thank you

thank you, Holy Spirit
studying for MCATs has been hard.
but
i praise you Jesus, for you are good.

oh LORD, my God, i will give thanks to you forever.

~~~

shout for joy the the LORD, all the earth
worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.

know that the LORD is God.
it is He who made us, and we are his
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture

enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.

For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
psalm100

story of my summer.
story of my life.

~~~

thank you, Father, for your ways are higher than my ways
thank you, Abba, for you know what is best for me, better than what i think is best for myself.
thank you, Daddy, that i can be called your kid, and you always give me the best
thank you, Father, for your leadership in my life is perfect
thank you, Jesus, for you hold me, my life, my future, in the palm of your hands
thank you, Holy Spirit, that even when i can't see your goodness, you help me to
thank you, Holy Spirit, that when i whine and complain, your light shines on me and i realize how silly i am and how good you really are
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you help me set my gaze not on myself, not on what is in front of me, but on your beauty, on your grace,
thank you, Holy Spirit, that you overcome my fleshy short-sightedness and give me eyes to see you
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are so much greater than my emotions or my mood
thank you, Holy Spirit, for helping me keep my eyes on You and not on my circumstances or surroundings
thank you, Holy Spirit, for the indestructible peace that dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, that i don't have to ask for peace, because the One that is peace already dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, for all the days of my life are filled with your love, peace, and joy
thank you, Jesus, for this summer, taking me from glory to glory
thank you, Jesus, for you are so faithful
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are closer than i really think or realize
thank you, Jesus, because you really do value me more than anything else
thank you, Jesus, because you are the Renewer of my soul
thank you, Abba, because you put my heart together when it has been broken and wounded
thank you, Jesus, for you hear the cries of my heart
thank you, Jesus, for your mercies are new every morning
thank you, Jesus, that my relationship with you isn't an end result in heaven, but it is a daily fellowship, relational, everlasting, romantic hand-in-hand walk in the park date
thank you, Jesus, that i can just enjoy being with you and not have to say anything
thank you, Jesus, that even if my thoughts aren't always on you, you are still thinking of me
thank you, Jesus, for you are altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether beautiful to me
thank you, Abba, for you never leave me nor forsake me
thank you, Daddy, for you call me beloved son

LORD, YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR MERCY ENDURETH FOREVER

heart cry

Jesus, so is this how it feels?
is this how your heart burns for me? is this the kind of firey passion that your heart burns for? all for me? Jesus, i can't believe it.
is this how much you think about me? is this how much i am on your mind? day and night, night and day?
is this how you long for me? is this how you yearn for me? is this how you long to see my face, to know my thoughts, and my desires?
is this how you long to spend time with me, just to be with me for a little longer?
is this how much you treasure the moments we spend together, and how much you enjoy just being with me?
is this the jealous love you have for me? is this the all consuming fire that is your love? the type of love that wants all of me for yourself? Jesus, that you will fight for my love, you will fight pursue me and fight off anything that keeps my heart from yours, even to the point of death so that my heart can be yours? and God, you won't stop fighting for me until you have it all. you won't relent until you have all my heart.
and Jesus, to know that you are pursuing me? that you are the pursuer in this relationship, that you have been the one to woo me into this love relationship? that you relentlessly pursue me, you run hard after me, you chase after me.
is this the love you have for me? who am i God, who am i? for you to love me so? for you to wait for me, even after all the times i have failed to recognize or embrace your presence? after all the times i've been too lazy or apathetic just to be with you?
who am i, for you to stand there, waiting, with arms wide open, just longing for that moment that i glance at you and your heart melts.
God, to know that i melt your heart when i gaze upon you? to know that I ravish your heart with just one glance of my eyes? that one glance of my distraction-ridden, unfaithful, broken, impatient, ever-skirting eyes, can move the heart of my Creator? who am i God, who am i?

asdfiojas;dlfsdflij

Jesus stumbles me

Jesus stumbles me. really badly. alot. alright, yes, girls can stumble me too. but just how much more does Jesus stumble me!

you have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride;
you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes.
song of songs 4:9

other translations are:
you have captivated my heart.
you have made my heart beat faster.
you have captured my heart.
you have stolen my heart.

these are all really powerful words that try to explain what goes on in our heart when we are in love.

but i like ravished the best.
what the heck is ravished? dictionary.com defines it as:

ravish (verb)
to fill with strong emotion, especially joy.

actually i don't really like that definition hah. it doesn't do the the word justice.

i have never heard of the word ravished. the only time i've ever heard it used is in this verse in the bible. i really feel like it's a really special word. it's what happens ONLY when we have a love encounter with God. you see, God's love is so powerful and good, that it ravishes us. it's sorta along the lines of ruining, messing up our heart so badly cause His love is so powerful and all-consuming fire, and it leaves us never the same, we are never the same when we encounter His love. cause no other love in the world can ravish our hearts. no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no material thing.

