my biggest fears

(yay for late night rants!)

it's a scary thing, to finally be able to sit and be still, only to realize that it's been so long;
so long that you've forgotten the face that you were created to gaze upon.

it's a scary thing, to sit and be still, only to realize that you've forgotten who He is;
you don't even know who you are waiting for.

it's a scary thing, to become bored, restless, after spending just a minute in silence with Him;
you no longer can enjoy just being with Him.

it's a scary thing, to have time set out to talk to Him;
only to realize you have nothing to talk about. you don't even want to be here with Him.

it's a scary thing, to be unmoved when you meditate upon His love;
is Your love really better than life?

tonight, i recommit my vow to never reach these places.

i will cling on to You and never ever let go.

thanks, justin

oh the peace,
of pure abandon

oh the joy,
of sweet surrender

cause if i try and save my life i will lose it
but if i lose my life for Your sake i'll find it in the end

this is true life:
give it all away

~~~

happy holiness
joyful righteousness

life,
is found
in the letting go,

true joy,
is found
in the tearing of the heart

thanks, Abba

when you're not really sure what's going on,
when you're wondering if you are on the right track,
when you question if you're doing well,
He kindly reminds you that He's still here with you.

surely goodness and mercy will cover me,
all the days of my life.

surely i'm going to dwell in the house of the LORD,
forevermore.

no more words necessary

this is my confidence

the spirit of performance/religious spirit/orphan spirit is one that keeps on telling me that God isn't pleased with me, that i've missed the mark or that i'm doing something wrong, preventing me from boldly standing before Him. it is a place of insecurity, one that keeps telling me that i have to be doing more, strive harder, pray harder, to pursue holiness harder, to trust more, to grasp on to every spiritual truth on the knowledge of God (how it slips through my fingers!), and it leaves me in a place thinking i am just never good enough. and as i drown in my weakness i lose all sense of my self worth, and i feel like a failure. woe is me! =(

the concept of amazing grace is one that i've just scratched the surface of. the journey of understanding the free gift of grace is a long one because the grace of Jesus is another one of those upside down kingdom truths--one that clashes with how my human heart naturally understands love and acceptance. (really? i don't have to do anything to earn love?)

besides the forgiveness of my sins (mercy), amazing grace brings me into a position of confidence. it is a place where i am completely righteous not because of what i do but because what He did, in making a way for me to enter into the holy place. with this posture of confidence, i receive the spirit of adoption, and i enter into my identity as His son. as His son, i can run to Him amidst drowning my immature love, my inability to trust, the ease by which i forget His truths, and to know that Abba Father enjoys me just as i am.

in this place, there is no striving.

here, i can walk with my chin up because i know who i am and i know who i belong to.

the enemy loves to take away my confidence. confidence means that i am filled with desire. it means i can run boldly, freely to His throne and embrace Him, because i have faith. i'm realizing my confidence can't rely on how i'm feeling, or what comes to my mind at the moment, because the default will be the lies of the enemy, that i'm not loved, not worthy, nor do i deserve Him because i've fallen so short in my humanness.

the reality of amazing grace, just like any truth i learn or read, isn't a truth i can just blog about or highlight in my bible and store into the deep abyss of my mind. rather, truth becomes alive only when i can use it in my dialogue with Him and it when it becomes something so engrained in my thoughts that my heart beats to it. such transformation, or the renewing of the mind (romans 12:2) is possible only as i fill my mind with truth and i thank Him and talk to Him about it. here, a paradigm shift brings about a revelation of the beautiful inheritance i always had, yet had failed to realize: the free gift of righteousness. it's a remarkable thing, to realize that freedom comes with the small (yet extremely difficult) way my mind thinks. such is the beauty of the spirit of revelation. thank You Holy Spirit!

oh the riches of a confident spirit i have yet to discover.

hand

the mind is...scattered. unsettled. anxious. plans are...non-existent, up in the air. it's hard to sit and be still as the fear of the unknown, of not knowing the immediate next step leaves me trying to grasp the air for something, anything to cling on to, any tangible sense of direction, even for a moment of security. yet, security will not be found until i come to the revelation that security comes with whole-hearted surrender to the One who brings ultimate security. and knowledge of the unknown does not happen until i know the One who holds my life in the palm of His hands.

a season of transition is a season of the unknown. it is a season of wandering around in the dark with no sense of direction as i strain my ear to hear even the slightest sound of Your voice which gives me direction. and when i do hear Your voice ten million other voices come and fill me with doubt that i've heard correctly.

Abba, where are You leading me?

You are my refuge, the shelter to which i run into.
You are the steadfast Love to which i cling, my only constant.
You are the one whom i have set at my right hand. i will not be shaken.
You are my rock, my fortress. the stronghold of my life; whom shall i fear?
You are my Good Shepherd. and You will lead me into a place that is safe and secure.
i recite Truth over myself again and again.

~~~

eric, come. take My hand.
i will lead you beside still waters.

i will cling on to You. and never let go.

gaze '10

the glance.

how i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met, yet how easily i forget the moment i look away!

the glance.

eyes skirt to and fro, from the fear of man to the spirit of performance, of doing more, of earning love, back briefly into His eyes where i can come before Him as Hephzibah.

eyes then return back to the fear of the future and where i lose all security in His perfect leadership over my life and then they glance back into the One who leads me beside still waters.

the glance.

here, romance is short-lived and intimacy is lost.

here, devotion is fleeting.

here, peace is temporary.

here, i forget who i am and to who i belong to, and i find myself living as a beggar, someone less than a son of the King Most High, clothed in righteousness.

though it has the ability to ravish the very heart of God, i have refused to settle for a glance. i have set my heart to turn my glance into a gaze and to gaze upon Beauty for all of eternity.

the gaze.

i'm realizing a steady gaze is just impossible. impossible on my own strength, it's made possible only by the fullness of grace--when my heart collides with His and i encounter the face of Love.

the posturing of my heart to encounter Love has been hard. without posturing my heart, i don't encounter Him; when i don't encounter Him, i lose my inner groanings, the heart cry for moment by moment fellowship with Holy Spirit, to dialogue with Him, to know what He is thinking, what He is feeling. when i lose that, i lose Him, and i might as well die.

help me, Jesus

son,

look into My eyes right now. never look away.

My eyes are upon you. they have always been.

you're My son, in whom I am well pleased.

you're doing well, eric. you're doing really well.

lock your eyes with Mine

where you lead me LORD, i will follow

where you lead me LORD, i will go

eric, do you know where I am leading you?

umm no, sorry. where'd You go? i think i lost focus of You. i was too busy thinking to myself, making my own plans.

then watch Me lead

stop looking elsewhere

and lock your eyes with Mine.

~~~

no plans,

no expectations,

just wholehearted abandonment.

i'm gonna stop trying to gain control, i'm tired of it.

You can have control.

i'm finally letting go

who knows where i'll be tomorrow? a month? a year?

Your leadership is perfect.

sigh, how good it is to not know for once, and to let go!

here, your Spirit is reunited with me.

here, it is safe.

here, i am secure.

here, i find peace.

such is the beauty of surrender.

so this is what You meant by the surrendering of my soul