how He knows me

yesterday I received prophetic ministry at my church, convergence house of prayer. it was easily the most powerful prophetic moment i've had in my life, but surprisingly simple. they called out things like my hard-working, disciplined nature, to trust, rest, and let God do the work, my intercessory gifting, and that my hands--specifically the marketplace function of them in the operating room as a surgeon brings glory to God. they reminded me that i'm unique--as i continue with this struggle of cultivating a heart after God in this crazy world of surgical residency, and watching the two worlds collide in a way that i've never seen anyone model.

at that point, it finally hit me--He knows me. He knows me better than I know myself, and it's amazing just how well He reads my mind and knows my thoughts and sees everything that i think about on a daily basis. oftentimes we can forget that our thoughtlife is just between us and ourselves but little do we know that He has been a part of every internal dialogue we've had! and trust me, I have my good share of internal dialogue on a daily basis!

it's amazing how well He knows me and sees me, and not just in the spiritual sense where He only sees the spiritual highlights of my life where I proudly present myself before him, sanctified, holy, and hungry. He doesn't just see the designated times of prayer and worship, as important as those times are. No, He sees the entire journey and every struggle, every thought of even trying to reach out to Him, and all He notices every internal struggle that ends up in falling short of what I would call a good enough effort to reach for Him. He notices it, He remembers it, and most importantly He understands it, and He loves it, because He created and loves it (me)! does not the creator know His creation? nothing surprises Him, none of my actions before His eyes were unexpected.

at this point, i'm left in a dilemma. for one, i can cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself because He understands me so well. but on the other hand, i realize that i can actually invite Him into this struggle of faith and this internal thoughtlife that i have on a daily basis. no longer do i have to live independent from Him until i am ready to present myself to Him in my sanctified, holy condition, but He wants to be a part of me just as I am, because that's how He created me, and He wants me so badly.

so i guess the real lesson for me is this, to rest, and to let Him know me. or actually, since He obviously already knows me, to ask Him about what He thinks about me, and talk about how my life with Him, that we would do this together. i don't have to avoid Him or put Him on hold until i feel like i'm in a condition that's good enough and ready to be pleasing to Him, because He already knows the depths of who i am, better than all that i know about myself.

building a history

Jesus, let the moments that i sit before you with an open heart be the building blocks of a relationship that lasts for eternity. i will get to spend the rest of eternity knowing you but let my short time here on earth not go to waste. nothing on earth lasts, everything is so meaningless apart from you. i want to be well acquainted the familiarity of your nearness, to have faith that comes as easy as breathing, and to know who you are as my dearest friend. i want you to be the first thing i consider in all that i do. i want to be as aware of your indwelling presence as i am aware of my own beating heart. what are you thinking, what are you feeling, God, i have to know. I want to be one with you, to be moved by what moves you and to know exactly just what pleases you the most. i know that when i stand before you all that i will be able to give you is a heart that has loved you well. to hear you tell me "well done good and faithful servant", and to enter into the joy of fullness of fellowship with you. though the seasons may change, let your constant faithfulness and pursuit of my heart be the anchor and plumb line that reminds me of my life's goal, to spend the rest of my days building a deep rich history with you. to laugh with you, cry with you, sit with you, discover you, search for you, wait for you, find you, gaze at you, to walk with you, sing to you, talk to you, delight in you, search for you, wrestle with you, struggle with you, cling on to you, run with you, lean into you, be with you.

God, do not leave me alone

My son,
I could have left you to safe little world, your little bubble
I could have left you to your comfortable life
But son,
I love you too much to leave you to the smallness of what you know
I love you too much to leave you to yourself

~~~

God, I love you, i worship You
Lord do not leave me alone
I have got to know you
I have got to see you
I have got to have you
I want everything you've got for me
Lord do not leave me to myself
As painful as it may feel
Interrupt my life if you have to
Test me if you have to
Do whatever it takes
But come to me, visit me, reveal yourself to me   

learning to be a child, again

"be still", He says, as His big, steady hand grasps mine.
"isn't this way so much better?" He asks. "watch me, see how easy it is when we do it together. My son, you just wait and see what I can do."

i'll go wherever You go, Dad. as long as You're going to be a part of it, i'll go anywhere for you.

the only thing that matters

the scary part about this life is that we only get 70-80 years to prepare for that day where we stand before Him and present to Him our heart. On that day, the only thing that will matter is our heart.

the scary part about life after death is that there is no going back. it's scary because the pain of regret that we could've given more can plague us for eternity. it's scary to think about entering eternity to look back on our short lives, a vapor compared to the expanse of eternity, and regret that we didn't give Him enough.

i want to care about the only thing that matters. i just want a heart that is fully in love.

what it comes down to

So let our hearts consider an aching question—when my eyes first see His, will I know Him? Not just am I saved, but do I deeply know the One who saved me? Will there be memories that flood between us when our eyes finally meet? Will I know the depths of His heart and have let Him into the depths of mine? Will my heart have spent its days in wisdom, storing up a rich history with Jesus? Or will I painfully realize then that He who has loved me, who has eternally desired me, who was meant to be my nearest, most intimate Friend is merely an acquaintance?

How close will my heart be to His in that moment when His eyes stare into mine?

Our moments spent before Him, in this vapor of time we now live, add up to yield a history. In the monotony of our day-by-day, we may sing our little songs to Him, offer whispers of ‘I love You’ and ‘I need You,’ sit with an open Bible and a searching heart, take our stands before Him prayer—but what are these moments to Him? They are the immeasurably precious pieces of the history we are building with our soul’s Beloved. And that history will be the only thing we have to offer Him when we at last stand before His face. And the more we give of ourselves, the deeper our history’s well will reach. Did I give Him my time, my eyes, my affection, dreams, my emotions, my finances, my obedience, my strength—myself?

From http://jonandkinsey.com/presenting-a-history-to-him/#more-410

faithful friend