learning

confession: i've been working on this post for....3 days now. haha i never have the time to finish it aoidfja;oja;sldfi

i've been learning alot these days.

1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?

i am called to be a lover of God.

yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.

time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.

my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.

my dream is:

I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.

but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.

mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.

my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?

2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.

3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.

4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.

5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.

6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life

7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.

8) treasure relationships deeply

9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.

10) treasure friendships deeply

11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.

i'm still learning.

onething

onething Jesus.

it's the freaking web address to this blog. there was a point where i thought the phrase was really cheesy and something i borrowed from IHOP. but i'm finally beginning to realize the magnitude of this concept to my faith, to my life. i'm realizing the impact psalm 27:4 has on my life, what i strive for, what makes my heart beat. it's what i was created for. that i live for intimacy. Jesus, give me intimacy or give me death. i would rather die than live a lukewarm life. God, i live for onething: to be intimate with You, Jesus. to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God, how i live to gaze upon Your beauty. God, how my eyes were created for onething: to gaze upon your beauty. Jesus, take my eyes off anything that is not You. ministry can even wait. how can i serve when i don't even know the one i'm serving? how can i get caught up in activities and "doing" when i don't even recognize the face of the one i love?

all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you, oh Jesus,
and make you known.

intimacy is: our hearts open to the Holy Spirit, to allow Jesus to dwell. it is a sense of knowing God's nearness around us every moment of our conscious awareness. it is a posture of welcoming the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, every moment. intimacy is a sense of desire, to know the Father's heart, the way He knows ours.

waiting upon God is: a longing to wait for His presence, to sit and be still and know His presence is near and upon us. it is a longing to see the beauty of His face. it is sitting in silence, purging our minds of everything but Jesus. to be captivated. it is an exercise of faith, of aligning our hearts with His heart, trading our brokenness for His righteousness. from glory to glory.

God, give me the right heart posture. one that truly, genuinely desires You. one that welcomes You, yearns for You, moans, groans, and desires You. give me a heart like david. a heart that longs to behold your beauty. a heart that hungers and thirsts and will not get rest until i know it is aligned with You to dwell. refine my heart God, set my heart ablaze for You. come Holy Spirit. i love You Jesus.

Jesus says:

heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
where is the house you will build for me?
where will my resting place be?
-is. 66:1

I say to Him:

here oh Lord
have i prepared for you a home
long have i desired for you to dwell

here oh Lord
have i prepared a resting place

here oh Lord
i wait for you alone

God, fill me with your presence.
Jesus, fill me with your Holy Spirit.
never, ever, anything less, God.

ack! so much to write

ahhh its been a while. alot has happened!

finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.

interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.

i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif

ack enough of that.

but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.

You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.

and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.

and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.

~~~

so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.

okay here we go:

i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.

i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.

okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!

this is the desktop wallpaper on my computer

it's been my desktop for over sixth months now. and for me, that's like a world record because i get bored easily with the appearance of things especially like gmail (praise the Lord for all the variety of themes) and usually change my desktop wallpaper at least once every week. it's like i have ADD or something. woe is me.

but i don't think i'm gonna change this wallpaper for a while. probably never. we will see. it conveys an image that i hold very close to my heart. when some people see my wallpaper they are like "oh eric, you are so holy!" and stuff like that but it's not like i'm trying to be holy or anything. it's quite simple. i really love Jesus. and there's no other face i'd rather see than His face. hence, His face on my desktop.

i mean, some people put a picture of their boyfriend/girlfriend, but for me, it's Jesus. hooray! i have Jesus.

but this picture really means alot to me. it is what i live for. it is my purpose in life. when life gets really hectic, when the days fly by, i still need to remember my identity, why i am even put on this earth, why i was created, why i even exist. that i live not for the present, not what is in front of me, but for what is unseen, what is eternal. that one day, i can come face to face with my Lover, my Creator, the one who ravishes my heart, the one whom i yearn for every moment of my life. that i live for one thing, to achieve the prize, to hear Him say welcome home, son, and to give me that embrace, an embrace i have gotten tastes of, oh but i can only begin to imagine what it would be like in heaven!

there are so many images in this picture. first off, the look on His face. it's a mixture of joy, of relief, of comfort, of peace. a yearning finally fulfilled. cause how long He has been waiting for me! that I have finally come home. a look of deep, passionate love.

and i'm in this picture as well! haha. i can only begin to imagine what my face would look like on the other side. probably just a mess. haha. i don't think words can describe it. a mixture of ecstatic joy, so overwhelmed with love beyond my spirit can bear. and as i am in His embrace all my mind can think of is how He loves me so.

and so many other things. in heaven i find Him in all his completeness. the Father's hands welcoming home. the dove, the Holy Spirit descending upon me. Jesus in my embrace. ahhhhhasidfoja;osifdjsd;

and the rainbow. mommy always says the rainbow is a symbol of God's promise. like after he flooded the earth God sent a rainbow as a promise to Noah. and the rainbow is God's promise to me. that this is my purpose: eric fan shi was created for one thing: to love and be loved. that while i am on this earth, as i seek Him and love Him with all my heart soul strength and mind, this is what i will be striving for.

now that gives me a reason to wake up and praise the Lord. even if that means waking up to sit on my butt in the same old room in the same old spot and study and stare at C's and H's and dashes for 15 hours straight. for 5 days straight. well maybe with some breaks.

but this is what i put my hope in. when i get so overwhelmed this is what i hold on to. every breath i take. every moment i'm awake. this is my heartbeat.