where my heart aches. it doesn't know exactly what it wants, but it senses that something is near. it doesn't happen too often, but when it does, i jump on the opportunity to see what He wants to do. it's a moment of grace, an open heaven moment, to hit the pause button in the midst of a blur of a season, to sit and open up a weary, thirsty heart. though i haven't been feeling Him much, haven't been hearing much, tonight, this was just what i needed. it's hard to describe the feeling when the indwelt longing put inside me just wants to reach out and encounter the fullness of the One who put it there in the first place. yes, it's almost like i want to scream. scream because tonight, i'd rather die than never encounter whatever it is that my heart is screaming for. tonight, i'd rather die than live a lukewarm life. tonight, i'd rather die than live another day without having this longing met, just for a little while. so i'll sit here, and let You love me. i'll finally let You love me. i know i've been here before, but i'll open up this cold cold heart of mine and stop trying so hard. i'll stop. i'm stopping everything to finally let You love me. i'll wait, i'll wait the rest of my life if i have to, i'll wait even if other people think i'm crazy, too intense, i'll do anything. i'll do anything to have You. i'll wait because i know that You are worth it.
9 How is your beloved better than others,
most beautiful of women?
How is your beloved better than others,
that you so charge us?
10 My beloved is radiant and ruddy,
outstanding among ten thousand.
Abba father, this year i thank you for,
1) the prayer room webstream. thank you for the faithful ones at IHOP who cry out to you day and night. thank you for the way they bring me straight to your heart on good days and bad days. thank you for their reminder that you are the same, and unchanging, and your love never ends.
2) my family: dad, for working so hard in china all by himself, so that i will never be in need. mom, for her love for the Lord. for each prayer she prays for me every morning. for the way she teaches me humility and perseverance, and the joy of the Lord. brother and sister, for their support and laughter.
3)Your blood spilled at the cross. your blood speaks a better word. your blood washes me white as snow. your blood that made a way for me to enter into the most holy place, your blood that made a way for me to approach the throne of grace with confidence knowing that You will always be waiting there with arms wide open, regardless of what i have done.
4) Your strong love. your love that is stronger than my sin, my shame, and weaknesses. your love that reaches for me when i don't feel like reaching anymore. your love that never changes even in this new season.
5) the book of psalms. thank you for david's passion, hunger, and raw honesty in his expression of love towards you.
6) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. thank you for Your whispers on mornings i don't want to get up, and all the conversations with me in the car.
7) a new church community at VOH. brothers and sisters to fellowship with. send your fire God!
8) friends from SD that i can still keep in touch with. you know who you are!
9) the privilege of (more) education. the privilege of studying. the privilege that you've called me to pursue medicine only so that you may be glorified. oh that i may be found ready and willing.
10) good grades at westernU. for keeping me above average, and for a good friend to keep me motivated to study 15 hours each day.
11) the shiau family. thank you for a great family to love me and welcome me, to cook me good food, and to let me come over to study and hang out with their daughter.
12) this girl. thank you Father for blessing me with the most beautiful, supportive, and loving girl to partner with me in this season (and for more to come!). help us to love you rightly together, that we would be faithful and obedient with the talents You've given us.
there are some mornings where i wake up and a very nasty feeling comes welling up inside. it doesn't help that it's 5 or 6 in the morning and the sun doesn't come up for a couple of hours. it's a flood of emotions-mostly hopelessness to be honest, as i can't but help but stop and wonder when will this all end? this never-ending cycle of work, study, and more work? what am i working towards? i'm not a machine designed to do nothing but study my brains out. but for med school, that's all that anyone cares about. that's all that determines your ability to succeed--how well you perform on that next test. apart from that, you're worth nothing. you're worth nothing to your professors and you're worth nothing to the person next to you. they're too busy trying to get ahead of you anyways.
i need you Holy Spirit. i'm not a study-machine. i was made to love. to love You and to love others. why has today's society deviated so far from these two simple truths?
i heard that med school was like martyrdom haha. true, but then again, our entire life should be an act of martyrdom. to die to yourself to live for Christ. to set aside all my comforts and my desires for the sake of living for Someone greater than myself. to set aside my self-serving ambitions and dreams to partner with the One who's dream for you is the only one that matters.
i need you Holy Spirit. more than yesterday. i need You to get through today, and i'll need you even more tomorrow. this is my worship. to set aside all things and look upon the One who has set out the path before me. You're with me, so it's going to be a good day.
Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. SOS 8:6
create in me a pure heart, God. renew a steadfast spirit within me. cause me to burn for You. You deserve so much more than this. i still am the one made for one thing, to love You. God, it's been hard. school has made it hard. it's been harder to see You, harder to hear You, but i know You're here. You know if i had things my way i'd just make it all disappear right now and it'd be just me and You. but that would make it too easy. You have bigger plans for me. You want me to walk with You, to talk with You. You want me to be light. but i'm scared, God. the world is a dark place.
let's survive this together. Your eyes are irresistible, Your mercy unending. Your love is strong. i'm holding on.
ah, where to begin? med school has been a journey.
i'm realizing that life apart from God is an endless journey. a life apart from God is a never-ending cycle of study, work, and stress. it's like finally reaching the top of that hill, only to realize that you have another mountain to climb. unfortunately, that's what life sometimes feels like these days (thank God for jo). which is why i've become ever so grateful of the plain and simple reality that Jesus is my destination, right here right now. Jesus Christ, the hope of glory, is what my life comes down to. i live today to touch His heart and for Him to touch mine. i live tomorrow to take one look upon His face and have the world disappear. i live my life to know that He is here with me right now. apart from that a day has no significance, no matter what i do. i live to bring Him glory, and for Him to be glorified in all that i do.
