i watched 2012 on my laptop last night (my mom told me to take a study break) because i have this weird fascination with the end of the world (the term is called eschatology). it was interesting to see how people react when they realize that the end of the world is here and they are gonna die. it was actually kind of fun (should it be sad?) to watch people panic and scream and in and jump off cliffs in desperation and stuff like that. apparently, i discovered that when the end of the world has come, people react 3 different ways:
1) try to survive and do whatever you can to save your own life (yea you try running away from a 1000 foot tsuanmi)
2) accept the fact that the end of the world is here and there is nothing you could do to stop the fact that you are gonna die very soon. therefore, call your loved ones or, if you are with your loved ones, [finally] come to the realization that all of life comes down to love, and hug them, get hit by the tsunami, and die together.
3) (the most interesting response) turn to religion. whether it is Buddhism, Christianity, Islam, when people realize that the end of the world is here, they realize that they are not all-powerful after all (too bad it took the end of the world for them to realize that), rather, that things happen in this world that are beyond our control. so we have to turn to some divine force.
anyways, to my point.
so i was having lunch with a good friend of mine at CV (who might be reading this right now) and we had an awesome conversation and one of the many (deep) things that came up was about how our human experience of reality (and life itself) is limited. my point is, i (sadly) think that most people in this world are satisfied with knowing that the purpose of our existence is to live a good life, enjoy it, be free to make as much (or as little) of it as you would like, and die. it's interesting that it sometimes takes things (like the end of the world) or even personal crises (family death) to make us stop and think, what is the purpose of life? what does all of life come down to? what really matters in life? is there is more to life than we realized? with all these world disasters happening right now, more and more are asking the same questions.
well, YES. let me be the first to tell you that there is more to life. i know because i've experienced it. unfortunately, our human perception of reality is only limited to our experiences. so as someone who has experienced more to life, i am here to tell you (especially if you haven't had an experience) that there IS more to life. even more so, what i am talking about isn't necessarily an experience, but an encounter. you see, our life is based upon experiences. some can have some effect on us (i.e. sky-diving) but some can have no effect on us (i.e. going to lectures). but an encounter with the living, uncreated God of the universe always leaves us never the same. 100%. all the time. trust me.
so if you've never had an encounter with the living God before, and you want it, ask for it! seek after it and you will get it i promise you! and you will experience a love encounter with God! yay!
"the whole creation has been groaning as in the pains of childbirth right up to the present time. not only so, but we ourselves, who have the first fruits of the Spirit, groan inwardly as we wait eagerly for our adoption as sons, the redemption of our bodies." (rom. 8:23-24)
"[all of creation] waits for [God]. to give them food as they need it." (psalm 104:27)
we were created for something more. whether we know it or not, every person on this world was created to yearn, to desire, to groan, to crave something more than this world has to offer. some are just better than others at surpressing their cravings or filling it with other stuff.
we were all created to groan. we were all created to or want something more. i don't think drugs, sex, alcohol, partying, success, an ideology, a philosophy, a theology, not even religion will satisfy. not even "christianity" as a religion to help us live a better life and become better people will satisfy. yes, only Jesus will satisfy but more specifically, it's the revelation of our adoption as sons (and daughters) of God that will satisfy. the realization that we were created to have a perfect relationship with the uncreated God whom we can call Daddy, Abba. that is the purpose of life. it comes down to love love love. not blind lovey-dovey sappy love, but a relationship with the very Person of Love, the man Jesus Christ.
You have a Dad, an Abba. He created you, and He loves you so much. He wants you to hear just one word from Him. He's saying it over you right now,
Son,
Daughter.
so Spirit of Adoption. I ask you to come.
(Thank You in advance!)
and until the end of the world comes (just kidding, not really) just LOVE, as if it was your last day to live. heh...
just love God and love others DEEPLY. the end.
3.17.2010
3.15.2010
come and rush over me
You said there would be joy in the laying down.
You said there would be joy in the letting go.
You said there would be joy in the giving up my rights.
You said there would be joy in the letting go.
You said there would be joy in the giving up my rights.
3.14.2010
self-discoveries
1) i can't lie to save my life. i can't keep a straight face if my life depended on it. i just can't. is that a good or bad thing? that's just the way He made me i guess.
2) i like to over-think everything. as a result, i have a tendency to never say what i mean and i never mean what i say because before i say what i want to say i have already over-thought it and weighed every single option (the response i would get, the other person's reaction, etc.), and i end up having to choose from quite a few options depending on what response i think i would get, making the entire situation a whole lot more complicated than it actually was, but i can't really help it because you can't just tell your brain not to think! (or can you?) so...never talk to me! actually, it'd be nice if you still did talk to me, just be keep in mind my weird-ness.
