i watched 2012 on my laptop last night (my mom told me to take a study break) because i have this weird fascination with the end of the world (the term is called eschatology). it was interesting to see how people react when they realize that the end of the world is here and they are gonna die. it was actually kind of fun (should it be sad?) to watch people panic and scream and in and jump off cliffs in desperation and stuff like that. apparently, i discovered that when the end of the world has come, people react 3 different ways:
1) try to survive and do whatever you can to save your own life (yea you try running away from a 1000 foot tsuanmi)
2) accept the fact that the end of the world is here and there is nothing you could do to stop the fact that you are gonna die very soon. therefore, call your loved ones or, if you are with your loved ones, [finally] come to the realization that all of life comes down to love, and hug them, get hit by the tsunami, and die together.
3) (the most interesting response) turn to religion. whether it is Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, when people realize that the end of the world is here, they realize that they are not all-powerful after all (too bad it took the end of the world for them to realize that), rather, that things happen in this world that are beyond our control. so we have to turn to some divine force.
anyways, to my point.
so i was having lunch with a good friend of mine at CV (who might be reading this right now) and we had an awesome conversation and one of the many (deep) things that came up was about how our human experience of reality (and life itself) is limited. my point is, i (sadly) think that most people in this world are satisfied with knowing that the purpose of our existence is to live a good life, enjoy it, be free to make as much (or as little) of it as you would like, and die. it's interesting that it sometimes takes things (like the end of the world) or even personal crises (family death) to make us stop and think, what is the purpose of life? what does all of life come down to? what really matters in life? is there is more to life than we realized? with all these world disasters happening right now, more and more are asking the same questions.
well, YES. let me be the first to tell you that there is more to life. i know because i've experienced it. unfortunately, our human perception of reality is only limited to our experiences. so as someone who has experienced more to life, i am here to tell you (especially if you haven't had an experience) that there IS more to life. even more so, what i am talking about isn't necessarily an experience, but an encounter. you see, our life is based upon experiences. some can have some effect on us (i.e. sky-diving) but some can have no effect on us (i.e. going to lectures). but an encounter with the living, uncreated God of the universe always leaves us never the same. 100%. all the time. trust me.
so if you've never had an encounter with the living God before, and you want it, ask for it! seek after it and you will get it i promise you! and you will experience a love encounter with God! yay!
"the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." (rom. 8:23-24)
"[all of creation] waits for [God]. to give them food as they need it." (psalm 104:27)
we were created for something more. whether we know it or not, every person on this world was created to yearn, to desire, to groan, to crave something more than this world has to offer. some are just better than others at surpressing their cravings or filling it with other stuff.
we were all created to groan. we were all created to or want something more. i don't think drugs, sex, alcohol, partying, success, an ideology, a philosophy, a theology, not even religion will satisfy. not even "christianity" as a religion to help us live a better life and become better people will satisfy. yes, only Jesus will satisfy but more specifically, it's the revelation of our adoption as sons (and daughters) of God that will satisfy. the realization that we were created to have a perfect relationship with the uncreated God whom we can call Daddy, Abba. that is the purpose of life. it comes down to love love love. not blind lovey-dovey sappy love, but a relationship with the very Person of Love, the man Jesus Christ.
You have a Dad, an Abba. He created you, and He loves you so much. He wants you to hear just one word from Him. He's saying it over you right now,
Son,
Daughter.
so Spirit of Adoption. I ask you to come.
(Thank You in advance!)
and until the end of the world comes (just kidding, not really) just LOVE, as if it was your last day to live. heh...
just love God and love others DEEPLY. the end.
3.17.2010
3.15.2010
come and rush over me
You said there would be joy in the laying down.
You said there would be joy in the letting go.
You said there would be joy in the giving up my rights.
You said there would be joy in the letting go.
You said there would be joy in the giving up my rights.
3.14.2010
self-discoveries
1) i can't lie to save my life. i can't keep a straight face if my life depended on it. i just can't. is that a good or bad thing? that's just the way He made me i guess.
2) i like to over-think everything. as a result, i have a tendency to never say what i mean and i never mean what i say because before i say what i want to say i have already over-thought it and weighed every single option (the response i would get, the other person's reaction, etc.), and i end up having to choose from quite a few options depending on what response i think i would get, making the entire situation a whole lot more complicated than it actually was, but i can't really help it because you can't just tell your brain not to think! (or can you?) so...never talk to me! actually, it'd be nice if you still did talk to me, just be keep in mind my weird-ness.
3) i discovered that i have a longing for attention and a yearning for emotional intimacy from other people. (do you? maybe we all do, who knows? and maybe it's because He created us all that way?) but i thought that my introverted-ness combined with an acceptance from Him would cancel the need for being accepted by anyone else. hence i would be satisfied with going to class and then home to enjoy my "alone time" spent mostly with Him.
and yet, knowing there is no substitute for Jesus, i still find myself scrambling to find acceptance from others. i just want to be loved. and know that i am special to someone. (yes, LORD, i know i am special to you! but is it wrong to desire to know that i'm special to other people?) shouldn't You be able to fill my every desire? or can i really just not isolate myself and spend time with You all the time? or is it something deeper? like a fear of rejection from other people? hmm. perhaps i should read "rejection and praise of man" by bob sorge (good book) another time through.
i really thought having Him alone would be enough to satisfy my every need, until last year Ryan preached on gen. 2:18, where God said "it is not good for the man to be alone." so God created eve and eventually, more people came into this world to be friends with adam. yay! apparently, this was implying that an adam-God relationship was not enough. i still wrestle with that point. (Jesus, you alone must be more than enough!)
and i still have not figured it out. where is the balance between alone time and other-people time? there's a part of me that wants to escape with you, and there's another part that longs to hang out with others.
which leads me to my next discovery...