living in pomona has definitely popped my nice, big and round like-minded UCSD (mostly) asian christian bubble. it's definitely not easy, but then again, i'm reminded that it's never about me. the people here need Jesus. the homeless guy down the street needs Jesus, badly. and being here has caused me to need Him more. could i ask for more?
the days that love began to grow the days that fears began to fade those are the days that i'd never trade, the time it took to fall in love with You
i breathe, i breathe because it brings you pleasure i live, i live only because You're alive i will love, love through the pain till only love remains i'm Yours, oh Jesus i'm Yours my life is not my own
there's a peace that comes to my soul when i remember You're in control there's a joy that comes to my heart when i remember i'm not my own
when talking about my relationship with God, for a long time i didn't like using the word "God". i didn't really know why. the concept of "God" was too big, too ethereal and abstract for my mind to comprehend. it was almost too spiritual. for a long time, "God" never had a face, or a real voice for me to really comprehend. "God" remained far and distant, and a "touch" from "God" seemed impossible. i needed something tangible. i needed someone personal, someone who i could talk to, and someone who could talk back to me. i needed Jesus, for Jesus is the only way to the Father (john 14:6).
in the Person of Jesus, my God became a man. He's a living person, with emotions, a personality, a face to gaze upon, and big steady hands to hold. He has eyes that pierce the depths of my soul, full of kindness, and a mouth that brings forth sweet kisses of His word. He has a shoulder for me to lean into, arms to embrace me with, and a beating heart, full of love. He's more than a concept to understand, and more than just words on a page. He's more than religious rituals, more than that feel-good sermon to stir my heart. He's more than a nice idea, more than polished, articulate theology. He's more than the nice language i use to describe Him on this blog. He's more than all the music and words we sing at church. He's even more than a list of truths or a list of qualities that i keep trying to fill my mind with. He's a real, living person. He's a lovesick bridegroom, wanting nothing more than to hear the voice and see the face of His bride. like any other bridegroom jealous for the love of His bride, He wants all of me. He's like any other Husband who desires to spend quality time with His Bride, and share life.
now, when i pray to God i don't find myself throwing words out to some spiritual force somewhere out there, hoping that they are heard. when i pray, i talk to a Man. i talk to Him in the same way i talk to any other person i love. i ask Him what He's thinking, what He's feeling. i share with Him my struggles, my praises, and my failures. He talks back to me, and encourages me. He shares with me the secrets of His heart. He gives me hope and a future. His words give me joy.
in my reaching and searching the air for some sign of His nearness, i've made it more complicated than it should be. He's a Man, and He's in love with me.
i'm realizing that life is full of changes. decisions to be made, and more changes. days become weeks, weeks become months, months become years. jobs, school, and people in life come and go. so much of our lives are dependent on circumstance. the journey of faith is growing in love for an unseen God in the midst of overcoming the effects of a physical world on our spirit. even the smallest things can make or break our day. too often we get caught up in the moment. we catch ourselves living as if we belong to the world, and we allow ourselves to be shaken. we put ourselves at the center of our self-serving life, and we lose sight of the bigger picture, the bigger constants, and we lose sight of our God. and at the end of the day, i find my weak frame clinging to a strong God.
as i reflect on the past seasons, and prepare for seasons to come, i realize that maturity is to know that God is always in control, He is always near, He is always good, and He is always bigger than me. maturity is to have a deep trust in my Father, that my spirit would remain unshaken as the waves of life come crashing down. maturity is to remain confident and unoffended in the perfect leadership of God, even in these last days, and to follow Him wherever He goes.
my journey of faith is more than a few month's worth of an internship, more than a few years at any community, fellowship, culture of faith, or school. my journey of faith is a fight to the very end, until the day i see His face. oh that i would continue to reach, continue to run harder than i did yesterday, never looking back, and only going forward. oh if in 50 to 60 years from now i would stand in even greater confidence in the steadfast love of a good God. would it begin now, that i would close my eyes at any given moment and recognize His indwelling presence within me, and hear His voice of delight and pleasure. to rejoice at the sound of my Beloved. oh that i would live life resting under the shadow of His wings, the place where i can feel the peace of God that transcends all understanding, which is the gateway into a life of freedom and true joy.
the best part about it all is that my God is unchanging. He is constant, steadfast in love and mercy. He is full of grace and truth, and He is smiling at me.
The king rejoices in your strength, LORD. How great is his joy in the victories you give! You have granted him his heart’s desire and have not withheld the request of his lips. You came to greet him with rich blessings and placed a crown of pure gold on his head. He asked you for life, and you gave it to him— length of days, for ever and ever. Through the victories you gave, his glory is great; you have bestowed on him splendor and majesty. Surely you have granted him unending blessings and made him glad with the joy of your presence. For the king trusts in the LORD; through the unfailing love of the Most High he will not be shaken.
18 I will not leave you orphans; I will come to you. 19 “A little while longer and the world will see Me no more, but you will see Me. Because I live, you will live also. 20 At that day you will know that I am in My Father, and you in Me, and I in you.
John 14:18-20
Jesus' greatest desire was that we would be with Him (john 17:24). He chose to become man for eternity so that He would dwell with me. not only would He dwell with me, but within me. and not only within me, but one with me. yes, the God that spoke creation into being has become one with my spirit (1 cor 6:17). my spirit has become His, and His Spirit has become mine. He is closer to me than my own skin, and He never leaves. at the same time, the biggest lie i can ever hear is that God is distant when i don't feel Him, see Him, or hear Him and that i need to perform in some way or posture myself and make myself presentable in order for God to come near to me. yet, i know that He is near. i know that He wants me, not for what i can do, but for who i am. one of the greatest mysteries is this: how God would find so much worth in a heart like mine that He would choose to take residence in it for eternity. oh how badly He wants me!
now, when i pray, i am no longer seeking to somehow span the gap between my heart and Jesus, for His broken body has breached the gap. Jesus has taken up residence within me through the Spirit and my prayers now come from loving response of Him in me, because there is no gap. Holy Spirit dwells within me. He helps me when i'm weak. He cares for me. He prays for me when i have no strength to pray (rom 8:26). He wants to talk to me, and is waiting for me. i slow down. His gentleness and kindness overwhelms me. i can't help but turn inward and see Him. i talk to Him and tell Him my struggles. my anxious thoughts spill from my mouth. He smiles, for He knows all things. i hear His voice. He comforts me, and tells me it's gonna be okay. my heart is overjoyed.
thank you Holy Spirit. i love Your presence in me.
