unoffended heart

as i follow Jesus there have been many moments where my heart becomes offended. it happens most often when I think that i've heard the LORD correctly on one thing, prayed about it, take a risk and step into that direction, only to get the door slammed shut on me. it's one of the most painful experiences in the world. it hurts because throughout it all, i had thought the LORD's hand was upon me and guiding me. throughout it all, i had been trying my best to discern and follow Jesus wherever He was leading me, and all of a sudden i feel alone, abandoned, and "set up" by God for disappointment. it's painful because it breaks trust, and my confidence in my ability to discern and hear from the LORD, and on top of that it's a blow to my faith in a loving, good God that has the best intentions for me. however, as i look back, such feelings were but temporary.

You turn things upside down!

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,
   "He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
   "He has no understanding"? 

is 29:16

the journey of trusting the perfect leadership of an invisible God is one that requires an unoffended heart. it's one that has to embrace the hard fact that following Jesus isn't a peachy and easy road where things will always go our way. in fact it's never even about our way to begin with. as i reflect on my past 4 years at UCSD (and even prior to that) there were many moments where life has just not gone as i had expected. (during such moments i would sigh, "oh life"). unanswered prayers, circumstances, hardships and conflicts in relationships, academics, ministry, or life calling have left me in places where i really question God's good intentions for me.

the weird thing is that the best way God has grown my heart is to offend it. it's one of those upside down kingdom paradoxes that God uses to mature my heart and my trust in His leadership. the journey of surrender is a journey of death to self. by His grace He wrecks my plans and expectations only to ask do you still trust me, Eric? even now? once i'm here i realize i have no where to turn but into His sovereign, perfect will for my life. He intentionally allows life to go a way that offends my heart, and He leaves me with the invitation to see if i will still trust that His ways are higher (is 55:9), and His ways are better, that He is still for me, cares for me, and that He still loves me. He breaks down my pride and my self-confidence apart from Him, only that i would come out leaning. little did i know that during my self-pity sessions, He knew the end of the story, that i would come up from the wilderness leaning on Him. and i will lean! for He always knows what is best for me. 

today, i'm left at a place where i know that regardless of any current circumstance, trial, tribulation, or struggle, all are but light and momentary afflictions that are producing in me an eternal weight of glory (2 cor 4:17-18). in His kindness the LORD offends my heart so that i would learn to cultivate an unoffended heart, for blessed are those who are unoffended in Him (matt 11:6). through this process i come out leaning, confident that my life is not my own, and i begin to live with a perspective of eternity--that life is far more than what is seen. 

His left hand is under my head, 
and his right hand embraces me!
SOS 2:6

poor in spirit

"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"

"blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth" 

-Jesus, matt 5:3, 5

Jesus was the perfect example of humility and meekness. He said Himself that He came to earth with a purpose: not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (matt 20:28).

as i wrestle with spiritual poverty i realize the extent of my self-centered, prideful nature that secretly likes to exalt myself and takes joy in self-promotion and self-preservation. He has been kind to expose my self-seeking/self-glorifying nature that keeps me from loving Him wholeheartedly. oh that He would increase and i would decrease! 

1) each breath of life is by His mercy (lam 3:23). i desire to take my eyes off myself and to be humbled by a God far greater than my self-centered life. to prostrate myself before the God who holds the world in His hands. He is the one who gives and takes away, the one who initiates and ends all seasons. (ecc 3:1)

2) every good thing is a gift from Him. i have no good thing apart from Him (ps 16:2). there is nothing good in this world apart from the goodness of Jesus and a life found in Him. all eternal pleasures are at His right hand (ps 16:11). every other pleasure is but temporary.

3) i am nothing without Him. without Him i have nothing. without Him, i am but a man of sinful nature (jer 17:9), deserving nothing but eternal death. (rom 6:23). but since Love came down, it has never been about what i deserve. oh, the ocean of grace.

4) i couldn't even love Him or know Him had He not opened my eyes first (1 john 4:19). to realize that i was doomed for hell but He pulled me out and seated me on His throne (eph 2:6). and to think that He did all this while i still hated Him because of my sin (rom 5:8)? never again shall i think that my self-righteous sacrifice or burnt offerings (ps 51: 16) can do me any good. for all He desires is a broken and contrite heart.

5) i own nothing. nothing belongs to me. nothing is entitled to me. i want to live with the reverence and awe that comes with knowing that my life is not my own. all my skills, talents, relationships, money, resources, come from Him. never for a moment should i think that any good thing came from myself. and never should i boast about any gift that came from Him, nor should any of it be used for my own gain, self-promotion, selfish desires, but everything for His glory. never should i for a moment relish or take pride or take credit for any good thing about myself.

