is to be near You, with You,
where You are

thankful

2010-11-25T17:22:00.000-08:00

forty(one) things i'm thankful for this thanksgiving. i realized i could go on forever so this is as much as i had time to type down haha.

1) the IHOP prayer room webstream. (thank you cory, matt, audra, jon, tim, laura. you don't know me but i know you, sorta. i will meet you in heaven)
2) a sweet, powerful IHOP chorus that washes over my heart and gives me life.
3) the power of worship and music to speak revelation into the heart in a way that does not have to travel through the head first.
4) the gift of hunger. i asked and He gave. hunger begets hunger. a process of becoming ruined more and more for anything less. thank you LORD.
5) the aches upon my heart when i miss a day of waiting upon Him. how He beckons me to come meet Him in the secret place.
6) the revelation of the word of God on the human heart. few things in life are sweeter.
7) the gift of fasting given to posture the human heart for a greater capacity to encounter the heart of God.
8) the morning silence. the beauty found in the rawness of the human heart exposed to the heart of God. no music, flashy lights, no props or emotional hype necessary. where it's you and me alone, God.
9) the book of psalms, to shift my perspective. for a mind that is prone to wander, prone to overthink, prone to live in weakness, psalms take my eyes off myself and my woes and remind me of who is in control. that You are God, and i am not.
10) the book of revelation. the revelation of the person Christ Jesus in His splendor and glory. as bridegroom, king, and judge.
11) the word of God. the very living word, and the satisfaction i get when i eat it.
12) the transforming work in my dad's heart. he just recently just started going to church again. he's been unemployed for over half a year, yet he's been more joyful than any other time in his life.
13) the miracle of a restored family and joyful holiday seasons after years of harder ones. those who wait on the LORD will not be put to shame.
14) the wisdom of my mom. her love for the family. her faith. the rock of our family. the depths of her love and devotion for Jesus inspire me. the fruit of her prayers are what shape so much of who i am today.
15) my roommates and our intense pursuit of God. our late night talks about Jesus Christ, the gospel, and the knowledge of God.
16) every time i take the time to wait upon Him. the tenderizing work of the Holy Spirit to soften my heart of stone to feel the movements of His heart upon mine.
17) the liberty and greater freedom from the inferior pleasures of my flesh (fear/approval of man, entertainment) to pursue the superior pleasures found at His right hand
18) the freedom found in worship--to kneel, to jump, to sit, to be, to scream at the top of my lungs.
19) my guitar and a voice to sing songs to Jesus in my room.
20) the privilege of an intercessor. the chance to partner with His heart. to stand in the gap and talk to God on the behalf of men.
21) the burden of intercession for UCSD and for intervarsity. there's so much more. come Lord Jesus come.
22) the gift of prayer. the reality that is our access to the throne room.
23) the gift of solitude. call me introverted, but i just want to be alone with God.
24) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. to wake up to say good morning Holy Spirit! i want to talk to you more.
25) vanilla yogurt and granola. or vanilla soymilk with granola. with bananas of course.
26) His constants: my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, shelter, strong tower, the rock upon which i stand, my fortress, refuge, shield, salvation, stronghold.
27) His word which is perfect, revives the soul, gives wisdom to the simple, brings joy, brings revelation, brings insight, and brings reward.
28) the very very bright light of His glory found in the beholding of His face
29) the way He lets me know that He's here with me--when i close my eyes, the impression that He's here and He's been here.
30) the gift and the mystery of tongues. the times when i don't know what to say and i could just pray in the spirit to speak straight into His heart. beyond words.
31) the sport i call running, and the hundreds of times i've ran the trail by the train tracks by rose canyon. the times when, feeling overwhelmed, to run until my mind goes blank. the times i meet Jesus while running.
32) the leadership of moses, the worship of david, the excellence of daniel, and the passion of john the baptist. godly men in the bible given for me to model my life after.
33) the feeler side of me
34) the thinker side of me
35) the mysteries of His sovereignty, healing/miracles/signs/wonders, free will, and predestination. the moment i like to think i've gotten Him all figured out is the moment that i need a fresh touch.
36) the old testament and the wrath of God and His hatred of sin.
37) the (unplanned) status of graduating a year early. learning to accept rest.
38) the (very) chilly evenings of fremont, california. the smell of the smoke from fireplaces and family dinners.
39) the kitchen at my home. my dog buddy and his santa costume. christmas music on the radio, and good talks while cooking dinner with the mother.
40) all my friendships, and those who read this blog and love me enough to listen to my rants. you know who you are. those who have grace and patience on me, and mostly, just accept me for being me.
41) j

He has been so good to me.

anchor for my soul

2010-11-07T23:40:00.000-08:00

as for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when Iawake, I shall besatisfied with your likeness.

weight of glory

2010-11-04T15:22:00.000-07:00

eric,
are you willing to die to yourself,
so that you may gain all of Me?

So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 corinth 4:16-18

You are so worth it.
God, show me Your glory.

just give me Jesus

2010-10-29T12:18:00.000-07:00

all my devotion belongs to this Man

just give me Jesus

the sovereignty of God

2010-10-28T23:58:00.000-07:00

as i continue to wrestle with God in the place of prayer, time and time again i find myself getting slammed.

i like to ask God for the salvation of souls, for God to move in the hearts of my non-christian friends, and for God to bring physical healing. many times, i find myself hitting a wall. the question has been: God, why not now? why not? are not my prayers in line with the desires of your heart? am i not coming into agreement for your desires for this world?
this happens frequently in the place of healing: God, am i really asking too much for you to show up and heal this sprained ankle? this headache? this sore throat? you've done it before! what bad can possibly come out of you showing up and demonstrating your physical, tangible love? what good comes out of another unanswered prayer for healing?
it also happens in the contending for salvation: God, why don't you just do something right now? why don't you just soften his/her heart so that he/she may come to know the extent of your love and your work on the cross?

~~~

wrestling with these unanswered prayers have led me to reflect on the sovereignty of God. yes, God is a good God who desires good for me and this world. Yes, He is a God who desires mercy over judgment. yes, He is gracious, merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love. however, at the same time, God is God. and i am not. God can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. who am i to question the perfect wisdom and timing of God? who am i to say that i know better than God? heck, who am i that You are mindful of me? yet you hear me when i call.

as i take another look at the old testament, one theme repeated itself over and over: the sovereignty of God. the old testament clearly establishes the power of God, and instills a fear of the LORD, a reverence in the people. whether it is a flood or seven plagues, God makes it clear that anyone that chooses to go against Him will perish.

unfortunately, as a generation of christians that tends to focus on the new testament concepts of grace, mercy, and love, we tend to forget about the sovereignty of God. we forget that God has the power to create life and with it, the power to take away. as a result, we now take a look at the old testament and we get offended by the God we are reading about. how can God smite people like that? how can God send a plague to kill thousands? how can God just harden and soften hearts like that?

without the sovereignty of God established in our lives, we easily become offended when God does not answer our prayers, or when things do not go our way. we get offended when God doesn't heal our dying parent of cancer. we get offended at God when we pray for years and years for restoration in our family, and nothing seems to happen.(if anything, things seem to be getting worse). we get offended at God when we pray for the salvation of our non-christian family member, non-christian friend, and nothing seems to get better.

with an understanding of the sovereignty of God, who are we to question His ways? who are we to question His perfect wisdom and understanding? yes, i don't know why God does things that He does. but I know that He does. and the only thing that he requires of me is to allow him to be God and me to be me, and let it be. God, you know best. always. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Your ways are higher than my ways. always.
an understanding of the sovereignty of God gives me a fuller picture of the character of God. it does, however, throw a wrench into the very basis of prayer. if in the end, God is sovereign and He can do whatever He wants, then why do we even bother praying?

i don't know too much. but i do know:
1) i pray because Jesus prayed. prayer is a command from God Himself, to come into agreement with the desires of His heart and pray them into reality.
2) i pray because i believe that i have the power to move God's heart. i say that because the prophets did. and because of the work of the cross, Christ has given me the same authority. i believe that like moses, jeremiah, and isaiah, human beings (christians) have the power to change God's mind. despite His sovereignty, i believe that God can choose whether or not to be influenced by one force, and that is the prayers of His people. think about that.

the thinker in me continues.

the heart of intercession

2010-10-27T01:05:00.001-07:00

i never saw myself as an "intercessor". i never liked labels like that, or hearing people say that they have been "called to intercession". Jesus commanded all of us to pray for the harvest right? then in my opinion, we are all called to intercession in one way or another.

these past few weeks i have been wrestling with God in the area of intercession. i realized that i have been praying the same prayers over UCSD for the past 4 years. for the past 4 years i've lost count of the number of times i have asked Him to "send revival", to "pour out His Spirit", and for the "fullness of His kingdom to come on earth at UCSD as it is in heaven". what have i done wrong, God? did i not pray enough? not with enough conviction? not with enough intensity? what did i miss? help me to know i am on the right track.

this week as i wrestled with entering into another season of prayer and fasting, i couldn't but help to feel weary and disappointed. broken dreams, unmet expectations, a sense of hopelessness began to flood me. God, i've fasted and prayed many times before already. how is this time going to be any different? God, do you really love this campus more than i do? if you do, why don't you just move and do something already? <--childish side of me

i began to doubt even the most basic foundational truths of prayer. lies began to fill me (how i hate you devil!) God, do you even hear my prayers? do my broken, weak, inconsistent prayers even make a difference? would the spiritual environment have been any different had i not prayed?
i even began to wrestle with basic questions like "why pray?". as a leader of prayer on this campus, it seemed like a pretty ridiculous and embarrassing thing to be asking. it definitely showed how much faith i (did not) have.

as i waited upon the LORD, He brought me back to the heart of intercession. God, help me to pray not to see things happen, or for tangible results. forgive me for the times i have put results above having you. help me to know that you are sovereign. that you are God and that your timing and your ways are perfect. forgive me for thinking that i know better. forgive me for making it about me me me me and not you you you you.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
isaiah 55:8

yes, i know without a doubt God has been moving in many ways. i'm just really stubborn and not easily satisfied.
there has to be more.
until then, i will keep praying. i will keep asking.
there has to be more.

breathe

2010-10-25T11:51:00.000-07:00

¹O LORD, you havesearched me and known me!
²You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
   you discern my thoughts from afar.
³ You search out my path and my lying down
   and are acquainted with all my ways.
⁴ Even before a word is on my tongue,
   behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
⁵ You hem me in, behind and before,
   and lay your hand upon me.
⁶ Such knowledge istoo wonderful for me;
   it is high; I cannot attain it.
⁷Where shall I go from your Spirit?
   Or where shall I flee from your presence?
⁸ If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
   If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
⁹ If I take the wings of the morning
   and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
¹⁰ even there your hand shalllead me,
   and your right hand shall hold me.
¹¹ If I say,"Surely the darkness shall cover me,
   and the light about me be night,"
¹² even the darkness is not dark to you;
   the night is bright as the day,
   for darkness is as light with you.
¹³For youformed my inward parts;
   you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
¹⁴ I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
   my soul knows it very well.
¹⁵ My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
   intricately woven inthe depths of the earth.
¹⁶ Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in yourbook were written, every one of them,
   the days that were formed for me,
   when as yet there was none of them.
¹⁷How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
   How vast is the sum of them!
¹⁸ If I would count them, they are more thanthe sand.
   I awake, and I am still with you.
¹⁹Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
   Omen of blood, depart from me!
²⁰ Theyspeak against you with malicious intent;
   your enemiestake your name in vain!
²¹ Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
   And do I notloathe those who rise up against you?
²² I hate them with complete hatred;
   I count them my enemies.
²³Search me, O God, and know my heart!
   Try me and know my thoughts!
²⁴ And see if there be any grievous way in me,
   and lead me inthe way everlasting!

-psalm 139

