here i go again.
a few weeks of intense busy-ness of life. people to appreciate, relationships to invest in, communities to build, year-end closure junks, people to love. it takes alot of time, effort, and energy. and it is draining. people drain me. which proves that i am not a ENFJ as myers-briggs tells me. who does she think she is anyways, she doesn't even know me. no wait. maybe it's a he. whatevers. haha it's just a dumb old test anyways.
i think family is the only place where i can really take refuge in or maybe one other. heh.
and it's during these draining times that the Lord gets pushed away. BOOSIES. it's just hard, really, for my mind, my thoughts, my spirit to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and God's presence throughout the day when i'm always surrounded by people, by appointment times, by wondering who i should meet up with for lunch, a PACKED schedule with zero down time, all this while i feel physically TIRED cause i don't listen to the mother and get my 8 hours of sleep.
and school. heh it feels like i've been on autopilot for school. go to class, take notes, daydream, take a nap, leave.
these last few weeks of school feel a lot similar to the first few weeks. these last few weeks of school remind me of the hectic-ness of zero week, of frosh retreat, of the busy-ness of people, meeting up with people, and more people. and how when i look back on those weeks, how i missed Jesus during those times.
QUESTION OF THE YEAR: how the hecks do i have intimacy with Jesus and at the same time love, that is, deep relationships with what seems like 2394 people? balance. a form of worship i have yet to perfect.
what is this cycle? it's during these times where my introverted-ness kicks in and i really need to do more more MORE waiting upon God. but waiting upon God takes time. and time i do not have.
and now we begin. finals week. camping day after day in the study lounge. oh the study lounge. how i do not miss thee. the cold draft of JK wood is no bueno. and what the hecks is up with this weather man? it's okay praise the Lord for bum weather too! hopefully i can find Jesus in my hours of sitting on my buttocks and memorizing reactions.
i still need to run. that's definitely where i find Jesus. and now i've upgraded to try something new: listening to sermons every once in a while as i run! we will see if that is a good idea. but anyways i will continue to run after God's heart to obtain the prize that is to come to heaven one day and see Jesus face to face and have Him tell me, well done, Eric, you have loved me with all your heart, soul strength, and mind your entire life. it's gonna be so worth it. i only get 1 life to seek Jesus. and i'm gonna do whatever it takes to love Him with all that i gots. i gotta get it right.
and yes. seeking after the presence of God. wanting more. cause there always is more. and when we seek and still don't get more we continue to persevere to seek more. what an abstract concept. but that is Jesus. cause if seeking God was always as easy as asking for an instantaneous sign (which does occur alot don't get me wrong) then it would really give Jesus less value. but when we do seek we find, and when we find, it is more beautiful than we could've ever imagined.
and just fyi from personal experience: the longer we seek the more beautiful Jesus is at end and it is all SO WORTH IT.
okay now this is getting really random.
eternity. try spending a few minutes comprehening it for a little. my mind does cartwheels everytime i think about it haha. i thought about it the other day. it's when life gets so hectic and we get focused with the little things of life i forget about eternity. and that life is much more than time here on earth. and much more than getting bummed over a silly conflict or when something goes wrong. cause it's really not the end of the world. and there are only two things in life that are eternal: Jesus and people. so there's really no point in spending your time investing in anything else in life. so make sure to do a bit of investing in Jesus and people in your life okay?
and the ochem book does not want to be opened.
my heart and flesh cry out
for you the living God
your Spirit's water to my soul
i've tasted and i've seen
come once again to me
i will draw near to you
i will draw near to you
5.30.2009
5.25.2009
life calling
one simple question:
God, what am i gonna do with my life?
what are my giftings, my passions, my life calling?
shoot.
i just want to lose my life. to gain life.
to love You and be obedient to whatever you call me into.
Jesus, reveal it to me please, as i seek Your face.
God, what am i gonna do with my life?
what are my giftings, my passions, my life calling?
shoot.
i just want to lose my life. to gain life.
to love You and be obedient to whatever you call me into.
Jesus, reveal it to me please, as i seek Your face.