3) i discovered that i have a longing for attention and a yearning for emotional intimacy from other people. (do you? maybe we all do, who knows? and maybe it's because He created us all that way?) but i thought that my introverted-ness combined with an acceptance from Him would cancel the need for being accepted by anyone else. hence i would be satisfied with going to class and then home to enjoy my "alone time" spent mostly with Him.
and yet, knowing there is no substitute for Jesus, i still find myself scrambling to find acceptance from others. i just want to be loved. and know that i am special to someone. (yes, LORD, i know i am special to you! but is it wrong to desire to know that i'm special to other people?) shouldn't You be able to fill my every desire? or can i really just not isolate myself and spend time with You all the time? or is it something deeper? like a fear of rejection from other people? hmm. perhaps i should read "rejection and praise of man" by bob sorge (good book) another time through.
i really thought having Him alone would be enough to satisfy my every need, until last year Ryan preached on gen. 2:18, where God said "it is not good for the man to be alone." so God created eve and eventually, more people came into this world to be friends with adam. yay! apparently, this was implying that an adam-God relationship was not enough. i still wrestle with that point. (Jesus, you alone must be more than enough!)
and i still have not figured it out. where is the balance between alone time and other-people time? there's a part of me that wants to escape with you, and there's another part that longs to hang out with others.
which leads me to my next discovery...
4) i got worse (or maybe i'm just bad) at making/maintaining friendships. if you're reading this and you're not a random blog-stalker, you're probably a victim of this fault of mine. i am bad at initiating anything; honestly, i'm pretty sure that most of my hang-outs are when someone else initiates with me. yes, i'm learning a lot about my introverted-ness, realizing that i like to be alone but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just simply being...antisocial. heh...because sometimes i realize that i isolate myself from others (a way of self-protection from rejection?) but i actually want to hang out. yepp. selfish of me? perhaps. anyways...which leads me to...
5) i am a very self-centered person. i think about myself way more than i think about Him or about others. in fact, a lot of the times if i do think about others (and even Him) is when he/she can benefit me. yepp. pretty horrible. (i give you permission to hit me next time you see me).
well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you, my friend-who-reads-my-blogs, if i have used you to satisfy my selfish desires. i'm sorry if i love myself more than i love you. i can't help it. i am still a work-in-progress. i'm still learning how to love you the way God loves you. an unconditional selfless love. love that isn't self-seeking.
and i'm sorry, Jesus. i'm sorry for the times i've used You as a crutch or someone to make me feel good. i'm sorry for the times i desired your Spirit only for ministry. i'm sorry for the times where my love was conditional. i don't want Your blessings, i just want You. i want You for who you are. i want to get rid this spirit of self-focus and replace it with a YOU-focus. i want to be FREED from self-focus and be given a YOU-focus because You said there would be JOY in doing so.
6) the art of saying NO. i have a really hard time learning how to say no. to anything. people, hangouts, favors, (and food). even at the expense of my inconvenience/burden. i hate rejecting people period, and when they ask me for a favor, and honestly, 99% of the time i really don't mind saying yes to the things i say yes to. it's just that i need to be more assertive and confident in knowing what i want, which leads me to my next point...
7) i am not a very assertive person. i am a very indecisive person. that sucks because men should always know what to do and take the lead. but i end up not being assertive because my honest desire is for others to have their way and be happy, which will make me more happy, more so than if things went the way i wanted it to. i'd rather self-sacrifice at my own inconvenience, and go with another's preference than my own, because it would make them happy. i'm working on becoming more assertive!!
8) my mom had a lot to say about numbers 5 and 6. she would tell me that self-sacrifice isn't about me being a nice person, but that my opinions actually matter, and that my thoughts and my existence is worth something. thanks mommy. i'm still learning!
9) why is it that it's always during finals week where 23492341 come crashing down? an excuse not to study? i just have more time to think? i just don't know.
2) i like to over-think everything. as a result, i have a tendency to never say what i mean and i never mean what i say because before i say what i want to say i have already over-thought it and weighed every single option (the response i would get, the other person's reaction, etc.), and i end up having to choose from quite a few options depending on what response i think i would get, making the entire situation a whole lot more complicated than it actually was, but i can't really help it because you can't just tell your brain not to think! (or can you?) so...never talk to me! actually, it'd be nice if you still did talk to me, just be keep in mind my weird-ness.
