waves of life

¹⁵As for man, his days are like grass;
   he flourishes like a flower of the field;
¹⁶ for the wind passes over it, and it is gone,
   and its place knows it no more.
¹⁷ But the steadfast love of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear him,
   and his righteousness to children’s children,
¹⁸ to those who keep his covenant
   and remember to do his commandments.
ps 103:15-17
 
our lives are like waves tossed in the ocean of life. as human beings, the ups and downs of circumstance, stress, emotions, feelings, and seasons are what naturally determine our well-being. unfortunately, we often let these "non-factors" determine our relationship with Jesus.
at the very core of spirituality and a relationship with Jesus is this: to deny ourselves and embrace the steadfast love of Jesus. it is a conscious decision (a difficult one for that matter) to say no to our un-Godly emotions (fear, anxiety, depression) and to renew our minds in the loving promises of Christ. we have to be really intentional in how we take our mind off of the present light and momentary circumstance/emotion/feeling and set our focus and gaze on the constancy of the character of God. and how easy we forget the faithfulness of God! and how easy our mind and faith falters! yet even in weakness, He loves us.
our decision to say a (weak) yes to Jesus when we least feel like it is a very counter-cultural, counter-intuitive way of thinking. it is a very selfless act to deny our self-seeking, self-centered way of thinking and to set our heart, soul, mind, and spirit on the living word of God, the man Christ Jesus, the One who makes all things work for our good. let our hearts be anchored in the love of Christ in the midst of the rocking and shaking in the waves of life. let us come to Jesus, the One who, at the end of the day, is the only one who knows what is good for me.

Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.
rom 12:2 

i believe in the worth of the Lamb

excellencies of Christ

i find my heart longing today, lonely, hungry for something authentic. something is awakening in the depths, stirred in this season by an unknown hand, an unseen Helper. my heart can barely stand the thought of another unique teaching or keen insight from another anointed vessel. i am aching only for Jesus, wanting Him and Him alone, undone by the piercing depths of His heart, His life, and his love. -a.h.

the cross was not drudgery for You. You bore the cross with joy. joy even in the midst of unfathomable pain. joy because You were thinking of me. Your sole longing was me, that i may be with You and see You in Your glory, that i would be able to feel the same love Your Father had for You. joy because you knew that all death and humiliation was nothing compared to receiving the greatest yearning of Your heart -- me.

life abundant

there's so much more that i can't see right now,
but if i wait on You,
You'll show me more than i can believe.
i will find my contentment in You.

life abundant, nothing less.

until that day

so we do not lose heart. though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. for this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. tor the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.

if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith—more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire—may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ. though you have not seen him, you love him. though you do not now see him, you believe in him and rejoice with joy that is inexpressible and filled with glory, obtaining the outcome of your faith, the salvation of your souls.
 
blessed is the man who remains steadfast under trial, for when he has stood the test he will receive the crown of life, which God has promised to those who love him.

2 cor 4:16-18, 1 pet 1:6-9, james 1:12

but until that day, i'm longing for the new jerusalem.

the wilderness

few say yes to it. it's a place of testing (james 1:3), trials (james 1:2), refining (rev. 3:18), purifying (rev. 19:7), purging (gal 5:24), self denial (matt 16:24), death to self (phil 1:21), shaking (heb 12:27), breaking-and-molding (2 cor 4:7). the wilderness is characterized with seasons of pain, distress, (light and momentary) affliction, weakness, temptation, doubt, and suffering. such seasons are filled with wrestling, contending, warfare, persevering, toiling, striving, enduring. and throughout it all, we wonder: is this what i signed up for? is this what i said yes to when i agreed to follow You no matter the cost? where is the joy? the freedom? the peace that You claim to offer?