6) finally, without Him i can do nothing. (john 15:5) oh, how i need Him.

oh the joys of a life crucified with Christ! oh the freedom found in death to self and complete abandonment to Jesus! oh the joys of sweet surrender, of breaking free from a self-centered life and a life wholly surrendered to Jesus!

waves of life

¹⁵As for man, his days are like grass;
   he flourishes like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
   and its place knows it no more.
¹⁷ But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
   and his righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ to those who keep his covenant
   and remember to do his commandments.
ps 103:15-17
 
our lives are like waves tossed in the ocean of life. as human beings, the ups and downs of circumstance, stress, emotions, feelings, and seasons are what naturally determine our well-being. unfortunately, we often let these "non-factors" determine our relationship with Jesus.
at the very core of spirituality and a relationship with Jesus is this: to deny ourselves and embrace the steadfast love of Jesus. it is a conscious decision (a difficult one for that matter) to say no to our un-Godly emotions (fear, anxiety, depression) and to renew our minds in the loving promises of Christ. we have to be really intentional in how we take our mind off of the present light and momentary circumstance/emotion/feeling and set our focus and gaze on the constancy of the character of God. and how easy we forget the faithfulness of God! and how easy our mind and faith falters! yet even in weakness, He loves us.
our decision to say a (weak) yes to Jesus when we least feel like it is a very counter-cultural, counter-intuitive way of thinking. it is a very selfless act to deny our self-seeking, self-centered way of thinking and to set our heart, soul, mind, and spirit on the living word of God, the man Christ Jesus, the One who makes all things work for our good. let our hearts be anchored in the love of Christ in the midst of the rocking and shaking in the waves of life. let us come to Jesus, the One who, at the end of the day, is the only one who knows what is good for me.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
rom 12:2 

i believe in the worth of the Lamb

the wilderness

few say yes to it. it's a place of testing (james 1:3), trials (james 1:2), refining (rev. 3:18), purifying (rev. 19:7), purging (gal 5:24), self denial (matt 16:24), death to self (phil 1:21), shaking (heb 12:27), breaking-and-molding (2 cor 4:7). the wilderness is characterized with seasons of pain, distress, (light and momentary) affliction, weakness, temptation, doubt, and suffering. such seasons are filled with wrestling, contending, warfare, persevering, toiling, striving, enduring. and throughout it all, we wonder: is this what i signed up for? is this what i said yes to when i agreed to follow You no matter the cost? where is the joy? the freedom? the peace that You claim to offer?

we do whatever we can to avoid the wilderness. we busy ourselves with distractions, any temporary (inferior) pleasure to keep us from coming face to face with the barrenness that is the depravity of our soul and a lack of any good thing apart from the love of Jesus. there is something very uncomfortable about the barrenness of a human heart exposed to the glory of God. as our heart is put into the refining furnace of His love, impurities come out--suddenly our loneliness, emptiness, and insecurities are exposed. suddenly, i realize that i don't trust God as much as i thought i did...God, are you really good? are you there God? i'm really hurting right now. if you really are as good as you say you are, why is there so much crap in my life? why do You feel so far? do You really care about me? God this sucks, i am so sad right now. we get uncomfortable, and we want out of the fire as soon as possible, and we settle--we make our way to the wide road of lukewarm christianity, where we don't have to deal with the discomforts of what ultimately is offense at God. how could you put me through that, God? we leave and we jump right back into the busy-ness of christian routine and hide under our religious christian "label" and grind out our mundane and unfulfilling life until we die and (supposedly) reach heaven. (my bad for being so blunt)

the saddest thing about wilderness seasons is that by avoiding them, we are actually denying a gift straight from the Father's heart. by indulging ourselves in temporary distractions, chasing after broken cisterns that which dull our ears to the whispers of His voice alluring us into the wilderness, we are ultimately missing out on the fountain of life, superior pleasures found at His right hand! it's His kindness and His grace that beckons us to come closer to His throne of grace. it is an invitation to come and enter into the fullness of life! it begins with allowing Him to surface the doubts, fears, offense, insecurities so deeply rooted in our hearts that we didn't even know they were there in the first place, and surrender at the foot of the cross, so that we may live a life of freedom and abundant life (john 10:10).

one of the hardest things about the wilderness is to believe that we are making progress. am i just running in circles, God? God, you feel so far right now, are you really doing a work in my heart right now? i'm so frustrated right now, sitting here wrestling with You. i don't think i'm getting anywhere. yet by faith we take things day by day, step by step, renewing our spirit in His daily mercies, as we deny the lies that tell us anything otherwise, cling to His promises (rom 8:28), and set our eyes on the goal of seeing His face.

i need a perspective shift. yes, to be poor in spirit (matt 5:3) and to recognize every good and perfect gift comes from His throne of grace (james 1:17). to set my eyes upon His ways, to seek and say yes to every word that comes from His mouth, that i may remain abiding in His word (ps 119), and not mine. to humble my stubborn, prideful, self-centered self and realize my lack of knowing what is good for myself apart from Him. all i have to offer Him is my broken and weak heart (ps 51:17) and a "yes" cry of my heart. oh that i may die to my self-preserving love for myself (john 12:25) and take joy in sweet adoration! oh that i may submit and surrender my every desire and look towards the joy set before me found at the day i see Him face to face. though the satisfaction is not instantaneous, i know it will be worth it.

until then, i will say yes to the wilderness, and offer all my heart. my Dad has big, steady hands, He knows what He's doing.

i will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart

lavish

every few months, the voices come back, "eric, you've gone too far. eric, you're too extreme, too intense. eric, you spend too much alone time with God. eric, you need to balance your life better. eric, you need to become more relevant to this world. eric, you're too narrow-minded. eric, you're too obsessed with the bible, too obsessed with IHOP, too obsessed with intimacy with Jesus, with this onething. eric, you're too obsessed with loving Jesus. eric, you need to be more practical in your leadership. eric, you gotta plan more. eric, you need to be doing more for Jesus. eric, you're not going to get anywhere sitting at the feet of Jesus....."