5.17.2009
eph. 3:16-19
God, i pray out of Your glorious riches, may You
strengthen me with power through Your Spirit in my inner man,
so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith.
and i pray that being rooted and established in love, i may have power,
to grasp how wide
and long
and high
and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge--
that I may be filled to the measure of the all the fullness of God.
nothing less, God.
come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart
strengthen me with power through Your Spirit in my inner man,
so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith.
and i pray that being rooted and established in love, i may have power,
to grasp how wide
and long
and high
and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge--
that I may be filled to the measure of the all the fullness of God.
nothing less, God.
come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart
5.14.2009
intimacy with jesus
is a hot topic of life these days. well maybe only for me. haha
with all this talk about God's presence and revival and being filled with the Holy Spirit and breakthrough i can get really confused sometimes. and confused what really is important in my relationship with Jesus. when it's all said and done, what does revival, the presence of God, and breakthrough mean for me and for those around me? why does it mean more to some people than others? ahhhhh
come on. this is the real deal here! this is so much more than about a really good sermon, or a really spiritually exciting message to stir in us a spiritual/emotional high that lasts a few moments. this isn't about another commitment we make with God to do more quiet time or read the bible more or to pray more. this isn't another conviction, a realization of how far we feel from God, and something that we should go get prayer for and get on with life. this isn't about another promise we make with ourselves or with God about how we will do whatever it takes to be a better christian. it's not about going to church more, to go to bible studies more, to read the bible more, to serve more, to do more devotionals so we can get right with God. it isn't about being more christian and doing more christian things. it's not about religion.
I AM SO SICK OF RELIGION. been there. done that. i still fail and get caught up in it sometimes.
but come on. it is about one thing. how much do you really love Jesus? no but really.
gahhhh i don't know where i'm going with this.
it's hard to love Jesus unless we know who He is. it's hard to love someone we can't see or feel. it's especially hard to love to love someone we don't feel love back from. it makes a lot of sense. if we don't experience God, why would we waste our time with something we don't see or feel or know even exists? of course we'd rather be watching TV cause we can see it and hear it and it makes us happy. or go find a boyfriend/girlfriend cause we can hear them tell us how much they love us and they can hug us and all that lovey dovey stuff.
which is why it's so easy to lose faith. no duh. we get really discouraged because we don't experience God's love for us. we don't experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy in our daily lives. and we get really discouraged. we don't hear Him tell us how much He loves us. so we give up. which is why it's so easy to turn to other things. cause we don't experience God enough!
which is why intimacy with Jesus soo important to me. cause intimacy with Jesus enables me to experience God every moment of my life. intimacy with Jesus allows me to be filled with His presence daily. i value intimacy with Jesus because i know that when i get up each morning and pray and wait upon His presence, I experience Him! i experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy, and His love for me. it fills me up and it gives me a reason to love Him back. to live each day for one thing Jesus.
and once i experience Jesus, i begin to hunger for more. a thirst that wants nothing else but to know Jesus and who He is. to know Him not only in my HEAD but with all my HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH, AND MIND. to do whatever it takes in my life until my heart is fully connected and resonating with every heartbeat of Jesus. i begin to yearn, moan and groan for His presence in my life for the Holy Spirit and i begin to long for a fuller experience of what the love of Jesus really means. it's to the point where i pretty much get addicted to God and if i don't seek out His presence for a while i experience God withdrawal haha and i feel like something isn't right.
intimacy with Jesus. so profound, yet so abstract. so intangible, but so real. so surreal yet so concrete. so simple yet so complicated.
i can't describe what it is like in words. i think i can try but words do no capture the presence of Jesus. head knowledge about what the presence of Jesus is like can never even begin to come close to describing Him. it's like trying to describe disneyland to someone who has never been there before. we can tell them how fun it is, about all the rides, and about the mickey mouse and the whole crew and all that junks but to someone who has never been there, it is just words. one has to EXPERIENCE IT. that's it! we have to experience God to truly know how much He loves us.
which is why we need love encounters. cause once we encounter the love of God we are never the same. we are never the same once we have encountered the love of God.
we need to taste the goodness of God.
taste and see that the Lord is good.
-psalm 34:8
we have to begin somewhere. simply put it is just spending time with Jesus. to open our hearts to experience Him. to look Him in the eye for more than 30 seconds and not be weirded out or distracted. haha dude i never thought it was so hard to look at someone else in the eye for more than 30 seconds.
but that's what Jesus longs for. He freaking created the bajillion cells in our body, all the mitochondria and fatty acids and glucose and junks and yet i still don't have enough time to look at His face and enjoy His love for me. to gaze upon the face that loves me more than i could ever begin to imagine, even given eternity.
relationship with Jesus begins with one thing.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
psalm 27:4
COME ON. i need to get it right. we need to get it right.
intimacy with Jesus or bust. haha jkay. not really. sorta.
with all this talk about God's presence and revival and being filled with the Holy Spirit and breakthrough i can get really confused sometimes. and confused what really is important in my relationship with Jesus. when it's all said and done, what does revival, the presence of God, and breakthrough mean for me and for those around me? why does it mean more to some people than others? ahhhhh
come on. this is the real deal here! this is so much more than about a really good sermon, or a really spiritually exciting message to stir in us a spiritual/emotional high that lasts a few moments. this isn't about another commitment we make with God to do more quiet time or read the bible more or to pray more. this isn't another conviction, a realization of how far we feel from God, and something that we should go get prayer for and get on with life. this isn't about another promise we make with ourselves or with God about how we will do whatever it takes to be a better christian. it's not about going to church more, to go to bible studies more, to read the bible more, to serve more, to do more devotionals so we can get right with God. it isn't about being more christian and doing more christian things. it's not about religion.