4) i got worse (or maybe i'm just bad) at making/maintaining friendships. if you're reading this and you're not a random blog-stalker, you're probably a victim of this fault of mine. i am bad at initiating anything; honestly, i'm pretty sure that most of my hang-outs are when someone else initiates with me. yes, i'm learning a lot about my introverted-ness, realizing that i like to be alone but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just simply being...antisocial. heh...because sometimes i realize that i isolate myself from others (a way of self-protection from rejection?) but i actually want to hang out. yepp. selfish of me? perhaps. anyways...which leads me to...
5) i am a very self-centered person. i think about myself way more than i think about Him or about others. in fact, a lot of the times if i do think about others (and even Him) is when he/she can benefit me. yepp. pretty horrible. (i give you permission to hit me next time you see me).
well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you, my friend-who-reads-my-blogs, if i have used you to satisfy my selfish desires. i'm sorry if i love myself more than i love you. i can't help it. i am still a work-in-progress. i'm still learning how to love you the way God loves you. an unconditional selfless love. love that isn't self-seeking.
and i'm sorry, Jesus. i'm sorry for the times i've used You as a crutch or someone to make me feel good. i'm sorry for the times i desired your Spirit only for ministry. i'm sorry for the times where my love was conditional. i don't want Your blessings, i just want You. i want You for who you are. i want to get rid this spirit of self-focus and replace it with a YOU-focus. i want to be FREED from self-focus and be given a YOU-focus because You said there would be JOY in doing so.
6) the art of saying NO. i have a really hard time learning how to say no. to anything. people, hangouts, favors, (and food). even at the expense of my inconvenience/burden. i hate rejecting people period, and when they ask me for a favor, and honestly, 99% of the time i really don't mind saying yes to the things i say yes to. it's just that i need to be more assertive and confident in knowing what i want, which leads me to my next point...
7) i am not a very assertive person. i am a very indecisive person. that sucks because men should always know what to do and take the lead. but i end up not being assertive because my honest desire is for others to have their way and be happy, which will make me more happy, more so than if things went the way i wanted it to. i'd rather self-sacrifice at my own inconvenience, and go with another's preference than my own, because it would make them happy. i'm working on becoming more assertive!!
8) my mom had a lot to say about numbers 5 and 6. she would tell me that self-sacrifice isn't about me being a nice person, but that my opinions actually matter, and that my thoughts and my existence is worth something. thanks mommy. i'm still learning!
9) why is it that it's always during finals week where 23492341 come crashing down? an excuse not to study? i just have more time to think? i just don't know.
2) i like to over-think everything. as a result, i have a tendency to never say what i mean and i never mean what i say because before i say what i want to say i have already over-thought it and weighed every single option (the response i would get, the other person's reaction, etc.), and i end up having to choose from quite a few options depending on what response i think i would get, making the entire situation a whole lot more complicated than it actually was, but i can't really help it because you can't just tell your brain not to think! (or can you?) so...never talk to me! actually, it'd be nice if you still did talk to me, just be keep in mind my weird-ness.
3) i discovered that i have a longing for attention and a yearning for emotional intimacy from other people. (do you? maybe we all do, who knows? and maybe it's because He created us all that way?) but i thought that my introverted-ness combined with an acceptance from Him would cancel the need for being accepted by anyone else. hence i would be satisfied with going to class and then home to enjoy my "alone time" spent mostly with Him.
and yet, knowing there is no substitute for Jesus, i still find myself scrambling to find acceptance from others. i just want to be loved. and know that i am special to someone. (yes, LORD, i know i am special to you! but is it wrong to desire to know that i'm special to other people?) shouldn't You be able to fill my every desire? or can i really just not isolate myself and spend time with You all the time? or is it something deeper? like a fear of rejection from other people? hmm. perhaps i should read "rejection and praise of man" by bob sorge (good book) another time through.
i really thought having Him alone would be enough to satisfy my every need, until last year Ryan preached on gen. 2:18, where God said "it is not good for the man to be alone." so God created eve and eventually, more people came into this world to be friends with adam. yay! apparently, this was implying that an adam-God relationship was not enough. i still wrestle with that point. (Jesus, you alone must be more than enough!)
and i still have not figured it out. where is the balance between alone time and other-people time? there's a part of me that wants to escape with you, and there's another part that longs to hang out with others.
which leads me to my next discovery...
4) i got worse (or maybe i'm just bad) at making/maintaining friendships. if you're reading this and you're not a random blog-stalker, you're probably a victim of this fault of mine. i am bad at initiating anything; honestly, i'm pretty sure that most of my hang-outs are when someone else initiates with me. yes, i'm learning a lot about my introverted-ness, realizing that i like to be alone but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just simply being...antisocial. heh...because sometimes i realize that i isolate myself from others (a way of self-protection from rejection?) but i actually want to hang out. yepp. selfish of me? perhaps. anyways...which leads me to...