we can think we know love. what is love anyways? you think you know love? you do not know love until you know the One who is love, who is the One who from just one glance of His eyes, our hearts are filled with such strong emotion and joy and we are just so moved and our heart melts and is overwhelmed and is just about to explode because we are ENCOUNTERING THE VERY DEFINITION OF LOVE. surely it is much stronger than the butterflies we get in our stomach when you talk to that girl you have a crush on! cause every morning when i wait upon His presence i get so moved in my spirit that when i set my gaze upon His beauty my heart is about to burst cause i am gazing on the FACE THAT IS PERFECT LOVE with fire in His eyes and such passion for me and i can't even explain what my heart is feeling because my heart is being consumed by the fire of His love, it is so powerful that words cannot describe and His love has exceeded my capacity to experience emotions, His love has exceeded the limit of my human emotion and i realize i am only catching a glimpse of the fullness of Him that is love and i am ENTHRALLED and overwhelmed by how HE LOVES ME SO and how good He is and nothing else in the world matters anymore, i don't want to think about anything else because His jealous love has consumed me, God, don't hold back, pour it out, open Heaven, help me to take it all in, and just stay in this moment with you, just to be with you a little longer, God i don't want to do anything else or be anywhere else but right here with You, i just want to stay here forever, for eternity, cause this is who you created me to be, this is what you created me to feel, to experience, the purpose of my very existence. to be loved. forever.

how can i, stand here with you, and not be moved by you?

lovesick

"if you find my beloved, as to what you will tell him: for I am lovesick."
song of songs 5:8

what does it mean to be lovesick for Jesus? surely it is more than just a fancy word on my profile. urban dictionary says this:

love-sick (adj.)
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking on your love, having dreamt of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with one's love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.

YES! that is what it is! what a good description. too bad whoever wrote this was probably talking about being lovesick for like his girlfriend. haha. or like that girl you have a crush on but just too afraid to tell her. BUT anyways. funny how holy the definition sounds. it even mentions "consuming fire" of the heart. dang. if only our hearts were consumed with fire for Jesus the way it is consumed for our girlfriend. i mean not that girlfriends are bad. ANYWAYS. if we can feel this way about another person, how much more can i feel this way about my Creator? I am lovesick for Jesus. and i will strive always to be lovesick. nothing short. the end.

that makes a lot of sense. to be so in love with Jesus that i don't even function properly. that my life is wrecked, is ruined (of course, in such a good way) that it is no longer normal. my life has been so ruined that it is no longer normal. because in this world, normal just isn't good enough. normal means we live to go to school, graduate, get an average job, get our white picket fence and 2.5 children, to retire and die. in this broken world, normal means a life that suffers from depression, loneliness, sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, emptiness. normal means seeking after things and relationships in this world only to find out that they do not satisfy. normal means seeking out love that fails us and rejects us. and all we can do is cry.

my life has been ruined. i find myself waking up thinking about Him, before i sleep. i think about Him when i brush my teeth, and many moments when i shower. i daydream with Him as i take the bus to school, He speaks to me as i study. i chat with Him when i eat lunch, and even more when i drive. He goes running with me, and the same goes for each lap i swim in the pool. He speaks to me as i study. We go on dates, and i cook with Him all the time. He is the last person i talk to before i sleep, even as i yearn for Him to speak to me in my dreams. He is so near. a moment with Him is sometimes just not enough, as i yearn to spend eternity with Him.

a few weeks ago marked the 1-year anniversary of this blog. haha wow. yay! what a year! i thought i was such a girl to be blogging. but its okay. i enjoy ranting on this thing and if anyone is interested in what i am saying then they can read. but my intentions one year ago are still the same today. i pray that through this blog and my silly words, people can have a love encounter with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. haha it's silly i have been praying for you. yes you. yes, it might sound lame, but i pray for people who read my blog. that you may know the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3
i pray that my blog speak life and encouragement. i pray that a glimpse of my life gives hope to love Jesus more.

reflecting made me realize how much i have grown in loving Jesus. but at the same time as i dive deeper into the depths of His love i realize how much i lack the capacity to experience the fullness of His love. i realize just how much i fall short in loving Him the way He loves me. i get frustrated and bothered so much when i can't love Him well. every time i feel like i got everything down in loving Him, i realize i fail in another area. BUT IT IS SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO BE.

it troubles me when i find a weakness in my love. to be lovesick means to be wounded in my heart to love Him. i want to love Him more. there is a pain in my heart to give myself more fully to Him. i want to pay attention to this holy pain in my heart. its a pain where i cry out, "God, i want to give you my all but i have not done it faithfully. i want to experience your all but i do not have the capacity to experience your all. but i will do whatever is necessary to give myself fully, to receive you fully, this is my life dream."

~~~

this summer has been about the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT. GAH. the Holy Spirit is not just for charismatics. let's get it right. we are in the age of the Holy Spirit. after Jesus died on the cross and left the earth, all He left was the Holy Spirit. we can't pretend that it doesn't exist, or downplay His importance, or doubt that we can love Jesus without any relationship with the third Person that is the Holy Spirit. so come Holy Spirit.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
1) speak to me Holy Spirit. listening to the voice of God, the prophetic
2) physical healing: just do it. boldness to pray for the sick.
3) asking for visions and dreams every night before i sleep. it works!

just for kicks, 3 things:
1) power for prayer
2) power for healing
3) things that do not make sense will make sense. (as in my life calling). God will be open doors