I AM SO SICK OF RELIGION. been there. done that. i still fail and get caught up in it sometimes.
but come on. it is about one thing. how much do you really love Jesus? no but really.
gahhhh i don't know where i'm going with this.
it's hard to love Jesus unless we know who He is. it's hard to love someone we can't see or feel. it's especially hard to love to love someone we don't feel love back from. it makes a lot of sense. if we don't experience God, why would we waste our time with something we don't see or feel or know even exists? of course we'd rather be watching TV cause we can see it and hear it and it makes us happy. or go find a boyfriend/girlfriend cause we can hear them tell us how much they love us and they can hug us and all that lovey dovey stuff.
which is why it's so easy to lose faith. no duh. we get really discouraged because we don't experience God's love for us. we don't experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy in our daily lives. and we get really discouraged. we don't hear Him tell us how much He loves us. so we give up. which is why it's so easy to turn to other things. cause we don't experience God enough!
which is why intimacy with Jesus soo important to me. cause intimacy with Jesus enables me to experience God every moment of my life. intimacy with Jesus allows me to be filled with His presence daily. i value intimacy with Jesus because i know that when i get up each morning and pray and wait upon His presence, I experience Him! i experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy, and His love for me. it fills me up and it gives me a reason to love Him back. to live each day for one thing Jesus.
and once i experience Jesus, i begin to hunger for more. a thirst that wants nothing else but to know Jesus and who He is. to know Him not only in my HEAD but with all my HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH, AND MIND. to do whatever it takes in my life until my heart is fully connected and resonating with every heartbeat of Jesus. i begin to yearn, moan and groan for His presence in my life for the Holy Spirit and i begin to long for a fuller experience of what the love of Jesus really means. it's to the point where i pretty much get addicted to God and if i don't seek out His presence for a while i experience God withdrawal haha and i feel like something isn't right.
intimacy with Jesus. so profound, yet so abstract. so intangible, but so real. so surreal yet so concrete. so simple yet so complicated.
i can't describe what it is like in words. i think i can try but words do no capture the presence of Jesus. head knowledge about what the presence of Jesus is like can never even begin to come close to describing Him. it's like trying to describe disneyland to someone who has never been there before. we can tell them how fun it is, about all the rides, and about the mickey mouse and the whole crew and all that junks but to someone who has never been there, it is just words. one has to EXPERIENCE IT. that's it! we have to experience God to truly know how much He loves us.
which is why we need love encounters. cause once we encounter the love of God we are never the same. we are never the same once we have encountered the love of God.
we need to taste the goodness of God.
taste and see that the Lord is good.
-psalm 34:8
we have to begin somewhere. simply put it is just spending time with Jesus. to open our hearts to experience Him. to look Him in the eye for more than 30 seconds and not be weirded out or distracted. haha dude i never thought it was so hard to look at someone else in the eye for more than 30 seconds.
but that's what Jesus longs for. He freaking created the bajillion cells in our body, all the mitochondria and fatty acids and glucose and junks and yet i still don't have enough time to look at His face and enjoy His love for me. to gaze upon the face that loves me more than i could ever begin to imagine, even given eternity.
relationship with Jesus begins with one thing.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
psalm 27:4
COME ON. i need to get it right. we need to get it right.
intimacy with Jesus or bust. haha jkay. not really. sorta.
5.03.2009
kingdom come
ahhhh. ryan's large group talk last week was the best.
i pray: this is just the beginning. there must be more.
confession: i'm a sucker when it comes to the word revival. like what the heck is revival anyways? (apparently any korean church praise night is called a revival haha) but anyways. yes. ever since hearing people like jaeson ma preach about revival and like Jesus doing crazy things on college campuses i got super excited. cause we are college people. and college people are crazy and radical. so therefore, college is where all crazy revolutions start. and we as college students have the potential to change the world cause we are the world's future.
and so hearing about revivals in the past like the the first great awakening or the azusa street revivals or the jesus people revival in the 70s, (or the lakeland revival a year ago hehe), i'm like well WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST SEND REVIVAL TO UCSD? heh. yepp. why not? i mean, why settle for your usual evangelism when people come to Jesus after a long process of growing them from skeptics-->seekers (WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE), why doesn't God just unleash like his glory and like open up the heavens with signs and wonders and radical healings and send revival fire across UCSD and like next thing you know everyone on library walk is on their knees worshipping Jesus. how glorious would that be?