5) i am a very self-centered person. i think about myself way more than i think about Him or about others. in fact, a lot of the times if i do think about others (and even Him) is when he/she can benefit me. yepp. pretty horrible. (i give you permission to hit me next time you see me).
well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you, my friend-who-reads-my-blogs, if i have used you to satisfy my selfish desires. i'm sorry if i love myself more than i love you. i can't help it. i am still a work-in-progress. i'm still learning how to love you the way God loves you. an unconditional selfless love. love that isn't self-seeking.
and i'm sorry, Jesus. i'm sorry for the times i've used You as a crutch or someone to make me feel good. i'm sorry for the times i desired your Spirit only for ministry. i'm sorry for the times where my love was conditional. i don't want Your blessings, i just want You. i want You for who you are. i want to get rid this spirit of self-focus and replace it with a YOU-focus. i want to be FREED from self-focus and be given a YOU-focus because You said there would be JOY in doing so.
6) the art of saying NO. i have a really hard time learning how to say no. to anything. people, hangouts, favors, (and food). even at the expense of my inconvenience/burden. i hate rejecting people period, and when they ask me for a favor, and honestly, 99% of the time i really don't mind saying yes to the things i say yes to. it's just that i need to be more assertive and confident in knowing what i want, which leads me to my next point...
7) i am not a very assertive person. i am a very indecisive person. that sucks because men should always know what to do and take the lead. but i end up not being assertive because my honest desire is for others to have their way and be happy, which will make me more happy, more so than if things went the way i wanted it to. i'd rather self-sacrifice at my own inconvenience, and go with another's preference than my own, because it would make them happy. i'm working on becoming more assertive!!
8) my mom had a lot to say about numbers 5 and 6. she would tell me that self-sacrifice isn't about me being a nice person, but that my opinions actually matter, and that my thoughts and my existence is worth something. thanks mommy. i'm still learning!
9) why is it that it's always during finals week where 23492341 come crashing down? an excuse not to study? i just have more time to think? i just don't know.
3.05.2010
wrestling...and psalm 25...and personal rants
why oh LORD? why the wrestling? why is a heart so difficult to conquer, even when the owner is willing? (i stole that from someone). have You not already won my heart? yet how i forget!
why do i wrestle?
You'd rather not wrestle with me,
rather,
i'm the one that engages in the wrestling with You.
i don't like to wrestle.
but i do it anyways.
i wrestle because my love is broken.
i wrestle because my love is weak.
if my love were more mature, wholehearted, abandoned, and jealous, perhaps i'd wrestle less.
if life went my way, i'd be able to love you to the way you love me.
but it's not that way
so until then, i'm going to have to wrestle.
i wrestle because i want to love You.
even though you're going to win
even though you've won already
on this side of heaven, i'm going to wrestle
until the day i see you face to face.
~~~
psalm 25.
i've been stuck on this psalm for like a week now.
usually i meditate on a psalm until i get breakthrough or until He says something to me or until He tells me to move on to the next psalm.
but He told me to stay on this one. for 6 days to be exact. so i did.
1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
3 Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
4 Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
this psalm is like one of the many truths that come with getting to know my Lover: easier said than done. easier to know these truths, memorize it, and store them somewhere in the deep abyss of my mind than to walk it out and know it with my heart. oh, that You would give me grace to walk in love!
and He spoke.
somewhere in the wrestling,
in the contending,
in the striving,
i made it about me me me me me me ME
in my wrestling,
i became consumed in self-focus
and self-determination to love and pursue Love.
thereby altogether losing sight of Love.
once again, i come face to face with my friend:
mr. performance-driven spirit (you must die).
but honestly, God
i just want your presence
i must have His presence.
i must have you, Holy Spirit!
if i don't have You, i have nothing.
i'm sorry LORD for the thing i've made it.
i'm sorry Abba for turning Love into a game
where i have to know all the right things
and where i must do all the right things
and do all the right motions
sorry Abba that i'm very good at being able to complicate love and make it about something more than just You.
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
each time i catch myself striving, He reminds me to stop.
each time i find myself wrestling, He tells me to give up.
because we both know that He always wins. (i stole that part also)
and He tells me to wait. because there's joy in the waiting. and as i wait, He does the work in my heart. and the work He does is so much greater than any of my striving. i call that grace. as i wait, He overcomes me and He wins my heart once again. such grace!
waiting. to the end. because no one who waits upon the LORD will ever be ashamed.
~~~
Holy Spirit, You are like a dance.
as i wait, i wait for You to lead me.
i wait until our hearts connect
a place where movements of Your heart and my heart become in sync, in unity
but i must wait,
because you take the lead by whispers
i must wait
~~~
Love is:
learning to depend on my Abba.
it is learning to lean on my Lover,
and learning to wait upon my LORD.