Jesus, remind me that this is what i signed up for. that i have given you my heart, soul, strength and mind for the sake of loving you. remind me that i am on the right track, and that i have chosen the good part, what is better. i refuse to lose sight of loving You.
Jesus, give me grace, give me strength to love you rightly. strengthen my resolve, that You would keep my heart steadfast, that i may be found faithful until the end. though it's a narrow and a road less traveled, though i will be misunderstood and criticized, i know You are worth it.

i'll lavish my love
i'll lavish my devotion
i'll lavish my time
i'll lavish my energy
i'll lavish my worship
i'll lavish my life at your feet
You are worth the lavish

all i want for christmas

this christmas i want it to be less about me. even more so, as much as i enjoy them, i want christmas to be less about feel-good christmas songs, even less about giving/receiving gifts. i want to give glory to the birth of Jesus Christ. there is none like this man. fully God, He came into the world in a manger, unnoticed, unappreciated, and unrecognized.
this christmas, i want to sing the real christmas songs, like the old school hymns, ones about Jesus, not other stuff that just distract me from the glory of His birth. this christmas, i want to know the depths of the worth found in the Lamb who is seated on the throne. i want to know why right now in heaven, the twenty-four elders and the four living creatures and legions of angels, ten-thousand upon ten-thousand of them, find Jesus worthy enough so sing and give Him glory and praise non-stop for all of eternity. i want to know what makes it worth it for me to spend eternity giving praise to this man.
this christmas i want to join with the choirs of angels and sing to the King, the One who sits upon the throne, the One who is worthy of all the glory, honor, adoration, and admiration. this christmas i want to behold and give glory to the One who came into this world for one purpose only and that is to die for me so that i could live.

i watch this video each year. it always touches me in a new way.


this christmas, at the top my my lungs, i want to sing hallelujah to Jesus Christ, the King, the Bridegroom, my Beloved.

thankful

forty(one) things i'm thankful for this thanksgiving. i realized i could go on forever so this is as much as i had time to type down haha.

1) the IHOP prayer room webstream. (thank you cory, matt, audra, jon, tim, laura. you don't know me but i know you, sorta. i will meet you in heaven)
2) a sweet, powerful IHOP chorus that washes over my heart and gives me life.
3) the power of worship and music to speak revelation into the heart in a way that does not have to travel through the head first.
4) the gift of hunger. i asked and He gave. hunger begets hunger. a process of becoming ruined more and more for anything less. thank you LORD.
5) the aches upon my heart when i miss a day of waiting upon Him. how He beckons me to come meet Him in the secret place.
6) the revelation of the word of God on the human heart. few things in life are sweeter.
7) the gift of fasting given to posture the human heart for a greater capacity to encounter the heart of God.
8) the morning silence. the beauty found in the rawness of the human heart exposed to the heart of God. no music, flashy lights, no props or emotional hype necessary. where it's you and me alone, God.
9) the book of psalms, to shift my perspective. for a mind that is prone to wander, prone to overthink, prone to live in weakness, psalms take my eyes off myself and my woes and remind me of who is in control. that You are God, and i am not.
10) the book of revelation. the revelation of the person Christ Jesus in His splendor and glory. as bridegroom, king, and judge.
11) the word of God. the very living word, and the satisfaction i get when i eat it.
12) the transforming work in my dad's heart. he just recently just started going to church again. he's been unemployed for over half a year, yet he's been more joyful than any other time in his life.
13) the miracle of a restored family and joyful holiday seasons after years of harder ones. those who wait on the LORD will not be put to shame.
14) the wisdom of my mom. her love for the family. her faith. the rock of our family. the depths of her love and devotion for Jesus inspire me. the fruit of her prayers are what shape so much of who i am today.
15) my roommates and our intense pursuit of God. our late night talks about Jesus Christ, the gospel, and the knowledge of God.
16) every time i take the time to wait upon Him. the tenderizing work of the Holy Spirit to soften my heart of stone to feel the movements of His heart upon mine.
17) the liberty and greater freedom from the inferior pleasures of my flesh (fear/approval of man, entertainment) to pursue the superior pleasures found at His right hand
18) the freedom found in worship--to kneel, to jump, to sit, to be, to scream at the top of my lungs.
19) my guitar and a voice to sing songs to Jesus in my room.
20) the privilege of an intercessor. the chance to partner with His heart. to stand in the gap and talk to God on the behalf of men.
21) the burden of intercession for UCSD and for intervarsity. there's so much more. come Lord Jesus come.
22) the gift of prayer. the reality that is our access to the throne room.
23) the gift of solitude. call me introverted, but i just want to be alone with God.
24) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. to wake up to say good morning Holy Spirit! i want to talk to you more.
25) vanilla yogurt and granola. or vanilla soymilk with granola. with bananas of course.
26) His constants: my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, shelter, strong tower, the rock upon which i stand, my fortress, refuge, shield, salvation, stronghold.
27) His word which is perfect, revives the soul, gives wisdom to the simple, brings joy, brings revelation, brings insight, and brings reward.
28) the very very bright light of His glory found in the beholding of His face
29) the way He lets me know that He's here with me--when i close my eyes, the impression that He's here and He's been here.
30) the gift and the mystery of tongues. the times when i don't know what to say and i could just pray in the spirit to speak straight into His heart. beyond words.
31) the sport i call running, and the hundreds of times i've ran the trail by the train tracks by rose canyon. the times when, feeling overwhelmed, to run until my mind goes blank. the times i meet Jesus while running.
32) the leadership of moses, the worship of david, the excellence of daniel, and the passion of john the baptist. godly men in the bible given for me to model my life after.
33) the feeler side of me
34) the thinker side of me
35) the mysteries of His sovereignty, healing/miracles/signs/wonders, free will, and predestination. the moment i like to think i've gotten Him all figured out is the moment that i need a fresh touch.
36) the old testament and the wrath of God and His hatred of sin.
37) the (unplanned) status of graduating a year early. learning to accept rest.
38) the (very) chilly evenings of fremont, california. the smell of the smoke from fireplaces and family dinners.
39) the kitchen at my home. my dog buddy and his santa costume. christmas music on the radio, and good talks while cooking dinner with the mother. 
40) all my friendships, and those who read this blog and love me enough to listen to my rants. you know who you are. those who have grace and patience on me, and mostly, just accept me for being me.
41) j