so yes. i came to college with that in the back of my mind. i like to call it my radical Jesus side. it has been pushed aside for a while but my confession is that i still cling on to that in the back of my mind sometimes. dare to dream big eh? shoot. with Jesus, IF IT IS YOUR WILL, why not?
but i realized something. sure. revival can be all of the above, and all that really cool Jesus fireworks. but revival begins with ME. revival begins within my heart. shoot. dangit. that's a hard one. revival begins with me. a hunger for the presence of Jesus, a yearning for intimacy, intimacy with the Holy Spirit, a desperation to love radically, a heart that breaks for the lost like Jesus does, an urgency to reveal Jesus right here right now.
dangit. how can i pray for Jesus to send revival to UCSD when my heart is so hard that i have trouble even loving the lost freshmen in the dorms? how can i expect Jesus to do amazing things when even i am so reluctant at times even to walk a few steps into the dorms and share Jesus with those who need Him? JESUS BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS. HELP ME TO KNOW YOUR LOVE, YOUR JOY, YOUR PEACE, TO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR YOUR PRESENCE. revive me once again.
oh yes. and as with anything Jesus, revival especially in myself, begins with prayer! so pray pray pray! i'm on my knees God.
you'll come
let your glory fall
as you respond to us
spirit reign
flood into our thirsty hearts again.
oh yes. and what the heck is the presence of the Lord anyways? i mean it's only like the most crucial element to my faith in Jesus. hmmmm. well i'm no expert. but i do try to seek it out like every moment i am awake. and here's what i've got so far. let me know if you discover more.
for one, the presence of Jesus is not just a feeling. yes. oftentimes it is. i mean if movies can make us cry how much more can Jesus make us emotional and tear up a bit? or even feel a little bit peace? (yes Jesus can make you feel peace. amazing right?) and if amusement parks (and food) give us joy, how much more can Jesus give you joy? and yes. there is nothing wrong with emotions when experiencing the presence of Jesus cause i mean He created us with emotions.
and yes it was a feeling. it sure was for me especially when i first encountered the love of God. i would like weep uncontroablly for no reason at all and experience an insane unworldly peace in my heart that i knew was Jesus. a joy that i hoped could last forever. an ectsasy so purely Jesus that i resolved to do whatever it takes to seek out His presence and to have more of it. so beautiful. how i still long for those moments. how i still embrace those moments and hold them so near and dear to my heart. yes. it was those moments of a love encounter with God that has changed my life (like moses when he saw the burning bush) and ever since that moment i have not turned back. there is no turning back. those encounters are at times, what fuel my faith, my passion, my drive to hunger for God's presence, for the Holy Spirit.
but yes. the presence of Jesus is not just a feeling. if it was just that that would be like putting such a downer to all that Jesus is. limiting Him to feelings would not do justice. dude in fact, the presence of Jesus most of the times (as i'm beginning to understand), aren't feelings at all! rather. (and as coast/Jesus was pounding me with today), it is a stillness. a silence. a gentle whisper. a gentle, subtle peace. to wait upon His presence in absolute silence. that is what seeking his presence is all about.
in the quiet
in the stillness i know
that you are God
in the secret
of your presence
i know there i am restored
kingdom come
Jesus come
i pray: this is just the beginning. there must be more.
confession: i'm a sucker when it comes to the word revival. like what the heck is revival anyways? (apparently any korean church praise night is called a revival haha) but anyways. yes. ever since hearing people like jaeson ma preach about revival and like Jesus doing crazy things on college campuses i got super excited. cause we are college people. and college people are crazy and radical. so therefore, college is where all crazy revolutions start. and we as college students have the potential to change the world cause we are the world's future.
and so hearing about revivals in the past like the the first great awakening or the azusa street revivals or the jesus people revival in the 70s, (or the lakeland revival a year ago hehe), i'm like well WHY DOESN'T GOD JUST SEND REVIVAL TO UCSD? heh. yepp. why not? i mean, why settle for your usual evangelism when people come to Jesus after a long process of growing them from skeptics-->seekers (WHICH IS TOTALLY FINE), why doesn't God just unleash like his glory and like open up the heavens with signs and wonders and radical healings and send revival fire across UCSD and like next thing you know everyone on library walk is on their knees worshipping Jesus. how glorious would that be?
so yes. i came to college with that in the back of my mind. i like to call it my radical Jesus side. it has been pushed aside for a while but my confession is that i still cling on to that in the back of my mind sometimes. dare to dream big eh? shoot. with Jesus, IF IT IS YOUR WILL, why not?