After this I looked, and there before me was a door standing open in heaven. And the voice I had first heard speaking to me like a trumpet said, “Come up here"
rev 4:1
Right now our eyes look at the landscape around us and see grass browned by the sun, cars speeding around as though they were actually doing something important, beleaguered people bent beneath the weight of the day bearing down upon their weary shoulders…just normal, everyday, life. Yet at the very same moment, somewhere beyond reckoning, upon a deep blue expanse, living creatures cry out at the sight of unthinkable beauty, elders fall, the voices of angels resound through the heavenly assembly. Covered with eyes, the burning ones surrounding His throne gaze upon Him with ever replenishing wonder.
Love is the greatest and most excellent thing we are masters of; and therefore it is folly and baseness to bestow it unworthily; it is indeed, the only thing we can call our own, other things may be taken from us by violence; but none can ravish our love: if anything else be counted ours, by giving our love, we give all.
-h.s.
I will hold Him and I will never let Him go; I will die with Him, and will be consumed in the flames of His love. One flame will consume this divine Creator and His wretched creature. Jesus gives Himself unreservedly to me, and I give myself unreservedly to Him. I will live and die in His loving arms; neither life nor death shall ever separate me from Him. O eternal love, my soul longs after You, and chooses You forever. Come, Holy Spirit, and inflame our hearts in love. O to love! O to die! To die to all other loves, and to live only for the love of Jesus Christ! O redeemer of our souls, grant that we may eternally sing, long live Jesus, whom I love. I love Jesus, who lives forever and ever.
my faith is old my heart is hard my prayers are cold and i know how i ought to be alive to You and dead to me
but what can be done for an old heart like mine soften it up with oil and wine the oil is You, Your spirit of love please wash me anew with the wine of Your blood
i've been learning a lot about praise and thanksgiving these days. the power of praise and thanksgiving is that it renews my mind (Rom 12:2) from the natural tendency of my unrenewed mind to think negatively or to be worried or anxious and it sets my mind on the character and truths of God that easily escape my mind.
after watching this joyful set (starting around the 40-50 minute mark) i made a list of things about the character of Jesus that i'm thankful for.
thank you Jesus for,
1) clothing me with righteousness (2 Cor 5:21) in the depths of my sin, even when I still hated You (Rom 5:10)
2) raising me up and seating me at Your right hand in the heavenly places (Eph 2:6), and making Your home INSIDE of me through the indwelling of your Holy Spirit (14:23)
3) giving me the grace and anointing to love You and to love others
4) the spirit of adoption, that I could call You Abba Father (Rom 8:15)
5) your perfect leadership, that You always know what is best for me, down to every detail
6) being the Good Shepherd who always leads me into paths of righteousness. (Ps 23:3) No one who waits upon You will be put to shame. (Ps 25:3)
7) knowing me better than I know myself (Ps 139:1). I have no shame when I stand before You. I don’t need to hide anything from You. You know my thoughts and words even before it is on my tongue (Ps139:4)
8) Your perfect love that which satisfies every desire of my heart (Ps 37:4). only You can satisfy my heart’s desires.
9) being a God that withholds no good thing from me. You are my shield and my great reward (Gen 15:1)
10) not leaving me to be alone. for You have given me Holy Spirit, my Comforter, Teacher, and Helper (John 14:16), my Advocate, and my Best Friend.
11) being a God of justice. You hear every heart’s cry, you hold every tear in your hand, for Your name is Faithful and True (Rev. 19:11)
12) being a God of covenants. You who kept your promises with Abraham, Noah, and Moses. For all your promises are yes and amen! (2 Cor 1:20)
13) never leaving nor forsaking me (Heb 13:5) nor forgetting about me. for you have graven me on the palm of your hands (Is 49:15)
14) coming down to earth to set every captive free, to proclaim liberty to the brokenhearted, and freedom to the oppressed. (Luke 4:18). You who are committed to making every wrong thing right (Is 62:1)
15) in my weakness and sin, you chose me and call me holy, blameless, and pure (Eph 1:4)
16) sending your son Jesus, who through His body, made a new and living way (Heb 10:20) when there didn’t have to be one, for me to come boldly and without shame into Your presence, so that you can pour out your love and mercy, because you love me.
17) being constant, unchanging, the same yesterday today and forever (Heb 13:8)
18) being steadfast in love, abounding in mercy, grace and kindness. (Ps. 145:8)
19) the depths of your mercy and irresistible grace. Your kindness leads to repentance (Rom 2:4)
20) You never give up on us, you are committed to us. you chase us down with your love. Your love that which is relentless and patient, longsuffering.
21) Your transcendent beauty, that which causes angels and the twenty four elders and four living creatures to gaze upon you day and night (Rev 4). I will join them and gaze upon You.
22) Always being with me. You never leave me nor forsake me. Your eyes are upon me always. Just knowing that you’re here with me now changes everything.
