identity

booooo
i still struggle with my insecurities with my identity.
i still find myself seeking the approval of others, to be liked by others, how others see me, and let that consume me.
i still find myself consumed with thoughts of this world, of my identity in the eyes of man when i should be more concerned about my identity in Jesus alone.
i still find submitting to the little tuggings of my selfish desires to become appealing on the outside to others.
i still find myself seeking that one approving comment from one person to satisfy me, to bring that one last bit of inner joy and boost to my self-value, at least for a while. but then i need more of it. and the cycle repeats. its like an addiction. to be loved. by others. love that i can see.

God, why am i so foolish?
help me to set my eyes not on what is seen, but what is unseen
why do i continue living as a slave like to my identity in the view of this world and in man?
help me to be loved by YOU.
Jesus, i want not to fear man, but to fear YOU alone.
Jesus, tug on my heart to set my eyes on the open heavens. on my identity as royalty. as your beloved prince.
and as your beloved prince, to live just as that, a life with no bondages, but freely as your beloved.
Jesus, i know i am your beloved son. and how much you love me.
help me to know that is more than enough.

~~~

on another note, this randomly came up today.
i'm really realizing that sometimes, ministry sometimes isn't satisfying. a lotta times i feel like i pour out so much. and at the end of the day, i feel unsatisfied. i sorta expected some sense of accomplishment i guess, or some feeling of success. but i realize that that there will always be more people that i need to love, always more people that need to spend time with and pour into. a neverending cycle.
which is why i love with the love that Jesus has first loved me. not to love for the sake of loving, or because i am a dorm team "leader", but to love because He first loved me. not to see love as a burden to do what is right but because i simply can't help it. becuase i know and have experienced this great kind of love from God that it overflows.
I want to relentlessly love others and never become tired of it because i know my identity as His beloved, and how much He loves me.

but alotta times i need to be reminded of His love for me.
i need to allow Him to be able to pour His love into me, and recieve it.
i need to be reminded of my idenity as His beloved son.
until then, i simply have run out of love.

happy birthday, Jesus

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ScT3QE_XtNA

ahh when i first watched this video like a month ago, i cried. 

i feel like my christmas, alotta times, becomes overshadowed by gifts, lots of food, and ski trips and shopping. which is totally fine, cause well, dude. i like to eat. and presents aren't bad either. haha. 

but where is Jesus? well duh, christmas is the birth of Jesus. but it's more than that. i mean Jesus' birthday is pretty much the most important birthday ever. like more important than all the gifts and birthday surprises we do for our friends. even i forget that sometimes. 

this video really breathes the presence of Jesus. it touches my heart. it brings the classical nativity scene to life. like how determined mary and joseph were to find a place to stay. and how there was no room for them. anywhere. kinda like my heart, and how a lotta times, its so distracted and has no room for Jesus to come in and dwell and find a resting place. but Jesus' love is relentless. He doesn't stop trying. and as i give in, He always finds a way into my heart.

and joseph's urgency and desperation to find a place, even if it was in a filthy manger. who is this king of glory? God of the universe, born in a dirty barnhouse thingy with hay and poop and other junks. no good.

and when baby Jesus was born, the beam light that shone from the sky. just the sense of God's favor and glory shining down from heaven, upon joseph and mary and the entire scene. the joy on mary and joseph's face, as the wisemen and shepherds were captivated and drawn to that bright beam, which really felt like a little opening of heaven. the beginning of open heaven, as Jesus ushers in the Kingdom of Heaven on earth. the beginning of an end to all suffering, sin, pain, condemnation on earth. a scene words cannot describe.

so beautiful

this is the birth of the Jesus i live for.

the Jesus that loves me and lives inside me,

the Jesus, who 33 years later, died on the cross for me.

the Jesus i gave my life to,

my king,

the Jesus i love so much.

Jesus, 

so worthy, 

to sing hallelujah, 

at the top of my lungs

happy birthday, Jesus

home

so right now i am sitting on the couch watching the chinese news with my mom

i just took a walk with my mom and dad. and my dog buddy. he's wearing this t-shirt thing that says "santa's helper". what a clown. he's so silly. 

it's freaking cold in norcal. it doesn't help that its raining. i don't ever remembering it be this cold. its the worst when you wake up in the morning and anywhere not under your covers feels like antarctica.

and putting on cold jeans is like the worst feeling ever.

and my mom is the best cook. on the face of this planet. hands down. ever.

home is good

agh it sorta hit me the other day before church. that every time i go home, not only do i take a break from school, but it's almost like i take a small break from God. i dunno why. yea, i still go to church. i still read. i still pray. but they feel less genuine. i really have to push myself to seek out God.

Lord, during this break, help me to seek you even more desparately, to have the patience to waith for your presence more than ever before.

this break God, 

more than ever before,

help me to sit at your feet 

to love on you

all the days of my life

all the days of my life

amazingness

AGhhh okay this can't wait any longer 

i can finally tell the world about something amazing.

its about...my dad.

