every few months, the voices come back, "eric, you've gone too far. eric, you're too extreme, too intense. eric, you spend too much alone time with God. eric, you need to balance your life better. eric, you need to become more relevant to this world. eric, you're too narrow-minded. eric, you're too obsessed with the bible, too obsessed with IHOP, too obsessed with intimacy with Jesus, with this onething. eric, you're too obsessed with loving Jesus. eric, you need to be more practical in your leadership. eric, you gotta plan more. eric, you need to be doing more for Jesus. eric, you're not going to get anywhere sitting at the feet of Jesus....."
Jesus, remind me that this is what i signed up for. that i have given you my heart, soul, strength and mind for the sake of loving you. remind me that i am on the right track, and that i have chosen the good part, what is better. i refuse to lose sight of loving You.
Jesus, give me grace, give me strength to love you rightly. strengthen my resolve, that You would keep my heart steadfast, that i may be found faithful until the end. though it's a narrow and a road less traveled, though i will be misunderstood and criticized, i know You are worth it.
i'll lavish my love
i'll lavish my devotion
i'll lavish my time
i'll lavish my energy
i'll lavish my worship
i'll lavish my life at your feet
You are worth the lavish
12.29.2010
12.20.2010
pure joy
"Consider it pure joy when you meet trials of various kinds, for you know that the testing of your faith produces steadfastness. And let steadfastness have its full effect, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
-james 1:2-4, rom 5:3-5, heb 12:1-2
in the place of suffering, temptation, perseverance, steadfastness, and endurance in the place of faithfulness, we were meant to walk in JOY. pure joy is when i surrender and set my eyes upon Jesus. in this place, there is no such thing as suffering, for Jesus found it pure joy even to the point to die on the cross. that's unthinkable! who is this man?
surely, self preservation steals the joys of sweet adoration. all of my self-love, a stubborn controlling spirit, and trust in myself for things to go my way take away the joys of sweet surrender--walking with you and trusting in Your perfect leadership. i must take up my cross, deny myself, and set my eyes upon Jesus. i must decrease, You must increase.
You said, "blessed is the one who is not offended by me" (matt 11:6)
You offend the mind to reveal the heart
You expose the hidden ways in which i still do not trust you.
Your commands are never burdensome
Your ways never intend for me to suffer, that is not who You are.
so give me grace to express my love by being obedient.
surrendering,
Your leadership is perfect.
More than that, we rejoice in our sufferings, knowing that suffering produces endurance, and endurance produces character, and character produces hope, and hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured into our hearts through the Holy Spirit who has been given to us.
Therefore, since we are surrounded by so great a cloud of witnesses, let us also lay aside every weight, and sin which clings so closely, and let us run with endurance the race that is set before us, looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."
-james 1:2-4, rom 5:3-5, heb 12:1-2
in the place of suffering, temptation, perseverance, steadfastness, and endurance in the place of faithfulness, we were meant to walk in JOY. pure joy is when i surrender and set my eyes upon Jesus. in this place, there is no such thing as suffering, for Jesus found it pure joy even to the point to die on the cross. that's unthinkable! who is this man?
surely, self preservation steals the joys of sweet adoration. all of my self-love, a stubborn controlling spirit, and trust in myself for things to go my way take away the joys of sweet surrender--walking with you and trusting in Your perfect leadership. i must take up my cross, deny myself, and set my eyes upon Jesus. i must decrease, You must increase.
You said, "blessed is the one who is not offended by me" (matt 11:6)
You offend the mind to reveal the heart
You expose the hidden ways in which i still do not trust you.
Your commands are never burdensome
Your ways never intend for me to suffer, that is not who You are.
so give me grace to express my love by being obedient.
surrendering,
Your leadership is perfect.