23) giving me beauty for ashes, joy for mourning, praise for heaviness, that you would call me an oak of righteousness (Is 61:3)
24) Your desire for me, that which is greater than my desire for you (John 17:24)
dear mom,
happy mother's day and early birthday. i just wanted to tell the world how much i love you and how special you are to me. this year you're in china visiting dad, so there's no one to cook breakfast for this sunday morning. maybe i'll just cook for alicia, and i'll leave the card for you to read when you come back. you always cry when we give you the mother's day card, because your heart is so tender, so full of love for us and this family.
mom, thanks for being the rock of our family. i know it hasn't been easy, but your love for dad and our family is a living example of 1 corinthians 13 true love. mom, you really taught me what it means to love without expecting anything in return. you taught me how to love the unlovely, those who need love the most. you love with a love that never gives up.
mom, thanks for teaching me what joy is. that joy isn't a feeling or emotion, but a decision to take our eyes off our circumstances and find our joy in the everlasting goodness of God. your desire to praise God in every situation, especially in hard circumstances has given me a reason to rejoice always, to praise God always. thanks for teaching me how to live a life focused not on the sufferings and trials of this world, but on the eternal glory and pleasures found at the right hand of God.
mom, thanks for your smile and laughter, even in the most broken circumstances. the times you praise God when dad isn't in a good mood reminds me that i have no right to live even for a moment in sadness or fear, but that the joy of the LORD is our strength. your joy despite all the hardships in your life leaves me speechless, and always stops me from self-pity when i think my life is hard.
mom, thanks for your passion for Jesus. the way you get up at the early hours of every morning to wait upon God. the ways you have taught me to believe in prayer, the ways God heard our prayers and saved dad and our family; the ways you prayed me into who i am today, the ways you pray for my future wife =), your prayers made all the difference, mom.
mom, thanks for your sacrifice. the ways you chose not to work just so you could spend time raising me, rick and alicia. we all love you so much. thanks for your selfless love to value us more than yourself or your career.
mom, thanks for always being so proud of me, even before i have done a thing. thanks for always reminding me of my strengths, and believing in me even when i don't believe in myself. thanks for calling me the smartest boy in the world even if i don't get the best grades, and always finding worth in me even when i don't see it in myself. thanks for always reminding me that i am God's beloved son.
mom, thanks for all the good food, emails (even if your english isn't that good), hour-long phone conversations, and every single one of our talks in the kitchen about Jesus, family, life, and more Jesus. i will never forget all the times we prayed and cried out to to God together. He heard all of our prayers.
mom, thanks for being not just a mom, but a friend, who always listens and who i can always trust.
i love you mom.
may you walk even closer to Jesus this year.
i'm Yours, to take and break just me make me sensitive to You, i've come too far to turn around now, there's nothing I wouldn't do, to hear Your words of life LORD, to be as close to You, as any man has ever dared to come. i'm Yours.
all my fountains are in You all my desires are found there too i am only satisfied, satisfied in You all I really want to do is find You, all I really want to do is stay there when I do.
"To the thirsty I will give water without cost from the spring of the water of life."
rev 21:6
“Come, all you who are thirsty,
come to the waters; and you who have no money,
come, buy and eat!
Come, buy wine and milk
without money and without cost.
Why spend money on what is not bread,
and your labor on what does not satisfy?
Listen, listen to me, and eat what is good,
and you will delight in the richest of fare.
Give ear and come to me;
listen, that you may live.
I will make an everlasting covenant with you,
my faithful love promised to David. is 55:1-3
The Spirit and the bride say, “Come!” And let the one who hears say, “Come!” Let the one who is thirsty come; and let the one who wishes take the free gift of the water of life. rev 22:17
Something dynamic occurs when we take all of the depths of yearning within and turn
toward God only to find that He is actually the author of it, and He is vehemently committed to satisfying it with Himself. This is the romance of the Gospel. -s.v.
21 “Not everyone who says to me, ‘Lord, Lord,’ will enter the kingdom of heaven, but only the one who does the will of my Father who is in heaven.22 Many will say to me on that day, ‘Lord, Lord, did we not prophesy in your name and in your name drive out demons and in your name perform many miracles?’23 Then I will tell them plainly, ‘I never knew you. Away from me, you evildoers!’ matt 7:21-23 1“At that time the kingdom of heaven will be like ten virgins who took their lamps and went out to meet the bridegroom.2 Five of them were foolish and five were wise.3 The foolish ones took their lamps but did not take any oil with them.4 The wise ones, however, took oil in jars along with their lamps.5 The bridegroom was a long time in coming, and they all became drowsy and fell asleep. 6 “At midnight the cry rang out: ‘Here’s the bridegroom! Come out to meet him!’ 7 “Then all the virgins woke up and trimmed their lamps.8 The foolish ones said to the wise, ‘Give us some of your oil; our lamps are going out.’ 9 “‘No,’ they replied, ‘there may not be enough for both us and you. Instead, go to those who sell oil and buy some for yourselves.’ 10 “But while they were on their way to buy the oil, the bridegroom arrived. The virgins who were ready went in with him to the wedding banquet. And the door was shut. 11 “Later the others also came. ‘Lord, Lord,’ they said, ‘open the door for us!’ 12“But he replied, ‘Truly I tell you, I don’t know you.’ 13 “Therefore keep watch, because you do not know the day or the hour. matt 25:1-13
the worst feeling ever is to finish life as christians thinking we had it right the whole time, only to stand before Christ at the judgment seat and hear God say, "i'm sorry, but I don't know you". it's quite contradictory that an omniscient God would claim to not know us, the objects of His very own creation, the ones He loves to the point of death on a cross. it's crazy to think that the God of psalm 139, the One who knows when we sit down and when we rise, the One who knows all our thoughts and desires would reject us with such harshness at the judgment seat. (yet He rejects because He knows the heart!) i realized there's a difference between knowing about an omniscient God versus opening up my heart and asking God to search and know me. there's a difference between knowingabout God versus Knowing God. likewise, there's a difference between the way God knows aboutevery single person in the world versus the way he Knows those who He can call His friends. the semantics are subtly different, but the implications are drastically different, as different as heaven is to hell. the divine romance begins when one enters into a love relationship with the Person of Jesus. it is journey of eternity, where relationship is above religion, heart above ritual, and a broken and contrite heart is more important than sacrifice. in such times as these, i want to live with a spiritual violence (matt 11:12) and a sense of urgency. i want to live like Jesus was coming back tomorrow. i want to stay awake (matt 24:42), keep watch and pray against temptation (matt 26:41), and love Him with every fiber of my being. i want to sit before Jesus, and lavish Him with worship. like oil upon His feet, like wine for Him to drink. like water from my heart. i don't want regret on the day i stand before Him. i'm going to start caring less about how hard i run after Him because intense is my only appropriate response after i've caught a glimpse of just how worthy He is. i know from the depths of my soul that He's more than worth it. i'm preparing and i look forward to the day i stand before the throne with confidence. i would look at that face filled with kindness, and that familiar gaze...those eyes like flames of fire, head as white as wool, and a voice that sounds like water. He speaks, and His voice is so familiar. "well done, Eric, let us enter into eternity together."