but i realized something. sure. revival can be all of the above, and all that really cool Jesus fireworks. but revival begins with ME. revival begins within my heart. shoot. dangit. that's a hard one. revival begins with me. a hunger for the presence of Jesus, a yearning for intimacy, intimacy with the Holy Spirit, a desperation to love radically, a heart that breaks for the lost like Jesus does, an urgency to reveal Jesus right here right now.
dangit. how can i pray for Jesus to send revival to UCSD when my heart is so hard that i have trouble even loving the lost freshmen in the dorms? how can i expect Jesus to do amazing things when even i am so reluctant at times even to walk a few steps into the dorms and share Jesus with those who need Him? JESUS BREAK MY HEART FOR WHAT BREAKS YOURS. HELP ME TO KNOW YOUR LOVE, YOUR JOY, YOUR PEACE, TO HUNGER AND THIRST FOR YOUR PRESENCE. revive me once again.
oh yes. and as with anything Jesus, revival especially in myself, begins with prayer! so pray pray pray! i'm on my knees God.
you'll come
let your glory fall
as you respond to us
spirit reign
flood into our thirsty hearts again.
oh yes. and what the heck is the presence of the Lord anyways? i mean it's only like the most crucial element to my faith in Jesus. hmmmm. well i'm no expert. but i do try to seek it out like every moment i am awake. and here's what i've got so far. let me know if you discover more.
for one, the presence of Jesus is not just a feeling. yes. oftentimes it is. i mean if movies can make us cry how much more can Jesus make us emotional and tear up a bit? or even feel a little bit peace? (yes Jesus can make you feel peace. amazing right?) and if amusement parks (and food) give us joy, how much more can Jesus give you joy? and yes. there is nothing wrong with emotions when experiencing the presence of Jesus cause i mean He created us with emotions.
and yes it was a feeling. it sure was for me especially when i first encountered the love of God. i would like weep uncontroablly for no reason at all and experience an insane unworldly peace in my heart that i knew was Jesus. a joy that i hoped could last forever. an ectsasy so purely Jesus that i resolved to do whatever it takes to seek out His presence and to have more of it. so beautiful. how i still long for those moments. how i still embrace those moments and hold them so near and dear to my heart. yes. it was those moments of a love encounter with God that has changed my life (like moses when he saw the burning bush) and ever since that moment i have not turned back. there is no turning back. those encounters are at times, what fuel my faith, my passion, my drive to hunger for God's presence, for the Holy Spirit.
but yes. the presence of Jesus is not just a feeling. if it was just that that would be like putting such a downer to all that Jesus is. limiting Him to feelings would not do justice. dude in fact, the presence of Jesus most of the times (as i'm beginning to understand), aren't feelings at all! rather. (and as coast/Jesus was pounding me with today), it is a stillness. a silence. a gentle whisper. a gentle, subtle peace. to wait upon His presence in absolute silence. that is what seeking his presence is all about.
in the quiet
in the stillness i know
that you are God
in the secret
of your presence
i know there i am restored
kingdom come
Jesus come
4.27.2009
dangit i want to write on this more!
darn this quarter feels busy to the max to the point where i want to write on this but i never get the time to so i secretly keep a list of the things i want to talk about on my post-it note thingy application on my desktop, where i also keep like 5 other lists of self-notes which my sister makes fun of all the time. okay that's enough sharing of my secrets haha.
first concert ever last week. hillsong! was super cool. i mean how can you go wrong with hillsong and Jesus music? and melt-your-heart-voice-of-an-angel brooke fraser? (praise the Lord for her gift). but i realized i can't recieve too much during concert-worship. not too much Holy-Spirit Jesus work. i'd prefer IV worship band any day hehe.
i am super excited for dorm team next year. God totally blessed me with a super solid team. i can't wait to work with Michelle Eunice and Jordan. what a holy bunch. shoot. i couldn't have asked for anything better! and better yet, we all seem to really value intimacy with Jesus and prayer like alot. like as our number one value in our relationship with Jesus. wahoo!
recently, life is about two questions: 1) why the heck do i want to do dorm team again, and 2) what am i gonna do different next year?
the other day, i made a discovery about myself. i never really realized how much i value intimacy with Jesus. i thought that was like a given. i know my number one goal in life, above all else, is to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. to know His presence in my life. once i know His presence in my life, only then can i make His presence be known in the lives of others.