He has been so good to me.

the thinker in me

culmination of thoughts at 4am in the morning...haha

Jesus, you are a man of extremes.

You were so irrelevant. you spoke in parables and you talked about eating your flesh and drinking your blood.
yet, you were so relevant. you spoke in shepherd and farming analogies to make sense to those in the crowds following you.

You were impersonal when You preached to the crowds and fed thousands upon thousands.
yet You are the most personable person we will ever come to know--even in the midst of the crowd, Your eyes were upon the bleeding woman. you knew her intimately and you called her daughter. You hold the keys to unlock every heart.

You never cared about numbers. You preached a message that offended others.
yet you had thousands following you.

You didn’t preach to please men. You preached an insulting, difficult, discomforting, convicting message. You infuriated pharisees, and depressed the rich young ruler. You didn’t preach an easy message. You talked about the narrow road, the call to follow You requires the selling of all possessions, and a call to death to self.
yet Your message pleased many men. it was message for the sick, and the broken; it was a message for those like the bleeding woman and the samaritan woman, You preached a message of life, hope, peace, healing, redemption, and restoration. You speak words that we long to hear, you speak hope to the hopeless, a message of abundant life, and you bring joy to those who have nothing to be joyful about.

Jesus didn’t walk around with the gospel message on His shirt. Jesus wasn’t a broken record, on auto-pilot, preaching about the depravity of man, our sinfulness and our need to repent to every person He encountered. rather, He met people right where they were at, and every encounter was one that pointed to the heart of the Father. every encounter Jesus had with another brought that person closer to the heart of God.

as a follower of Jesus for over 13 years, I am realizing more and more that the bible holds a message that is black and white. my roommate was right. i’m realizing that the message of Jesus is a message of no compromise, no grey area. you are either hot or cold, not lukewarm. you are either following Jesus or you are not. you are either gratifying the flesh or gratifying the desire of the Spirit within you. you are either saying yes or no to Jesus. you either love the world or you reject it. you either love sin or hate sin. black and white.

however, the understanding of the black and white gospel is something that i’m just beginning to understand over the past few years. I wonder if I would have accepted or even come close to understanding the depths of the extreme, radical, revolutionary gospel five, ten, thirteen years ago. despite being born into a christian family, I wonder if I would have felt like such a gospel would be something I could commit to. however, it is only because I have journeyed with the LORD for 13+ years, I can say with confidence that our gospel is a black and white one.

perhaps the gospel message at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a grey one? all bible theory, 4 spiritual laws, TULIP aside, perhaps at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a gospel message that is simple, and...grey. perhaps it could be as simple as knowing that Jesus loves me and that we want to begin a journey of entering into that. or something that stirs a hunger and desire to know more about the man Christ Jesus. perhaps a grey gospel is the only one which any heart is open and receptive and open to. one that meets people right where they are at. i wonder if the black and white gospel makes sense to me now only because i have spent the past 13 years growing, maturing in my "grey" understanding of the gospel.

