to gaze on Beauty

the voices never stop. they flood my mind and my soul, drowning out the only voice i live to hear: Yours. Your all-too-familiar, still, gentle voice. it's really loud here in this crazy mind of mines, and i miss the sound of Your voice.

the voices pull me away from my devotion to You. they tell me to be this or that, to be this type of person, to be that type of leader, to become more _______. these voices tell me to pray harder, to minister more, to love more, to study more, to plan more, to work harder, to strive more, to become a better version of me that i have not yet reached (nor will i ever reach). they tell me that i'll never be good enough for You, they tell me that that i must have it all together in order to be worthy of You. they accuse me of wasting my life running in circles, never getting anywhere. they tell me that i have to be in a certain posture and a certain mindset to enter into your presence, they tell me that i need to have the newest nugget of revelation in order to receive Your love.

i'm tired of it.

finally, they tell me to strive more, to wrestle more, to contend for Your presence until i'm blue in the face in order to have You.

well, maybe i will. maybe i will never rest. maybe i will never stop contending. maybe my heart will never stop wrestling. maybe i will never be in a place where i feel like i'm okay with where i'm at with You.

because i must have You. i just must have more of You. i don't think i will ever be satisfied. You do satisfy, but on this side of heaven, until the day i see You face to face, i don't think it's ever going to be enough. i'm too hungry, too desperate, too thirsty, too stubborn to settle where i'm at right now and be content with what i already have with You. it's gonna take the rest of my life to achieve it, but i know. i know it's gonna be worth it all.

and when i'm tired of contending and when i realize i've been talking too much and over-thinking and being really silly, i'm gonna:

stop.

sit.

be still.

let go.

surrender.

receive.

i'm gonna wait,

and gaze on Beauty.

Beauty.

i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met.

~~~

sometimes i wonder if i've been irrational. i wonder if i've been too impractical, too narrow-minded. i wonder if i've been too extreme. i wonder if i've become obsessive, and i even wonder if i've been brainwashed by IHOP. i wonder if i've been too self-seeking, self-serving, self-pleasing in spending more time with You than loving others. i wonder if i've been too selfish in taking a step back from this world, from relationships, leaving behind others, in order to love You. i wonder just how badly i've failed as a minister, as a leader, as a world-changer, as a witness, as a light in this dark world. i wonder just how selfish have been in wasting my life away with You in the secret place, when i could be doing so many other things to serve You.

these voices are getting really loud.

they've been telling me to be someone else.

unfortunately for them, i now know who i am.

eric shi, lover of God. my only identity, and my only calling. to love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.

and You were kind to remind me that i've chosen the good part, what is better. and it will not be taken away from me.

until then, i'll turn my glance into a gaze.

i ravish His heart

i am a lover of Jesus.

i don't love Him because i am particularly good at loving. i don't love Jesus because i am a religious or a spiritual person, or because i have some special talent, or because it's a hobby i'm really good at. i don't love Jesus because i was born with an innate desire to love, nor because it's what my mind naturally thinks about. rather, it's quite the opposite. i'm easily distracted by the things of this world. my mind, my thoughts, my emotions are easily attracted to the praise i get from men, and i easily value my reputation over loving Him. i struggle daily with doubt, with dullness, and a heart that fails to love an intangible God that i can't see or feel. daily i wrestle with His goodness in my life and for those around me, and i am left empty, filled only with unbelief.

in this place, i come face to face with my depravity, the fullness of my sin and shame, and the extent of my brokenness. however, instead of sinking deeper and deeper into my despair, hopelessness, and the bottomless pit of depression, i realize how much more i need Jesus. more than yesterday. i realized that i can't love Jesus on my own, but i need Him to love Him. simply put, i can't love Jesus only because He loved me first.

my love for Jesus has one source. it comes from knowing His love for me. my passion for Jesus comes from knowing His passion for me. i'm motivated to love Him when i know just how much He loves me, and that He sees me.

so i turn my gaze upon the face of Love. i turn my every single thought, emotion, my entire attention and fix my thoughts on the person of Love. i study His love for me. His passionate love, His jealous love, love that endured getting beaten to a pulp and nailed to a cross left to die, to the one who gave it all to have me. because i forget. i forget if He really loves me that much. i forget if He's really worth it. i forget if He's worth my time, and my effort. i forget that He sees me, that He's thinking about me, and that He's been here with me the whole time. during these times, i realize that don't even know Him anymore, because if i did, i couldn't help but love Him. if i only knew how much He loves me, i can't help but run towards Him! (john 4:10)