so, the question is, how does intimacy with Jesus play out in such an evangelism-oriented ministry like dorm team? i mean shoot. to be honest, if i really had life my way, i just want to spend my entire life sitting at Jesus' feet and loving on Him. and spend all my time getting to know His presence and drawing near to Him. i realized i'm sorta selfish in that way. that sometimes, i want Jesus all for myself, that I want to spend all my time with Jesus, praying and whatnot, and not make the effort to share Him with others. but, like andy said, we have all of eternity in heaven to enjoy Jesus! (that's not to say that we shouldn't spend time with Jesus now). Jesus put us on this earth for a reason. He put me on this campus for a reason. and i want to make the most of it. i want to make the most of my time and relationships in these 4 short years and have no regrets that I did my best in loving those around me during college. and after a year of dorm team, i have really come to realize what Jesus meant when He said, "the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". ahhhhhhh. there seems to be so much work here to do on this campus. so many lost sheep. and as i get intimate with Jesus i really begin to see His heart for the lost. and if Jesus' heart breaks for the lost, i pray that my heart would too.
and what will i do differently next year? hmm. we shall see. honestly, i don't know what to expect. i can't promise that i will be able to dorm as much as i am probably expected to. i know is that my heart is not naturally programmed to be super pumped about going into the dorms every single night. but what i do know is what i have to offer. i know that God has given me certain gifts and my passions that He has put into me. i know that I am willing to be stretched even more than i have been this year. i know that i will try my best to love the freshmen in the dorms the best that I can. i know that i will not be silent when given opportunities to share Jesus with freshmen.
okay another thing. i'm really reflecting on what i have learned this year. i'm not done yet but i have a few things.
i realized my life is about relationships. it is about a relationship with Jesus, and during my time on earth, my relationship with those around me. it is about embracing the moments of life, of my relationships. with God, i realized this year that i can get so caught up in a goal, in a vision, a drive that i must do something for God in order to please Him. there were moments when i realized that my drive to succeed, to have a good ministry was all that mattered to me. and when i look back there are many times where i realized that i failed. i realized that i couldn't do enough, that i just didn't do enough.
cause the last thing i wanted this year was mediocrity in my ministry and here i am like, God, i just want to change the world for you that's all, but in reality God does not need me to do anything. it isn't about what i can do for God, but what He already did for me. but yes. as i got caught up in ministry, there were moments i forgot about the good that God was doing in my life.
and oh yes, my season.
insert pseudo-journal entry that i wrote in an email:
during this season i really feel like God is reminding me of my identity, my calling, of who He created me to be, in relation to this year of ministry and all these cool things I have done for Jesus. during this season, i really feel like God is reminding me about where i find my significance, my value. yes, i know i find my value in God, but i realized i often found my value in how much i could do for God. yes, He called me to do ministry this year on dorm team but i found myself trying to please God, almost performance-driven cause i didn't want to settle for mediocrity. as i hit where i am now these few weeks, i really feel like God is asking only for one thing. that is my heart. God was reminding me about the relational aspect with Him, and not about having the best ministry, because He is well pleased with me, dorm team leader or not, as was God pleased with Jesus even before Jesus did any ministry.
i mean it's not like my heart wasn't into ministry. cause it was. but somewhere in the process i got ahead of myself and Jesus.
it hit me randomly one day. what i needed to hear the most during this season is that he loves me, the plain and simple verse that i almost overuse when i pray for others: "this is my son, whom i love, with him i am well pleased". it was something that i need to pray over myself. i wanted to hear Jesus tell me that He loves me
yes, i realized i had forgotten about my relationship that is Jesus. i had forgotten about my moments with Him. how good it was to wake up to be reminded of His nearness, His favor over me. how good it was to go through my daily routine of life to know His nearness, His presence in me. to have His peace that transcends all the busy-ness of life. how good it was to listen to a worship song and be brought to tears as it hit the very core of my heart.
yes life is about moments, moments in relationships with those around you. gahhhh this year is almost over. where did this year go? i need to begin embracing each and every moment.
like when you are studying really late at giesel at like 1am and you didn't eat dinner and you are really hungry and your good friend goes and buys you a whopper jr. and you eat it tastes like the best thing you have ever eaten in your life. and you are so thankful for your friend. beef, onion, ketchup, pickle, tomato, sesame bun goodness. heaven in your mouth. until it is gone in 3 bites :(
or like when you and your good buddee make sushi and even though it is super ghetto and janky and not legit cause you didn't use a sushi roller-thingy, you eat it together and it tastes soo goood because 1) you both are too hungry and 2) you love each other too much to care otherwise.
okay those two were both about food haha okay how about...
or when you spend late nights praying at snakehead crying out for intimacy and for our campus with super passionate freshmen who genuinely want to see Jesus come in their lives and on this campus. don't let the fire die out, Jesus.
ahhh Jesus, help me to embrace more of it.
okay i wrote alot. which means i need to blog more.
first concert ever last week. hillsong! was super cool. i mean how can you go wrong with hillsong and Jesus music? and melt-your-heart-voice-of-an-angel brooke fraser? (praise the Lord for her gift). but i realized i can't recieve too much during concert-worship. not too much Holy-Spirit Jesus work. i'd prefer IV worship band any day hehe.