~~~

You Know me so intimately.

the thinker in me

2010-10-23T12:10:00.000-07:00

culmination of thoughts at 4am in the morning...haha

Jesus, you are a man of extremes.

You were so irrelevant. you spoke in parables and you talked about eating your flesh and drinking your blood.
yet, you were so relevant. you spoke in shepherd and farming analogies to make sense to those in the crowds following you.

You were impersonal when You preached to the crowds and fed thousands upon thousands.
yet You are the most personable person we will ever come to know--even in the midst of the crowd, Your eyes were upon the bleeding woman. you knew her intimately and you called her daughter. You hold the keys to unlock every heart.

You never cared about numbers. You preached a message that offended others.
yet you had thousands following you.

You didn’t preach to please men. You preached an insulting, difficult, discomforting, convicting message. You infuriated pharisees, and depressed the rich young ruler. You didn’t preach an easy message. You talked about the narrow road, the call to follow You requires the selling of all possessions, and a call to death to self.
yet Your message pleased many men. it was message for the sick, and the broken; it was a message for those like the bleeding woman and the samaritan woman, You preached a message of life, hope, peace, healing, redemption, and restoration. You speak words that we long to hear, you speak hope to the hopeless, a message of abundant life, and you bring joy to those who have nothing to be joyful about.

Jesus didn’t walk around with the gospel message on His shirt. Jesus wasn’t a broken record, on auto-pilot, preaching about the depravity of man, our sinfulness and our need to repent to every person He encountered. rather, He met people right where they were at, and every encounter was one that pointed to the heart of the Father. every encounter Jesus had with another brought that person closer to the heart of God.

as a follower of Jesus for over 13 years, I am realizing more and more that the bible holds a message that is black and white. my roommate was right. i’m realizing that the message of Jesus is a message of no compromise, no grey area. you are either hot or cold, not lukewarm. you are either following Jesus or you are not. you are either gratifying the flesh or gratifying the desire of the Spirit within you. you are either saying yes or no to Jesus. you either love the world or you reject it. you either love sin or hate sin. black and white.

however, the understanding of the black and white gospel is something that i’m just beginning to understand over the past few years. I wonder if I would have accepted or even come close to understanding the depths of the extreme, radical, revolutionary gospel five, ten, thirteen years ago. despite being born into a christian family, I wonder if I would have felt like such a gospel would be something I could commit to. however, it is only because I have journeyed with the LORD for 13+ years, I can say with confidence that our gospel is a black and white one.

perhaps the gospel message at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a grey one? all bible theory, 4 spiritual laws, TULIP aside, perhaps at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a gospel message that is simple, and...grey. perhaps it could be as simple as knowing that Jesus loves me and that we want to begin a journey of entering into that. or something that stirs a hunger and desire to know more about the man Christ Jesus. perhaps a grey gospel is the only one which any heart is open and receptive and open to. one that meets people right where they are at. i wonder if the black and white gospel makes sense to me now only because i have spent the past 13 years growing, maturing in my "grey" understanding of the gospel.

