God is the same yesterday today and forever.
7.18.2009
7.07.2009
eyes on Jesus
disclaimer. a lot of my entries aren't meant to be read. they are there just so i can process/rant, and perhaps declare the goodness of God somehow. this is one of them.
i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.
the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.
studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.
yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.
the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.
but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.
too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?
wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.
Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.
i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.
the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.
studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.
yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.
the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.
but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.
too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?
wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.
Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.
7.04.2009
enjoy
this is my family! i miss them alot. haha. God has blessed me sooo much with family. with mommy, daddy, brother rick and sister alicia. i'm soo blessed with good family. i'm so blessed to be able to come home to a family of people who love me in such a deep way. i think especially today, not to many people can come home to such a loving family. not to say that my family is perfect.but it's really amazing what the power of Jesus' love can do. it took Jesus to heal brokenness. it transforms brokenness and turns it into beauty. it transforms hurt, rejection, anger, and turns it into love, a profound love that transcends our imperfections, our flaws. it is a deep sense of love that will always exist no matter what happens.
they are a lot of fun.
brother rick likes to work out. his muscles are really big. i go lifting with him and he spots me and i lift these dinky weights and he's pumping weights the size of car tires. he encouragingly pushes me until i'm sore for an entire week. when we go running i'm always one step ahead of him as i push him a bit harder. it's a pretty cool connection
sister alicia secretly likes me alot but just doesn't want to admit it. HAHA just kidding. she's probably reading this as well. HELLO ALICIA. cause she likes to stalk my facebook and laugh at my ridiculous pictures and complains how it seems like i don't study in college and all i do is eat cause all of my pictures have me eating in them. i brag to her how i'm more popular with all my facebook pictures and she has none. she just laughs cause she thinks i'm such a loser and doesn't believe that i can make any friends HAHA cause of my no manners when i eat and burping in her face and stuff like that. i like to make her laugh. oh yea and she secretly likes it when i take her to every single one of her soccer practices. or when i take her and her friends out to lunch. and i know she secretly admires me and the music i listen to. the other day i was playing tim be told in my car and she was laughing about how i listen to uncool music. until her friend walks into the car the next day and starts singing along and the next day she guilty-ly asks me for the songs. HAHA
and the mother. mommy is pretty cool. i guess i am pretty much a momma's boy. she is everything that i want to be. a mom that walks in the power and love of the Holy Spirit. to radiate Jesus to each patient she sees (she's a nurse). i'm so thankful God put her in my life to be so much to me--a mother, a mentor, a friend, and so much more. to have the privilege to pray together, for her to speak so much life into me.
the father. daddy works so hard. although it's hard cause he talks about money a lot he works hard because he loves me. he is responsible because he only wants the best for me. he travels 3 weeks every month, jet lag and all because he loves me. i couldn't have asked for more.
ahhh i just realized that this is the second time i've talked about my family on this thing. HAHA oh well i'm gonna post it anyways cause i just spent half an hour writing this.
value relationships deeply. relationships are not about the end, but the journey in between. it's like our relationship with Jesus. we don't live for heaven. rather, we live for our day by day walking in the fullness of His presence, constant fellowship with Him.
more waiting upon God has been good. it enables me to be present to God's presence. to be aware of His presence around me not only in the morning as i wait upon Him but to be able to bring that into every aspect of the rest of my day. it's what keeps my passion going. to study His passion for me. His affections for me. to be reminded that I am royalty. I am His favorite one. to sit and enjoy.
6.28.2009
learning
confession: i've been working on this post for....3 days now. haha i never have the time to finish it aoidfja;oja;sldfi
i've been learning alot these days.
1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?
i am called to be a lover of God.
yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.
time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.
my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
my dream is:
I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.
but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.
mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.
my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?
2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.
3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.
4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.
5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.
6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life
7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.
8) treasure relationships deeply
9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.