i just don't know.

~~~

we can classify Christianity into 3 different camps:
1) the conservative, reformed camp (Piper, John McArthur, Paul Washer)
2) the evangelical, moderate camp (Saddleback, Intervarsity)
3) the charismatic, liberal camp (IHOP, Bethel).

for the purpose for the point i’m making today, the two extreme camps (conservative and charismatic) are actually a lot more similar than we like to admit. (I will explain later)

so that leaves us with two camps: the extreme camps and the moderate camps. each camp has one major purpose. here are my observations:

1) the extreme camps preaches a gospel focusing on the fullness of truth, so that Christ may be glorified. the extreme camps tend not to please man in their preaching and interpretation of the gospel, neither do they care about their reputation. the extreme camps have no fear of being irrelevant to this world, neither are they fearful of being misunderstood or rejected. (“we seek the approval of God and do not serve to please men, do we not?" gal 1:10) once again, i will put both conservatives and charismatics in this camp. the only difference is on one hand you have the charismatics who are not afraid to manifest and blabber openly in tongues and the other hand you have the conservatives who have no fear being hated and rejected by this world, preaching a black and white gospel of the depravity of man and the extent of man's sinfulness.
the extreme camp has a tendency to criticize and judge and often preaches against "lukewarm" christians. ("i know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!” revelation 3:15). oftentimes, their preaching is aimed at conviction and criticism of the church for being too worldly (“do not love the world or anything in the world.” 1 john 2:15) the extreme camps are often guilty of self-righteousness, the spirit of performance, and religion. this camp often labels themselves as "radicals" for Jesus, unafraid of being irrelevant, Spirit filled Jesus Freaks or Bible-Wielding preachers.
many of those in the extreme camp don’t believe in the need to preach in a way to engage the crowd. they don’t believe in a gospel that needs to be “watered down” or particularly relevant in order to be followed. they believe in the full power of the work and conviction of the Holy Spirit, so they preach in a direct manner.

2) the evangelical, more moderate camps preaches a gospel that is relevant (“to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.” 1 corinth 9:20). their gospel is one that uses analogies, nuances, and “interpretive lenses”. such preaching may include contemporary analogies, funny stories, and jokes to engage the crowd. they use pizza, good music, and free stuff to lure in the masses. they tend to preach a crowd-friendly gospel, often times with the danger of deviating towards a “prosperity gospel”, or a gospel that people want to hear to make them feel better about themselves. compared to the extreme camp, the evangelical gospel is crowd-friendly and seeker-friendly. they know how to relate to people by preaching a gospel that meets people right where they are at. however, this type of gospel can leave “mature”, life-long christians feeling "unfed", bored, and stagnant.
the gospel of the evangelical church can be criticized as a gospel that is shallow, "watered down", or just not deep enough.

the question is, what type of gospel did Jesus preach? what type of gospel would Jesus preach today?

though there will always be exceptions to the way God works in hearts, my observation is that the gospel most people accept at the beginning of their relationship with Jesus is the moderate gospel. I like to call it the entry point. here you find the vacation bible school children who innocently raise their hands choosing to accept Jesus into their hearts, as well as the youth group retreats where teary-eyed, emotional teens on a “spiritual high” commit/rededicate their lives, and finally you have the hundreds who stand up at Intervarsity large groups. more often than not, such people stand not entirely sure why they stood. oftentimes, because they were preached a grey, friendly, moderate gospel, those who respond have no clear idea of the gospel. they know little to nothing about their sinfulness, their need for repentance, let alone what Jesus even did on that cross. however, despite the lack of knowledge and truth in their understanding, their response is usually very genuine and simple--they felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to say yes, to take one step closer to God, whatever that means.

at this point, for these souls, the future remains unclear. at this point, 2 fates remain:

1) they can choose to vegetate--remain in this state, continue to live the same life, and do not pray or read the bible. these are the ones criticized for experiencing just an “emotional high” as they “fall away” or go back to their worldly lifestyles. here we find our “nominal” or “lukewarm” christians, ones who label themselves as christians, but are not walking the talk. at this point, insert many of those born into christian families--those who have gone to church their entire life but remain unchanged. here are some of your most dangerous christians--those who think they are doing well, have their ticket to heaven, but those who are doing just enough church to get out of hell but just enough sin to still be cool. these are your dangerous christians who claim to be christians but do everything opposite of who Jesus is, and display every work of the flesh (sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies” gal 5:19). these are the christians that break God’s heart, for they can claim to be followers of Christ yet do anything and everything that is not of Him, forever tainting the face of Jesus and all the good that He represents.

2) they can begin a life-long love relationship with Jesus, seeking after the heart of God. these are the ones who die to self, pick up their cross, and follow Christ in wholehearted abandonment, pursuing a lifestyle of holiness and righteousness. these are the ones who will give themselves no rest as they seek God’s face, living a lifestyle of repentance (“search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalm 139:23). these are the ones who will be willing to die for Christ than live a lukewarm life. these are the ones giving themselves to be people of the first and second commandment--to love God with all their heart soul strength and mind, and to love others with the same love (luke 10:27). these are the ones giving their lives to find eternal life in the knowledge of God (john 17:3). these are the ones who dedicate their lives to prayer and the word of God, ones committed to wholehearted devotion to Christ. through spending time daily with the LORD in the secret place, these are the ones filled with the Holy Spirit, the One who convicts sin and tangibly manifests such fruits as (“love, joy peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.” gal 5:22)

knowing these two groups, the question as ministers of the gospel remains: how do we preach the gospel? and after preaching the gospel, how do we prevent a generation of (fate 1) carnal Christians and how do we raise up a generation of (fate 2) radical, fearlessly abandoned lovers of Jesus?

do you have compassion for those who are lost? just how much do you love the lost?
are you going to preach the true, blunt, black and white extreme gospel regardless of how others going to be receptive to it?
or are you going to preach a simple, “watered down” version of the gospel, something as simple as a small an act of love, a simple “Jesus loves you and is pleased with you”, anything that they will remember, anything to bring them one step closer to God and to point them to God?

I don’t know. haha.
shoot, just read the bible and do what Jesus did.
oh, and never stop praying.

good news

my friend walked into the room, a grim expression upon his face
“my coworker passed away yesterday”
“what do you mean?” I asked
“I went to work today, and she wasn’t there, and they said she died in her sleep”
the room went silent, as the words slowly began to sink in.

my friend began to speak,
“how can I claim to hold the keys to eternal life yet never share the gospel with her? i can’t believe I never got to share the gospel with her.