3) i discovered that i have a longing for attention and a yearning for emotional intimacy from other people. (do you? maybe we all do, who knows? and maybe it's because He created us all that way?) but i thought that my introverted-ness combined with an acceptance from Him would cancel the need for being accepted by anyone else. hence i would be satisfied with going to class and then home to enjoy my "alone time" spent mostly with Him.
and yet, knowing there is no substitute for Jesus, i still find myself scrambling to find acceptance from others. i just want to be loved. and know that i am special to someone. (yes, LORD, i know i am special to you! but is it wrong to desire to know that i'm special to other people?) shouldn't You be able to fill my every desire? or can i really just not isolate myself and spend time with You all the time? or is it something deeper? like a fear of rejection from other people? hmm. perhaps i should read "rejection and praise of man" by bob sorge (good book) another time through.
i really thought having Him alone would be enough to satisfy my every need, until last year Ryan preached on gen. 2:18, where God said "it is not good for the man to be alone." so God created eve and eventually, more people came into this world to be friends with adam. yay! apparently, this was implying that an adam-God relationship was not enough. i still wrestle with that point. (Jesus, you alone must be more than enough!)
and i still have not figured it out. where is the balance between alone time and other-people time? there's a part of me that wants to escape with you, and there's another part that longs to hang out with others.
which leads me to my next discovery...
4) i got worse (or maybe i'm just bad) at making/maintaining friendships. if you're reading this and you're not a random blog-stalker, you're probably a victim of this fault of mine. i am bad at initiating anything; honestly, i'm pretty sure that most of my hang-outs are when someone else initiates with me. yes, i'm learning a lot about my introverted-ness, realizing that i like to be alone but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just simply being...antisocial. heh...because sometimes i realize that i isolate myself from others (a way of self-protection from rejection?) but i actually want to hang out. yepp. selfish of me? perhaps. anyways...which leads me to...
5) i am a very self-centered person. i think about myself way more than i think about Him or about others. in fact, a lot of the times if i do think about others (and even Him) is when he/she can benefit me. yepp. pretty horrible. (i give you permission to hit me next time you see me).
well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you, my friend-who-reads-my-blogs, if i have used you to satisfy my selfish desires. i'm sorry if i love myself more than i love you. i can't help it. i am still a work-in-progress. i'm still learning how to love you the way God loves you. an unconditional selfless love. love that isn't self-seeking.
and i'm sorry, Jesus. i'm sorry for the times i've used You as a crutch or someone to make me feel good. i'm sorry for the times i desired your Spirit only for ministry. i'm sorry for the times where my love was conditional. i don't want Your blessings, i just want You. i want You for who you are. i want to get rid this spirit of self-focus and replace it with a YOU-focus. i want to be FREED from self-focus and be given a YOU-focus because You said there would be JOY in doing so.
6) the art of saying NO. i have a really hard time learning how to say no. to anything. people, hangouts, favors, (and food). even at the expense of my inconvenience/burden. i hate rejecting people period, and when they ask me for a favor, and honestly, 99% of the time i really don't mind saying yes to the things i say yes to. it's just that i need to be more assertive and confident in knowing what i want, which leads me to my next point...
7) i am not a very assertive person. i am a very indecisive person. that sucks because men should always know what to do and take the lead. but i end up not being assertive because my honest desire is for others to have their way and be happy, which will make me more happy, more so than if things went the way i wanted it to. i'd rather self-sacrifice at my own inconvenience, and go with another's preference than my own, because it would make them happy. i'm working on becoming more assertive!!
8) my mom had a lot to say about numbers 5 and 6. she would tell me that self-sacrifice isn't about me being a nice person, but that my opinions actually matter, and that my thoughts and my existence is worth something. thanks mommy. i'm still learning!
9) why is it that it's always during finals week where 23492341 come crashing down? an excuse not to study? i just have more time to think? i just don't know.
3.05.2010
wrestling...and psalm 25...and personal rants
why oh LORD? why the wrestling? why is a heart so difficult to conquer, even when the owner is willing? (i stole that from someone). have You not already won my heart? yet how i forget!
why do i wrestle?
You'd rather not wrestle with me,
rather,
i'm the one that engages in the wrestling with You.
i don't like to wrestle.
but i do it anyways.
i wrestle because my love is broken.
i wrestle because my love is weak.
if my love were more mature, wholehearted, abandoned, and jealous, perhaps i'd wrestle less.
if life went my way, i'd be able to love you to the way you love me.
but it's not that way
so until then, i'm going to have to wrestle.
i wrestle because i want to love You.
even though you're going to win
even though you've won already
on this side of heaven, i'm going to wrestle
until the day i see you face to face.
~~~
psalm 25.
i've been stuck on this psalm for like a week now.
usually i meditate on a psalm until i get breakthrough or until He says something to me or until He tells me to move on to the next psalm.
but He told me to stay on this one. for 6 days to be exact. so i did.