as i follow Jesus there have been many moments where my heart becomes offended. it happens most often when I think that i've heard the LORD correctly on one thing, prayed about it, take a risk and step into that direction, only to get the door slammed shut on me. it's one of the most painful experiences in the world. it hurts because throughout it all, i had thought the LORD's hand was upon me and guiding me. throughout it all, i had been trying my best to discern and follow Jesus wherever He was leading me, and all of a sudden i feel alone, abandoned, and "set up" by God for disappointment. it's painful because it breaks trust, and my confidence in my ability to discern and hear from the LORD, and on top of that it's a blow to my faith in a loving, good God that has the best intentions for me. however, as i look back, such feelings were but temporary.
You turn things upside down!
Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,
that the thing made should say of its maker,
"He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
"He has no understanding"?
is 29:16
the journey of trusting the perfect leadership of an invisible God is one that requires an unoffended heart. it's one that has to embrace the hard fact that following Jesus isn't a peachy and easy road where things will always go our way. in fact it's never even about our way to begin with. as i reflect on my past 4 years at UCSD (and even prior to that) there were many moments where life has just not gone as i had expected. (during such moments i would sigh, "oh life"). unanswered prayers, circumstances, hardships and conflicts in relationships, academics, ministry, or life calling have left me in places where i really question God's good intentions for me.
the weird thing is that the best way God has grown my heart is to offend it. it's one of those upside down kingdom paradoxes that God uses to mature my heart and my trust in His leadership. the journey of surrender is a journey of death to self. by His grace He wrecks my plans and expectations only to ask do you still trust me, Eric? even now? once i'm here i realize i have no where to turn but into His sovereign, perfect will for my life. He intentionally allows life to go a way that offends my heart, and He leaves me with the invitation to see if i will still trust that His ways are higher (is 55:9), and His ways are better, that He is still for me, cares for me, and that He still loves me. He breaks down my pride and my self-confidence apart from Him, only that i would come out leaning. little did i know that during my self-pity sessions, He knew the end of the story, that i would come up from the wilderness leaning on Him. and i will lean! for He always knows what is best for me.
today, i'm left at a place where i know that regardless of any current circumstance, trial, tribulation, or struggle, all are but light and momentary afflictions that are producing in me an eternal weight of glory (2 cor 4:17-18). in His kindness the LORD offends my heart so that i would learn to cultivate an unoffended heart, for blessed are those who are unoffended in Him (matt 11:6). through this process i come out leaning, confident that my life is not my own, and i begin to live with a perspective of eternity--that life is far more than what is seen.
His left hand is under my head, and his right hand embraces me! SOS 2:6
i’m just called to lay that all down and recognize my complete lack, or else i’ll think that i can lead myself. i'm only called to follow, to know His voice, to not be presumptuous, and recognize my need for the Holy Spirit at any given moment. when I do things, I can only judge from what I see in my given circumstance. He sees beyond and directs me from the standpoint of eternity. my responsibility is not to be clever and try to do what I think is best, but to follow whatever He is saying and forsake the limited parameters of humanly wisdom. His ways are higher than mine.
"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"
"blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth"
-Jesus, matt 5:3, 5
Jesus was the perfect example of humility and meekness. He said Himself that He came to earth with a purpose: not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (matt 20:28).
as i wrestle with spiritual poverty i realize the extent of my self-centered, prideful nature that secretly likes to exalt myself and takes joy in self-promotion and self-preservation. He has been kind to expose my self-seeking/self-glorifying nature that keeps me from loving Him wholeheartedly. oh that He would increase and i would decrease!
1) each breath of life is by His mercy (lam 3:23). i desire to take my eyes off myself and to be humbled by a God far greater than my self-centered life. to prostrate myself before the God who holds the world in His hands. He is the one who gives and takes away, the one who initiates and ends all seasons. (ecc 3:1)
2) every good thing is a gift from Him. i have no good thing apart from Him (ps 16:2). there is nothing good in this world apart from the goodness of Jesus and a life found in Him. all eternal pleasures are at His right hand (ps 16:11). every other pleasure is but temporary.
3) i am nothing without Him. without Him i have nothing. without Him, i am but a man of sinful nature (jer 17:9), deserving nothing but eternal death. (rom 6:23). but since Love came down, it has never been about what i deserve. oh, the ocean of grace.
4) i couldn't even love Him or know Him had He not opened my eyes first (1 john 4:19). to realize that i was doomed for hell but He pulled me out and seated me on His throne (eph 2:6). and to think that He did all this while i still hated Him because of my sin (rom 5:8)? never again shall i think that my self-righteous sacrifice or burnt offerings (ps 51: 16) can do me any good. for all He desires is a broken and contrite heart.