Love is:
learning to be purged from self,
to empty myself,
to die to myself.
it is to surrender and let go of myself
only to be filled, consumed, and possessed by the freedom of You, Holy Spirit.
to have life and life to the full (also known as joy)
Love is:
to hope, to trust, to have faith in my God.
to gaze, to seek, to behold His presence
to dwell in His house, all the days of my life
to walk, to abide, to fellowship, to talk with my Friend.
Love is:
just to be with Him.
why do i wrestle?
You'd rather not wrestle with me,
rather,
i'm the one that engages in the wrestling with You.
i don't like to wrestle.
but i do it anyways.
i wrestle because my love is broken.
i wrestle because my love is weak.
if my love were more mature, wholehearted, abandoned, and jealous, perhaps i'd wrestle less.
if life went my way, i'd be able to love you to the way you love me.
but it's not that way
so until then, i'm going to have to wrestle.
i wrestle because i want to love You.
even though you're going to win
even though you've won already
on this side of heaven, i'm going to wrestle
until the day i see you face to face.
~~~
psalm 25.
i've been stuck on this psalm for like a week now.
usually i meditate on a psalm until i get breakthrough or until He says something to me or until He tells me to move on to the next psalm.
but He told me to stay on this one. for 6 days to be exact. so i did.
1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
3 Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
4 Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
this psalm is like one of the many truths that come with getting to know my Lover: easier said than done. easier to know these truths, memorize it, and store them somewhere in the deep abyss of my mind than to walk it out and know it with my heart. oh, that You would give me grace to walk in love!
and He spoke.
somewhere in the wrestling,
in the contending,
in the striving,
i made it about me me me me me me ME
in my wrestling,
i became consumed in self-focus
and self-determination to love and pursue Love.
thereby altogether losing sight of Love.
once again, i come face to face with my friend:
mr. performance-driven spirit (you must die).
but honestly, God
i just want your presence
i must have His presence.
i must have you, Holy Spirit!
if i don't have You, i have nothing.
i'm sorry LORD for the thing i've made it.
i'm sorry Abba for turning Love into a game
where i have to know all the right things
and where i must do all the right things
and do all the right motions
sorry Abba that i'm very good at being able to complicate love and make it about something more than just You.
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
each time i catch myself striving, He reminds me to stop.
each time i find myself wrestling, He tells me to give up.
because we both know that He always wins. (i stole that part also)
and He tells me to wait. because there's joy in the waiting. and as i wait, He does the work in my heart. and the work He does is so much greater than any of my striving. i call that grace. as i wait, He overcomes me and He wins my heart once again. such grace!
waiting. to the end. because no one who waits upon the LORD will ever be ashamed.
~~~
Holy Spirit, You are like a dance.
as i wait, i wait for You to lead me.
i wait until our hearts connect
a place where movements of Your heart and my heart become in sync, in unity
but i must wait,
because you take the lead by whispers
i must wait
~~~
Love is:
learning to depend on my Abba.
it is learning to lean on my Lover,
and learning to wait upon my LORD.
Love is:
learning to be purged from self,
to empty myself,
to die to myself.
it is to surrender and let go of myself
only to be filled, consumed, and possessed by the freedom of You, Holy Spirit.
to have life and life to the full (also known as joy)
Love is:
to hope, to trust, to have faith in my God.
to gaze, to seek, to behold His presence
to dwell in His house, all the days of my life
to walk, to abide, to fellowship, to talk with my Friend.
Love is:
just to be with Him.
2.15.2010
singleness appreciation day
here's to my Jesus,
my one true valentine,
my Lover,
my Friend,
my bridegroom,
my everything,
my only passion.
here's to many more years of sweet fellowship with each other--to the wrestling and the contending, to the sweet moments and the dry ones. here's to Love--Love that hopes, Love that always trusts, always perseveres, Love that never fails, Love that always wins.
here's to Love--a jealous Love that continues to fight for me
thank You for singleness. and sweet seasons for holy devotion to only You. thank you for teaching me to be satisfied in You and only You. thank You for teaching me to seek satisfaction from You first, my firstlove.
thank You that i can close my eyes and gaze into the eyes of Beauty.
God, You're beautiful, to me
let's spend eternity getting to know each other. let's begin now. take me away with You. let's hurry!
ahh. i'm falling in Love.
2.06.2010
dove '10
distractions.
are plenty.
the burdens of a student, graduating sooner than i thought, the burdens and flashy/cool things He's doing in my ministry as a lover of Jesus on this campus, the complications of...relationships. all these things tug at my heart and it's a war, a battle where these things seem like an attempt to rob me of my devotion to the LORD.
yet i know He still wants to be a part of all the "stuff" in my life. how to bring Him more fully into it, i have yet to perfect. anyways, that isn't the point of this post.
distractions.
it's like a thorn in my flesh, to remind myself that i am only human. that my love is weak. broken, imperfect, easily distracted. that my love is easily compromises...
yet still lovely.
my desire for a wholehearted pursuit of the LORD, an undivided heart is plagued by the things of this world which seem to rob me from my dove's-eyes abandonment to my Lover. i'm starting to realize that it's a daily struggle where i must pick up my cross daily, to say no to my selfish desires and to follow Jesus in wholehearted abandonment. it's a burning hatred of the things that keep me from loving Him, an annoyance at my compromise, and the weakness of my flesh.
and oh, those foxes. those foxes that weasel their way into my garden. maybe i should start building a cement wall. that ought to keep them out.
oh, the art of losing myself! to be purged. to be consumed by His all-consuming fire. His jealous flame of love. to be burnt as i pursue Holy. to die to gain it all. death to myself. NO compromise. NO to the things which hinder Love to wholeheartedly pursue Love.