she was the most selfless person in the office...i could tell she was so hopeless, living a hopeless life. I could tell by the way she carried herself...she said she lived in a trailer home with her mom...that seemed like the only thing she lived for was to take care of her mom...she was always on the phone with her doctors...she always looked so tired...she said she had insomnia, she would go to work in the morning, her eyes dark because she couldn’t fall asleep...i could tell she had no purpose...she never cut her hair, and when people asked her why she said if she did she wouldn’t know how she should get it cut...it reflects how she lived her life...just wandering...just to get through life...without a purpose, without a hope...
how can I claim to know the good news and yet never share it to her? why am I not treating the gospel like it was good news? if the gospel message is such good news, why have I failed to preach it to a woman who needs it the most? if anyone, she would’ve been really open to receive the hope of the gospel. and I failed eric, I failed.”

my friend walked out of the room.

the room fell silent again.
the weight of eternity weighed heavily upon me.

I began to reflect on how death is the ultimate equalizer; that God, perfect in love and perfect in judgment, would use death to level the playing field. that regardless of wealth, fame, social status, there will come a day where we each come face to face with death. in this place, we will find ourselves standing before the judgment seat of God, ready to receive our fate for the rest of eternity.

I was cut to the heart by the reality of souls upon souls that reach eternal death every second of the day. nearly 161 people die every minute; LORD knows if at least 80 souls go to hell and enter into eternal damnation every minute, never given the chance to experience any hope or sense of life again. we are talking about souls. eternity is at stake, and can won or lost in a moment.

the question is this: will you say yes to Jesus?

and if you have said yes to Jesus, where is the sense of urgency? do you not hold in your hand the key to eternal life? do you claim to know the only means to salvation? how can you not share it? is it not good news to you?

one of the most sickening realities about myself and most christians is that I have known all this yet I remain unmoved.

LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours.

simple offering

there are still moments where the spirit of performance in me tells me that i'm not giving enough, or that my offering is insufficient. the more i am exposed to the depths of holiness and perfection in the God i serve, the more i feel like i have fallen short in offering a love, a heart, a lifestyle of worship that is worthy of His acceptance, let alone come close to reciprocating what i'm receiving. the more i'm exposed to the magnitude of His kindness, His perfect love, i am left desiring to give Him even more--which usually translates to serve Him more, to pray more, to worship more, to try harder...the list goes on and on...

yet, i keep finding myself falling short.

in other words, because He has been so good to me, there are moments where i feel like i must give something of value in return, yet i keep failing. i realize how weak i am, how little faith i have, and how little trust i have. i realize just how broken my love is, how easily i become distracted, and how easily i can take my eyes off of Him.

here, i realize it's one of those moments of amazing grace where it's not about what i can give, but what He keeps giving me. here, i can trade in all of myself for all of Him. what a glorious exchange of love indeed!

as for me, all i have to offer is a broken and contrite heart.

for you do not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it; 
you will not be pleased with burnt offering
the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise
psalm 51:16

You look to the humble and contrite in spirit;
one who trembles at your word 
isaiah 66:2

I bring to you a fragrant offering
I pour out my love and I wash your feet
I offer up to you oh LORD this brokenness
what You can see in me will be my confidence

missions

i look forward to the day He opens a door for me to do missions work in asia. china would be a good place to start.

choices

13 years later, it's still a choice.
it's not a once-in-a-lifetime-stand-up-if-you-want-to-accept-Jesus-into-your-life type of choice.
nor is it a once-a-day-during-devo-and-forget-about-it choice.
it's become a moment-by-moment choice that follows every breath i take.
13 years later, i'm still left choosing.

tonight, the choice is the same it was 13 years ago. the choice remains simple. will i choose Jesus? will i say yes to Him? will i choose His promises, His Truth, His voice, His ways above my ways?
or will i say NO to all that and choose something else over Him? will i choose myself over Him? will i give in to what my emotions tell me? will i choose to dwell in my insecurities, my doubts, and fears?

the voices come flooding back.
some tell me that i have no hope, that i'm always giving You the benefit of the doubt, that i'm just doing some positive thinking therapy, that You do not care about me, that You are ignoring me, and that You have forsaken me.
yet, another familiar voice tells me that Your love is steadfast, You are faithful, You are constant, and most importantly, that You are here with me now.

what will i choose tonight?

tonight, i will choose You. i will choose to hold on to Your promises. i will choose Your Truth over my emotions. tonight i choose to live in Your joy, peace, and freedom. tonight, i choose You over the lies, the voices that tell me i have no hope. i will choose You over the temptation to desire anything apart from You.

tonight, i, eric shi, will choose to say YES to Jesus. i will choose to die to myself. tonight i will choose to renew my mind according to the Spirit, and to be transformed by Your love. 

at the end of the day, whom do i have but You? 
how can i refuse Your kindness, Your steadfast love?

springs of life

i never knew what i was getting myself into the moment i said yes to Him. i realized i'm not responsible for the journey i take when i follow Him with all my heart. i realized i'm powerless to make things end up the way i want it. the moment i set my heart to be a lover of Jesus, He's been the one leading me on. the rest is His story

we sometimes come to the unconscious assumption that trusting Jesus leads to a problem-free life. as if Jesus was the means to a more joyful, happy life.
"just trust Jesus and you will get that _______ (house, relationship, job) you always wanted!"
"just trust Jesus and life will be perfect and peachy!"
"just trust Jesus and you will live that life you always wanted, happily ever after"

Jesus is not a means to an end, He is my end.
all my fountains are in Him.

the call to trust Jesus is a call to die. the journey to the cross is a call to crucify yourself and watch your old self, old habits, old mindsets, old sinful temptations die.

it is a journey of pain--the purging of the "lesser" desires in your heart which do not last until you are left desiring nothing but more of Him.

it is a call to pick up your cross and do whatever it takes to follow Him. it is a call to bleed just as much as it is a call to receive blessing. true love, joy, peace, and happiness of a life in Him comes with the letting go of everything that does not last.

and He will lead me to springs of life

rantings on surrender

like all human beings, i have been created to desire security. whether it's in the area of secure relationships (knowing that i am loved) or a secure future (knowing the next step in life, a secure job etc.), stability gives me peace.

the prayer for God to shake everything that can be shaken is a prayer that shouldn't be taken lightly. it's a prayer that comes from a desire to be shaken from any false security only to be rooted and grounded in Love. the journey of surrender is one where God takes everything that i find security in (relationships, a secure job, etc.) and removes them to show me that ultimate security is found in His character and His leadership alone.