i am super excited for dorm team next year. God totally blessed me with a super solid team. i can't wait to work with Michelle Eunice and Jordan. what a holy bunch. shoot. i couldn't have asked for anything better! and better yet, we all seem to really value intimacy with Jesus and prayer like alot. like as our number one value in our relationship with Jesus. wahoo!
recently, life is about two questions: 1) why the heck do i want to do dorm team again, and 2) what am i gonna do different next year?
the other day, i made a discovery about myself. i never really realized how much i value intimacy with Jesus. i thought that was like a given. i know my number one goal in life, above all else, is to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. to know His presence in my life. once i know His presence in my life, only then can i make His presence be known in the lives of others.
so, the question is, how does intimacy with Jesus play out in such an evangelism-oriented ministry like dorm team? i mean shoot. to be honest, if i really had life my way, i just want to spend my entire life sitting at Jesus' feet and loving on Him. and spend all my time getting to know His presence and drawing near to Him. i realized i'm sorta selfish in that way. that sometimes, i want Jesus all for myself, that I want to spend all my time with Jesus, praying and whatnot, and not make the effort to share Him with others. but, like andy said, we have all of eternity in heaven to enjoy Jesus! (that's not to say that we shouldn't spend time with Jesus now). Jesus put us on this earth for a reason. He put me on this campus for a reason. and i want to make the most of it. i want to make the most of my time and relationships in these 4 short years and have no regrets that I did my best in loving those around me during college. and after a year of dorm team, i have really come to realize what Jesus meant when He said, "the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". ahhhhhhh. there seems to be so much work here to do on this campus. so many lost sheep. and as i get intimate with Jesus i really begin to see His heart for the lost. and if Jesus' heart breaks for the lost, i pray that my heart would too.
and what will i do differently next year? hmm. we shall see. honestly, i don't know what to expect. i can't promise that i will be able to dorm as much as i am probably expected to. i know is that my heart is not naturally programmed to be super pumped about going into the dorms every single night. but what i do know is what i have to offer. i know that God has given me certain gifts and my passions that He has put into me. i know that I am willing to be stretched even more than i have been this year. i know that i will try my best to love the freshmen in the dorms the best that I can. i know that i will not be silent when given opportunities to share Jesus with freshmen.
okay another thing. i'm really reflecting on what i have learned this year. i'm not done yet but i have a few things.
i realized my life is about relationships. it is about a relationship with Jesus, and during my time on earth, my relationship with those around me. it is about embracing the moments of life, of my relationships. with God, i realized this year that i can get so caught up in a goal, in a vision, a drive that i must do something for God in order to please Him. there were moments when i realized that my drive to succeed, to have a good ministry was all that mattered to me. and when i look back there are many times where i realized that i failed. i realized that i couldn't do enough, that i just didn't do enough.
cause the last thing i wanted this year was mediocrity in my ministry and here i am like, God, i just want to change the world for you that's all, but in reality God does not need me to do anything. it isn't about what i can do for God, but what He already did for me. but yes. as i got caught up in ministry, there were moments i forgot about the good that God was doing in my life.
and oh yes, my season.
insert pseudo-journal entry that i wrote in an email:
during this season i really feel like God is reminding me of my identity, my calling, of who He created me to be, in relation to this year of ministry and all these cool things I have done for Jesus. during this season, i really feel like God is reminding me about where i find my significance, my value. yes, i know i find my value in God, but i realized i often found my value in how much i could do for God. yes, He called me to do ministry this year on dorm team but i found myself trying to please God, almost performance-driven cause i didn't want to settle for mediocrity. as i hit where i am now these few weeks, i really feel like God is asking only for one thing. that is my heart. God was reminding me about the relational aspect with Him, and not about having the best ministry, because He is well pleased with me, dorm team leader or not, as was God pleased with Jesus even before Jesus did any ministry.
i mean it's not like my heart wasn't into ministry. cause it was. but somewhere in the process i got ahead of myself and Jesus.
it hit me randomly one day. what i needed to hear the most during this season is that he loves me, the plain and simple verse that i almost overuse when i pray for others: "this is my son, whom i love, with him i am well pleased". it was something that i need to pray over myself. i wanted to hear Jesus tell me that He loves me
yes, i realized i had forgotten about my relationship that is Jesus. i had forgotten about my moments with Him. how good it was to wake up to be reminded of His nearness, His favor over me. how good it was to go through my daily routine of life to know His nearness, His presence in me. to have His peace that transcends all the busy-ness of life. how good it was to listen to a worship song and be brought to tears as it hit the very core of my heart.
yes life is about moments, moments in relationships with those around you. gahhhh this year is almost over. where did this year go? i need to begin embracing each and every moment.