i just don't know.

~~~

we can classify Christianity into 3 different camps:
1) the conservative, reformed camp (Piper, John McArthur, Paul Washer)
2) the evangelical, moderate camp (Saddleback, Intervarsity)
3) the charismatic, liberal camp (IHOP, Bethel).

for the purpose for the point i’m making today, the two extreme camps (conservative and charismatic) are actually a lot more similar than we like to admit. (I will explain later)

so that leaves us with two camps: the extreme camps and the moderate camps. each camp has one major purpose. here are my observations:

1) the extreme camps preaches a gospel focusing on the fullness of truth, so that Christ may be glorified. the extreme camps tend not to please man in their preaching and interpretation of the gospel, neither do they care about their reputation. the extreme camps have no fear of being irrelevant to this world, neither are they fearful of being misunderstood or rejected. (“we seek the approval of God and do not serve to please men, do we not?" gal 1:10) once again, i will put both conservatives and charismatics in this camp. the only difference is on one hand you have the charismatics who are not afraid to manifest and blabber openly in tongues and the other hand you have the conservatives who have no fear being hated and rejected by this world, preaching a black and white gospel of the depravity of man and the extent of man's sinfulness.
the extreme camp has a tendency to criticize and judge and often preaches against "lukewarm" christians. ("i know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!” revelation 3:15). oftentimes, their preaching is aimed at conviction and criticism of the church for being too worldly (“do not love the world or anything in the world.” 1 john 2:15) the extreme camps are often guilty of self-righteousness, the spirit of performance, and religion. this camp often labels themselves as "radicals" for Jesus, unafraid of being irrelevant, Spirit filled Jesus Freaks or Bible-Wielding preachers.
many of those in the extreme camp don’t believe in the need to preach in a way to engage the crowd. they don’t believe in a gospel that needs to be “watered down” or particularly relevant in order to be followed. they believe in the full power of the work and conviction of the Holy Spirit, so they preach in a direct manner.

2) the evangelical, more moderate camps preaches a gospel that is relevant (“to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.” 1 corinth 9:20). their gospel is one that uses analogies, nuances, and “interpretive lenses”. such preaching may include contemporary analogies, funny stories, and jokes to engage the crowd. they use pizza, good music, and free stuff to lure in the masses. they tend to preach a crowd-friendly gospel, often times with the danger of deviating towards a “prosperity gospel”, or a gospel that people want to hear to make them feel better about themselves. compared to the extreme camp, the evangelical gospel is crowd-friendly and seeker-friendly. they know how to relate to people by preaching a gospel that meets people right where they are at. however, this type of gospel can leave “mature”, life-long christians feeling "unfed", bored, and stagnant.
the gospel of the evangelical church can be criticized as a gospel that is shallow, "watered down", or just not deep enough.

the question is, what type of gospel did Jesus preach? what type of gospel would Jesus preach today?

though there will always be exceptions to the way God works in hearts, my observation is that the gospel most people accept at the beginning of their relationship with Jesus is the moderate gospel. I like to call it the entry point. here you find the vacation bible school children who innocently raise their hands choosing to accept Jesus into their hearts, as well as the youth group retreats where teary-eyed, emotional teens on a “spiritual high” commit/rededicate their lives, and finally you have the hundreds who stand up at Intervarsity large groups. more often than not, such people stand not entirely sure why they stood. oftentimes, because they were preached a grey, friendly, moderate gospel, those who respond have no clear idea of the gospel. they know little to nothing about their sinfulness, their need for repentance, let alone what Jesus even did on that cross. however, despite the lack of knowledge and truth in their understanding, their response is usually very genuine and simple--they felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to say yes, to take one step closer to God, whatever that means.

at this point, for these souls, the future remains unclear. at this point, 2 fates remain:

1) they can choose to vegetate--remain in this state, continue to live the same life, and do not pray or read the bible. these are the ones criticized for experiencing just an “emotional high” as they “fall away” or go back to their worldly lifestyles. here we find our “nominal” or “lukewarm” christians, ones who label themselves as christians, but are not walking the talk. at this point, insert many of those born into christian families--those who have gone to church their entire life but remain unchanged. here are some of your most dangerous christians--those who think they are doing well, have their ticket to heaven, but those who are doing just enough church to get out of hell but just enough sin to still be cool. these are your dangerous christians who claim to be christians but do everything opposite of who Jesus is, and display every work of the flesh (sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies” gal 5:19). these are the christians that break God’s heart, for they can claim to be followers of Christ yet do anything and everything that is not of Him, forever tainting the face of Jesus and all the good that He represents.

2) they can begin a life-long love relationship with Jesus, seeking after the heart of God. these are the ones who die to self, pick up their cross, and follow Christ in wholehearted abandonment, pursuing a lifestyle of holiness and righteousness. these are the ones who will give themselves no rest as they seek God’s face, living a lifestyle of repentance (“search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalm 139:23). these are the ones who will be willing to die for Christ than live a lukewarm life. these are the ones giving themselves to be people of the first and second commandment--to love God with all their heart soul strength and mind, and to love others with the same love (luke 10:27). these are the ones giving their lives to find eternal life in the knowledge of God (john 17:3). these are the ones who dedicate their lives to prayer and the word of God, ones committed to wholehearted devotion to Christ. through spending time daily with the LORD in the secret place, these are the ones filled with the Holy Spirit, the One who convicts sin and tangibly manifests such fruits as (“love, joy peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.” gal 5:22)

knowing these two groups, the question as ministers of the gospel remains: how do we preach the gospel? and after preaching the gospel, how do we prevent a generation of (fate 1) carnal Christians and how do we raise up a generation of (fate 2) radical, fearlessly abandoned lovers of Jesus?

do you have compassion for those who are lost? just how much do you love the lost?
are you going to preach the true, blunt, black and white extreme gospel regardless of how others going to be receptive to it?
or are you going to preach a simple, “watered down” version of the gospel, something as simple as a small an act of love, a simple “Jesus loves you and is pleased with you”, anything that they will remember, anything to bring them one step closer to God and to point them to God?

I don’t know. haha.
shoot, just read the bible and do what Jesus did.
oh, and never stop praying.

look up

2010-10-21T01:07:00.000-07:00

¹If then you have been raised with Christ, seekthe things that are above, where Christ is,seated at the right hand of God. ²Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. ³For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. ⁴When Christ who is yourlifeappears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
-col 3:1-4

eric, do you know who I am?
have you forgotten who I am?
I am your God. i hold your life in the palm of My hands.
eric, lock eyes with Me. don't look to your left, don't look to your right. likewise, don't look to what has happened, nor look at what is to come.
eric, stop looking at yourself, your worries, your struggles, your insecurities, fears, and doubts.
set your eyes upon Me.

Abba, draw me onto your knees. hold me close. let me lay your head against your heart. let me lock eyes with You, never looking elsewhere. take me to that place where i will become so consumed by your gaze that i no longer care about all that is happening around me. maybe then i will finally learn how to be silent when i'm with You.

surrendering,
trusting,
Your leadership is perfect.

satisfaction

2010-10-20T08:56:00.001-07:00

we were created to desire satisfaction. because we were wired to crave satisfaction, we will do whatever it takes to be satisfied. such satisfaction can be found in:
intimate friendships,
the level of our popularity/having a good reputation,
good grades/a secure job/career,
a committed boy/girlfriend/wife/husband,
facebook/TV shows/dramas,
drugs/sex/alcohol
a "successful" ministry,
or empty bible head knowledge,

we seek and begin to worship these things that which do not satisfy. i like to call it idolatry. a big part in the pursuit of holiness and righteousness is to say no to these "lesser lovers", or "idols" and to run hard after the One who satisfies. it is not enough to have a divided heart--one hand holding on to Jesus and the other holding on to any idol we make for ourselves. Jesus demands our all. the journey of a pure and simple devotion, the cultivation of dove's eyes, is found by becoming satisfied in Jesus alone. it is a journey of not being moved by the praise of man, or to have your emotions fluctuate based on what your friends think of you.

in the world we live in today, it has become so easy to forget that nothing apart from God alone satisfies. how easy it is to forget that nothing apart from the man Christ Jesus alone can satisfy! how easy we forget that He is the real joy-giver! here, satisfaction is simply found in a love relationship with Jesus--i move His heart, and He moves mine.

"delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart" ps. 13:4
"You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing" ps. 145:16

i know He is the only one that satisfies.
i'd like to know it and believe it with my heart soul strength and mind.
i'd like to live like it.
i'd like to wish that i always believed this promise of His is true.

but LORD, i forget so easily.
time and time again i catch myself looking elsewhere to find something or someone to satisfy.
time and time again i get a glimpse of Your face, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
i'm undone, ruined for anything apart from You.

everything i ever wanted i've found in You
only You can satisfy my heart's desire

"you are my LORD, apart from You i have no good thing" ps. 16:2

You, whom my soul loves

2010-10-17T08:34:00.000-07:00

"scarcely had i passed them
when i found him whom my soul loves.
i held him, and would not let him go"
sos 3:4

i will cling to You

Your mercies are new every morning

2010-10-15T10:33:00.000-07:00

when the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"the LORD has done great things for them."
the LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad.

Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negeb!
those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!
he who goes out weeping bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.
psalm 126

i believe it,
when i see Your face,
it's gonna be worth it all.

You are worth it all.

one thing i am sure of

2010-10-08T00:24:00.000-07:00

He always leave me in a place of uncertainty in order for me to be more certain in Him. He always leave me in a place where i have nothing secure to hold on to, only to leave me clinging to Him. in this place, He reminds me once again that nothing else apart from Him is secure, so i will cling. that is all i know how to do right now. LORD, help me to cling ever so tightly, and never let go.

surrendering is a process.
He begins by taking away security in my own plans, only to leave me scrambling, desperate for a sense of direction found only in His perfect leadership. then it's a process of letting go, submitting to His leadership and His moment by moment whispers. it's a process of abandonment to myself entirely, and a process of giving in, to stop fighting against His ways, to submit, and to follow. it's a process to stop questioning, complaining, and wrestling against His hand at work in my life. for your left hand is under my head, and your right hand embraces me.

give me grace to trust Your name
give me strength to be steady

though many things are uncertain, one thing remains certain,
one thing i am sure of,
that You never leave me,
for You remain faithful to the end

here with me now

2010-10-07T01:36:00.000-07:00

