heart cry

Jesus, so is this how it feels?
is this how your heart burns for me? is this the kind of firey passion that your heart burns for? all for me? Jesus, i can't believe it.
is this how much you think about me? is this how much i am on your mind? day and night, night and day?
is this how you long for me? is this how you yearn for me? is this how you long to see my face, to know my thoughts, and my desires?
is this how you long to spend time with me, just to be with me for a little longer?
is this how much you treasure the moments we spend together, and how much you enjoy just being with me?
is this the jealous love you have for me? is this the all consuming fire that is your love? the type of love that wants all of me for yourself? Jesus, that you will fight for my love, you will fight pursue me and fight off anything that keeps my heart from yours, even to the point of death so that my heart can be yours? and God, you won't stop fighting for me until you have it all. you won't relent until you have all my heart.
and Jesus, to know that you are pursuing me? that you are the pursuer in this relationship, that you have been the one to woo me into this love relationship? that you relentlessly pursue me, you run hard after me, you chase after me.
is this the love you have for me? who am i God, who am i? for you to love me so? for you to wait for me, even after all the times i have failed to recognize or embrace your presence? after all the times i've been too lazy or apathetic just to be with you?
who am i, for you to stand there, waiting, with arms wide open, just longing for that moment that i glance at you and your heart melts.
God, to know that i melt your heart when i gaze upon you? to know that I ravish your heart with just one glance of my eyes? that one glance of my distraction-ridden, unfaithful, broken, impatient, ever-skirting eyes, can move the heart of my Creator? who am i God, who am i?

asdfiojas;dlfsdflij

Jesus stumbles me

Jesus stumbles me. really badly. alot. alright, yes, girls can stumble me too. but just how much more does Jesus stumble me!

you have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride;
you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes.
song of songs 4:9

other translations are:
you have captivated my heart.
you have made my heart beat faster.
you have captured my heart.
you have stolen my heart.

these are all really powerful words that try to explain what goes on in our heart when we are in love.

but i like ravished the best.
what the heck is ravished? dictionary.com defines it as:

ravish (verb)
to fill with strong emotion, especially joy.

actually i don't really like that definition hah. it doesn't do the the word justice.

i have never heard of the word ravished. the only time i've ever heard it used is in this verse in the bible. i really feel like it's a really special word. it's what happens ONLY when we have a love encounter with God. you see, God's love is so powerful and good, that it ravishes us. it's sorta along the lines of ruining, messing up our heart so badly cause His love is so powerful and all-consuming fire, and it leaves us never the same, we are never the same when we encounter His love. cause no other love in the world can ravish our hearts. no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no material thing.

we can think we know love. what is love anyways? you think you know love? you do not know love until you know the One who is love, who is the One who from just one glance of His eyes, our hearts are filled with such strong emotion and joy and we are just so moved and our heart melts and is overwhelmed and is just about to explode because we are ENCOUNTERING THE VERY DEFINITION OF LOVE. surely it is much stronger than the butterflies we get in our stomach when you talk to that girl you have a crush on! cause every morning when i wait upon His presence i get so moved in my spirit that when i set my gaze upon His beauty my heart is about to burst cause i am gazing on the FACE THAT IS PERFECT LOVE with fire in His eyes and such passion for me and i can't even explain what my heart is feeling because my heart is being consumed by the fire of His love, it is so powerful that words cannot describe and His love has exceeded my capacity to experience emotions, His love has exceeded the limit of my human emotion and i realize i am only catching a glimpse of the fullness of Him that is love and i am ENTHRALLED and overwhelmed by how HE LOVES ME SO and how good He is and nothing else in the world matters anymore, i don't want to think about anything else because His jealous love has consumed me, God, don't hold back, pour it out, open Heaven, help me to take it all in, and just stay in this moment with you, just to be with you a little longer, God i don't want to do anything else or be anywhere else but right here with You, i just want to stay here forever, for eternity, cause this is who you created me to be, this is what you created me to feel, to experience, the purpose of my very existence. to be loved. forever.

how can i, stand here with you, and not be moved by you?

lovesick

"if you find my beloved, as to what you will tell him: for I am lovesick."
song of songs 5:8

what does it mean to be lovesick for Jesus? surely it is more than just a fancy word on my profile. urban dictionary says this:

love-sick (adj.)
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking on your love, having dreamt of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with one's love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.

