hand

the mind is...scattered. unsettled. anxious. plans are...non-existent, up in the air. it's hard to sit and be still as the fear of the unknown, of not knowing the immediate next step leaves me trying to grasp the air for something, anything to cling on to, any tangible sense of direction, even for a moment of security. yet, security will not be found until i come to the revelation that security comes with whole-hearted surrender to the One who brings ultimate security. and knowledge of the unknown does not happen until i know the One who holds my life in the palm of His hands.

a season of transition is a season of the unknown. it is a season of wandering around in the dark with no sense of direction as i strain my ear to hear even the slightest sound of Your voice which gives me direction. and when i do hear Your voice ten million other voices come and fill me with doubt that i've heard correctly.

Abba, where are You leading me?

You are my refuge, the shelter to which i run into.
You are the steadfast Love to which i cling, my only constant.
You are the one whom i have set at my right hand. i will not be shaken.
You are my rock, my fortress. the stronghold of my life; whom shall i fear?
You are my Good Shepherd. and You will lead me into a place that is safe and secure.
i recite Truth over myself again and again.

~~~

eric, come. take My hand.
i will lead you beside still waters.

i will cling on to You. and never let go.

gaze '10

the glance.

how i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met, yet how easily i forget the moment i look away!

the glance.

eyes skirt to and fro, from the fear of man to the spirit of performance, of doing more, of earning love, back briefly into His eyes where i can come before Him as Hephzibah.

eyes then return back to the fear of the future and where i lose all security in His perfect leadership over my life and then they glance back into the One who leads me beside still waters.

the glance.

here, romance is short-lived and intimacy is lost.

here, devotion is fleeting.

here, peace is temporary.

here, i forget who i am and to who i belong to, and i find myself living as a beggar, someone less than a son of the King Most High, clothed in righteousness.

though it has the ability to ravish the very heart of God, i have refused to settle for a glance. i have set my heart to turn my glance into a gaze and to gaze upon Beauty for all of eternity.

the gaze.

i'm realizing a steady gaze is just impossible. impossible on my own strength, it's made possible only by the fullness of grace--when my heart collides with His and i encounter the face of Love.

the posturing of my heart to encounter Love has been hard. without posturing my heart, i don't encounter Him; when i don't encounter Him, i lose my inner groanings, the heart cry for moment by moment fellowship with Holy Spirit, to dialogue with Him, to know what He is thinking, what He is feeling. when i lose that, i lose Him, and i might as well die.

help me, Jesus

son,

look into My eyes right now. never look away.

My eyes are upon you. they have always been.

you're My son, in whom I am well pleased.

you're doing well, eric. you're doing really well.

lock your eyes with Mine

where you lead me LORD, i will follow

where you lead me LORD, i will go

eric, do you know where I am leading you?

umm no, sorry. where'd You go? i think i lost focus of You. i was too busy thinking to myself, making my own plans.

then watch Me lead

stop looking elsewhere

and lock your eyes with Mine.

~~~

no plans,

no expectations,

just wholehearted abandonment.

i'm gonna stop trying to gain control, i'm tired of it.

You can have control.

i'm finally letting go

who knows where i'll be tomorrow? a month? a year?

Your leadership is perfect.

sigh, how good it is to not know for once, and to let go!

here, your Spirit is reunited with me.

here, it is safe.

here, i am secure.

here, i find peace.

such is the beauty of surrender.

so this is what You meant by the surrendering of my soul