identity

booooo
i still struggle with my insecurities with my identity.
i still find myself seeking the approval of others, to be liked by others, how others see me, and let that consume me.
i still find myself consumed with thoughts of this world, of my identity in the eyes of man when i should be more concerned about my identity in Jesus alone.
i still find submitting to the little tuggings of my selfish desires to become appealing on the outside to others.
i still find myself seeking that one approving comment from one person to satisfy me, to bring that one last bit of inner joy and boost to my self-value, at least for a while. but then i need more of it. and the cycle repeats. its like an addiction. to be loved. by others. love that i can see.

God, why am i so foolish?
help me to set my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen
why do i continue living as a slave like to my identity in the view of this world and in man?
help me to be loved by YOU.
Jesus, i want not to fear man, but to fear YOU alone.
Jesus, tug on my heart to set my eyes on the open heavens. on my identity as royalty. as your beloved prince.
and as your beloved prince, to live just as that, a life with no bondages, but freely as your beloved.
Jesus, i know i am your beloved son. and how much you love me.
help me to know that is more than enough.

~~~

on another note, this randomly came up today.
i'm really realizing that sometimes, ministry sometimes isn't satisfying. a lotta times i feel like i pour out so much. and at the end of the day, i feel unsatisfied. i sorta expected some sense of accomplishment i guess, or some feeling of success. but i realize that that there will always be more people that i need to love, always more people that need to spend time with and pour into. a neverending cycle.
which is why i love with the love that Jesus has first loved me. not to love for the sake of loving, or because i am a dorm team "leader", but to love because He first loved me. not to see love as a burden to do what is right but because i simply can't help it. becuase i know and have experienced this great kind of love from God that it overflows.
I want to relentlessly love others and never become tired of it because i know my identity as His beloved, and how much He loves me.

but alotta times i need to be reminded of His love for me.
i need to allow Him to be able to pour His love into me, and recieve it.
i need to be reminded of my idenity as His beloved son.
until then, i simply have run out of love.