5) i own nothing. nothing belongs to me. nothing is entitled to me. i want to live with the reverence and awe that comes with knowing that my life is not my own. all my skills, talents, relationships, money, resources, come from Him. never for a moment should i think that any good thing came from myself. and never should i boast about any gift that came from Him, nor should any of it be used for my own gain, self-promotion, selfish desires, but everything for His glory. never should i for a moment relish or take pride or take credit for any good thing about myself.
6) finally, without Him i can do nothing. (john 15:5) oh, how i need Him.
oh the joys of a life crucified with Christ! oh the freedom found in death to self and complete abandonment to Jesus! oh the joys of sweet surrender, of breaking free from a self-centered life and a life wholly surrendered to Jesus!
between the sovereignty of God and the destiny of man, one finds the intercessor. there, in the great chasm between God's blazing righteousness and man's fallenness, an intercessor is found waiting. there, love waits and wrestles for God to be heard and man to be pitied. the courageous are found there, fighting for God to be adored and man to be accepted. in this holy place, one enters into the suffering heart of the Mediator, Jesus, who vindicates His Father's glorious name and atones for the rebellion. this is a holy place, a divine meeting where doors open to deep caverns of divine paradox, where God's emotions and economy lead to groans and pleas for triumph and redemption. blessed is the man who waits here. -excellencies of christ
Jesus, come and make wrong things right. this world needs You.
i need You.
it's never about how hard i try.
Your love is strong.
i will hold on.
i look into Your eyes of mercy i remember that Your heart is for me i'm holding on to Your divine love i'm holding on and i'm not letting go it's not my zeal it's that Your love is strong it's not my strength it's that You're faithful
Within the human heart is a latent accusation against God—the belief that He is mostly unwilling to care about our lives, or at least is delayed in His sensitivity. This subtle accusation greatly impacts our prayer life and results in anemic prayers. We put more faith in the potency of our culture than the potency of God’s fiery passion to come and make wrong things right in our lives. We fail to lay hold of the one thing which is fighting on our behalf—God’s great compassion toward us. If we do not understand His zeal for us, we may offer up words, but faith-filled prayer is absent. All we can say are weak words that express our desperate wish for God to listen, instead of prayers that apprehend God’s zealous heart and call for Him to come do what He loves to do. -excellencies of christ
You don't just stand at a distance with arms folded, watching me go through the motions of life. rather, you are actively involved, as the Jealous Fighter on my behalf; everything You do screams i love you. everything you do says You care.
there is nothing You love to do more than to win over a human heart
come win mine all over again.
today, i'm learning to treasure the rawness of a heart open and exposed to God. it can be one of the most uncomfortable and boring places to be, yet remains as the life source of my very existence. on some days it's the place i dread, yet on other days it's the place where i'm in tears as i come face to face with the One who made me and holds my life in His hands.
as i wait, the depravity and barrenness of my heart becomes so clear. it's a very uncomfortable place to be, to have my sinful heart laid bare before a perfect, pure, and holy God. the silence becomes unbearable as distractions begin to flood my mind, but i keep waiting. i wait because He is good. He is gentle. He's the kindest person I know, and i will not leave this place until i meet Him.
there are some seasons where love is easy--out of an overflow of emotion. Your heart is tender, You feel His nearness, His presence, and Your heart is easily moved. you are romanced and wooed into the pleasures of loving Him. everything makes sense, and You are so in love with Jesus! a season of glory, you say.
there are other seasons where love is difficult. love becomes a labor, a decision, a discipline. it becomes a choice of the mind. love now feels like a dry and weary land where there is no water (ps 63), and you do not feel anything. the pains and unbelief of the reality of a distant, invisible God set in on you, and love becomes hard. you wonder how long this desert season will last, and what you have done wrong to deserve such an ill fate.
praise God for seasons where love is easy.
praise God even more for seasons where love is difficult. the barrenness of love is where the gold of our heart is refined. to say yes to Jesus in the barrenness of love is to know that He brings us into just the right season to cultivate our love for Him. that in the end, we may stand before Him and say with confidence, "we have loved You well!"
and to hear Him say, "well done, my beloved one. your love has been real, your love has been true. look, i wrote it all down in my book. let us now enjoy eternity together."
it's amazing how i can still go through the motions without actually engaging with You. it's amazing how i can still catch myself in moments where externally, i sing songs, pray, read the Word, yet i can do it completely detached from You. its amazing how easy it is to go through the activities and everything becomes routine, and subconsciously, i have switched my heart on autopilot, and before i know it, a dull spirit has creeped its way into my heart. before i know it, my heart has become hardened to your Word, and that sweet ache of a lovesick heart now seems so foreign. oh that You would tenderize my heart!
it's amazing how i can learn so much about You--through great teachings, read volumes of books about You, and fill my head with so much great knowledge about You, yet my heart can be so empty. internally, You are nowhere to be found. i have absolutely no awareness of Your manifest presence, and i'm not actively engaging with You. it's amazing how much head knowledge, how much "religion" i can have without actually encountering You.
it's amazing how i can make it all about anything and everything BUT encountering You, Jesus. it's amazing how i can make it about my striving, grasping a new piece of bible knowledge, my problems, my circumstance, me me me, and not just the beauty of the simplicity of my heart joined with Yours.
it always comes down to that locked gaze, that place where i love You, and You love me.
