deep thoughts

my blog lacks deep thoughts.
so i will try to blog some deep thoughts. for the sake of a good friend.
confession: i end up putting a lot more time in writing my blogs than i originally intend to
cliffs on a sunny day is pretty much the most beautifulest place to run to. thank you Jesus for your creation.
i am wearing black socks right now. i love black socks cause if they get dirty then no one (including myself) knows.
almond milk tea is better than regular milk tea
i did laundry today. the reason is cause i ran out of underwear...like 4 days ago...which means...yeah...but it's okay. boxers can be flipped inside out and used twice. and i'm a pretty clean person..
i'm really hungry right now. i'm always hungry.
and
i have really really reeeallly good friends.
i love my mom. especially the emails she sends me. and the verse she gave me today:

numbers 6:24-26
The LORD bless you
and keep you;
the LORD make his face shine upon you
and be gracious to you;
the LORD turn his face toward you
and give you peace

ahh i can dwell on that all day.

i am pretty shameful. i get shy really easy.
but then again, i guess i am pretty shameless. maybe cause i am satisfied with the way Jesus made me: fearfully and wonderfully made. i can burp really loud and not be shameful. or have my stomach rumble really loud during a physics quiz. or eat alot like a human garbage disposal. or skip. like a girl. or dance. in ways that i shouldn't be.
but i think more important is to be shameless. for Jesus. like when pouring into my freshmen, and not give them a watered-down Jesus. or inviting them to a random praise night. or challenging them in uncomfortable ways. or being shameless during worship. and dance. and not care about the people around me. not to fear man but fear God alone.

Jesus culture has a really good song. its called happy day:
oh happy day
you washed my sins away
i will never be the same again
i am forever changed

it sounds like a reeally good song to start each day of my life. to be reminded by how He loves me so.
remind me Abba.

break me God.
breaking and molding
i find you beautiful Jesus.
may i allow myself to be loved.
i receive it

Jesus, give me a:
fresh passion
fresh thirst
fresh hunger
daily.

i, want to play,
the strings of your heart, God
come play the strings of mine.
i, want to sing, straight to your heart God,
come sing straight to mine.

Lord, you have my heart,
and i am searching, for yours

a heart to heart connection.
sooo intimate.
seal it upon my heart God.

i set my gaze,
on the sight of Your face,
always, always.

there must be more than this.
don't hold back God.

where i belong

ahh studying for ochem always gives me an incentive to write on this thing.
it's like my vent of all the junks and frustration ochem brings into me. haha story of my life.
its been too long i need to write something.

mmm hillsong...
we run to your throne where we belong
every heart will sing
that Jesus is Lord
casting all else aside
for the joy of our Christ
let your glory fall
our hearts are filled with your fire

i'm running to you, God. i'm coming back again and again.
i'm on my knees God.
i'm crying out to you.
i will do whatever it takes to come back to you
let nothing get in my way.
especially my sefishness
may i decrease
Jesus, may you increase

no God, I will not settle.
Jesus, may I not settle, for a mediocre prayer life,
for a mediocre bible study,
for a mediocre relationship with you,
I will not settle
for ANYTHING short of loving you with all my heart, soul, strength and mind

a world changer. for Jesus.

i belong only in one place.
in Jesus' embrace

prayer

at the beginning of the school year, i prayed for 1 thing: that i may be able to have intimacy with Jesus. i asked God to do whatever it takes to help me be obtain this intimacy, a passion for Him so relentless that it could not be held back.

be careful what you pray for, cause, well knowing God, it just might happen.

God really did whatever it took to find a way back into my heart. after a pretty funky quarter, using the most unexpected circumstances, i feel like God's finally bringing me into a place of intimacy. and now, once again, each day to sit in His presence and feel His closeness. and to enjoy it. to know nearness the nearness of his breath. to upon the beauty of the Lord. to let the light of His face shine down upon me. to fellowship with God every minute of my life, and with every breath i take, embrace a lifestyle of constant prayer, to regain a heart of praise. a type of worship not based on circumstances but on the sheer goodness, sovereignty, and splendor of our King.

and to embrace prayer like never before. beyond the 21 days of the IV commitment. to humble myself, to get on my knees and cry out to my lover, my creator, my Father. because He has been waiting for me. so i will come running to Him. to return to that quiet place once again. to know his embrace once again.

to become so desperate for God for my own intimacy, for my freshmen, for IV, for UCSD. to set the world on fire. for Jesus.

Jesus, give me dove's eyes. give me undistracted devotion, for only You. God, do not let the things of this world get in the way of my gaze for you alone.

i want to fall in love with Jesus once again.

i've challenged my freshmen with the same.

lifetime intercessor.
well, if prayer is as essential as breathing, why not?

09

i have the most random dreams sometimes. but most of the time i don't remember them. and they aren't like spiritual or anything. but had a dream last night. it wasn't like a divine dream like Jesus speaking to me or angels, no bright light from heaven or anything. if i hadn't reflected on it during QT in the morning i probably would've passed it off as nothing. but in the morning i was waiting upon God and really felt like God was speaking to me through this dream. cause i've been asking God for what He wants to do with me this year. there's so much that i would like, the list would be endless.

anyways the dream was like i was in church or some prayer group and i was praying out loud but all i was saying were words of praise, the declarations we do at forerunner church:
Hallelujah, Hallelujah, Hallelujah!
Jehovah, my strength, I love You!
i remember repeating that over and over again and again.