the most important thing at any given moment of my life is this: knowing that He is with me. nothing is more important at any conscious, waking moment of my life than knowing that He is here with me in the present, right here, right now.

the word "knowing" now becomes the hardest yet most profound word to grasp. i can know many things. i can know the joshua 1 promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. i can know that He was with me a year ago, or a few days ago. i can know that He was with me yesterday, or even this morning. i can know that His presence never leaves me and that His Spirit indwells within me for eternity. but at any given moment, no amount of head knowledge or past experience matters unless i know that He is with me right now.

i'm realizing that most of the spiritual disciplines and spiritual formation exercises i've learned focus on knowing God in the present. brother lawrence's "practicing the presence of God", IHOP's "fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit", paul's command to "pray without ceasing", and the practice of "waiting upon God", are focused to achieve this simple yet profound revelation--that the creator God of the universe is here with you, living within you, and He sees you and knows you intimately.

daily, there is an insatiable hunger within the depths of my soul that thirsts, even screams to have this "revelation of revelations". i refuse to sit still or be at peace until i know within my heart of hearts that He is here with me right now. it truly changes everything.

i'm realizing just how much this revelation affects my well being. as a result, i've realized that the enemy uses anything he can to steal and take away this revelation. the enemy loves to overwhelm my mind with thoughts, worries, anxiety, distractions, and consume me with any stupid thought he can think of to prevent me from focusing on His present, indwelling Spirit living inside of me. once overwhelmed, i am quick to forget and i easily tune out the gentle whispers of the Spirit dwelling in me. oh, how i hate you enemy!

to this day, waiting upon God remains the secret to my life. the most life-giving choice i can make is to shut up my abundance of unnecessary thoughts, be still, and know that He is God.

good news

2010-10-06T16:17:00.000-07:00

my friend walked into the room, a grim expression upon his face
“my coworker passed away yesterday”
“what do you mean?” I asked
“I went to work today, and she wasn’t there, and they said she died in her sleep”
the room went silent, as the words slowly began to sink in.

my friend began to speak,
“how can I claim to hold the keys to eternal life yet never share the gospel with her? i can’t believe I never got to share the gospel with her.
she was the most selfless person in the office...i could tell she was so hopeless, living a hopeless life. I could tell by the way she carried herself...she said she lived in a trailer home with her mom...that seemed like the only thing she lived for was to take care of her mom...she was always on the phone with her doctors...she always looked so tired...she said she had insomnia, she would go to work in the morning, her eyes dark because she couldn’t fall asleep...i could tell she had no purpose...she never cut her hair, and when people asked her why she said if she did she wouldn’t know how she should get it cut...it reflects how she lived her life...just wandering...just to get through life...without a purpose, without a hope...
how can I claim to know the good news and yet never share it to her? why am I not treating the gospel like it was good news? if the gospel message is such good news, why have I failed to preach it to a woman who needs it the most? if anyone, she would’ve been really open to receive the hope of the gospel. and I failed eric, I failed.”

my friend walked out of the room.

the room fell silent again.
the weight of eternity weighed heavily upon me.

I began to reflect on how death is the ultimate equalizer; that God, perfect in love and perfect in judgment, would use death to level the playing field. that regardless of wealth, fame, social status, there will come a day where we each come face to face with death. in this place, we will find ourselves standing before the judgment seat of God, ready to receive our fate for the rest of eternity.

I was cut to the heart by the reality of souls upon souls that reach eternal death every second of the day. nearly 161 people die every minute; LORD knows if at least 80 souls go to hell and enter into eternal damnation every minute, never given the chance to experience any hope or sense of life again. we are talking about souls. eternity is at stake, and can won or lost in a moment.

the question is this: will you say yes to Jesus?

and if you have said yes to Jesus, where is the sense of urgency? do you not hold in your hand the key to eternal life? do you claim to know the only means to salvation? how can you not share it? is it not good news to you?

one of the most sickening realities about myself and most christians is that I have known all this yet I remain unmoved.

LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours.

stop everything

2010-10-06T10:58:00.000-07:00

eric,
do you trust in Me?

when i don't know what to do
i will fix my eyes on You.

simple offering

2010-10-05T00:30:00.001-07:00

there are still moments where the spirit of performance in me tells me that i'm not giving enough, or that my offering is insufficient. the more i am exposed to the depths of holiness and perfection in the God i serve, the more i feel like i have fallen short in offering a love, a heart, a lifestyle of worship that is worthy of His acceptance, let alone come close to reciprocating what i'm receiving. the more i'm exposed to the magnitude of His kindness, His perfect love, i am left desiring to give Him even more--which usually translates to serve Him more, to pray more, to worship more, to try harder...the list goes on and on...

yet, i keep finding myself falling short.

in other words, because He has been so good to me, there are moments where i feel like i must give something of value in return, yet i keep failing. i realize how weak i am, how little faith i have, and how little trust i have. i realize just how broken my love is, how easily i become distracted, and how easily i can take my eyes off of Him.

here, i realize it's one of those moments of amazing grace where it's not about what i can give, but what He keeps giving me. here, i can trade in all of myself for all of Him. what a glorious exchange of love indeed!

as for me, all i have to offer is a broken and contrite heart.

for you do not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it;
you will not be pleased with burnt offering
the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise
psalm 51:16

You look to the humble and contrite in spirit;
one who trembles at your word
isaiah 66:2

I bring to you a fragrant offering
I pour out my love and I wash your feet
I offer up to you oh LORD this brokenness
what You can see in me will be my confidence

constant

2010-10-05T00:10:00.000-07:00

The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
   his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
   great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
   "therefore I will hope in him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
   to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
   for the salvation of the LORD.
lamentations 3:22-26

missions

2010-10-04T20:54:00.000-07:00

i look forward to the day He opens a door for me to do missions work in asia. china would be a good place to start.

choices

2010-09-25T00:09:00.000-07:00

13 years later, it's still a choice.
it's not a once-in-a-lifetime-stand-up-if-you-want-to-accept-Jesus-into-your-life type of choice.
nor is it a once-a-day-during-devo-and-forget-about-it choice.
it's become a moment-by-moment choice that follows every breath i take.
13 years later, i'm still left choosing.

tonight, the choice is the same it was 13 years ago. the choice remains simple. will i choose Jesus? will i say yes to Him? will i choose His promises, His Truth, His voice, His ways above my ways?
or will i say NO to all that and choose something else over Him? will i choose myself over Him? will i give in to what my emotions tell me? will i choose to dwell in my insecurities, my doubts, and fears?

the voices come flooding back.
some tell me that i have no hope, that i'm always giving You the benefit of the doubt, that i'm just doing some positive thinking therapy, that You do not care about me, that You are ignoring me, and that You have forsaken me.
yet, another familiar voice tells me that Your love is steadfast, You are faithful, You are constant, and most importantly, that You are here with me now.

what will i choose tonight?

tonight, i will choose You. i will choose to hold on to Your promises. i will choose Your Truth over my emotions. tonight i choose to live in Your joy, peace, and freedom. tonight, i choose You over the lies, the voices that tell me i have no hope. i will choose You over the temptation to desire anything apart from You.

tonight, i, eric shi, will choose to say YES to Jesus. i will choose to die to myself. tonight i will choose to renew my mind according to the Spirit, and to be transformed by Your love.

at the end of the day, whom do i have but You?
how can i refuse Your kindness, Your steadfast love?

to the end, i will keep coming back to You

2010-09-14T09:39:00.000-07:00

nevertheless, You are continually with me;

You hold my right hand.

You guide me with Your counsel,

and afterward you will take me into glory

whom have i in heaven but You?

there is nothing on earth that i desire besides You

my flesh and my heart may fail

but You are the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.

for me, it is good to be near You.

i have made You my refuge

that i may tell of all Your works

i'll keep coming back to You

here's my heart LORD

take it all

here's my life LORD

Yours, it is Yours

blank

2010-09-04T10:04:00.000-07:00

The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.

You always see the bigger picture
help me to see it too

springs of life

2010-09-04T09:52:00.001-07:00

i never knew what i was getting myself into the moment i said yes to Him. i realized i'm not responsible for the journey i take when i follow Him with all my heart. i realized i'm powerless to make things end up the way i want it. the moment i set my heart to be a lover of Jesus, He's been the one leading me on. the rest is His story

we sometimes come to the unconscious assumption that trusting Jesus leads to a problem-free life. as if Jesus was the means to a more joyful, happy life.
"just trust Jesus and you will get that _______ (house, relationship, job) you always wanted!"
"just trust Jesus and life will be perfect and peachy!"
"just trust Jesus and you will live that life you always wanted, happily ever after"

Jesus is not a means to an end, He is my end.
all my fountains are in Him.

the call to trust Jesus is a call to die. the journey to the cross is a call to crucify yourself and watch your old self, old habits, old mindsets, old sinful temptations die.

it is a journey of pain--the purging of the "lesser" desires in your heart which do not last until you are left desiring nothing but more of Him.

it is a call to pick up your cross and do whatever it takes to follow Him. it is a call to bleed just as much as it is a call to receive blessing. true love, joy, peace, and happiness of a life in Him comes with the letting go of everything that does not last.

and He will lead me to springs of life

this is how He blesses me

2010-09-03T08:01:00.001-07:00

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.

seasons of weakness are a gift from God.
it's a gift because it gives me a chance to boast--not about myself, because no one would want to hear about how miserable and weak i am. rather, when i am weak, i get the chance to boast about none other than He who makes me strong.
in my weakness, there is no confusion about where my strength comes from. in my weakness, the thin line between depending on my flesh and leaning into the Spirit becomes a bold, dark line. when i am weak, i can no longer do anything on my own strength, and it becomes clear where my strength comes from--completely from Him. here, i take no credit. here, there is no boasting about how good i am. only about how good He is.

it is in my weakness and pain where His voice is loudest. it's usually the place i try to avoid and run away from. i manage to avoid it by telling myself that i really don't need to depend on Him that much so i run on my own strength...i manage to make it a few steps...next thing i know, i'm on my knees crying out to Him in desperation. by His mercy, His amazing grace, His jealous love, i find myself here again, and it finally hits me. it is the very place He always wanted me to be.

to be used by God, i'm learning to be weak and foolish rather than an all-conquering hero. when i am feeling weak and weary, my strength comes from clinging to His steadfast love, found in His promises. it's through my trials where i discover that He is always for me, never against me.