OH LORD, WOULD YOU GIVE ME GRACE TO WALK IN LOVE! please?
sometimes i want to escape this world. it's almost a very selfish desire where i want to escape it all and go to a distant place. a garden perhaps, where there isn't anyone around, a place where i don't have to worry about a thing in the world and it's just me and Him and there i can set my gaze upon Him. it would be a very safe place. a very easy place. a place where i can be surrounded by His light and hide from all the compromise, the temptations, and every other lover that attempts to steal my devotion. distraction free. oh happy day.
~~~
recently, He's given me an obsession. it's an obsession to...gaze. i want to see His eyes. eyes which blaze with fire, with desire and longing. if i was given a whole day to spend with Him, i just might do that. just sit and gaze into His eyes. to lock eyes with Love and...behold.
i want to behold Beauty. i want to behold His face. i'm confident that my eyes were created for that purpose--to gaze on Beauty. i absolutely refuse to settle until i achieve that.
when i arrive at eternity's shore
where death is just a memory and tears are no more
i'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together, and i'll sing,
You're beautiful.
~~~
i'm tired. i'm tired of the doing. when will i ever learn to be? i don't know Love well enough. every time i stretch myself i find myself retreating back to the secret place. perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i am weak and i just want Him all for myself. perhaps i lack compassion and an evangelistic drive. perhaps i lack the Father's heart for the lost. perhaps i lack mission and a desire for the nations.
but i know one thing: i must have Him.
are plenty.
the burdens of a student, graduating sooner than i thought, the burdens and flashy/cool things He's doing in my ministry as a lover of Jesus on this campus, the complications of...relationships. all these things tug at my heart and it's a war, a battle where these things seem like an attempt to rob me of my devotion to the LORD.
yet i know He still wants to be a part of all the "stuff" in my life. how to bring Him more fully into it, i have yet to perfect. anyways, that isn't the point of this post.
distractions.
it's like a thorn in my flesh, to remind myself that i am only human. that my love is weak. broken, imperfect, easily distracted. that my love is easily compromises...
yet still lovely.
my desire for a wholehearted pursuit of the LORD, an undivided heart is plagued by the things of this world which seem to rob me from my dove's-eyes abandonment to my Lover. i'm starting to realize that it's a daily struggle where i must pick up my cross daily, to say no to my selfish desires and to follow Jesus in wholehearted abandonment. it's a burning hatred of the things that keep me from loving Him, an annoyance at my compromise, and the weakness of my flesh.
and oh, those foxes. those foxes that weasel their way into my garden. maybe i should start building a cement wall. that ought to keep them out.
oh, the art of losing myself! to be purged. to be consumed by His all-consuming fire. His jealous flame of love. to be burnt as i pursue Holy. to die to gain it all. death to myself. NO compromise. NO to the things which hinder Love to wholeheartedly pursue Love.
OH LORD, WOULD YOU GIVE ME GRACE TO WALK IN LOVE! please?
sometimes i want to escape this world. it's almost a very selfish desire where i want to escape it all and go to a distant place. a garden perhaps, where there isn't anyone around, a place where i don't have to worry about a thing in the world and it's just me and Him and there i can set my gaze upon Him. it would be a very safe place. a very easy place. a place where i can be surrounded by His light and hide from all the compromise, the temptations, and every other lover that attempts to steal my devotion. distraction free. oh happy day.
~~~
recently, He's given me an obsession. it's an obsession to...gaze. i want to see His eyes. eyes which blaze with fire, with desire and longing. if i was given a whole day to spend with Him, i just might do that. just sit and gaze into His eyes. to lock eyes with Love and...behold.
i want to behold Beauty. i want to behold His face. i'm confident that my eyes were created for that purpose--to gaze on Beauty. i absolutely refuse to settle until i achieve that.
when i arrive at eternity's shore
where death is just a memory and tears are no more
i'll enter in as the wedding bells ring
Your bride will come together, and i'll sing,
You're beautiful.
~~~
i'm tired. i'm tired of the doing. when will i ever learn to be? i don't know Love well enough. every time i stretch myself i find myself retreating back to the secret place. perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i am weak and i just want Him all for myself. perhaps i lack compassion and an evangelistic drive. perhaps i lack the Father's heart for the lost. perhaps i lack mission and a desire for the nations.
but i know one thing: i must have Him.