YES! that is what it is! what a good description. too bad whoever wrote this was probably talking about being lovesick for like his girlfriend. haha. or like that girl you have a crush on but just too afraid to tell her. BUT anyways. funny how holy the definition sounds. it even mentions "consuming fire" of the heart. dang. if only our hearts were consumed with fire for Jesus the way it is consumed for our girlfriend. i mean not that girlfriends are bad. ANYWAYS. if we can feel this way about another person, how much more can i feel this way about my Creator? I am lovesick for Jesus. and i will strive always to be lovesick. nothing short. the end.

that makes a lot of sense. to be so in love with Jesus that i don't even function properly. that my life is wrecked, is ruined (of course, in such a good way) that it is no longer normal. my life has been so ruined that it is no longer normal. because in this world, normal just isn't good enough. normal means we live to go to school, graduate, get an average job, get our white picket fence and 2.5 children, to retire and die. in this broken world, normal means a life that suffers from depression, loneliness, sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, emptiness. normal means seeking after things and relationships in this world only to find out that they do not satisfy. normal means seeking out love that fails us and rejects us. and all we can do is cry.

my life has been ruined. i find myself waking up thinking about Him, before i sleep. i think about Him when i brush my teeth, and many moments when i shower. i daydream with Him as i take the bus to school, He speaks to me as i study. i chat with Him when i eat lunch, and even more when i drive. He goes running with me, and the same goes for each lap i swim in the pool. He speaks to me as i study. We go on dates, and i cook with Him all the time. He is the last person i talk to before i sleep, even as i yearn for Him to speak to me in my dreams. He is so near. a moment with Him is sometimes just not enough, as i yearn to spend eternity with Him.

a few weeks ago marked the 1-year anniversary of this blog. haha wow. yay! what a year! i thought i was such a girl to be blogging. but its okay. i enjoy ranting on this thing and if anyone is interested in what i am saying then they can read. but my intentions one year ago are still the same today. i pray that through this blog and my silly words, people can have a love encounter with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. haha it's silly i have been praying for you. yes you. yes, it might sound lame, but i pray for people who read my blog. that you may know the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3
i pray that my blog speak life and encouragement. i pray that a glimpse of my life gives hope to love Jesus more.

reflecting made me realize how much i have grown in loving Jesus. but at the same time as i dive deeper into the depths of His love i realize how much i lack the capacity to experience the fullness of His love. i realize just how much i fall short in loving Him the way He loves me. i get frustrated and bothered so much when i can't love Him well. every time i feel like i got everything down in loving Him, i realize i fail in another area. BUT IT IS SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO BE.

it troubles me when i find a weakness in my love. to be lovesick means to be wounded in my heart to love Him. i want to love Him more. there is a pain in my heart to give myself more fully to Him. i want to pay attention to this holy pain in my heart. its a pain where i cry out, "God, i want to give you my all but i have not done it faithfully. i want to experience your all but i do not have the capacity to experience your all. but i will do whatever is necessary to give myself fully, to receive you fully, this is my life dream."

~~~

this summer has been about the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT. GAH. the Holy Spirit is not just for charismatics. let's get it right. we are in the age of the Holy Spirit. after Jesus died on the cross and left the earth, all He left was the Holy Spirit. we can't pretend that it doesn't exist, or downplay His importance, or doubt that we can love Jesus without any relationship with the third Person that is the Holy Spirit. so come Holy Spirit.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
1) speak to me Holy Spirit. listening to the voice of God, the prophetic
2) physical healing: just do it. boldness to pray for the sick.
3) asking for visions and dreams every night before i sleep. it works!

just for kicks, 3 things:
1) power for prayer
2) power for healing
3) things that do not make sense will make sense. (as in my life calling). God will be open doors

His gift of the day

May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
rom. 15:13

so the mommy gave this verse to me a few months ago. it was on my wall for 2 quarters. and a few days ago, this verse came back. and now it's on andy's job description of spiritual director. hehe.

what does this verse mean? there's so many good words in it. and there's so many ways you can read it. try emphasizing each word in color and you can like write like 9 different sermons just on this one verse. haha! (yes, that is what i think about when i read the bible...not.)

like before, this verse meant to me that our God is a God of hope. hope when emotions, seasons, circumstances are hopeless. today when i was reading it while eating by myself next to biomed, (the highlight of my day) the word was fill. to be filled with Him. hmm. yes. to be filled with joy, peace, and the power of the Holy Spirit. mmm. delicious.

and joy. peace. trust. sounds like Jesus.

and it doesn't stop there: that we may overflow as a result of our soul-filling of Him. with joy. peace. trusting in Him. and as we overflow, we overflow power. Jesus gives us power. power that is not of ourselves, but of Him. of His Holy Spirit. the power to love Him, to love others when we have none. to love deeply in a way we cannot. the power to persevere and press into Him when we are doubtful. the power to love Jesus the way the Father loves Jesus. the power to be joyful when life is mundane. the power to heal. to affirm. to be Jesus to those who need Him. the power to bring usher in the Kingdom of God into a broken world. the power to restore what has been broken. the power to do His will, to usher in Heaven on earth. the power to Kingdom come for His will be done. on earth as in Heaven.

that gives me something to set my gaze on.

thanks Jesus.