~~~

And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins.

seasons of pain are a gift from God.
the tearing of the heart is a painful process. however, pain, when dealt with correctly, always begets beauty.
beauty is a heart torn open, ready to receive more.
beauty is found in the trading in of old wineskins for new ones, only to recieve more of the Spirit.
beauty is a jeremiah 2 moment, to leave behind the broken cisterns that never satisfy in wholehearted pursuit of the Fountain of life.
never going back, only going forward.

You make all things new.

what i'm living for

2010-09-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

I will be Yours, You will be mine,
together in eternity
our hearts of love will be entwined,
forever in eternity

i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever

rantings on surrender

2010-08-27T00:49:00.001-07:00

like all human beings, i have been created to desire security. whether it's in the area of secure relationships (knowing that i am loved) or a secure future (knowing the next step in life, a secure job etc.), stability gives me peace.

the prayer for God to shake everything that can be shaken is a prayer that shouldn't be taken lightly. it's a prayer that comes from a desire to be shaken from any false security only to be rooted and grounded in Love. the journey of surrender is one where God takes everything that i find security in (relationships, a secure job, etc.) and removes them to show me that ultimate security is found in His character and His leadership alone.

~~~

the prayer to know "God's will for my future" is a popular one. as i look deeper, the desire to know "God's will for my future" actually stems from a desire for security.

i realize my desire for a secure and well planned out future is another way of saying i don't trust God's perfect leadership. in other words, my desire for a neatly-packaged and planned out future is another way of saying i desire something else other than having full trust and surrender to Jesus. as i sit and beat my head and wrestle with God for a clear sense of life direction (just give me a sign, God!), i realize 2 things:
1) He just might never give me that "sign" or "burning bush" experience that we all look for.
2) my desire to know "God's will for my future" is actually a scapegoat, an act of faithlessness, and an indicator that i'm not willing to trust in the moment-by-moment leadership of Holy Spirit--not for now, tomorrow, or the years to come.

~~~~

when asked about seeking clarity from God, mother teresa responded:
“Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

i realized that where there is clarity, i no longer need to depend on the Spirit. when i feel "secure" about my life direction, it becomes easy to go about life independent of the Spirit, and i reach a place where it becomes easy to no longer need the leadership of God in my life. so today i've decided that instead of always waiting for a clear answer for my future (God is not a fortune teller), i will wait upon the LORD--and trust in the perfect leadership of Holy Spirit.

from now on, i think i will be okay if i never will be able to know fully "God's will for my future". heck, that takes all the fun Spirit-led experiences out of life. all i need is the moment-by-moment trust in the leadership of Holy Spirit. and that is more than enough for me. so instead of clinging to a "clear life direction", i'm gonna cling to Holy Spirit. such is the cultivation of dependency and surrender to the Spirit.

i love you, Holy Spirit. Your leadership is perfect.

at the end of the day, it's only You

2010-08-23T00:04:00.000-07:00

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
psalm 121

in the end, all that really matters is that i take one look at Your face and everything else disappears

throwback

2010-08-22T02:15:00.000-07:00

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

-St. Francis of Assisi

surrender '10

2010-08-22T01:48:00.001-07:00

surrender

and the journey of a surrendered soul continues. it's been a process of finding joy in the letting go, where He has asked me to exchange all my short-lived, temporary expectations for His perfect leadership. it's a place where i have learned to let go of everything, as i watch as the waves of His mercy destroy the castles of sand (my own plans for this life) which i've unconsciously built. as i'm swept under the waves of His mercy, His jealous love purges all my hopes and desires put in anything but Him. in this place of desperation, i scramble quickly, and cry out to my only Constant. in His kindness, not only does He come, but He gives me a chance to set my feet on the Rock--my firm foundation, to which i cling to this day.

the purging process is one that leaves me with no agenda and no expectations. a purged soul is one that knows nothing but the thoughts and desires of the indwelling presence of His Spirit. a renewed mind leads to a transformed heart--it is a place where i know nothing but the good, pleasing and perfect will of a good Abba (rom 12:2). here, there is life and peace (rom 8:5). in this rare state of my heart, i can finally scream with all my heart, "all my fountains are in You! my hope is in You alone!"

such are the beginnings of a soul surrendered to the Spirit. it has brought me to a place where i've learned to come into complete agreement with every step He leads me. it's a journey of praise--praising Him for every door He opens as well as every door He closes. because He is a good good Father.

~~~

⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 corinthians 12:9-10

the pursuit of true joy requires a tearing of the heart. i asked, and He gave. a torn heart is a vulnerable one. a season of weakness tenderizes the heart where i have nowhere to run but into His arms. a tenderized heart postures me in a position to receive from Him, where my Spirit is vulnerable, yet sensitive to each word He is saying to me. each word now pierces the heart in an instant, whereas a for a dull spirit it can take days. a weak heart is a place where i can scream wholeheartedly, "Jesus, You're all i want, You're all i need!"

most people dread seasons of weakness. yet i've finally learned to enjoy them. in fact, i've learned to look forward to them as i anticipate the depths He could take me this time. as i reflect on the past, seasons of weakness have been seasons of desperation. they are the seasons where i have nothing else to hold on to but Him. these are the seasons where the heartfelt cries of psalm 73 become mine: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you."

these seasons are rare. but i treasure them deeply. thank You LORD!
You never stop, never stop loving me.

wrestlings of the heart

2010-08-11T00:35:00.001-07:00

one of the worst feelings on this journey called faith is when you think you heard Him correctly, were obedient to follow Him through it, only to emerge on the other side realizing perhaps you did not hear Him as well as you thought you did.

or to put it another way, you think He opens a door for you, you enter it, only to realize you might've walked through the wrong door.

mistake? or are we still in step with His perfect leadership?

did you hear Him incorrectly? or are you where you are today because that is where He wanted you in the first place? if so, does that mean we are always where He wants us to be even though it may not be where we would like to be, or even close to what we had hoped for?

Abba, i know Your leadership is perfect.
Abba, i know You know the desires of my heart, but even more so, you know the Desire of my heart--to follow You wholeheartedly. to the ends of the earth, wherever you lead me LORD, i will follow!
but Abba, it's hard. yes, i need to trust in You. yes, i am asking you to open doors, to provide a way for me. yes, i need to let go and give it all up to you. yet,
Abba, where is the joy in the letting go? all this world screams at me that in the letting go, there is only chaos, and i probably end up job-less, purpose-less, without a future, without a hope. okay not really, just being a little dramatic there haha. it's times like these where i want to drop everything and just go to seminary. haha just kiddingggg.

yet, Abba, i know that You are my hope.
all my fountains are in You.

i will keep coming back to You

2010-08-08T10:30:00.000-07:00

for all your fountains are in Me
I have everything you need
just keep coming back to Me

those who call upon My name
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me

personal revelation

2010-08-03T14:57:00.000-07:00

a steady gaze doesn't require gritting our teeth and suppressing all our distractions, but an honest acceptance of the thoughts of the mind and inviting the Spirit to speak to us, bringing us into agreement with His constant goodness. here, we find ourselves in a place where we are even closer to Him, more so than if we forced ourselves to focus on Him by fierce determination.

thank you LORD!

the choice is yours

2010-07-31T15:02:00.000-07:00

the pursuit of holiness (or the pursuit of righteousness, whatever you call it) is achieved in 2 ways, both of which require a very basic sunday school concept: obedience to Jesus.

on one hand we have obedience fueled by religious duty. duty implies obligation, a responsibility, work, a job. here, our heart is always reaching, always struggling, always striving, always trying harder. we rely on our own willpower as we believe that by taming our spirit to just "do the right thing", we will be successful, and hopefully, obtain perfection, a self-ordained version of righteousness, a "christian nirvana". we constantly find ourselves doubting if we will ever be good enough, and we wonder if we are really worth as much as He says we are. and always, lurking in the back dark corner is the fear of failure.

on the other hand we have obedience fueled by a love relationship of encounter. here we stand in confidence in the place of grace, where obedience comes from an overflow out of the abundance of the heart. here, obedience comes from a heart response, a form of worship because these days it seems like worship is the only appropriate response after encountering the face of Love. obedience becomes a dance, as the steps of our heart flow in sync with the movements of His, as our heart is swept away by the goodness of His every move.

it's amazing how the same goal can have such differing ways of reaching it. both operate from a genuine heart that desires nothing but true relationship with Jesus. however, one kills the spirit, and we reach a place where the journey has become too hard, and we just can't go on anymore.

the other, you His son, His daughter.
life does not get any better than this.

show me Your glory

2010-07-25T14:35:00.000-07:00

i live to know His love.
i live to know Him--His character, His emotions, feelings, and thoughts. at any moment in the day, i want to be aware of His manifest presence as tangibly as the wind on my face, the sun on my skin.

a tenderized heart is one that does whatever it takes to know Him. it is one that does not settle. it is one that longs to read the Word only to be moved to tears. anything short of that would not suffice.
a tenderized heart is a john 17:3 commitment to know God. it is one that fears a dull spirit and a lukewarm heart.