1.23.2010
seminar
a week ago, i had the privilege of being able to lead a seminar for freshmen for frosh retreat. i even was given the freedom to choose the topic! the retreat was evangelism-focused, but i wanted to touch on the importance of intimacy before evangelism. so my seminar was called "partnering with the Holy Spirit: intimacy and evangelism"
natalie and i had all these notes and structure planned out and we were ready to go. but on the day of, i really felt like the LORD just wanted to touch hearts in an intimate way.
so i gave Him space.
and i asked Him to come and do what He does best.
and He came.
and we were never the same.
it's interesting what happens when we invite Him to come. it's interesting what happens when we give Him space for Him to have His way with us. that's what the IHOP awakening is all about. hours upon hours of giving Him space to do what He does best. and we are in a posture of receiving, welcoming Holy Spirit to come.
chains were broken, lives were healed, eyes were opened to the beauty of God, simply because we heard Him tell us that He loves us. it made me realize how hungry we are to know that God loves us. how much we need to be reminded by what He thinks about us, to hear Him call us His son, His daughter, that He delights in us, that He enjoys us, just the way we are.
there aren't many things more beautiful than watching someone getting touched by the LORD. to watch the Father have a love encounter with His beloved, favorite ones. to watch Him romance His son/daughter with His jealous love. to watch a Father embrace His son, for He has been waiting for so long. for me, it's a glimpse of heaven. i could spend my life watching it happen.
Jesus, thanks for giving me the chance to be a part of your love encounters. can i have more please?
~~~
oh i attached the handout for my own good, in case i lose it in the future. read it if you're interested!
“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.” (Psalm 27:4 ESV)
natalie and i had all these notes and structure planned out and we were ready to go. but on the day of, i really felt like the LORD just wanted to touch hearts in an intimate way.
so i gave Him space.
and i asked Him to come and do what He does best.
and He came.
and we were never the same.
it's interesting what happens when we invite Him to come. it's interesting what happens when we give Him space for Him to have His way with us. that's what the IHOP awakening is all about. hours upon hours of giving Him space to do what He does best. and we are in a posture of receiving, welcoming Holy Spirit to come.
chains were broken, lives were healed, eyes were opened to the beauty of God, simply because we heard Him tell us that He loves us. it made me realize how hungry we are to know that God loves us. how much we need to be reminded by what He thinks about us, to hear Him call us His son, His daughter, that He delights in us, that He enjoys us, just the way we are.
there aren't many things more beautiful than watching someone getting touched by the LORD. to watch the Father have a love encounter with His beloved, favorite ones. to watch Him romance His son/daughter with His jealous love. to watch a Father embrace His son, for He has been waiting for so long. for me, it's a glimpse of heaven. i could spend my life watching it happen.
Jesus, thanks for giving me the chance to be a part of your love encounters. can i have more please?
~~~
oh i attached the handout for my own good, in case i lose it in the future. read it if you're interested!
partnering with the holy spirit: intimacy and evangelism
intervarsity Christian fellowship frosh retreat 2010
The Vine and the Branches
(John 15:1-10 NIV)
1"I am the true vine, and my Father is the gardener. 2He cuts off every branch in me that bears no fruit, while every branch that does bear fruit he prunes so that it will be even more fruitful. 3You are already clean because of the word I have spoken to you. 4Remain in me, and I will remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.
5"I am the vine; you are the branches. If a man remains in me and I in him, he will bear much fruit; apart from me you can do nothing. 6If anyone does not remain in me, he is like a branch that is thrown away and withers; such branches are picked up, thrown into the fire and burned. 7If you remain in me and my words remain in you, ask whatever you wish, and it will be given you. 8This is to my Father's glory, that you bear much fruit, showing yourselves to be my disciples. 9"As the Father has loved me, so have I loved you. Now remain in my love. 10If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love.
I. our #1 goal in life is to pursue intimacy with jesus.
“Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind. This is the first and greatest commandment.” (Matt 22:37-38)
A. Success in our relationship with Jesus is found in one thing: to love Him and be loved by Him. It’s that simple. Success isn’t found in how much we evangelize, how many good works we do, how many things we do to try to please Him. We tend to be better at doing the works to go to church, to go to bible study, to offer sacrifices to please Him, but forget to worship and love Jesus in spirit and in truth.
“One thing have I asked of the Lord, that will I seek after: that I may dwell in the house of the Lord all the days of my life, to gaze upon the beauty of the Lord and to inquire in His temple.” (Psalm 27:4 ESV)
B. All that we do in life, especially when we go out and “evangelize” is rooted and grounded in intimacy with Jesus. As people who function on a very task-oriented basis, we often make the mistake of turning evangelism into a project, operating out of our own strength. When operating out of our own strength, we oftentimes see no results, we get discouraged and we give up.
“No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me.” (John 15:4)
C. Intimacy is seeking to REMAIN with the Lord. To remain with the Lord means to seek His face, to know His will, and to pursue Him in trust and faith and love. As we allow the Lord to refine us to become more like Jesus, we begin to understand who He is and what He desires. We must be obedient to His will (v. 10). He will grant us what we pray to Him if we seek Him with a pure and true heart that loves Him (v. 7).
II. how to pursue intimacy
A. Pray pray pray pray pray pray pray. No joke. Pray until you enjoy praying. If you don’t like to pray, ask Him to give you a passion for prayer. If you don’t know how to pray, learn how to pray by just doing it. Set out an hour each day out of your life to just pray and enjoy talking to God. Ask Him to teach you how to pray. The choice is up to you. How hungry are you for Jesus? How badly do you desire to have intimacy with Jesus?