~~~

the prayer to know "God's will for my future" is a popular one. as i look deeper, the desire to know "God's will for my future" actually stems from a desire for security.

i realize my desire for a secure and well planned out future is another way of saying i don't trust God's perfect leadership. in other words, my desire for a neatly-packaged and planned out future is another way of saying i desire something else other than having full trust and surrender to Jesus. as i sit and beat my head and wrestle with God for a clear sense of life direction (just give me a sign, God!), i realize 2 things:
1) He just might never give me that "sign" or "burning bush" experience that we all look for.
2) my desire to know "God's will for my future" is actually a scapegoat, an act of faithlessness, and an indicator that i'm not willing to trust in the moment-by-moment leadership of Holy Spirit--not for now, tomorrow, or the years to come.

~~~~

when asked about seeking clarity from God, mother teresa responded:
“Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

i realized that where there is clarity, i no longer need to depend on the Spirit. when i feel "secure" about my life direction, it becomes easy to go about life independent of the Spirit, and i reach a place where it becomes easy to no longer need the leadership of God in my life. so today i've decided that instead of always waiting for a clear answer for my future (God is not a fortune teller), i will wait upon the LORD--and trust in the perfect leadership of Holy Spirit.

from now on, i think i will be okay if i never will be able to know fully "God's will for my future". heck, that takes all the fun Spirit-led experiences out of life. all i need is the moment-by-moment trust in the leadership of Holy Spirit. and that is more than enough for me. so instead of clinging to a "clear life direction", i'm gonna cling to Holy Spirit. such is the cultivation of dependency and surrender to the Spirit.

i love you, Holy Spirit. Your leadership is perfect.

surrender '10

surrender

and the journey of a surrendered soul continues. it's been a process of finding joy in the letting go, where He has asked me to exchange all my short-lived, temporary expectations for His perfect leadership. it's a place where i have learned to let go of everything, as i watch as the waves of His mercy destroy the castles of sand (my own plans for this life) which i've unconsciously built. as i'm swept under the waves of His mercy, His jealous love purges all my hopes and desires put in anything but Him. in this place of desperation, i scramble quickly, and cry out to my only Constant. in His kindness, not only does He come, but He gives me a chance to set my feet on the Rock--my firm foundation, to which i cling to this day.

the purging process is one that leaves me with no agenda and no expectations. a purged soul is one that knows nothing but the thoughts and desires of the indwelling presence of His Spirit. a renewed mind leads to a transformed heart--it is a place where i know nothing but the good, pleasing and perfect will of a good Abba (rom 12:2). here, there is life and peace (rom 8:5). in this rare state of my heart, i can finally scream with all my heart, "all my fountains are in You! my hope is in You alone!"

such are the beginnings of a soul surrendered to the Spirit. it has brought me to a place where i've learned to come into complete agreement with every step He leads me. it's a journey of praise--praising Him for every door He opens as well as every door He closes. because He is a good good Father.

~~~

⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 corinthians 12:9-10

the pursuit of true joy requires a tearing of the heart. i asked, and He gave. a torn heart is a vulnerable one. a season of weakness tenderizes the heart where i have nowhere to run but into His arms. a tenderized heart postures me in a position to receive from Him, where my Spirit is vulnerable, yet sensitive to each word He is saying to me. each word now pierces the heart in an instant, whereas a for a dull spirit it can take days. a weak heart is a place where i can scream wholeheartedly, "Jesus, You're all i want, You're all i need!"

most people dread seasons of weakness. yet i've finally learned to enjoy them. in fact, i've learned to look forward to them as i anticipate the depths He could take me this time. as i reflect on the past, seasons of weakness have been seasons of desperation. they are the seasons where i have nothing else to hold on to but Him. these are the seasons where the heartfelt cries of psalm 73 become mine: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you."

these seasons are rare. but i treasure them deeply. thank You LORD!
You never stop, never stop loving me.

the choice is yours

the pursuit of holiness (or the pursuit of righteousness, whatever you call it) is achieved in 2 ways, both of which require a very basic sunday school concept: obedience to Jesus.

