dangit i want to write on this more!

darn this quarter feels busy to the max to the point where i want to write on this but i never get the time to so i secretly keep a list of the things i want to talk about on my post-it note thingy application on my desktop, where i also keep like 5 other lists of self-notes which my sister makes fun of all the time. okay that's enough sharing of my secrets haha.

first concert ever last week. hillsong! was super cool. i mean how can you go wrong with hillsong and Jesus music? and melt-your-heart-voice-of-an-angel brooke fraser? (praise the Lord for her gift). but i realized i can't recieve too much during concert-worship. not too much Holy-Spirit Jesus work. i'd prefer IV worship band any day hehe.

i am super excited for dorm team next year. God totally blessed me with a super solid team. i can't wait to work with Michelle Eunice and Jordan. what a holy bunch. shoot. i couldn't have asked for anything better! and better yet, we all seem to really value intimacy with Jesus and prayer like alot. like as our number one value in our relationship with Jesus. wahoo!

recently, life is about two questions: 1) why the heck do i want to do dorm team again, and 2) what am i gonna do different next year?

the other day, i made a discovery about myself. i never really realized how much i value intimacy with Jesus. i thought that was like a given. i know my number one goal in life, above all else, is to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. to know His presence in my life. once i know His presence in my life, only then can i make His presence be known in the lives of others.

so, the question is, how does intimacy with Jesus play out in such an evangelism-oriented ministry like dorm team? i mean shoot. to be honest, if i really had life my way, i just want to spend my entire life sitting at Jesus' feet and loving on Him. and spend all my time getting to know His presence and drawing near to Him. i realized i'm sorta selfish in that way. that sometimes, i want Jesus all for myself, that I want to spend all my time with Jesus, praying and whatnot, and not make the effort to share Him with others. but, like andy said, we have all of eternity in heaven to enjoy Jesus! (that's not to say that we shouldn't spend time with Jesus now). Jesus put us on this earth for a reason. He put me on this campus for a reason. and i want to make the most of it. i want to make the most of my time and relationships in these 4 short years and have no regrets that I did my best in loving those around me during college. and after a year of dorm team, i have really come to realize what Jesus meant when He said, "the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". ahhhhhhh. there seems to be so much work here to do on this campus. so many lost sheep. and as i get intimate with Jesus i really begin to see His heart for the lost. and if Jesus' heart breaks for the lost, i pray that my heart would too.

and what will i do differently next year? hmm. we shall see. honestly, i don't know what to expect. i can't promise that i will be able to dorm as much as i am probably expected to. i know is that my heart is not naturally programmed to be super pumped about going into the dorms every single night. but what i do know is what i have to offer. i know that God has given me certain gifts and my passions that He has put into me. i know that I am willing to be stretched even more than i have been this year. i know that i will try my best to love the freshmen in the dorms the best that I can. i know that i will not be silent when given opportunities to share Jesus with freshmen.

okay another thing. i'm really reflecting on what i have learned this year. i'm not done yet but i have a few things.

i realized my life is about relationships. it is about a relationship with Jesus, and during my time on earth, my relationship with those around me. it is about embracing the moments of life, of my relationships. with God, i realized this year that i can get so caught up in a goal, in a vision, a drive that i must do something for God in order to please Him. there were moments when i realized that my drive to succeed, to have a good ministry was all that mattered to me. and when i look back there are many times where i realized that i failed. i realized that i couldn't do enough, that i just didn't do enough.

cause the last thing i wanted this year was mediocrity in my ministry and here i am like, God, i just want to change the world for you that's all, but in reality God does not need me to do anything. it isn't about what i can do for God, but what He already did for me. but yes. as i got caught up in ministry, there were moments i forgot about the good that God was doing in my life.

and oh yes, my season.

insert pseudo-journal entry that i wrote in an email:
during this season i really feel like God is reminding me of my identity, my calling, of who He created me to be, in relation to this year of ministry and all these cool things I have done for Jesus. during this season, i really feel like God is reminding me about where i find my significance, my value. yes, i know i find my value in God, but i realized i often found my value in how much i could do for God. yes, He called me to do ministry this year on dorm team but i found myself trying to please God, almost performance-driven cause i didn't want to settle for mediocrity. as i hit where i am now these few weeks, i really feel like God is asking only for one thing. that is my heart. God was reminding me about the relational aspect with Him, and not about having the best ministry, because He is well pleased with me, dorm team leader or not, as was God pleased with Jesus even before Jesus did any ministry.