we do whatever we can to avoid the wilderness. we busy ourselves with distractions, any temporary (inferior) pleasure to keep us from coming face to face with the barrenness that is the depravity of our soul and a lack of any good thing apart from the love of Jesus. there is something very uncomfortable about the barrenness of a human heart exposed to the glory of God. as our heart is put into the refining furnace of His love, impurities come out--suddenly our loneliness, emptiness, and insecurities are exposed. suddenly, i realize that i don't trust God as much as i thought i did...God, are you really good? are you there God? i'm really hurting right now. if you really are as good as you say you are, why is there so much crap in my life? why do You feel so far? do You really care about me? God this sucks, i am so sad right now. we get uncomfortable, and we want out of the fire as soon as possible, and we settle--we make our way to the wide road of lukewarm christianity, where we don't have to deal with the discomforts of what ultimately is offense at God. how could you put me through that, God? we leave and we jump right back into the busy-ness of christian routine and hide under our religious christian "label" and grind out our mundane and unfulfilling life until we die and (supposedly) reach heaven. (my bad for being so blunt)

the saddest thing about wilderness seasons is that by avoiding them, we are actually denying a gift straight from the Father's heart. by indulging ourselves in temporary distractions, chasing after broken cisterns that which dull our ears to the whispers of His voice alluring us into the wilderness, we are ultimately missing out on the fountain of life, superior pleasures found at His right hand! it's His kindness and His grace that beckons us to come closer to His throne of grace. it is an invitation to come and enter into the fullness of life! it begins with allowing Him to surface the doubts, fears, offense, insecurities so deeply rooted in our hearts that we didn't even know they were there in the first place, and surrender at the foot of the cross, so that we may live a life of freedom and abundant life (john 10:10).

one of the hardest things about the wilderness is to believe that we are making progress. am i just running in circles, God? God, you feel so far right now, are you really doing a work in my heart right now? i'm so frustrated right now, sitting here wrestling with You. i don't think i'm getting anywhere. yet by faith we take things day by day, step by step, renewing our spirit in His daily mercies, as we deny the lies that tell us anything otherwise, cling to His promises (rom 8:28), and set our eyes on the goal of seeing His face.

i need a perspective shift. yes, to be poor in spirit (matt 5:3) and to recognize every good and perfect gift comes from His throne of grace (james 1:17). to set my eyes upon His ways, to seek and say yes to every word that comes from His mouth, that i may remain abiding in His word (ps 119), and not mine. to humble my stubborn, prideful, self-centered self and realize my lack of knowing what is good for myself apart from Him. all i have to offer Him is my broken and weak heart (ps 51:17) and a "yes" cry of my heart. oh that i may die to my self-preserving love for myself (john 12:25) and take joy in sweet adoration! oh that i may submit and surrender my every desire and look towards the joy set before me found at the day i see Him face to face. though the satisfaction is not instantaneous, i know it will be worth it.

until then, i will say yes to the wilderness, and offer all my heart. my Dad has big, steady hands, He knows what He's doing.

i will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart

eternity's vision

¹⁴ “Therefore I am now going to allure her;
   I will lead her into the wilderness
   and speak tenderly to her.
¹⁵ There I will give her back her vineyards,
   and will make the Valley of Achor a door of hope.
There she will respond as in the days of her youth,
   as in the day she came up out of Egypt.
 ¹⁶ “In that day,” declares the LORD,
   “you will call me ‘my husband’;
   you will no longer call me ‘my master.’
¹⁷ I will remove the names of the Baals from her lips;
   no longer will their names be invoked.
¹⁸ In that day I will make a covenant for them
   with the beasts of the field, the birds in the sky
   and the creatures that move along the ground.
Bow and sword and battle
   I will abolish from the land,
   so that all may lie down in safety.
¹⁹ I will betroth you to me forever;
   I will betroth you in righteousness and justice,
   in love and compassion.
²⁰ I will betroth you in faithfulness,
   and you will acknowledge the LORD.
hosea 12:14-20

in Your lovingkindness, You woo me into the wilderness. oh the wilderness. it's only here where You speak so tenderly to me. all of a sudden, Your familiar voice becomes so clear.
You turn my troubles into a door of hope. You are my peace, my hope. You are peace. You are hope.
no longer my master, you are now my husband. in this place, with a ravished heart, You marry me forever.

there's gonna be a day when i stand before your throne, in the presence of the heavenly hosts of angels. i'll finally see you face to face. 
i'll know it was worth it all.
there's gonna be a wedding, it's the reason that i'm living, to marry the Lamb.
this is eternity's vision, to lose it all for the sake of gaining You.