~~~

by the way there's a verbal reasoning section for the MCAT and you have to read passages and one of the first sentences reads like this:

Those who opine lose their impunity when the circumstances in which they pontificate are such that generate from their expression a positive instigation of some mischievous act.

i didn't get one word of that sentence. did you? help me, God.

video

God is the same yesterday today and forever.

eyes on Jesus

disclaimer. a lot of my entries aren't meant to be read. they are there just so i can process/rant, and perhaps declare the goodness of God somehow. this is one of them.

i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.

the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.

studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.

yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.

the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.

but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.

too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?

wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.

Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.

enjoy

this is my family! i miss them alot. haha. God has blessed me sooo much with family. with mommy, daddy, brother rick and sister alicia. i'm soo blessed with good family. i'm so blessed to be able to come home to a family of people who love me in such a deep way. i think especially today, not to many people can come home to such a loving family. not to say that my family is perfect.

but it's really amazing what the power of Jesus' love can do. it took Jesus to heal brokenness. it transforms brokenness and turns it into beauty. it transforms hurt, rejection, anger, and turns it into love, a profound love that transcends our imperfections, our flaws. it is a deep sense of love that will always exist no matter what happens.

they are a lot of fun.

brother rick likes to work out. his muscles are really big. i go lifting with him and he spots me and i lift these dinky weights and he's pumping weights the size of car tires. he encouragingly pushes me until i'm sore for an entire week. when we go running i'm always one step ahead of him as i push him a bit harder. it's a pretty cool connection

sister alicia secretly likes me alot but just doesn't want to admit it. HAHA just kidding. she's probably reading this as well. HELLO ALICIA. cause she likes to stalk my facebook and laugh at my ridiculous pictures and complains how it seems like i don't study in college and all i do is eat cause all of my pictures have me eating in them. i brag to her how i'm more popular with all my facebook pictures and she has none. she just laughs cause she thinks i'm such a loser and doesn't believe that i can make any friends HAHA cause of my no manners when i eat and burping in her face and stuff like that. i like to make her laugh. oh yea and she secretly likes it when i take her to every single one of her soccer practices. or when i take her and her friends out to lunch. and i know she secretly admires me and the music i listen to. the other day i was playing tim be told in my car and she was laughing about how i listen to uncool music. until her friend walks into the car the next day and starts singing along and the next day she guilty-ly asks me for the songs. HAHA

and the mother. mommy is pretty cool. i guess i am pretty much a momma's boy. she is everything that i want to be. a mom that walks in the power and love of the Holy Spirit. to radiate Jesus to each patient she sees (she's a nurse). i'm so thankful God put her in my life to be so much to me--a mother, a mentor, a friend, and so much more. to have the privilege to pray together, for her to speak so much life into me.

the father. daddy works so hard. although it's hard cause he talks about money a lot he works hard because he loves me. he is responsible because he only wants the best for me. he travels 3 weeks every month, jet lag and all because he loves me. i couldn't have asked for more.

ahhh i just realized that this is the second time i've talked about my family on this thing. HAHA oh well i'm gonna post it anyways cause i just spent half an hour writing this.

value relationships deeply. relationships are not about the end, but the journey in between. it's like our relationship with Jesus. we don't live for heaven. rather, we live for our day by day walking in the fullness of His presence, constant fellowship with Him.

more waiting upon God has been good. it enables me to be present to God's presence. to be aware of His presence around me not only in the morning as i wait upon Him but to be able to bring that into every aspect of the rest of my day. it's what keeps my passion going. to study His passion for me. His affections for me. to be reminded that I am royalty. I am His favorite one. to sit and enjoy.