it's one of those nights

where my heart aches. it doesn't know exactly what it wants, but it senses that something is near. it doesn't happen too often, but when it does, i jump on the opportunity to see what He wants to do. it's a moment of grace, an open heaven moment, to hit the pause button in the midst of a blur of a season, to sit and open up a weary, thirsty heart. though i haven't been feeling Him much, haven't been hearing much, tonight, this was just what i needed. it's hard to describe the feeling when the indwelt longing put inside me just wants to reach out and encounter the fullness of the One who put it there in the first place. yes, it's almost like i want to scream. scream because tonight, i'd rather die than never encounter whatever it is that my heart is screaming for. tonight, i'd rather die than live a lukewarm life. tonight, i'd rather die than live another day without having this longing met, just for a little while. so i'll sit here, and let You love me. i'll finally let You love me. i know i've been here before, but i'll open up this cold cold heart of mine and stop trying so hard. i'll stop. i'm stopping everything to finally let You love me. i'll wait, i'll wait the rest of my life if i have to, i'll wait even if other people think i'm crazy, too intense, i'll do anything. i'll do anything to have You. i'll wait because i know that You are worth it. 

⁹ How is your beloved better than others,
   most beautiful of women?
How is your beloved better than others,
   that you so charge us?

 ¹⁰ My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
   outstanding among ten thousand.

SOS 5:9-10

breathe

like a breath of fresh air


my cry remains the same. i want more of you, God

thankful 2011

Abba father, this year i thank you for,
1) the prayer room webstream. thank you for the faithful ones at IHOP who cry out to you day and night. thank you for the way they bring me straight to your heart on good days and bad days. thank you for their reminder that you are the same, and unchanging, and your love never ends.
2) my family: dad, for working so hard in china all by himself, so that i will never be in need. mom, for her love for the Lord. for each prayer she prays for me every morning. for the way she teaches me humility and perseverance, and the joy of the Lord. brother and sister, for their support and laughter.

3)Your blood spilled at the cross. your blood speaks a better word. your blood washes me white as snow. your blood that made a way for me to enter into the most holy place, your blood that made a way for me to approach the throne of grace with confidence knowing that You will always be waiting there with arms wide open, regardless of what i have done.
4) Your strong love. your love that is stronger than my sin, my shame, and weaknesses. your love that reaches for me when i don't feel like reaching anymore. your love that never changes even in this new season.
5) the book of psalms. thank you for david's passion, hunger, and raw honesty in his expression of love towards you.
6) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. thank you for Your whispers on mornings i don't want to get up, and all the conversations with me in the car.
7) a new church community at VOH. brothers and sisters to fellowship with. send your fire God!
8) friends from SD that i can still keep in touch with. you know who you are!
9) the privilege of (more) education. the privilege of studying. the privilege that you've called me to pursue medicine only so that you may be glorified. oh that i may be found ready and willing.
10) good grades at westernU. for keeping me above average, and for a good friend to keep me motivated to study 15 hours each day.
11) the shiau family. thank you for a great family to love me and welcome me, to cook me good food, and to let me come over to study and hang out with their daughter.
12) this girl. thank you Father for blessing me with the most beautiful, supportive, and loving girl to partner with me in this season (and for more to come!). help us to love you rightly together, that we would be faithful and obedient with the talents You've given us.

when i heard Your voice

You have said, "seek my face."
my heart says to you,
Your face, LORD, do i seek.

a good day

there are some mornings where i wake up and a very nasty feeling comes welling up inside. it doesn't help that it's 5 or 6 in the morning and the sun doesn't come up for a couple of hours. it's a flood of emotions-mostly hopelessness to be honest, as i can't but help but stop and wonder when will this all end? this never-ending cycle of work, study, and more work? what am i working towards? i'm not a machine designed to do nothing but study my brains out. but for med school, that's all that anyone cares about. that's all that determines your ability to succeed--how well you perform on that next test. apart from that, you're worth nothing. you're worth nothing to your professors and you're worth nothing to the person next to you. they're too busy trying to get ahead of you anyways.
i need you Holy Spirit. i'm not a study-machine. i was made to love. to love You and to love others. why has today's society deviated so far from these two simple truths?

i heard that med school was like martyrdom haha. true, but then again, our entire life should be an act of martyrdom. to die to yourself to live for Christ. to set aside all my comforts and my desires for the sake of living for Someone greater than myself. to set aside my self-serving ambitions and dreams to partner with the One who's dream for you is the only one that matters.

i need you Holy Spirit. more than yesterday. i need You to get through today, and i'll need you even more tomorrow. this is my worship. to set aside all things and look upon the One who has set out the path before me. You're with me, so it's going to be a good day.

Your love is strong

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. SOS 8:6


create in me a pure heart, God. renew a steadfast spirit within me. cause me to burn for You. You deserve so much more than this. i still am the one made for one thing, to love You. 
God, it's been hard. school has made it hard. it's been harder to see You, harder to hear You, but i know You're here. You know if i had things my way i'd just make it all disappear right now and it'd be just me and You.
but that would make it too easy. You have bigger plans for me. You want me to walk with You, to talk with You. You want me to be light. but i'm scared, God. the world is a dark place. 


let's survive this together. Your eyes are irresistible, Your mercy unending. Your love is strong. i'm holding on.

for Your glory

ah, where to begin? med school has been a journey.
i'm realizing that life apart from God is an endless journey. a life apart from God is a never-ending cycle of study, work, and stress. it's like finally reaching the top of that hill, only to realize that you have another mountain to climb. unfortunately, that's what life sometimes feels like these days (thank God for jo). which is why i've become ever so grateful of the plain and simple reality that Jesus is my destination, right here right now. Jesus Christ, the hope of glory, is what my life comes down to. i live today to touch His heart and for Him to touch mine. i live tomorrow to take one look upon His face and have the world disappear. i live my life to know that He is here with me right now. apart from that a day has no significance, no matter what i do. i live to bring Him glory, and for Him to be glorified in all that i do.

living in pomona has definitely popped my nice, big and round like-minded UCSD (mostly) asian christian bubble. it's definitely not easy, but then again, i'm reminded that it's never about me. the people here need Jesus. the homeless guy down the street needs Jesus, badly. and being here has caused me to need Him more. could i ask for more?

put me anywhere,
just put Your glory in me.