10) treasure friendships deeply
11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.
i'm still learning.
i've been learning alot these days.
1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?
i am called to be a lover of God.
yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.
time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.
my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
my dream is:
I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.
but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.
mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.
my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?
2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.
3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.
4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.
5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.
6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life
7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.
8) treasure relationships deeply
9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.
10) treasure friendships deeply
11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.
i'm still learning.
6.18.2009
onething
onething Jesus.
it's the freaking web address to this blog. there was a point where i thought the phrase was really cheesy and something i borrowed from IHOP. but i'm finally beginning to realize the magnitude of this concept to my faith, to my life. i'm realizing the impact psalm 27:4 has on my life, what i strive for, what makes my heart beat. it's what i was created for. that i live for intimacy. Jesus, give me intimacy or give me death. i would rather die than live a lukewarm life. God, i live for onething: to be intimate with You, Jesus. to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God, how i live to gaze upon Your beauty. God, how my eyes were created for onething: to gaze upon your beauty. Jesus, take my eyes off anything that is not You. ministry can even wait. how can i serve when i don't even know the one i'm serving? how can i get caught up in activities and "doing" when i don't even recognize the face of the one i love?
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you, oh Jesus,
and make you known.
intimacy is: our hearts open to the Holy Spirit, to allow Jesus to dwell. it is a sense of knowing God's nearness around us every moment of our conscious awareness. it is a posture of welcoming the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, every moment. intimacy is a sense of desire, to know the Father's heart, the way He knows ours.
waiting upon God is: a longing to wait for His presence, to sit and be still and know His presence is near and upon us. it is a longing to see the beauty of His face. it is sitting in silence, purging our minds of everything but Jesus. to be captivated. it is an exercise of faith, of aligning our hearts with His heart, trading our brokenness for His righteousness. from glory to glory.
God, give me the right heart posture. one that truly, genuinely desires You. one that welcomes You, yearns for You, moans, groans, and desires You. give me a heart like david. a heart that longs to behold your beauty. a heart that hungers and thirsts and will not get rest until i know it is aligned with You to dwell. refine my heart God, set my heart ablaze for You. come Holy Spirit. i love You Jesus.
Jesus says:
heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
where is the house you will build for me?
where will my resting place be?
-is. 66:1
I say to Him:
here oh Lord
have i prepared for you a home
long have i desired for you to dwell
here oh Lord
have i prepared a resting place
here oh Lord
i wait for you alone
God, fill me with your presence.
Jesus, fill me with your Holy Spirit.
never, ever, anything less, God.
it's the freaking web address to this blog. there was a point where i thought the phrase was really cheesy and something i borrowed from IHOP. but i'm finally beginning to realize the magnitude of this concept to my faith, to my life. i'm realizing the impact psalm 27:4 has on my life, what i strive for, what makes my heart beat. it's what i was created for. that i live for intimacy. Jesus, give me intimacy or give me death. i would rather die than live a lukewarm life. God, i live for onething: to be intimate with You, Jesus. to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God, how i live to gaze upon Your beauty. God, how my eyes were created for onething: to gaze upon your beauty. Jesus, take my eyes off anything that is not You. ministry can even wait. how can i serve when i don't even know the one i'm serving? how can i get caught up in activities and "doing" when i don't even recognize the face of the one i love?
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you, oh Jesus,
and make you known.
intimacy is: our hearts open to the Holy Spirit, to allow Jesus to dwell. it is a sense of knowing God's nearness around us every moment of our conscious awareness. it is a posture of welcoming the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, every moment. intimacy is a sense of desire, to know the Father's heart, the way He knows ours.
waiting upon God is: a longing to wait for His presence, to sit and be still and know His presence is near and upon us. it is a longing to see the beauty of His face. it is sitting in silence, purging our minds of everything but Jesus. to be captivated. it is an exercise of faith, of aligning our hearts with His heart, trading our brokenness for His righteousness. from glory to glory.
