distractions.
are plenty.
the burdens of a student, graduating sooner than i thought, the burdens and flashy/cool things He's doing in my ministry as a lover of Jesus on this campus, the complications of...relationships. all these things tug at my heart and it's a war, a battle where these things seem like an attempt to rob me of my devotion to the LORD.
yet i know He still wants to be a part of all the "stuff" in my life. how to bring Him more fully into it, i have yet to perfect. anyways, that isn't the point of this post.
distractions.
it's like a thorn in my flesh, to remind myself that i am only human. that my love is weak. broken, imperfect, easily distracted. that my love is easily compromises...
yet still lovely.
my desire for a wholehearted pursuit of the LORD, an undivided heart is plagued by the things of this world which seem to rob me from my dove's-eyes abandonment to my Lover. i'm starting to realize that it's a daily struggle where i must pick up my cross daily, to say no to my selfish desires and to follow Jesus in wholehearted abandonment. it's a burning hatred of the things that keep me from loving Him, an annoyance at my compromise, and the weakness of my flesh.
and oh, those foxes. those foxes that weasel their way into my garden. maybe i should start building a cement wall. that ought to keep them out.
oh, the art of losing myself! to be purged. to be consumed by His all-consuming fire. His jealous flame of love. to be burnt as i pursue Holy. to die to gain it all. death to myself. NO compromise. NO to the things which hinder Love to wholeheartedly pursue Love.
OH LORD, WOULD YOU GIVE ME GRACE TO WALK IN LOVE! please?
sometimes i want to escape this world. it's almost a very selfish desire where i want to escape it all and go to a distant place. a garden perhaps, where there isn't anyone around, a place where i don't have to worry about a thing in the world and it's just me and Him and there i can set my gaze upon Him. it would be a very safe place. a very easy place. a place where i can be surrounded by His light and hide from all the compromise, the temptations, and every other lover that attempts to steal my devotion. distraction free. oh happy day.
~~~
recently, He's given me an obsession. it's an obsession to...gaze. i want to see His eyes. eyes which blaze with fire, with desire and longing. if i was given a whole day to spend with Him, i just might do that. just sit and gaze into His eyes. to lock eyes with Love and...
behold.
i want to behold Beauty. i want to behold His face. i'm confident that my eyes were created for that purpose--to gaze on Beauty. i absolutely refuse to settle until i achieve that.when i arrive at eternity's shore where death is just a memory and tears are no more i'll enter in as the wedding bells ring Your bride will come together, and i'll sing, You're beautiful.~~~
i'm tired. i'm tired of the doing. when will i ever learn to be? i don't know Love well enough. every time i stretch myself i find myself retreating back to the secret place. perhaps i am selfish. perhaps i am weak and i just want Him all for myself. perhaps i lack compassion and an evangelistic drive. perhaps i lack the Father's heart for the lost. perhaps i lack mission and a desire for the nations.
but i know one thing: i must have Him.