B. Discipline yourself. Just like our muscles need daily exercise to be strong, same is with our spiritual “muscles”. If we don’t connect with Jesus for a long time, we get weak and it becomes harder to fellowship with Him. He starts to feel far and distant from us. Set out time daily where you are alone to connect with Jesus. Go to the secret place daily. Jesus did it. How much more do we need to do it? Spend time just resting with the Lord, speaking to Him, worshipping who He is, reading the Word, focusing on God and not on the other things that tend to occupy our time. Learn to enjoy spending time with Him.
6But when you pray, go into your room, close the door and pray to your Father, who is unseen. Then your Father, who sees what is done in secret, will reward you. (Matt. 6:6 NIV)
C. Pray-read the scripture (Psalms): Read the scripture as a prayer. It doesn’t have to be Psalms, but Psalms are always a good option. Example:
1 He who dwells in the shelter of the Most High will rest in the shadow of the Almighty. 2 I will say of the LORD, "He is my refuge and my fortress, my God, in whom I trust.” 3 Surely he will save you from the fowler's snare and from the deadly pestilence. (Psalm 91:1-3 NIV)
Lord, thank You that I can dwell in Your shadow, that You love for me to abide in the shadow of the Almighty. Lord, to You I will say that You are my refuge and my strength, my God, in whom I trust. Lord, You are the one who delivers me from the snare of the fowler and from deadly pestilence. Thank You, Lord, that You have made yourself available to me in this scripture. In Jesus’ name I pray, Amen.
D. Just do it. Just have quiet time with Jesus. Say no to distractions and don’t push it off to the side and get lazy. Fight laziness! He is so much worth our time! Jesus should be our priority! WARNING: you WILL get distracted, discouraged, and it will seem like the hardest, most pointless thing you can do with your time. You will come to a point where you will want to give up. At that point, ask for grace to continue persevering, and you will be rewarded.
E. Explore the spiritual disciplines (or as Jesse Jacobs puts it, soul training). Spiritual disciplines train us to be strong and bold, to be rooted and grounded in Jesus so that we can live lifestyles that radiate Jesus, as salt and light of this world. Some examples include:
Bible—read, read, read, read, read, read, read the Word. Just do it. And try reading it with the Holy Spirit. The words will begin to jump out at you and pierce your heart. You will begin to hear His voice speaking to you as you read and you will begin to gain deeper revelations than what is on the page. Try it. You will be amazed.
Hebrews 4:12: “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing to the division of soul and of spirit, of joints and marrow, and discerning the thoughts and intentions of the heart”
Journaling—keep a journal just for spiritual things. This isn’t a diary, but something where you can write out your prayers, questions, and truths about what you are learning about Jesus. Be honest in your journaling. Pour out your frustrations and struggles to Jesus and allow Him to speak back to you. He will speak. You will be quite shocked.
Retreat to a quiet place—make time in your daily lives to retreat to a place to be with Him. I have several “secret places” across campus where I meet and commune with Jesus.
Fasting—fasting is a command. It isn’t just for the radical or intense people, it was meant for everyone. We fast because we want to become more hungry for Jesus. Ask us if you have more questions.
Waiting upon the Lord—this is my favorite one. Simply put, it is enjoying His presence. It is meditation on a truth about Jesus, usually on His love, His emotions, feelings, affections for us. I can mediate on Zeph. 3:17 for hours:
17 The LORD your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing."(Zeph. 3:17 NIV)
HOMEWORK: MEDITATE UPON ZEPH 3:17 OR ANY OTHER VERSE FOR 10 MINUTES EACH DAY.
III. The power of the holy spirit
A. Evangelism is not speech and debate. We do not try to “sell” Jesus with crafty or convincing words. Neither is it always about our nice actions or “good deeds” that win hearts for Jesus. Rather, when we evangelize, we want to be a vehicle for the power of the Holy Spirit to flow through us and capture the hearts of those who don’t know Him.
“and my speech and my message were not in plausible words of wisdom, but in demonstration of the Spirit and of power, that your faith might to rest in the wisdom of men but in the power of God” (1 Corinth 2:4-5)
Not by might nor by power, but by my Spirit,' says the LORD Almighty. (Zech. 4:6)
“For the Kingdom of God does not consist in talk but in power” (1 Corinth 4:20 ESV)
B. We must learn to walk and operate in the power and authority of the Holy Spirit. After Jesus ascended to heaven after His death, He left us with 11 broken people, and the Holy Spirit. Today there are over 2.1 billion Christians in the world. And that number is growing daily. Surely it wasn’t the fact that those 11 were amazing people. Surely it was more than just talk and good arguments and good preaching. It was the power of the Holy Spirit. And that power is inside you. Right now.
“But when the Helper comes, whom I sent to you from the Father, the Spirit of truth, who proceeds from the Father, he will bear witness about me/ And you also will bear witness, because you have been with me from the beginning.” (John 15:26-27 ESV)
“Little children, you are from God and have overcome them, for He who is in you is greater than he who is in the world” (1 John 4:4 ESV)
C. Jesus commands us to evangelize in the power of the Holy Spirit. There is nothing wrong with relational evangelism. Power evangelism goes hand in hand with relational evangelism. You need both. The Holy Spirit gives us boldness and power. He gives us all the tools we need. We are more than qualified! We don’t need any evangelism classes, training to be good at sharing Jesus’ love for others. Just look at the disciples!