so the other day i called home and i was talking to my sister and she said my dad went to church the other day. which made me super happy, cause he hasn't gone for like years. i praise God, cause well, i've been praying for my dad and his relationship with God for like as long as i can remember.

but it didn't end there.

my sister said that my dad accepted Jesus into his heart.

wait WHAT?!

in the background i heard my mom say "with God, anything is possible!"

my mind blanked. whirlwind of emotions.

no way. wait no. God. are you serious?

sooo my dad is pretty much the typical asian dad. its really hard for him to show or express love. he's gone alot for business trips, like 3 weeks each month. but he works hard to support our family.

i love my dad. i'd hafta say our relationship isn't as good as with my mom, which is kinda hard to beat. haha. just kidding, no, both my parents and family are my life. 

i love my dad, regardless of the many times he's hurt me, rejected me, criticized me, especially when i was a kid. it was always hard for me to please my dad. he rarely says anything good. but i still love him, despite how he's angry alot, and all the hurt he's caused our family, to my mom, my brother, my sister. i love my dad to death and i still pray for him every time i think about him. that he may one day get to know Jesus as his personal Lord and Savior.

as for church, i remember he went on and off when i was a kid. he said he went there for the free coffee. i remember we would go and he would fall asleep. and snore. haha. but nonetheless i was glad that he went. but then he lost interest and just stopped going altogether.

communication was never the best between us, and it was always the hardest thing for me to talk with my dad. too many times I’d ask “God, why is it that I can easily share about your love at school but fail to share with my own dad?" my heart broke for him. all i could do was pray.

but we could do small talk. like the news or something. anything beyond that was rare and felt really awkward. like when i call home and talk to him, its pretty much small talk. like "oh dad, i'm gonna go eat, or, i'm gonna study, or, how's the weather?" and the words church, God, or Jesus was definitely taboo. at home, it was hard for me even to go to friday youth groups. when i did go it felt like i was sneaking out or doing something bad. today its even hard for me to mention how all my friends are from my christian club, that i’m leading a bible study, and sharing God’s love on campus. these aren’t things i can easily share with my dad. he knows that me my mom brother and sister are all Christian and we to church every sunday. we would try every once in a while on a sunday to ask my dad to come with us. but he really didn' t care much to go. i feel like he knows about the whole church deal and what it means. I feel like he was at the point where it was up to me not to force Jesus onto him, but to show him what love means, through my actions, relentlessly loving on him, and desperately praying for him. and I would just let God work in his heart and do the rest.

it was so hard. my dad was always skeptical about christianity. i remember he got mad at my mom for voting for george bush cause the church told her to. haha. he was always skeptical about religious fanatics, and the catholic church and stuff. I think a lot has to do with the hypocrisy we see in christianity today as well.

and one thing that hit me the most was when he told me he was disappointed in me when he asked me about my career choice. that it appeared like the only thing i was passionate about was God. (which i was sorta glad he could see) but thats besides the point. he was skeptical about how i was letting an unseen force, faith in a God we can't see, can't feel take over my life. to him, faith in Jesus is just rationally illogical.

regardless, since coming to college, i still send him emails, and call him. and i tell him I love him. i keep telling him that i love him. at first he'd kinda pretend that he didn't hear it. but slowly he would say "i love you too, eric". over the summer, i tried to spend more time at home with him, loving unconditionally on him, and throughout it all, praying. praying praying, asking God to change his heart, to melt the hardness of his heart, the pride, and rejection, and anger, and fill it with His unconditional love.

it was hard. my dad didn't seem to get any more loving. in fact, oftentimes, he seemed to be even more hurtful than ever.

to be perfectly honest, oftentimes i lost faith. sometimes when my dad would get really mean, even after all these years of praying and loving on him, i would question, “God why? why do people have to be so hurtful?”

im so thankful for my mom. she never lost faith. she prayed relentlessly, loved on my dad relentlessly, even when he would be mean to her, and firmly believed that God has His timing, that one day, we would be sitting together as a family, all five of us in church worshipping our God together. and finally be able to hold bible studies at our house, with my dad leading. what a beautiful picture. my mom never let go to that image because she had faith that with God, all things are possible. my mom and i continued to press in prayer for dad.

and God broke through. His timing came. watching him radically transform my dad really reminded me of how relentlessly God pursues each one of us. how he holds each of our hearts in his hands from the moment we are created.

I don’t know what else to say. 7 years ago, my mom and dad were on the brink of divorce. my mom would not let it happen. besides how she wanted me my brother and sister to grow up with a dad, my mom firmly believed that God put my dad in her life for a reason, to show him love, and that she will do just that and not give up. God transformed a broken family into a loving one that now has a dad who knows the Lord.

and I am in awe.

I don’t know what else to say.

God, you totally leave me speechless.