a purpose

Now listen, you who say, “Today or tomorrow we will go to this or that city, spend a year there, carry on business and make money.” Why, you do not even know what will happen tomorrow. What is your life? You are a mist that appears for a little while and then vanishes. Instead, you ought to say, “If it is the Lord’s will, we will live and do this or that.”
james 4:13-15

"If we are in fellowship and oneness with God and recognize that He is taking us into His purposes, then we will no longer strive to find out what His purposes are. As we grow in the Christian life, it becomes simpler to us, because we are less inclined to say, “I wonder why God allowed this or that?” And we begin to see that the compelling purpose of God lies behind everything in life, and that God is divinely shaping us into oneness with that purpose. A Christian is someone who trusts in the knowledge and the wisdom of God, not in his own abilities. If we have a purpose of our own, it destroys the simplicity and the calm, relaxed pace which should be characteristic of the children of God."
-oswald chambers

Jesus, take me into oneness with You. not my purpose for my life, but Your purpose for a life surrendered unto You. my life is no longer my own. remind me that my life is but a vapor. let me die to myself, to let you be my Leader. Your leadership is perfect, help my unbelief. where You go i go what you say i say, what You pray i pray. let me be one with Your will, your purpose. i surrender my will, my ambitions at Your feet. Abba, forgive me for my self-centeredness. forgive me for putting my ways above Yours. forgive me for my stubbornness and being an overthinking control freak and wanting things to always go my way in my time. all of time is in your hands. forgive me for my tunnel vision, my inability to see beyond my light and momentary afflictions, my inability to see the big picture, my inability to see things the way You see them. open up my eyes that i may see wondrous things from Your law.
i lift up my eyes to You. i lift my soul to You. my help comes from You alone. give me grace to remain obedient to Your ways alone. help me to stop questioning Your ways and set my heart to find freedom in Your will alone. all i am, have and ever hope to be, all my ambitions hopes and plans are forever Yours. let eternity begin now, that i may be one with You. i am Yours, i am Yours, i am Yours.

barrenness

Eric, will you trust Me?
You always strip my heart bare until I have nothing else to hold on to but You. in this place, the only thing I can do is cling on to you for dear life (and for the sake of my sanity)
there’s something very uncomfortable about barrenness. in this “naked” state of my heart, I come face to face with my depravity, and just how weak and vulnerable I am without Him. I don’t like feeling weak, unsure about the future. but my weakness shows areas of my life I have yet to surrender to Him. in this upside-down kingdom, only the weak enter the kingdom, only be strengthened, filled with hope that comes with submitting to the leadership of the One who created me.
Eric, will you trust Me?
the beauty (and pain) of barrenness is that it forces me into a place of dependency. my flesh doesn’t want to become dependent. my flesh wants to be self-sufficient, confident in my own plans for the future, and secure in the life i’m dying to have control over. confession: I am a control freak. i like to have a tight grip on to every area of my life.  there are few things that bring me more peace in life than knowing a future that I can have control over. few things bring me more peace than a world where relationships, career, and future is under my control
Eric, will you trust Me?
 a season of transition is a season in the wilderness. but this kind of wilderness isn’t one where God feels distant and i feel dry. no, He has been close. very close. however, the wilderness is where i am stripped bare of anything and everything apart from His voice. I don’t have any secure thing to hold on to. in this place,  and as much as I don’t want to admit it, I realize just how little control I have over my life. in this place, I suddenly realize I am in no place to lead myself. who do I think I am, to be under the impression that I know better than my Father? my life is no longer my own!

Jesus, it’s in Your kindness that You bring me to these places. help me to treasure these seasons. it’s only an act of Your grace that you would let me know my barrenness, that I may know how to lean. you have only one agenda, that you may have my all. I have one mission, to come and die. to lay all that I am at the foot of the cross, and to recognize my complete lack of any good thing, any secure thing apart from You. Jesus, help me to know nothing apart from the sound of your voice. Jesus, I am so bare, I need you so much. Jesus, come have my all. I am nothing without you.
Jesus, i’m not as strong as I think that I am.
help me to trust You.


I know the end of the story, I come up from the wilderness, leaning on my beloved