~~~

confession: since the beginning of summer, i've had a nagging desire to be taken up into the throne room! yes, a revelation 4 encounter, just to get a glimpse of the beauty of the One who sits on the throne. oh, just a glimpse please?
yes, quite the random but it keeps coming back to me. i'll keep asking!

God said to Moses, "climb higher up the mountain and wait there for me; I'll give you tablets of stone, the teachings and commandments." exodus 24

yes, in order to meet God i must constantly climb higher, in order to hear His voice, i must learn to wait more. He's been kind in giving me an insatiable desire to escape and be with Him. oftentimes it makes me doubt if i'm being antisocial or a loner. today i'm learning it's just the way He made me, and He's given me these desires for a reason. i'll choose to be obedient to them.

in today's society, being alone has been given a negative connotation. solitude has become paired with a lonely, depressed, emo, loner, leave-me-alone/i want to kill myself type of mindset. we have become fearful of being alone so we pack our lives with busy-ness and we no longer have time for His presence. we have become too busy for His presence. such tragedy!

today, i will choose solitude. no, not the loner type of solitude, but the type where i can be alone to fellowship with Him. a place where the things of this world--responsibilities, other relationships can fade away, where i shift my mind from the things of this world to things of the Spirit, where i can position myself and feed upon His Word, and my heart is ready to encounter Him. glory.

here, i wait.
here, i am transformed from glory to glory.
here i am, LORD
show me your glory.

my biggest fears

2010-07-15T02:46:00.000-07:00

(yay for late night rants!)

it's a scary thing, to finally be able to sit and be still, only to realize that it's been so long;
so long that you've forgotten the face that you were created to gaze upon.

it's a scary thing, to sit and be still, only to realize that you've forgotten who He is;
you don't even know who you are waiting for.

it's a scary thing, to become bored, restless, after spending just a minute in silence with Him;
you no longer can enjoy just being with Him.

it's a scary thing, to have time set out to talk to Him;
only to realize you have nothing to talk about. you don't even want to be here with Him.

it's a scary thing, to be unmoved when you meditate upon His love;
is Your love really better than life?

tonight, i recommit my vow to never reach these places.

i will cling on to You and never ever let go.

thanks, justin

2010-07-15T02:22:00.000-07:00

oh the peace,
of pure abandon

oh the joy,
of sweet surrender

cause if i try and save my life i will lose it
but if i lose my life for Your sake i'll find it in the end

this is true life:
give it all away

~~~

happy holiness
joyful righteousness

life,
is found
in the letting go,

true joy,
is found
in the tearing of the heart

thanks, Abba

2010-07-12T09:08:00.000-07:00

when you're not really sure what's going on,
when you're wondering if you are on the right track,
when you question if you're doing well,
He kindly reminds you that He's still here with you.

surely goodness and mercy will cover me,
all the days of my life.

surely i'm going to dwell in the house of the LORD,
forevermore.

no more words necessary

this is my confidence

2010-07-08T23:47:00.001-07:00

the spirit of performance/religious spirit/orphan spirit is one that keeps on telling me that God isn't pleased with me, that i've missed the mark or that i'm doing something wrong, preventing me from boldly standing before Him. it is a place of insecurity, one that keeps telling me that i have to be doing more, strive harder, pray harder, to pursue holiness harder, to trust more, to grasp on to every spiritual truth on the knowledge of God (how it slips through my fingers!), and it leaves me in a place thinking i am just never good enough. and as i drown in my weakness i lose all sense of my self worth, and i feel like a failure. woe is me! =(

the concept of amazing grace is one that i've just scratched the surface of. the journey of understanding the free gift of grace is a long one because the grace of Jesus is another one of those upside down kingdom truths--one that clashes with how my human heart naturally understands love and acceptance. (really? i don't have to do anything to earn love?)

besides the forgiveness of my sins (mercy), amazing grace brings me into a position of confidence. it is a place where i am completely righteous not because of what i do but because what He did, in making a way for me to enter into the holy place. with this posture of confidence, i receive the spirit of adoption, and i enter into my identity as His son. as His son, i can run to Him amidst drowning my immature love, my inability to trust, the ease by which i forget His truths, and to know that Abba Father enjoys me just as i am.

in this place, there is no striving.

here, i can walk with my chin up because i know who i am and i know who i belong to.

the enemy loves to take away my confidence. confidence means that i am filled with desire. it means i can run boldly, freely to His throne and embrace Him, because i have faith. i'm realizing my confidence can't rely on how i'm feeling, or what comes to my mind at the moment, because the default will be the lies of the enemy, that i'm not loved, not worthy, nor do i deserve Him because i've fallen so short in my humanness.

the reality of amazing grace, just like any truth i learn or read, isn't a truth i can just blog about or highlight in my bible and store into the deep abyss of my mind. rather, truth becomes alive only when i can use it in my dialogue with Him and it when it becomes something so engrained in my thoughts that my heart beats to it. such transformation, or the renewing of the mind (romans 12:2) is possible only as i fill my mind with truth and i thank Him and talk to Him about it. here, a paradigm shift brings about a revelation of the beautiful inheritance i always had, yet had failed to realize: the free gift of righteousness. it's a remarkable thing, to realize that freedom comes with the small (yet extremely difficult) way my mind thinks. such is the beauty of the spirit of revelation. thank You Holy Spirit!

oh the riches of a confident spirit i have yet to discover.

hand

2010-06-30T11:41:00.000-07:00

the mind is...scattered. unsettled. anxious. plans are...non-existent, up in the air. it's hard to sit and be still as the fear of the unknown, of not knowing the immediate next step leaves me trying to grasp the air for something, anything to cling on to, any tangible sense of direction, even for a moment of security. yet, security will not be found until i come to the revelation that security comes with whole-hearted surrender to the One who brings ultimate security. and knowledge of the unknown does not happen until i know the One who holds my life in the palm of His hands.

a season of transition is a season of the unknown. it is a season of wandering around in the dark with no sense of direction as i strain my ear to hear even the slightest sound of Your voice which gives me direction. and when i do hear Your voice ten million other voices come and fill me with doubt that i've heard correctly.

Abba, where are You leading me?

You are my refuge, the shelter to which i run into.
You are the steadfast Love to which i cling, my only constant.
You are the one whom i have set at my right hand. i will not be shaken.
You are my rock, my fortress. the stronghold of my life; whom shall i fear?
You are my Good Shepherd. and You will lead me into a place that is safe and secure.
i recite Truth over myself again and again.

~~~

eric, come. take My hand.
i will lead you beside still waters.

i will cling on to You. and never let go.

gaze '10

2010-06-19T11:17:00.000-07:00

the glance.

how i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met, yet how easily i forget the moment i look away!

the glance.

eyes skirt to and fro, from the fear of man to the spirit of performance, of doing more, of earning love, back briefly into His eyes where i can come before Him as Hephzibah.

eyes then return back to the fear of the future and where i lose all security in His perfect leadership over my life and then they glance back into the One who leads me beside still waters.

the glance.

here, romance is short-lived and intimacy is lost.

here, devotion is fleeting.

here, peace is temporary.

here, i forget who i am and to who i belong to, and i find myself living as a beggar, someone less than a son of the King Most High, clothed in righteousness.

though it has the ability to ravish the very heart of God, i have refused to settle for a glance. i have set my heart to turn my glance into a gaze and to gaze upon Beauty for all of eternity.

the gaze.

i'm realizing a steady gaze is just impossible. impossible on my own strength, it's made possible only by the fullness of grace--when my heart collides with His and i encounter the face of Love.

the posturing of my heart to encounter Love has been hard. without posturing my heart, i don't encounter Him; when i don't encounter Him, i lose my inner groanings, the heart cry for moment by moment fellowship with Holy Spirit, to dialogue with Him, to know what He is thinking, what He is feeling. when i lose that, i lose Him, and i might as well die.

help me, Jesus

son,

look into My eyes right now. never look away.