~~~~~~~~

i sent him an email the other day:

dear daddy,

how are you?

i'm at the library studying. i will probably be here all day, cause i have a final tomorrow.

I just wanted to let you know how happy i was to hear that you accepted Jesus into your heart! it is such a big step of faith and i was so happy to hear you make the decision. mommy and i have been praying so much for you, and i have been praying almost every day for you, for so many years, even more since i left for college, whenever i thought about you, i would pray that God would bless your job, health, your well-being and especially that one day you would get to accept Jesus as your personal Savior, as God of your life.

i almost couldn't believe my ears when i talked to you on the phone yesterday. i was in tears. it was almost like a dream come true and it made me really reflect how good God is, and how faithful he is, how relentless His love is, how Jesus is so in love with each one of us that He never stops pursuing after our hearts. i told couple of my close friends whom i shared with about you, and they were so happy too!, because i had asked them in the past to pray for you too, especially during the recent economic slump. accepting Jesus into your heart brings a lot of peace and comfort and joy into our lives. it sure has for me. it gives us a purpose to live for, that life is far much greater than the oftentimes broken and painful physical world we see with our eyes, that we should take each day as a blessing and enjoy it, and know that when we die, we can go to heaven to enjoy eternity with God, the creator of the universe who is so in love with us. it also brings you into another family, of brothers and sisters in Christ. like we are family, you mommy, me, rick, and alicia, but there is another family when you become Christian, and that is like everyone in church, and as Christians we all strive to love, support and encourage each other the way Jesus loves us, which is, forgiving, unconditional, and different from the broken and often shallow "love" we see too often in the broken marriages, broken relationships in today's world. i don't mean to criticize, but just to say that there is a greater love in this world worth pursuing, and that can be found in Jesus! but gosh daddy, i am just so happy for you. don't feel like you have to understand everything, or if you feel unworthy, that you have alot of baggage, or so many past wrongs. because God's love is renewing, and when you believe in him, you are like a new creation. there is a verse in the bible which says: "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation; the old has gone, the new has come!" -2 corinthians 5:17. that means when you believe in Jesus, and ask him to forgive you of your past or whatever, he will completely wash them away and begin renewing you. all you have to do is ask and receive.

okay im sorry for talking so much but i am very excited for you. haha i don't think i have been this happy for a while. 

cant wait to go home! 

love eric

praise the Lord

baked christmas cookies today for lovely people heehee. now study. 1 more final tmrw.

ackggg C in ochem. final was no good. it felt okay though :/

i was kinda hoping for a B- at least. or C+?

i really studied my butt off

oh wells. its just a dumb letter anyways.

i think i've already established God, that my identity is in YOU, and not in a letter grade.

PRAISE THE LORD. GOD YOU ARE STILL GOOD AND EVEN NOW, JUST AS YOU ARE ALWAYS, WORTHY OF ALL MY PRAISE. HELP ME TO USE THIS SITUATION TO PRAISE YOU EVEN MORE. THANK YOU JESUS FOR HELPING ME PASS OCHEM. GIVE ME THE HEART TO TRULY BE THANKFUL AND TO FEEL AT PEACE. 

oh Lord, my God

I will give thanks to you forever.

open up the heavens

soo i'm not so good at this thing called blogging. i never understood why i should post stories about my life for other people to read. like who would care about what goes on in the life of eric shi. oh wells. i will give it a try. 

so finals week is over. sorta. except that i still have a final on friday. but its warren writing so its okay.

physics was gosh darn hard. shoot. i don't know what i could've done different. camping at irps for 4 days straight sun up to sun down. i really tried hard to study. i really prayed about it, asked for peace, that you may bless me and my career, that throughout it all YOU may be glorified. but Lord, i know you are still good. God i know that you are just as worthy regardless if i ace it or if i fail.

and Lord, you are still faithful. i went to warren canyon to read, and i realized how long its been since i have done that. to sit and dwell in the presence of psalms 136 (His love endures forever), and enjoy the beauty of nature, of your creation. to prepare a dwelling place in my heart for you the living God. a dwelling place that too often gets distracted by myself or of things of this world.

God, this quarter, more than ever before, you really have been using grades to woo me back to you. admidst the craziness of fall quarter, you always had a way to woo me back into your presence. God, thank you for your relentless love. how you do whatever it takes to pursue me.

give me more of these intimate moments Lord.

in love with you

http://www.imeem.com/apolprieto/music/-cvjSU5c/brian_and_jenn_johnson_a_little_longer/

sing you, 

dont have to do a thing

just simply be with me

and let those things go

cause they can wait another minute

wait,

this moment is too sweet,

would you please stay here with me

and love on me a little longer

you,

dont have to do a thing,

just simply be with me,

cause i like to be with you 

a little longer

i love to be with you a little longer

cause i'm in love with you

beautiful Jesus

your presence brings tears to my eyes