“Go therefore and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, teaching them to observe all that I have commanded you. And behold, I am with you always, to the end of the age.” (Matthew 28: 19-20 ESV)
IV. story of the holy spirit
A. Before He left for heaven, Jesus told His disciples to wait for the Holy Spirit. So they waited.
"Do not leave Jerusalem, but wait for the gift my Father promised, which you have heard me speak about. 5For John baptized with water, but in a few days you will be baptized with the Holy Spirit."
6So when they met together, they asked him, "Lord, are you at this time going to restore the kingdom to Israel?"
7He said to them: "It is not for you to know the times or dates the Father has set by his own authority. 8But you will receive power when the Holy Spirit comes on you; and you will be my witnesses in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth." (Acts 1:4-8 NIV)
B. While waiting, the disciples became hungry to be filled by the Holy Spirit. So they were filled.
1When the day of Pentecost came, they were all together in one place. 2Suddenly a sound like the blowing of a violent wind came from heaven and filled the whole house where they were sitting.3They saw what seemed to be tongues of fire that separated and came to rest on each of them.4All of them were filled with the Holy Spirit and began to speak in other tongues[a] as the Spirit enabled them. (Acts 2:1-4 NIV)
C. Peter “tries out” the power of the Holy Spirit. He preaches a few words and 3,000 come to faith. Come on!
37When the people heard this, they were cut to the heart…41Those who accepted his message were baptized, and about three thousand were added to their number that day. (Acts 2:37, 41 NIV)
V. operating in the holy spirit
A. The Holy Spirit enables us to walk in the supernatural. That means we have the ability to heal. Let’s make the supernatural natural!
6Then Peter said, "Silver or gold I do not have, but what I have I give you. In the name of Jesus Christ of Nazareth, walk." 7Taking him by the right hand, he helped him up, and instantly the man's feet and ankles became strong. (Acts 3:6-7 NIV)
B. It is Jesus’ will for us to be able to walk in power and the supernatural, to do things even greater than Himself! Not just 2,000 years ago, but right now. That’s why He gave us the Holy Spirit! Because He knew that we couldn’t do it on our own strength! Jesus’ will is for heaven on earth. Do you know what heaven is like? Let’s bring that to earth. Right now!
12 "Most assuredly, I say to you, he who believes in Me, the works that I do he will do also; and greater works than these he will do, because I go to My Father. 13 And whatever you ask in My name, that I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. 14 If you ask anything in My name, I will do it. (John 14:12-14 NKJV)
9"This, then, is how you should pray: " 'Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name, 10your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. (Matt. 6:9-10 NIV)
30Stretch out your hand to heal and perform miraculous signs and wonders through the name of your holy servant Jesus." (Acts 4:30 NIV)
33With great power the apostles continued to testify to the resurrection of the Lord Jesus, and much grace was upon them all. (Acts 4:33 NIV)
7As you go, preach this message: 'The kingdom of heaven is near.' 8Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy,[b]drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. (Matt 10:7-8 NIV)
3So Paul and Barnabas spent considerable time there, speaking boldly for the Lord, who confirmed the message of his grace by enabling them to do miraculous signs and wonders. (Acts 14:3 NIV)
C. Just do it. When you see anyone who needs healing, physical or emotional, pray for them right on the spot and believe that God can empower you through the Holy Spirit for instant healing. The best prayers are the ones that are the shortest and simple, full of power and authority. That’s how Jesus prayed. My sample prayers are modeled after Jesus’ prayers:
1) Invite the Holy Spirit, because it’s by His power, not ours.
“Holy Spirit come. We welcome you here right now, Holy Spirit. We need you right now, Holy Spirit. Thank You, Holy Spirit”
2) Declare complete healing in the name of Jesus. Because it is by the work of victory in the cross, where Jesus conquered death, that enables us to have power over every sickness, disease, pain, struggle, suffering, negative thought that comes to us in this broken world. Pray as if you are declaring and commanding the disease/pain to leave. Pray with authority because Jesus gave it to us.
“In the name of Jesus, depression be gone right now! I command the spirit of depression to leave in the name of Jesus. Let the fullness of joy come in right now.”
“In Jesus’ name, ankle pain be gone right now. I declare complete healing in the ankle right now. Pain go away right now in the name of Jesus!”
D. Prayer is not about getting answers. When we don’t see results, do not get mad, offended or upset at God. Understand that God is still sovereign and His ways are always greater than our ways. When I pray for healing, I see way more failed attempts than I do successes. Many people pray for hundreds of people with no success, before they see healing occur. I took me 6 months of praying for sick people before I was able to heal someone. We pray not to see results, but because we want to try our best to partner with God in His intentions for this world. We pray for others because our main goal is to love them, not to heal them. If you pray for someone and they are not healed, but they leave the experience feeling more loved by God and by you, YOU ARE SUCCESSFUL.
HOMEWORK: BEGIN TO PRAY FOR ANYONE WHO NEEDS PRAYER, CHRISTIAN OR NON-CHRISTIAN. AND BELIEVE THAT THE POWER OF THE HOLY SPIRIT CAN BRING INSTANT HEALING.
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