on one hand we have obedience fueled by religious duty. duty implies obligation, a responsibility, work, a job. here, our heart is always reaching, always struggling, always striving, always trying harder. we rely on our own willpower as we believe that by taming our spirit to just "do the right thing", we will be successful, and hopefully, obtain perfection, a self-ordained version of righteousness, a "christian nirvana". we constantly find ourselves doubting if we will ever be good enough, and we wonder if we are really worth as much as He says we are. and always, lurking in the back dark corner is the fear of failure.

on the other hand we have obedience fueled by a love relationship of encounter. here we stand in confidence in the place of grace, where obedience comes from an overflow out of the abundance of the heart. here, obedience comes from a heart response, a form of worship because these days it seems like worship is the only appropriate response after encountering the face of Love. obedience becomes a dance, as the steps of our heart flow in sync with the movements of His, as our heart is swept away by the goodness of His every move.

it's amazing how the same goal can have such differing ways of reaching it. both operate from a genuine heart that desires nothing but true relationship with Jesus. however, one kills the spirit, and we reach a place where the journey has become too hard, and we just can't go on anymore.

the other, you His son, His daughter.
life does not get any better than this.

show me Your glory

i live to know His love.
i live to know Him--His character, His emotions, feelings, and thoughts. at any moment in the day, i want to be aware of His manifest presence as tangibly as the wind on my face, the sun on my skin.

a tenderized heart is one that does whatever it takes to know Him. it is one that does not settle. it is one that longs to read the Word only to be moved to tears. anything short of that would not suffice.
a tenderized heart is a john 17:3 commitment to know God. it is one that fears a dull spirit and a lukewarm heart.

~~~

confession: since the beginning of summer, i've had a nagging desire to be taken up into the throne room! yes, a revelation 4 encounter, just to get a glimpse of the beauty of the One who sits on the throne. oh, just a glimpse please?
yes, quite the random but it keeps coming back to me. i'll keep asking!

God said to Moses, "climb higher up the mountain and wait there for me; I'll give you tablets of stone, the teachings and commandments." exodus 24

yes, in order to meet God i must constantly climb higher, in order to hear His voice, i must learn to wait more. He's been kind in giving me an insatiable desire to escape and be with Him. oftentimes it makes me doubt if i'm being antisocial or a loner. today i'm learning it's just the way He made me, and He's given me these desires for a reason. i'll choose to be obedient to them.

in today's society, being alone has been given a negative connotation. solitude has become paired with a lonely, depressed, emo, loner, leave-me-alone/i want to kill myself type of mindset. we have become fearful of being alone so we pack our lives with busy-ness and we no longer have time for His presence. we have become too busy for His presence. such tragedy!

today, i will choose solitude. no, not the loner type of solitude, but the type where i can be alone to fellowship with Him. a place where the things of this world--responsibilities, other relationships can fade away, where i shift my mind from the things of this world to things of the Spirit, where i can position myself and feed upon His Word, and my heart is ready to encounter Him. glory.

here, i wait.
here, i am transformed from glory to glory.
here i am, LORD
show me your glory.

this is my confidence

the spirit of performance/religious spirit/orphan spirit is one that keeps on telling me that God isn't pleased with me, that i've missed the mark or that i'm doing something wrong, preventing me from boldly standing before Him. it is a place of insecurity, one that keeps telling me that i have to be doing more, strive harder, pray harder, to pursue holiness harder, to trust more, to grasp on to every spiritual truth on the knowledge of God (how it slips through my fingers!), and it leaves me in a place thinking i am just never good enough. and as i drown in my weakness i lose all sense of my self worth, and i feel like a failure. woe is me! =(

the concept of amazing grace is one that i've just scratched the surface of. the journey of understanding the free gift of grace is a long one because the grace of Jesus is another one of those upside down kingdom truths--one that clashes with how my human heart naturally understands love and acceptance. (really? i don't have to do anything to earn love?)

besides the forgiveness of my sins (mercy), amazing grace brings me into a position of confidence. it is a place where i am completely righteous not because of what i do but because what He did, in making a way for me to enter into the holy place. with this posture of confidence, i receive the spirit of adoption, and i enter into my identity as His son. as His son, i can run to Him amidst drowning my immature love, my inability to trust, the ease by which i forget His truths, and to know that Abba Father enjoys me just as i am.

in this place, there is no striving.

here, i can walk with my chin up because i know who i am and i know who i belong to.

the enemy loves to take away my confidence. confidence means that i am filled with desire. it means i can run boldly, freely to His throne and embrace Him, because i have faith. i'm realizing my confidence can't rely on how i'm feeling, or what comes to my mind at the moment, because the default will be the lies of the enemy, that i'm not loved, not worthy, nor do i deserve Him because i've fallen so short in my humanness.

the reality of amazing grace, just like any truth i learn or read, isn't a truth i can just blog about or highlight in my bible and store into the deep abyss of my mind. rather, truth becomes alive only when i can use it in my dialogue with Him and it when it becomes something so engrained in my thoughts that my heart beats to it. such transformation, or the renewing of the mind (romans 12:2) is possible only as i fill my mind with truth and i thank Him and talk to Him about it. here, a paradigm shift brings about a revelation of the beautiful inheritance i always had, yet had failed to realize: the free gift of righteousness. it's a remarkable thing, to realize that freedom comes with the small (yet extremely difficult) way my mind thinks. such is the beauty of the spirit of revelation. thank You Holy Spirit!

oh the riches of a confident spirit i have yet to discover.