i mean it's not like my heart wasn't into ministry. cause it was. but somewhere in the process i got ahead of myself and Jesus.
it hit me randomly one day. what i needed to hear the most during this season is that he loves me, the plain and simple verse that i almost overuse when i pray for others: "this is my son, whom i love, with him i am well pleased". it was something that i need to pray over myself. i wanted to hear Jesus tell me that He loves me

yes, i realized i had forgotten about my relationship that is Jesus. i had forgotten about my moments with Him. how good it was to wake up to be reminded of His nearness, His favor over me. how good it was to go through my daily routine of life to know His nearness, His presence in me. to have His peace that transcends all the busy-ness of life. how good it was to listen to a worship song and be brought to tears as it hit the very core of my heart.

yes life is about moments, moments in relationships with those around you. gahhhh this year is almost over. where did this year go? i need to begin embracing each and every moment.

like when you are studying really late at giesel at like 1am and you didn't eat dinner and you are really hungry and your good friend goes and buys you a whopper jr. and you eat it tastes like the best thing you have ever eaten in your life. and you are so thankful for your friend. beef, onion, ketchup, pickle, tomato, sesame bun goodness. heaven in your mouth. until it is gone in 3 bites :(
or like when you and your good buddee make sushi and even though it is super ghetto and janky and not legit cause you didn't use a sushi roller-thingy, you eat it together and it tastes soo goood because 1) you both are too hungry and 2) you love each other too much to care otherwise.
okay those two were both about food haha okay how about...
or when you spend late nights praying at snakehead crying out for intimacy and for our campus with super passionate freshmen who genuinely want to see Jesus come in their lives and on this campus. don't let the fire die out, Jesus.

ahhh Jesus, help me to embrace more of it.

okay i wrote alot. which means i need to blog more.

the cross

the other day i was waiting upon the Lord during morning prayer at my newest discovery, this one special place at warren canyon. i think it's my new secret place now. it's like this secluded seat that faces the canyon next to CV, and its like my new super holy place.

i really feel like i'm going through some mehhh season but i really don't know what it is. and i never really liked the term "season", cause i know God is good all the time. and i don't want my emotions to determine whether i am in a good or bad season with God. but i really do feel like God is putting in me a deeper yearning for Jesus' presence like never before, to hunger for it more, to thirst for it more. i mean, what is intimacy with Jesus anyways? to know His presence so well and tangibly, to know Jesus' heartbeat, to know Jesus' love for me with the very core identity of who I am, and not just a really good feeling. but to be so filled with the Holy Spirit 24/7 that i would wake up and go to bed knowing that the presence of God is upon me. that's what I want and long for, and i will continue to seek after it for the rest of my life. i will not stop.

anyways, as i was waiting upon God i totally got this image of the cross. i got it like before once over the summer. i think cause especially with easter a few days ago, i have really been trying to embrace the cross.
i realized i had this teensy bit of doubt of the power of the cross. like did Jesus really die for me? i mean, did Jesus really have me in mind as He hung on that cross and died 2000 years ago? i mean did Jesus really die for each and every one of the the billions of lives that have come and gone since that day, including me?

anyways, on the cross was Jesus, and He was in so much pain. and He looked down upon me and he was like almost weeping or something. sort of like, "eric, how could you ever doubt?" and i'm like, oh Jesus, i'm so sorry.
but i knew Jesus was inviting me to embrace the cross. so i did. and a fresh sense of Jesus' love for me filled me up. i began to weep. and all i could do was embrace the cross. and sit there forever. and ever. and weep. it was quite beautiful.