this year i want to embrace a heart of praise. to praise God would acknowledge His existence, His nearness, His everlasting goodness. to verbally praise Him more throughout my daily life, for big things and small, to trust in His goodness. to change my way of thinking and replace it with His way of thinking. to know His good and perfect plans and intentions for me. not to see situations of this world through my eyes, but through God's eyes, on what is unseen, which is always good. to replace my short-sightedness with God's eternal will and plans. and even if my circumstances may not change, I may change how i approach them, to see how God wants to bless me through everything. to praise would reflect the joy of the Lord that lives in me, a joy that i can no longer hold inside me it just overflows. to live a life of joy to the point where people say it and think, "i want what he has!" to actually live a life of faith that reflects the Jesus inside of me.

the Spirit of the Sovereign Lord is on me...
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor...
to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes,
the oil of gladness instead of mourning,
and a garment of praise instead of despair
isaiah 61:3

to praise would be to worship Jesus always, to trust Him always. not just when things are going well, not only when life is good. but to have a faith in God not based on emotions, or whether i feel like worshiping or not, but to know God's intimate love for me is the same yesterday today and forever.

also Jesus give me:
childlike faith. simple faith
greater thirst. a fresh thirst daily.
to fall deeply in love with You.

Jesus be my only satisfaction.

identity

booooo
i still struggle with my insecurities with my identity.
i still find myself seeking the approval of others, to be liked by others, how others see me, and let that consume me.
i still find myself consumed with thoughts of this world, of my identity in the eyes of man when i should be more concerned about my identity in Jesus alone.
i still find submitting to the little tuggings of my selfish desires to become appealing on the outside to others.
i still find myself seeking that one approving comment from one person to satisfy me, to bring that one last bit of inner joy and boost to my self-value, at least for a while. but then i need more of it. and the cycle repeats. its like an addiction. to be loved. by others. love that i can see.

God, why am i so foolish?
help me to set my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen
why do i continue living as a slave like to my identity in the view of this world and in man?
help me to be loved by YOU.
Jesus, i want not to fear man, but to fear YOU alone.
Jesus, tug on my heart to set my eyes on the open heavens. on my identity as royalty. as your beloved prince.
and as your beloved prince, to live just as that, a life with no bondages, but freely as your beloved.
Jesus, i know i am your beloved son. and how much you love me.
help me to know that is more than enough.

~~~

on another note, this randomly came up today.
i'm really realizing that sometimes, ministry sometimes isn't satisfying. a lotta times i feel like i pour out so much. and at the end of the day, i feel unsatisfied. i sorta expected some sense of accomplishment i guess, or some feeling of success. but i realize that that there will always be more people that i need to love, always more people that need to spend time with and pour into. a neverending cycle.
which is why i love with the love that Jesus has first loved me. not to love for the sake of loving, or because i am a dorm team "leader", but to love because He first loved me. not to see love as a burden to do what is right but because i simply can't help it. becuase i know and have experienced this great kind of love from God that it overflows.
I want to relentlessly love others and never become tired of it because i know my identity as His beloved, and how much He loves me.

but alotta times i need to be reminded of His love for me.
i need to allow Him to be able to pour His love into me, and recieve it.
i need to be reminded of my idenity as His beloved son.
until then, i simply have run out of love.

happy birthday, Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScT3QE_XtNA

ahh when i first watched this video like a month ago, i cried. 

i feel like my christmas, alotta times, becomes overshadowed by gifts, lots of food, and ski trips and shopping. which is totally fine, cause well, dude. i like to eat. and presents aren't bad either. haha. 

but where is Jesus? well duh, christmas is the birth of Jesus. but it's more than that. i mean Jesus' birthday is pretty much the most important birthday ever. like more important than all the gifts and birthday surprises we do for our friends. even i forget that sometimes. 

this video really breathes the presence of Jesus. it touches my heart. it brings the classical nativity scene to life. like how determined mary and joseph were to find a place to stay. and how there was no room for them. anywhere. kinda like my heart, and how a lotta times, its so distracted and has no room for Jesus to come in and dwell and find a resting place. but Jesus' love is relentless. He doesn't stop trying. and as i give in, He always finds a way into my heart.

and joseph's urgency and desperation to find a place, even if it was in a filthy manger. who is this king of glory? God of the universe, born in a dirty barnhouse thingy with hay and poop and other junks. no good.

and when baby Jesus was born, the beam light that shone from the sky. just the sense of God's favor and glory shining down from heaven, upon joseph and mary and the entire scene. the joy on mary and joseph's face, as the wisemen and shepherds were captivated and drawn to that bright beam, which really felt like a little opening of heaven. the beginning of open heaven, as Jesus ushers in the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. the beginning of an end to all suffering, sin, pain, condemnation on earth. a scene words cannot describe.

so beautiful

this is the birth of the Jesus i live for.

the Jesus that loves me and lives inside me,

the Jesus, who 33 years later, died on the cross for me.

the Jesus i gave my life to,

my king,

the Jesus i love so much.

Jesus, 

so worthy, 

to sing hallelujah, 

at the top of my lungs

happy birthday, Jesus

home

so right now i am sitting on the couch watching the chinese news with my mom

i just took a walk with my mom and dad. and my dog buddy. he's wearing this t-shirt thing that says "santa's helper". what a clown. he's so silly. 

it's freaking cold in norcal. it doesn't help that its raining. i don't ever remembering it be this cold. its the worst when you wake up in the morning and anywhere not under your covers feels like antarctica.

and putting on cold jeans is like the worst feeling ever.

and my mom is the best cook. on the face of this planet. hands down. ever.

home is good

agh it sorta hit me the other day before church. that every time i go home, not only do i take a break from school, but it's almost like i take a small break from God. i dunno why. yea, i still go to church. i still read. i still pray. but they feel less genuine. i really have to push myself to seek out God.

Lord, during this break, help me to seek you even more desparately, to have the patience to waith for your presence more than ever before.

this break God, 

more than ever before,

help me to sit at your feet 

to love on you

all the days of my life

all the days of my life