My eyes are upon you. they have always been.

you're My son, in whom I am well pleased.

you're doing well, eric. you're doing really well.

lock your eyes with Mine

2010-06-01T21:36:00.000-07:00

where you lead me LORD, i will follow

where you lead me LORD, i will go

eric, do you know where I am leading you?

umm no, sorry. where'd You go? i think i lost focus of You. i was too busy thinking to myself, making my own plans.

then watch Me lead

stop looking elsewhere

and lock your eyes with Mine.

~~~

no plans,

no expectations,

just wholehearted abandonment.

i'm gonna stop trying to gain control, i'm tired of it.

You can have control.

i'm finally letting go

who knows where i'll be tomorrow? a month? a year?

Your leadership is perfect.

sigh, how good it is to not know for once, and to let go!

here, your Spirit is reunited with me.

here, it is safe.

here, i am secure.

here, i find peace.

such is the beauty of surrender.

so this is what You meant by the surrendering of my soul

holy discontent

2010-05-30T22:40:00.000-07:00

i have reached a point with Him where if i miss a day or two of waiting, my soul literally aches. it's an anxious, unsettled feeling in my heart, one that eats away at every other task i attempt to accomplish throughout my day. a reverberating voice in my head screams "oh, how i miss You!" classes, relationships, and schoolwork seem meaningless as everything seems to fall apart, and i feel like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath of fresh air. my soul gasps for a moment where i can sit, be still, and gaze upon the Holy One. here, i can finally breathe. here, the panting deer can finally take a drink from the stream. how refreshing!

i've realized that my spirit has reached a point where it must encounter the Holy Spirit on a continual basis (cultivating the oil of intimacy), or else my spirit begins to decay. as i lose the sweet fragrance of Holy Spirit, i begin to smell the stagnant odor of a dull spirit creep up on me. the dry spirit is a thirsty one.

Jesus' love for me is the most profound concept i will ever come to know. the moment i say "Jesus loves me" and it fails to move my heart, i confess of a dull spirit, of a lukewarm heart, and i ask Him to tenderize my heart.

in a world where so many things scream for my attention, i need to learn how to say no to the things that bring me farther away from Him and yes to the things that bring me closer to Him. yet as one who is prone to self-sacrifice for the gain of others, how do i prioritize the self-gain of my own heart compared to my call to love others? where is the line drawn between a selfish heart (one in it for my own gain only) and a foolish heart (stretching myself so thin at the cost of losing my oil)? help me LORD.

note to self: apply to relationships

2010-05-28T11:45:00.000-07:00

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

-St. Francis of Assisi

Your nearness is all that i'm waiting for

2010-05-24T00:07:00.000-07:00

dear nearness,

what are You?

i encounter You as an emotion. fleeting, yet precious.

a sweetness of Your heart gracing upon mines,

a tap on the shoulder to stop, look upwards, behold,

and sigh.

the all-too-familiar connection of our hearts during worship,

something words will never be able to describe,

a moment where Your presence becomes tangible

where You become real and not it's not just my imagination,

where all regret and doubt disappear,

everything changes

when i know that You are here.

nearness.

surely You are more than an emotion, a feeling?

what more then, are You to me than an emotion or head knowledge?

it's the knowledge of You that causes me to fall more in love with You.

nearness.

if i can't feel You, how would i know that You are near?

it's always been hard to know You with my mind. i've always needed to feel You, to encounter You with my heart to know that You're near.

it wasn't until You traveled from my mind to my heart when i knew that You're with me. right here, right now.

nearness.

i know that You've never left me.

i know that You're here with me now.

yet, when i don't feel You, i assume that You aren't near.

and i know it's silly of me to feel that way,

and i know that i don't need to feel You to know that You're near,

but if You are Spirit, if You are a person, then surely i must feel You?

nearness, what are You beyond emotion? i must know!

nearness, whatever You are, You seem to be quite fleeting these days.

busy-ness? the hectic-ness of this season? the loud-ness of life? the difficulty to be still in the secret place? oh, what a struggle!

my mind tells me that You must be just as near as You always have been.

my heart can feel otherwise.

regardless,

i refuse to rest until i have Your nearness. whatever that means.

i refuse to go a day, a moment without encountering You.

i give myself no rest.

my emotions, my heart must be moved.

i refuse to settle for an encounter without feeling You.

a glance of Your face.

i was created for nearness

i live for nearness.

tenderize my heart, God. to feel the pleasures, the affections,

that kiss of Your heart upon mine.

i want Your nearness more than anything,

more than everything.

more self-discoveries

2010-05-14T10:32:00.000-07:00

i like to have control.

i like to believe the lie that control brings security.

security because control gives me the power to make things happen the way i want it, when i want it.

security because control means no longer worrying about things turning out in a way that i didn't want it to.

security because control means i only need to depend on one person: myself. and i like to trust and depend on my own abilities, judgements, and performance more than anything or anyone else on the face of this planet. i like to call it a self-sufficient spirit (you must die), a spirit that says "i don't need you, God. i got this all under control."

this is the part of the story where i fall flat on my face. splat!

the surrendering of my soul will be a lifelong journey. and i'm realizing that my longing for wholehearted surrender and abandonment in my worship is actually rooted in a longing for security. yes, security isn't found in other people. neither is security found in myself.

i can't put trust in myself. i can't put hope in myself. what i mean is when i depend on myself, i turn everything into a performance-driven game, where i must perform well to meet my own expectations. in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. and when i don't perform well, i begin to hate myself, hate my humanity, my human-ness, and my weakness. over and over again i collide with a spirit of performance, where i'm never good enough, where my weakness is ugly to Him and the lies tell me that He is disgusted at my weak love. oh, what horrible lies!

and He's been kind to allow me to fall flat on my face over and over again until i realize that maybe i don't have it all together. that i might actually need Him more. more than yesterday.

it's gonna take a while for this one to travel from the mind to the heart.

help me Holy Spirit, to trust. your friendship is so sweet.

~~~

it's funny how the more i ask Him to teach me about surrender, the more i find myself in places where the grip on my life and the complications and details and excessive thinking gets tighter and tighter until it consumes me. my heart becomes chained down and my spirit becomes overwhelmed, gasping for a breath of fresh air, desperate for a taste of freedom.

once again, i come face to face with an upside down kingdom:

where losing my life is the only way to gain it.

where surrender is the means to security.

where trust is to let go of everything, run towards, grab hold of the man Christ Jesus, and never let go.

where security means not having it all together and to surrender. to stop doing, stop striving, stop wrestling, and to sit and receive, to wait upon the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

oh, how good it is to trust in the LORD!

such freedom there is in surrender!

when He comes, all i can do is stand in silence, to look up, and to gaze.

in this place, i will never be put to shame.

blank

2010-05-12T10:41:00.001-07:00

my flesh and my heart may fail,

but You will be the strength of my heart,

my portion forever.

when my heart fails,

and my own voice gets too loud,

once again,

Your kindness causes me to approach You

and Your rainbow of mercy draws me near.

Your beauty leaves me in silence.

You never stop, never stop loving me

The United States of America: in God we (still) trust

2010-05-04T14:34:00.000-07:00

this thursday, may 6, happens to be the national day of prayer, an annual day of prayer originally designated by the U.S. Congress. even though there's a bunch of controversy over it right now (it's being challenged in court right now) president obama still issued a statement to support it. with all these prayer movements going on, this one stood out to out because it is organized by our GOVERNMENT, and not a church. it is a reminder that despite the spiritual state of our country today, the compromise of freedom of religion, and a universal concept of "God", America is a country founded by people who loved, followed, worshipped, and feared the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, in a way that our government today has long departed from.

nevertheless, this day of prayer is a reminder that behind the slippery slope of darkness i call materialism, idol worship, drunkenness, sexual perversion, pursuit of the "American Dream", and storing temporary treasures on earth, we are nothing without our greatest treasure, Jesus. it's a reminder that when it's all said and done, when the economy crashes, when we find ourselves in war and earthquakes and natural disasters, we have no where to turn but a "God", (whom many have yet to realize ultimately is the man, Christ Jesus). it's a reminder that in a country full of shiny things, living for the moment (forget about eternity), indulging in earthly pleasures, partying hard, and spending our lives building a name for ourselves, our ultimate security and significance is found in Jesus alone.

i never really liked this prayer a whole lot, but it just feels appropriate and it makes my point so here it goes:

Jesus, i plead your Blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.

i don't intercede for America that much, let alone a steady intercessory heart for UCSD. but i do desire for Him to touch our nation in radical ways.