it's living water i desire
come flood my heart with holy fire
rain down,
my heart is dry but still i'm singing
rain it down

~~~

all of my life
in every season
you are still God
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship

Jesus, you are so faithful

a post i should've done yesterday but my internet was janky

today (yesterday) is (was) good friday

2000 years ago, Jesus, beaten to a pulp, rejected, mocked, spit upon, was nailed to a cross and left to hang there until death.

out of love for me.

how my mind will never comprehend the cross.
Jesus bring me back to the cross.

this is Jesus
in his glory
king of heaven
dying for me

worth it all

Jesus, i just want to change the world for you.
but there's times where there seems so much work to be done.
the work never seems to end God, when i realize that the harvest is plentiful and wokers are few and there are dorms that need to be visited, relationships that need to be built, people to meet up with for lunch, GIGs to do, people to pour into, bible studies to prep, prayer meetings to cry out to you God to change me and the people around me and change for this campus and the world.

and Jesus, it's times like these where i feel like i've been stretched beyond i can bear, God.

who am I anyways? i'm not Jesus, shoot. i'm only an imperfect human. a worthless college student who takes 17 units with ochem and biochem and all that nasty junks plus work 10+ hours a week. i can't perform miracles nor heal, and my heart fails to love you God and love others too many times to count and i don't dorm enough and i don't do enough GIGs, and sometimes i could care less about doing any of that stuff cause i sometimes just run out of love and i don't have enough of Jesus' compassion and His heart for the lost and there seems to be so many lost sheep to run after but sometimes i myself am a lost sheep too, and lost sheep running after lost sheep doesn't work, and also cause i'm so busy already and there just doesn't seem to be enough hours in a day and i begin to wonder why following Jesus is so freaking hard and i begin to lose my quiet time in intimacy and i hate hate hate it when that happens and i question do i really want to do dorm team again only to reach this point again and question is all this evangelism worth it as i struggle with seeking the presence of Jesus and a;dlfja;slfdhjas;flj

and Jesus, you expect me to change the world for you?

ack God, and when i reach this point, i can only do one thing. i drop everything and come running to you. and as i allow you to sing over me, i am reminded by your love for me Jesus, and that is all that matters in the world as everything else fades away and all i can do is enjoy this moment of bliss of just you and me Jesus. quite glorious.

i don't understand your ways
oh, but i will give you my song
i will give you all of my praise

you hold on to all my pain
and with it you are pulling me closer
pulling me into your ways

i'm desperate in seeking
and i'm frantic believing
that the sight of your face
is all that i'm needing

i will say to you
it's gonna be worth it

yea God, i'd say you are pretty much worth it.

today is a banana day

andy brought bananas. and banana chips too! we are making chocolate-covered bananas now. hooray!

it's been a while. i don't really know what to write. here it goes.

spring retreat! was mucho fun. oh Jesus. thanks for nature. thanks for the skies, mountains, trees, and beautfiul sunsets. oh the creation. Jesus seems to come alive through the of the stillness of the morning. and the birdsong. and peace reaches a whole different level. where time seems to stop and life comes to a halt. and all i can do is take it all in and enjoy. what a treat. thanks Jesus.

clicking away my dSLR woohoo! trying to be national geographic magazine status. yeah right. p.s. i am still a noob with that thing i don't do it justice :( but i will work on it and one day become a photo master!

i learned:
mark 2 > mark 1. Jesus, my mind can never fathom nor come close to fully understanding your love for me demonstrated on the cross. I will never be able to imagine how much pain, suffering, brokenness, rejection that you experienced, all in the name of love for me.

i realized that God was stretching me in loving Him with my mind. experiencing him through the word, being able to worship him with my mind just as much as i love him with my heart and soul. that not only is scripture head knowledge, but allowing the truths to seep into my inner being.

paradoxes of kingdom of God (aka my new life goals):
-lose my life to gain life.
-first shall be last and last shall be first (greatness thru service)
-seek aproval not from men but from God alone. ahhh big one. right. thanks Jesus.
-childlike faith

spring quarter! is here! i want to press in to you God. persevere through prayer. i want fresh a fresh passion. a fresh taste of your goodness that is beyond what a religion can offer.

and leadership next year...
Jesus,
where you go, i go.
where you say, i say God.
what you pray i pray.

a mehh season. but whatever season i will always praise the Lord!


look at the way the flowers bloom for you
they want to show you their beauty, Lord.
running waters dance
you and I romance.
unto you be all the glory.