1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
3 Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
4 Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
this psalm is like one of the many truths that come with getting to know my Lover: easier said than done. easier to know these truths, memorize it, and store them somewhere in the deep abyss of my mind than to walk it out and know it with my heart. oh, that You would give me grace to walk in love!
and He spoke.
somewhere in the wrestling,
in the contending,
in the striving,
i made it about me me me me me me ME
in my wrestling,
i became consumed in self-focus
and self-determination to love and pursue Love.
thereby altogether losing sight of Love.
once again, i come face to face with my friend:
mr. performance-driven spirit (you must die).
but honestly, God
i just want your presence
i must have His presence.
i must have you, Holy Spirit!
if i don't have You, i have nothing.
i'm sorry LORD for the thing i've made it.
i'm sorry Abba for turning Love into a game
where i have to know all the right things
and where i must do all the right things
and do all the right motions
sorry Abba that i'm very good at being able to complicate love and make it about something more than just You.
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
each time i catch myself striving, He reminds me to stop.
each time i find myself wrestling, He tells me to give up.
because we both know that He always wins. (i stole that part also)
and He tells me to wait. because there's joy in the waiting. and as i wait, He does the work in my heart. and the work He does is so much greater than any of my striving. i call that grace. as i wait, He overcomes me and He wins my heart once again. such grace!
waiting. to the end. because no one who waits upon the LORD will ever be ashamed.
~~~
Holy Spirit, You are like a dance.
as i wait, i wait for You to lead me.
i wait until our hearts connect
a place where movements of Your heart and my heart become in sync, in unity
but i must wait,
because you take the lead by whispers
i must wait
~~~
Love is:
learning to depend on my Abba.
it is learning to lean on my Lover,
and learning to wait upon my LORD.
Love is:
learning to be purged from self,
to empty myself,
to die to myself.
it is to surrender and let go of myself
only to be filled, consumed, and possessed by the freedom of You, Holy Spirit.
to have life and life to the full (also known as joy)
Love is:
to hope, to trust, to have faith in my God.
to gaze, to seek, to behold His presence
to dwell in His house, all the days of my life
to walk, to abide, to fellowship, to talk with my Friend.
Love is:
just to be with Him.
why do i wrestle?
You'd rather not wrestle with me,
rather,
i'm the one that engages in the wrestling with You.
i don't like to wrestle.
but i do it anyways.
i wrestle because my love is broken.
i wrestle because my love is weak.
if my love were more mature, wholehearted, abandoned, and jealous, perhaps i'd wrestle less.
if life went my way, i'd be able to love you to the way you love me.
but it's not that way
so until then, i'm going to have to wrestle.
i wrestle because i want to love You.
even though you're going to win
even though you've won already
on this side of heaven, i'm going to wrestle
until the day i see you face to face.
~~~
psalm 25.
i've been stuck on this psalm for like a week now.
usually i meditate on a psalm until i get breakthrough or until He says something to me or until He tells me to move on to the next psalm.
but He told me to stay on this one. for 6 days to be exact. so i did.
1 To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
2 O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
3 Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;
4 Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
5 Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.
this psalm is like one of the many truths that come with getting to know my Lover: easier said than done. easier to know these truths, memorize it, and store them somewhere in the deep abyss of my mind than to walk it out and know it with my heart. oh, that You would give me grace to walk in love!
and He spoke.
somewhere in the wrestling,
in the contending,
in the striving,
i made it about me me me me me me ME
in my wrestling,
i became consumed in self-focus
and self-determination to love and pursue Love.
thereby altogether losing sight of Love.
once again, i come face to face with my friend:
mr. performance-driven spirit (you must die).
but honestly, God
i just want your presence
i must have His presence.
i must have you, Holy Spirit!
if i don't have You, i have nothing.
i'm sorry LORD for the thing i've made it.
i'm sorry Abba for turning Love into a game
where i have to know all the right things
and where i must do all the right things
and do all the right motions
sorry Abba that i'm very good at being able to complicate love and make it about something more than just You.
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
each time i catch myself striving, He reminds me to stop.
each time i find myself wrestling, He tells me to give up.
because we both know that He always wins. (i stole that part also)
and He tells me to wait. because there's joy in the waiting. and as i wait, He does the work in my heart. and the work He does is so much greater than any of my striving. i call that grace. as i wait, He overcomes me and He wins my heart once again. such grace!
waiting. to the end. because no one who waits upon the LORD will ever be ashamed.
~~~
Holy Spirit, You are like a dance.
as i wait, i wait for You to lead me.
i wait until our hearts connect
a place where movements of Your heart and my heart become in sync, in unity
but i must wait,
because you take the lead by whispers
i must wait
~~~
Love is:
learning to depend on my Abba.
it is learning to lean on my Lover,
and learning to wait upon my LORD.
Love is:
learning to be purged from self,
to empty myself,
to die to myself.
it is to surrender and let go of myself
only to be filled, consumed, and possessed by the freedom of You, Holy Spirit.
to have life and life to the full (also known as joy)
Love is:
to hope, to trust, to have faith in my God.
to gaze, to seek, to behold His presence
to dwell in His house, all the days of my life
to walk, to abide, to fellowship, to talk with my Friend.
Love is:
just to be with Him.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