God, i know you love America, more than i do.

let hope rise.

would You come.

we need You, God. we need You.

to gaze on Beauty

2010-04-29T09:53:00.000-07:00

the voices never stop. they flood my mind and my soul, drowning out the only voice i live to hear: Yours. Your all-too-familiar, still, gentle voice. it's really loud here in this crazy mind of mines, and i miss the sound of Your voice.

the voices pull me away from my devotion to You. they tell me to be this or that, to be this type of person, to be that type of leader, to become more _______. these voices tell me to pray harder, to minister more, to love more, to study more, to plan more, to work harder, to strive more, to become a better version of me that i have not yet reached (nor will i ever reach). they tell me that i'll never be good enough for You, they tell me that that i must have it all together in order to be worthy of You. they accuse me of wasting my life running in circles, never getting anywhere. they tell me that i have to be in a certain posture and a certain mindset to enter into your presence, they tell me that i need to have the newest nugget of revelation in order to receive Your love.

i'm tired of it.

finally, they tell me to strive more, to wrestle more, to contend for Your presence until i'm blue in the face in order to have You.

well, maybe i will. maybe i will never rest. maybe i will never stop contending. maybe my heart will never stop wrestling. maybe i will never be in a place where i feel like i'm okay with where i'm at with You.

because i must have You. i just must have more of You. i don't think i will ever be satisfied. You do satisfy, but on this side of heaven, until the day i see You face to face, i don't think it's ever going to be enough. i'm too hungry, too desperate, too thirsty, too stubborn to settle where i'm at right now and be content with what i already have with You. it's gonna take the rest of my life to achieve it, but i know. i know it's gonna be worth it all.

and when i'm tired of contending and when i realize i've been talking too much and over-thinking and being really silly, i'm gonna:

stop.

sit.

be still.

let go.

surrender.

receive.

i'm gonna wait,

and gaze on Beauty.

Beauty.

i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met.

~~~

sometimes i wonder if i've been irrational. i wonder if i've been too impractical, too narrow-minded. i wonder if i've been too extreme. i wonder if i've become obsessive, and i even wonder if i've been brainwashed by IHOP. i wonder if i've been too self-seeking, self-serving, self-pleasing in spending more time with You than loving others. i wonder if i've been too selfish in taking a step back from this world, from relationships, leaving behind others, in order to love You. i wonder just how badly i've failed as a minister, as a leader, as a world-changer, as a witness, as a light in this dark world. i wonder just how selfish have been in wasting my life away with You in the secret place, when i could be doing so many other things to serve You.

these voices are getting really loud.

they've been telling me to be someone else.

unfortunately for them, i now know who i am.

eric shi, lover of God. my only identity, and my only calling. to love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.

and You were kind to remind me that i've chosen the good part, what is better. and it will not be taken away from me.

until then, i'll turn my glance into a gaze.

i ravish His heart

2010-04-19T15:04:00.001-07:00

i am a lover of Jesus.

i don't love Him because i am particularly good at loving. i don't love Jesus because i am a religious or a spiritual person, or because i have some special talent, or because it's a hobby i'm really good at. i don't love Jesus because i was born with an innate desire to love, nor because it's what my mind naturally thinks about. rather, it's quite the opposite. i'm easily distracted by the things of this world. my mind, my thoughts, my emotions are easily attracted to the praise i get from men, and i easily value my reputation over loving Him. i struggle daily with doubt, with dullness, and a heart that fails to love an intangible God that i can't see or feel. daily i wrestle with His goodness in my life and for those around me, and i am left empty, filled only with unbelief.

in this place, i come face to face with my depravity, the fullness of my sin and shame, and the extent of my brokenness. however, instead of sinking deeper and deeper into my despair, hopelessness, and the bottomless pit of depression, i realize how much more i need Jesus. more than yesterday. i realized that i can't love Jesus on my own, but i need Him to love Him. simply put, i can't love Jesus only because He loved me first.

my love for Jesus has one source. it comes from knowing His love for me. my passion for Jesus comes from knowing His passion for me. i'm motivated to love Him when i know just how much He loves me, and that He sees me.

so i turn my gaze upon the face of Love. i turn my every single thought, emotion, my entire attention and fix my thoughts on the person of Love. i study His love for me. His passionate love, His jealous love, love that endured getting beaten to a pulp and nailed to a cross left to die, to the one who gave it all to have me. because i forget. i forget if He really loves me that much. i forget if He's really worth it. i forget if He's worth my time, and my effort. i forget that He sees me, that He's thinking about me, and that He's been here with me the whole time. during these times, i realize that don't even know Him anymore, because if i did, i couldn't help but love Him. if i only knew how much He loves me, i can't help but run towards Him! (john 4:10)

~~~

a few weeks ago i found this song, and it ruined me. (click on the 7th song) http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19433075467

set out 23 minutes, listen to it, and you will never be the same.

it ruins me in the sense that it forever changes the way i think and feel about Him, and the way i see Him. as His Spirit and my spirit collide, my old, broken, doubtful view of His love is destroyed, left in pieces. the song continues to wreck me even today because it brings me face to face with the person of Love. as dullness and the lies of the enemy accumulate over the days, my heart fills with doubt, and i begin to miss Him, blinded with a sense of His absence in my life. as His nearness and Truth leave me, i am left needing to be reminded by who He is. and as the song plays He embraces me and His nearness floods my heart, mind, and emotions. i finally let go of everything, my soul surrendered, and gaze upon the face of Jesus. He is beautiful, fairest among ten thousand, altogether lovely. i sit still and listen, allowing Him to whisper to my soul what He has been thinking about me for eternity past and eternity to come.

all i can do is melt into His arms.

oh, how i love you, God.

come, sweep me away.

dear

2010-04-18T03:20:00.000-07:00

God,

You know the deepest longings and desires of my heart.

and i know that You long to satisfy the deepest longings and desires of my heart.

so here is my heart. You can have it all.

would You come and satisfy.

surrendering of the soul

2010-04-13T23:24:00.000-07:00

about a month ago i asked Him: how do i surrender my soul? what does it take? what does it take to be possessed, consumed by Your Spirit? i want it! i will do whatever it takes to achieve it!

i didn't get an answer. rather, He began a journey in me that i realized will only take a lifetime for me to discover.

i would like to think that i have Him all figured out. i like to wish that i knew exactly what He's saying to me, what He is teaching me, where He is leading me, what He is doing with my heart in and out of season, so i can journal it down, slap a label on it, put it on my shelf of truths, and perhaps even blog about it to share what He is doing with my heart.
i like to wish that His ways with me were simple and clear-cut, delivered to me in the form of a nice, neat, pretty package with a bow on top. i'd like to wish that His ways were pain-free, stress-free, straightforward, fast, and user-friendly. (like a macbook)
i like to think that i have all His ways figured out. i like to think that i knew exactly what He was doing on my heart every moment as i grow as a lover of Him.

but this time, i just don't know. and maybe that's okay. maybe it's okay to not know. maybe it's okay to have no clear direction of where He's leading me, no sense of destination, but to follow His every small movement.
maybe it's okay to wait upon Him not for the sake of a revelation, or a breakthrough, a truth, or another piece of wisdom. because in the end, i don't worship a revelation or a truth. yes, He is Truth and revelations help me see Him better, and He gives me such things as markers of our walk together, but in the end, they do not define my relationship in Him. in the end, i wait for a man, and His name is Jesus. i wait upon Him and the character of His goodness alone.

maybe for once, it's okay not to have everything figured out and pretend like i know what He is doing. but to realize that He is God and i am not. and to fall on my knees in humility and in love.

maybe that's what it means to surrender my soul. to let go and wait. to lay prostrate and let Him do the work in my heart. and not go out searching and seeking for answers to the million bajillion questions on my mind, but to be still and know Him alone.

but it meant for me to fall flat on my face. and for Him to reveal my self-righteous, take-things-into-my-own-hands, know-it-all, performance-driven spirit. to reveal a type of worship that lacked the patience to wait and let Him be God. a type of worship that brought burnt offerings and sacrifices instead of a broken and contrite heart. He continues to break me so that He can get rid of things that stand in my way of seeing Him. in the jealousy of His love, He breaks me so that He can give me more.
He does this because his mind is filled with me.

~~~

at the end of the day, it's only You.
to be lost in the gaze of Your eyes.
to be with You.

for now, life shall be these 3 things:
to walk in the cool of the day with You
to gaze on the beauty of all You do
to mediate on Your glorious splendor.

i was made for You

carving out a place

2010-04-07T00:45:00.000-07:00

carving of the heart hurts

but i asked for it

and You answered

here i am LORD
a broken vessel
still i will sing to You

let it be a sweet sweet sound

show me Your face

show me Your glory