Abba, i'm still learning to wait upon You. it is so much easier to strive, to wrestle than to wait. and through it all i'm so easily troubled with an anxious thought, consumed with a frustrating circumstance, or if anything, pre-occupied with unbelief that comes with a relationship with You, an invisible God. Eric, just talk to me. just turn your gaze inward and direct all your dialogue and thoughts towards Me. the simplicity of this one thing: i love you, and you love me.
if only one thing was certain thirty, forty, fifty years from now, it would be that i would be more in love with Jesus than i am today. sure, a loving family, a fruitful ministry, and favor in finances would be great, but when i'm old, wrinkly, and grey-haired, i ask only for one thing to be certain--that i would be found loving Jesus with every fiber of my being. i look to the day when i would weep even at the mention of the name of Jesus. oh Jesus, no sweeter name. i want to be moved to tears when i open scripture, not for the sake of being emotional, but because i am so deeply in love with the Man that i encounter when i read each living word, the Man that i've grown to know so well and love over the course of the years.
it all comes down to that wedding day, the day where i stand before your judgment seat and You ask me one question: how well did you love? when it's been said and when it's all been done, when the race is run it all comes to love.
i want no regrets when i stand before you on that day. it would be the worst feeling, to enter into eternity only realize that i could've given you more. give me grace, give me strength, to love You rightly, God. let it begin today, right now.
so no reservations, no wall, but just an open door in my heart for You i'm gonna give all that's inside of my heart to You.
15As for man, his days are like grass;
he flourishes like a flower of the field; 16for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
andits place knows it no more. 17But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
and his righteousness to children’s children, 18to those whokeep his covenant
and remember to do his commandments. ps 103:15-17
our lives are like waves tossed in the ocean of life. as human beings, the ups and downs of circumstance, stress, emotions, feelings, and seasons are what naturally determine our well-being. unfortunately, we often let these "non-factors" determine our relationship with Jesus.
at the very core of spirituality and a relationship with Jesus is this: to deny ourselves and embrace the steadfast love of Jesus. it is a conscious decision (a difficult one for that matter) to say no to our un-Godly emotions (fear, anxiety, depression) and to renew our minds in the loving promises of Christ. we have to be really intentional in how we take our mind off of the present light and momentary circumstance/emotion/feeling and set our focus and gaze on the constancy of the character of God. and how easy we forget the faithfulness of God! and how easy our mind and faith falters! yet even in weakness, He loves us.
our decision to say a (weak) yes to Jesus when we least feel like it is a very counter-cultural, counter-intuitive way of thinking. it is a very selfless act to deny our self-seeking, self-centered way of thinking and to set our heart, soul, mind, and spirit on the living word of God, the man Christ Jesus, the One who makes all things work for our good. let our hearts be anchored in the love of Christ in the midst of the rocking and shaking in the waves of life. let us come to Jesus, the One who, at the end of the day, is the only one who knows what is good for me.
Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect. rom 12:2
i find my heart longing today, lonely, hungry for something authentic. something is awakening in the depths, stirred in this season by an unknown hand, an unseen Helper. my heart can barely stand the thought of another unique teaching or keen insight from another anointed vessel. i am aching only for Jesus, wanting Him and Him alone, undone by the piercing depths of His heart, His life, and his love. -a.h.
the cross was not drudgery for You. You bore the cross with joy. joy even in the midst of unfathomable pain. joy because You were thinking of me. Your sole longing was me, that i may be with You and see You in Your glory, that i would be able to feel the same love Your Father had for You. joy because you knew that all death and humiliation was nothing compared to receiving the greatest yearning of Your heart -- me.
there's so much more that i can't see right now,
but if i wait on You, You'll show me more than i can believe. i will find my contentment in You.
life abundant, nothing less.
so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. tor the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. though you have not seen him, you love him. though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.
2 cor 4:16-18, 1 pet 1:6-9, james 1:12
but until that day, i'm longing for the new jerusalem.
few say yes to it. it's a place of testing (james 1:3), trials (james 1:2), refining (rev. 3:18), purifying (rev. 19:7), purging (gal 5:24), self denial (matt 16:24), death to self (phil 1:21), shaking (heb 12:27), breaking-and-molding (2 cor 4:7). the wilderness is characterized with seasons of pain, distress, (light and momentary) affliction, weakness, temptation, doubt, and suffering. such seasons are filled with wrestling, contending, warfare, persevering, toiling, striving, enduring. and throughout it all, we wonder: is this what i signed up for? is this what i said yes to when i agreed to follow You no matter the cost?where is the joy? the freedom? the peace that You claim to offer?
we do whatever we can to avoid the wilderness. we busy ourselves with distractions, any temporary (inferior) pleasure to keep us from coming face to face with the barrenness that is the depravity of our soul and a lack of any good thing apart from the love of Jesus. there is something very uncomfortable about the barrenness of a human heart exposed to the glory of God. as our heart is put into the refining furnace of His love, impurities come out--suddenly our loneliness, emptiness, and insecurities are exposed. suddenly, i realize that i don't trust God as much as i thought i did...God, are you really good? are you there God? i'm really hurting right now. if you really are as good as you say you are, why is there so much crap in my life? why do You feel so far? do You really care about me? God this sucks, i am so sad right now. we get uncomfortable, and we want out of the fire as soon as possible, and we settle--we make our way to the wide road of lukewarm christianity, where we don't have to deal with the discomforts of what ultimately is offense at God. how could you put me through that, God? we leave and we jump right back into the busy-ness of christian routine and hide under our religious christian "label" and grind out our mundane and unfulfilling life until we die and (supposedly) reach heaven. (my bad for being so blunt)
the saddest thing about wilderness seasons is that by avoiding them, we are actually denying a gift straight from the Father's heart. by indulging ourselves in temporary distractions, chasing after broken cisterns that which dull our ears to the whispers of His voice alluring us into the wilderness, we are ultimately missing out on the fountain of life, superior pleasures found at His right hand! it's His kindness and His grace that beckons us to come closer to His throne of grace. it is an invitation to come and enter into the fullness of life! it begins with allowing Him to surface the doubts, fears, offense, insecurities so deeply rooted in our hearts that we didn't even know they were there in the first place, and surrender at the foot of the cross, so that we may live a life of freedom and abundant life (john 10:10).
one of the hardest things about the wilderness is to believe that we are making progress. am i just running in circles, God? God, you feel so far right now, are you really doing a work in my heart right now? i'm so frustrated right now, sitting here wrestling with You. i don't think i'm getting anywhere. yet by faith we take things day by day, step by step, renewing our spirit in His daily mercies, as we deny the lies that tell us anything otherwise, cling to His promises (rom 8:28), and set our eyes on the goal of seeing His face.