like when you are studying really late at giesel at like 1am and you didn't eat dinner and you are really hungry and your good friend goes and buys you a whopper jr. and you eat it tastes like the best thing you have ever eaten in your life. and you are so thankful for your friend. beef, onion, ketchup, pickle, tomato, sesame bun goodness. heaven in your mouth. until it is gone in 3 bites :(
or like when you and your good buddee make sushi and even though it is super ghetto and janky and not legit cause you didn't use a sushi roller-thingy, you eat it together and it tastes soo goood because 1) you both are too hungry and 2) you love each other too much to care otherwise.
okay those two were both about food haha okay how about...
or when you spend late nights praying at snakehead crying out for intimacy and for our campus with super passionate freshmen who genuinely want to see Jesus come in their lives and on this campus. don't let the fire die out, Jesus.
ahhh Jesus, help me to embrace more of it.
okay i wrote alot. which means i need to blog more.
4.16.2009
the cross
the other day i was waiting upon the Lord during morning prayer at my newest discovery, this one special place at warren canyon. i think it's my new secret place now. it's like this secluded seat that faces the canyon next to CV, and its like my new super holy place.
i really feel like i'm going through some mehhh season but i really don't know what it is. and i never really liked the term "season", cause i know God is good all the time. and i don't want my emotions to determine whether i am in a good or bad season with God. but i really do feel like God is putting in me a deeper yearning for Jesus' presence like never before, to hunger for it more, to thirst for it more. i mean, what is intimacy with Jesus anyways? to know His presence so well and tangibly, to know Jesus' heartbeat, to know Jesus' love for me with the very core identity of who I am, and not just a really good feeling. but to be so filled with the Holy Spirit 24/7 that i would wake up and go to bed knowing that the presence of God is upon me. that's what I want and long for, and i will continue to seek after it for the rest of my life. i will not stop.
anyways, as i was waiting upon God i totally got this image of the cross. i got it like before once over the summer. i think cause especially with easter a few days ago, i have really been trying to embrace the cross.
i realized i had this teensy bit of doubt of the power of the cross. like did Jesus really die for me? i mean, did Jesus really have me in mind as He hung on that cross and died 2000 years ago? i mean did Jesus really die for each and every one of the the billions of lives that have come and gone since that day, including me?
anyways, on the cross was Jesus, and He was in so much pain. and He looked down upon me and he was like almost weeping or something. sort of like, "eric, how could you ever doubt?" and i'm like, oh Jesus, i'm so sorry.
but i knew Jesus was inviting me to embrace the cross. so i did. and a fresh sense of Jesus' love for me filled me up. i began to weep. and all i could do was embrace the cross. and sit there forever. and ever. and weep. it was quite beautiful.
it's living water i desire
come flood my heart with holy fire
rain down,
my heart is dry but still i'm singing
rain it down
~~~
all of my life
in every season
you are still God
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship
Jesus, you are so faithful
i really feel like i'm going through some mehhh season but i really don't know what it is. and i never really liked the term "season", cause i know God is good all the time. and i don't want my emotions to determine whether i am in a good or bad season with God. but i really do feel like God is putting in me a deeper yearning for Jesus' presence like never before, to hunger for it more, to thirst for it more. i mean, what is intimacy with Jesus anyways? to know His presence so well and tangibly, to know Jesus' heartbeat, to know Jesus' love for me with the very core identity of who I am, and not just a really good feeling. but to be so filled with the Holy Spirit 24/7 that i would wake up and go to bed knowing that the presence of God is upon me. that's what I want and long for, and i will continue to seek after it for the rest of my life. i will not stop.
anyways, as i was waiting upon God i totally got this image of the cross. i got it like before once over the summer. i think cause especially with easter a few days ago, i have really been trying to embrace the cross.
i realized i had this teensy bit of doubt of the power of the cross. like did Jesus really die for me? i mean, did Jesus really have me in mind as He hung on that cross and died 2000 years ago? i mean did Jesus really die for each and every one of the the billions of lives that have come and gone since that day, including me?
anyways, on the cross was Jesus, and He was in so much pain. and He looked down upon me and he was like almost weeping or something. sort of like, "eric, how could you ever doubt?" and i'm like, oh Jesus, i'm so sorry.
but i knew Jesus was inviting me to embrace the cross. so i did. and a fresh sense of Jesus' love for me filled me up. i began to weep. and all i could do was embrace the cross. and sit there forever. and ever. and weep. it was quite beautiful.
it's living water i desire
come flood my heart with holy fire
rain down,
my heart is dry but still i'm singing
rain it down
~~~
all of my life
in every season
you are still God
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship
Jesus, you are so faithful
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