lavish

every few months, the voices come back, "eric, you've gone too far. eric, you're too extreme, too intense. eric, you spend too much alone time with God. eric, you need to balance your life better. eric, you need to become more relevant to this world. eric, you're too narrow-minded. eric, you're too obsessed with the bible, too obsessed with IHOP, too obsessed with intimacy with Jesus, with this onething. eric, you're too obsessed with loving Jesus. eric, you need to be more practical in your leadership. eric, you gotta plan more. eric, you need to be doing more for Jesus. eric, you're not going to get anywhere sitting at the feet of Jesus....."

Jesus, remind me that this is what i signed up for. that i have given you my heart, soul, strength and mind for the sake of loving you. remind me that i am on the right track, and that i have chosen the good part, what is better. i refuse to lose sight of loving You.
Jesus, give me grace, give me strength to love you rightly. strengthen my resolve, that You would keep my heart steadfast, that i may be found faithful until the end. though it's a narrow and a road less traveled, though i will be misunderstood and criticized, i know You are worth it.

i'll lavish my love
i'll lavish my devotion
i'll lavish my time
i'll lavish my energy
i'll lavish my worship
i'll lavish my life at your feet
You are worth the lavish

the place of no agenda

there comes a point in any relationship where you reach a level of intimacy called "the place of no agenda." in this place, as you would've guessed, there is no agenda. you spend time with each other with absolutely no agenda, other than just to be with them. you don't need to plan any activities, do things to pass the time, nor even worry about talking to each other. in this place, silence isn't awkward, boring, tense, or uncomfortable. in fact, in the "the place of no agenda",  silence is welcomed, and even embraced. you look each other in the eyes. you blissfully sigh, because you feel so known, so understood. both know what the other is thinking. time flies, and before you know it, hours have passed.

"i will come again and will take you to myself, that where i am you may be also" john 14:3
"Father, i desire that they also...may be with where i am, to see my glory." john 17:24

as i spend time with my Beloved, i realize i know too little about this place. in fact, i am good at anything but this place. i find myself looking for more "things" to do, things that would hopefully pass the time more quickly so i would be able to look back and say that i had a good, "productive" time with Him. yet with Him, it's never about productivity, is it? never is it about gaining a new revelation, or filling my head with more bible knowledge, or a new truth. sure, these things lead us to Him, yet when they become "the end" instead of a "means to an end" (Jesus), you've missed the boat. yet time and time again, i find myself doing just that. i strive and strive and strive for a fresh revelation, sing through some songs, and pray through some prayers, only to neglect the One who lives within me and is sitting right next to me. to whom was i reading about? to whom was i singing to? and to whom was i talking to? the worst feeling is to look back and to realize that i have done so much yet i have forgotten Him. i was too busy occupying myself with "stuff" that i've turned my back on the only One that matters. i don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room.

the beauty of waiting upon the LORD is that it is the only discipline that brings me to the level of intimacy found in "the place of no agenda". here, there is no striving for a new revelation, nor is there forced mediation on a scripture or truth. in this place, there is pure enjoyment. to gaze upon His beauty. to dwell in His courts. to partake in the pleasure found at His right hand, and the fullness of joy and satisfaction in His presence. to open my heart, take delight in Him and for Him to take delight me.

i look Him in the eyes and tell Him how much i love Him. 
i wait.
He tells me how much He loves me.
i blissfully sigh.
we do it all over again.

delight in me. delight in me.

in today's world, we leave too little space for this "root of roots" in our relationship with Jesus. we forget that this place of mutual enjoyment is the first reason of our very existence. it's sad that we neglect the very thing that we will be spending an eternity in heaven captivated by. to join in with the angels, behold the glory of His face, and say with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, i am Yours, You are mine, and we'll be together forever.

all i want,
is to be near You, with You, 
where You are

gaze '10

the glance.

how i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met, yet how easily i forget the moment i look away!

the glance.

eyes skirt to and fro, from the fear of man to the spirit of performance, of doing more, of earning love, back briefly into His eyes where i can come before Him as Hephzibah.

eyes then return back to the fear of the future and where i lose all security in His perfect leadership over my life and then they glance back into the One who leads me beside still waters.

the glance.

here, romance is short-lived and intimacy is lost.

here, devotion is fleeting.

here, peace is temporary.

here, i forget who i am and to who i belong to, and i find myself living as a beggar, someone less than a son of the King Most High, clothed in righteousness.

though it has the ability to ravish the very heart of God, i have refused to settle for a glance. i have set my heart to turn my glance into a gaze and to gaze upon Beauty for all of eternity.

the gaze.

i'm realizing a steady gaze is just impossible. impossible on my own strength, it's made possible only by the fullness of grace--when my heart collides with His and i encounter the face of Love.

the posturing of my heart to encounter Love has been hard. without posturing my heart, i don't encounter Him; when i don't encounter Him, i lose my inner groanings, the heart cry for moment by moment fellowship with Holy Spirit, to dialogue with Him, to know what He is thinking, what He is feeling. when i lose that, i lose Him, and i might as well die.

help me, Jesus

son,

look into My eyes right now. never look away.

My eyes are upon you. they have always been.

you're My son, in whom I am well pleased.

you're doing well, eric. you're doing really well.

holy discontent

i have reached a point with Him where if i miss a day or two of waiting, my soul literally aches. it's an anxious, unsettled feeling in my heart, one that eats away at every other task i attempt to accomplish throughout my day. a reverberating voice in my head screams "oh, how i miss You!" classes, relationships, and schoolwork seem meaningless as everything seems to fall apart, and i feel like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath of fresh air. my soul gasps for a moment where i can sit, be still, and gaze upon the Holy One. here, i can finally breathe. here, the panting deer can finally take a drink from the stream. how refreshing!

i've realized that my spirit has reached a point where it must encounter the Holy Spirit on a continual basis (cultivating the oil of intimacy), or else my spirit begins to decay. as i lose the sweet fragrance of Holy Spirit, i begin to smell the stagnant odor of a dull spirit creep up on me. the dry spirit is a thirsty one.

Jesus' love for me is the most profound concept i will ever come to know. the moment i say "Jesus loves me" and it fails to move my heart, i confess of a dull spirit, of a lukewarm heart, and i ask Him to tenderize my heart.

in a world where so many things scream for my attention, i need to learn how to say no to the things that bring me farther away from Him and yes to the things that bring me closer to Him. yet as one who is prone to self-sacrifice for the gain of others, how do i prioritize the self-gain of my own heart compared to my call to love others? where is the line drawn between a selfish heart (one in it for my own gain only) and a foolish heart (stretching myself so thin at the cost of losing my oil)? help me LORD.