i need a perspective shift. yes, to be poor in spirit (matt 5:3) and to recognize every good and perfect gift comes from His throne of grace (james 1:17). to set my eyes upon His ways, to seek and say yes to every word that comes from His mouth, that i may remain abiding in His word (ps 119), and not mine. to humble my stubborn, prideful, self-centered self and realize my lack of knowing what is good for myself apart from Him. all i have to offer Him is my broken and weak heart (ps 51:17) and a "yes" cry of my heart. oh that i may die to my self-preserving love for myself (john 12:25) and take joy in sweet adoration! oh that i may submit and surrender my every desire and look towards the joy set before me found at the day i see Him face to face. though the satisfaction is not instantaneous, i know it will be worth it.
until then, i will say yes to the wilderness, and offer all my heart. my Dad has big, steady hands, He knows what He's doing.
14 “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
I will lead her into the wilderness
and speak tenderly to her. 15 There I will give her back her vineyards,
and will make the Valley of Achora door of hope.
There she will respondas in the days of her youth,
as in the day she came up out of Egypt. 16 “In that day,” declares the LORD,
“you will call me ‘my husband’;
you will no longer call me ‘my master.’ 17 I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
no longer will their names be invoked. 18 In that day I will make a covenant for them
with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
I will abolish from the land,
so that all may lie down in safety. 19I will betroth you to me forever;
I will betroth you inrighteousness and justice,
inlove and compassion. 20 I will betroth you infaithfulness,
and you will acknowledge the LORD.
hosea 12:14-20
in Your lovingkindness, You woo me into the wilderness. oh the wilderness. it's only here where You speak so tenderly to me. all of a sudden, Your familiar voice becomes so clear. You turn my troubles into a door of hope. You are my peace, my hope. You are peace. You are hope. no longer my master, you are now my husband. in this place, with a ravished heart, You marry me forever.
there's gonna be a day when i stand before your throne, in the presence of the heavenly hosts of angels. i'll finally see you face to face. i'll know it was worth it all. there's gonna be a wedding, it's the reason that i'm living, to marry the Lamb. this is eternity's vision, to lose it all for the sake of gaining You.
Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
james 4:13-15
"If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, “I wonder why God allowed this or that?” And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God."
-oswald chambers
Jesus, take me into oneness with You. not my purpose for my life, but Your purpose for a life surrendered unto You. my life is no longer my own. remind me that my life is but a vapor. let me die to myself, to let you be my Leader. Your leadership is perfect, help my unbelief. where You go i go what you say i say, what You pray i pray. let me be one with Your will, your purpose. i surrender my will, my ambitions at Your feet. Abba, forgive me for my self-centeredness. forgive me for putting my ways above Yours. forgive me for my stubbornness and being an overthinking control freak and wanting things to always go my way in my time. all of time is in your hands. forgive me for my tunnel vision, my inability to see beyond my light and momentary afflictions, my inability to see the big picture, my inability to see things the way You see them. open up my eyes that i may see wondrous things from Your law. i lift up my eyes to You. i lift my soul to You. my help comes from You alone. give me grace to remain obedient to Your ways alone. help me to stop questioning Your ways and set my heart to find freedom in Your will alone. all i am, have and ever hope to be, all my ambitions hopes and plans are forever Yours. let eternity begin now, that i may be one with You. i am Yours, i am Yours, i am Yours.
Eric, will you trust Me?
You always strip my heart bare until I have nothing else to hold on to but You. in this place, the only thing I can do is cling on to you for dear life (and for the sake of my sanity)
there’s something very uncomfortable about barrenness. in this “naked” state of my heart, I come face to face with my depravity, and just how weak and vulnerable I am without Him. I don’t like feeling weak, unsure about the future. but my weakness shows areas of my life I have yet to surrender to Him. in this upside-down kingdom, only the weak enter the kingdom, only be strengthened, filled with hope that comes with submitting to the leadership of the One who created me. Eric, will you trust Me?
the beauty (and pain) of barrenness is that it forces me into a place of dependency. my flesh doesn’t want to become dependent. my flesh wants to be self-sufficient, confident in my own plans for the future, and secure in the life i’m dying to have control over. confession: I am a control freak. i like to have a tight grip on to every area of my life. there are few things that bring me more peace in life than knowing a future that I can have control over. few things bring me more peace than a world where relationships, career, and future is under my control Eric, will you trust Me? a season of transition is a season in the wilderness. but this kind of wilderness isn’t one where God feels distant and i feel dry. no, He has been close. very close. however, the wilderness is where i am stripped bare of anything and everything apart from His voice. I don’t have any secure thing to hold on to. in this place, and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I realize just how little control I have over my life. in this place, I suddenly realize I am in no place to lead myself. who do I think I am, to be under the impression that I know better than my Father? my life is no longer my own!
Jesus, it’s in Your kindness that You bring me to these places. help me to treasure these seasons. it’s only an act of Your grace that you would let me know my barrenness, that I may know how to lean. you have only one agenda, that you may have my all. I have one mission, to come and die. to lay all that I am at the foot of the cross, and to recognize my complete lack of any good thing, any secure thing apart from You. Jesus, help me to know nothing apart from the sound of your voice. Jesus, I am so bare, I need you so much. Jesus, come have my all. I am nothing without you. Jesus, i’m not as strong as I think that I am.
help me to trust You.
I know the end of the story, I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my beloved
favorite one. beloved son. bride. living sacrifice. lovesick. intimacy. glory. passion. fire. holy spirit. abundant life. peace. fearfully and wonderfully made. so satisfied with Him. transformed from glory to glory. kingdom come. thy will be done. on earth as in heaven. maranatha.