God, give me the right heart posture. one that truly, genuinely desires You. one that welcomes You, yearns for You, moans, groans, and desires You. give me a heart like david. a heart that longs to behold your beauty. a heart that hungers and thirsts and will not get rest until i know it is aligned with You to dwell. refine my heart God, set my heart ablaze for You. come Holy Spirit. i love You Jesus.
Jesus says:
heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
where is the house you will build for me?
where will my resting place be?
-is. 66:1
I say to Him:
here oh Lord
have i prepared for you a home
long have i desired for you to dwell
here oh Lord
have i prepared a resting place
here oh Lord
i wait for you alone
God, fill me with your presence.
Jesus, fill me with your Holy Spirit.
never, ever, anything less, God.
ack! so much to write
ahhh its been a while. alot has happened!
finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.
interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.
i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif
ack enough of that.
but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.
You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.
and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.
and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.
~~~
so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.
okay here we go:
i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.
i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.
okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!
finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.
interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.
i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif
ack enough of that.
but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.
You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.
and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.
and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.
~~~
so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.
okay here we go:
i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.
i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.
okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!
6.11.2009
this is the desktop wallpaper on my computer
it's been my desktop for over sixth months now. and for me, that's like a world record because i get bored easily with the appearance of things especially like gmail (praise the Lord for all the variety of themes) and usually change my desktop wallpaper at least once every week. it's like i have ADD or something. woe is me.but i don't think i'm gonna change this wallpaper for a while. probably never. we will see. it conveys an image that i hold very close to my heart. when some people see my wallpaper they are like "oh eric, you are so holy!" and stuff like that but it's not like i'm trying to be holy or anything. it's quite simple. i really love Jesus. and there's no other face i'd rather see than His face. hence, His face on my desktop.
i mean, some people put a picture of their boyfriend/girlfriend, but for me, it's Jesus. hooray! i have Jesus.
but this picture really means alot to me. it is what i live for. it is my purpose in life. when life gets really hectic, when the days fly by, i still need to remember my identity, why i am even put on this earth, why i was created, why i even exist. that i live not for the present, not what is in front of me, but for what is unseen, what is eternal. that one day, i can come face to face with my Lover, my Creator, the one who ravishes my heart, the one whom i yearn for every moment of my life. that i live for one thing, to achieve the prize, to hear Him say welcome home, son, and to give me that embrace, an embrace i have gotten tastes of, oh but i can only begin to imagine what it would be like in heaven!
there are so many images in this picture. first off, the look on His face. it's a mixture of joy, of relief, of comfort, of peace. a yearning finally fulfilled. cause how long He has been waiting for me! that I have finally come home. a look of deep, passionate love.
and i'm in this picture as well! haha. i can only begin to imagine what my face would look like on the other side. probably just a mess. haha. i don't think words can describe it. a mixture of ecstatic joy, so overwhelmed with love beyond my spirit can bear. and as i am in His embrace all my mind can think of is how He loves me so.
and so many other things. in heaven i find Him in all his completeness. the Father's hands welcoming home. the dove, the Holy Spirit descending upon me. Jesus in my embrace. ahhhhhasidfoja;osifdjsd;
and the rainbow. mommy always says the rainbow is a symbol of God's promise. like after he flooded the earth God sent a rainbow as a promise to Noah. and the rainbow is God's promise to me. that this is my purpose: eric fan shi was created for one thing: to love and be loved. that while i am on this earth, as i seek Him and love Him with all my heart soul strength and mind, this is what i will be striving for.
now that gives me a reason to wake up and praise the Lord. even if that means waking up to sit on my butt in the same old room in the same old spot and study and stare at C's and H's and dashes for 15 hours straight. for 5 days straight. well maybe with some breaks.
but this is what i put my hope in. when i get so overwhelmed this is what i hold on to. every breath i take. every moment i'm awake. this is my heartbeat.
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