~~~

a few weeks ago i found this song, and it ruined me. (click on the 7th song) http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19433075467

set out 23 minutes, listen to it, and you will never be the same.

it ruins me in the sense that it forever changes the way i think and feel about Him, and the way i see Him. as His Spirit and my spirit collide, my old, broken, doubtful view of His love is destroyed, left in pieces. the song continues to wreck me even today because it brings me face to face with the person of Love. as dullness and the lies of the enemy accumulate over the days, my heart fills with doubt, and i begin to miss Him, blinded with a sense of His absence in my life. as His nearness and Truth leave me, i am left needing to be reminded by who He is. and as the song plays He embraces me and His nearness floods my heart, mind, and emotions. i finally let go of everything, my soul surrendered, and gaze upon the face of Jesus. He is beautiful, fairest among ten thousand, altogether lovely. i sit still and listen, allowing Him to whisper to my soul what He has been thinking about me for eternity past and eternity to come.

all i can do is melt into His arms.

oh, how i love you, God.

come, sweep me away.

dear

God,

You know the deepest longings and desires of my heart.

and i know that You long to satisfy the deepest longings and desires of my heart.

so here is my heart. You can have it all.

would You come and satisfy.

surrendering of the soul

about a month ago i asked Him: how do i surrender my soul? what does it take? what does it take to be possessed, consumed by Your Spirit? i want it! i will do whatever it takes to achieve it!

i didn't get an answer. rather, He began a journey in me that i realized will only take a lifetime for me to discover.

i would like to think that i have Him all figured out. i like to wish that i knew exactly what He's saying to me, what He is teaching me, where He is leading me, what He is doing with my heart in and out of season, so i can journal it down, slap a label on it, put it on my shelf of truths, and perhaps even blog about it to share what He is doing with my heart.
i like to wish that His ways with me were simple and clear-cut, delivered to me in the form of a nice, neat, pretty package with a bow on top. i'd like to wish that His ways were pain-free, stress-free, straightforward, fast, and user-friendly. (like a macbook)
i like to think that i have all His ways figured out. i like to think that i knew exactly what He was doing on my heart every moment as i grow as a lover of Him.

but this time, i just don't know. and maybe that's okay. maybe it's okay to not know. maybe it's okay to have no clear direction of where He's leading me, no sense of destination, but to follow His every small movement.
maybe it's okay to wait upon Him not for the sake of a revelation, or a breakthrough, a truth, or another piece of wisdom. because in the end, i don't worship a revelation or a truth. yes, He is Truth and revelations help me see Him better, and He gives me such things as markers of our walk together, but in the end, they do not define my relationship in Him. in the end, i wait for a man, and His name is Jesus. i wait upon Him and the character of His goodness alone.

maybe for once, it's okay not to have everything figured out and pretend like i know what He is doing. but to realize that He is God and i am not. and to fall on my knees in humility and in love.

maybe that's what it means to surrender my soul. to let go and wait. to lay prostrate and let Him do the work in my heart. and not go out searching and seeking for answers to the million bajillion questions on my mind, but to be still and know Him alone.

but it meant for me to fall flat on my face. and for Him to reveal my self-righteous, take-things-into-my-own-hands, know-it-all, performance-driven spirit. to reveal a type of worship that lacked the patience to wait and let Him be God. a type of worship that brought burnt offerings and sacrifices instead of a broken and contrite heart. He continues to break me so that He can get rid of things that stand in my way of seeing Him. in the jealousy of His love, He breaks me so that He can give me more.
He does this because his mind is filled with me.

~~~

at the end of the day, it's only You.
to be lost in the gaze of Your eyes.
to be with You.

for now, life shall be these 3 things:
to walk in the cool of the day with You
to gaze on the beauty of all You do
to mediate on Your glorious splendor.

i was made for You

carving out a place

carving of the heart hurts

but i asked for it

and You answered

here i am LORD
a broken vessel
still i will sing to You

let it be a sweet sweet sound

show me Your face

show me Your glory