12.19.2010
all i want for christmas
this christmas i want it to be less about me. even more so, as much as i enjoy them, i want christmas to be less about feel-good christmas songs, even less about giving/receiving gifts. i want to give glory to the birth of Jesus Christ. there is none like this man. fully God, He came into the world in a manger, unnoticed, unappreciated, and unrecognized.
this christmas, i want to sing the real christmas songs, like the old school hymns, ones about Jesus, not other stuff that just distract me from the glory of His birth. this christmas, i want to know the depths of the worth found in the Lamb who is seated on the throne. i want to know why right now in heaven, the twenty-four elders and the four living creatures and legions of angels, ten-thousand upon ten-thousand of them, find Jesus worthy enough so sing and give Him glory and praise non-stop for all of eternity. i want to know what makes it worth it for me to spend eternity giving praise to this man.
this christmas i want to join with the choirs of angels and sing to the King, the One who sits upon the throne, the One who is worthy of all the glory, honor, adoration, and admiration. this christmas i want to behold and give glory to the One who came into this world for one purpose only and that is to die for me so that i could live.
i watch this video each year. it always touches me in a new way.
this christmas, at the top my my lungs, i want to sing hallelujah to Jesus Christ, the King, the Bridegroom, my Beloved.
this christmas, i want to sing the real christmas songs, like the old school hymns, ones about Jesus, not other stuff that just distract me from the glory of His birth. this christmas, i want to know the depths of the worth found in the Lamb who is seated on the throne. i want to know why right now in heaven, the twenty-four elders and the four living creatures and legions of angels, ten-thousand upon ten-thousand of them, find Jesus worthy enough so sing and give Him glory and praise non-stop for all of eternity. i want to know what makes it worth it for me to spend eternity giving praise to this man.
this christmas i want to join with the choirs of angels and sing to the King, the One who sits upon the throne, the One who is worthy of all the glory, honor, adoration, and admiration. this christmas i want to behold and give glory to the One who came into this world for one purpose only and that is to die for me so that i could live.
i watch this video each year. it always touches me in a new way.
this christmas, at the top my my lungs, i want to sing hallelujah to Jesus Christ, the King, the Bridegroom, my Beloved.
my christmas vent
this christmas i realized how quickly i got tired from the spirit of consumerism that now consumes (no pun intended) the american culture we live in today. as i tagged along with my family to the malls and such, i felt something that i have never felt before. my spirit was...disgusted, even offended at the way i saw others push and shove their way through the stores, caring only about themselves and how much more "stuff" can buy. perhaps offended is how God feels when He sees the way america celebrates the season of the birth of His son? anyways...
-i was saddened by the excitement, pleasure, and hype that comes with this season, for reasons apart from the birth of Christ. it made me sad to realize that the advent season has become the season of materialism; santa has become more popular than Jesus.
-i was saddened by how much christmas became all about me me me, and about how much more "stuff" we can buy to make us happy. it made me sad how we remain unmoved even though we know for a fact that while we are excessively spending the rest of the world lives in poverty.
-i was saddened by the selfish nature of man--the extent to which we care about ourselves and our own comfort more than others. the way we would spend excessively and not for a moment think about anyone apart from ourselves.
-i was sad when i realized that i could do the christian thing and pull the card that goes like "christmas is about giving not receiving" but i'll probably only give after i've received and i'm satisfied. and even if i were to give, i wouldn't give even half as much as what i have.
-i was saddened to see the the power of the media to influence people to look and dress a certain way in order to be liked by others, or the way we are fascinated by flashy gadgets. i realized christmas does not satisfy the human spirit. only Jesus does.
1) first, the attraction to fashion comes from a God-given desire for beauty. a desire to look nice and to fit in comes from a God-given longing to be liked and loved by others.
2) secondly, the attraction for flashy gadgets and more "stuff" and other "unnecessary" items comes from a God-given longing for fascination.
Father, have mercy on me and my generation. forgive us for being selfish, and the ways we care about ourselves more than we care about others. remind us that no money can buy the satisfaction found in Your presence. remind us that only You can satisfy our every desire.
Father, forgive us for the ways we have been distracted by the flashy things and hype of this season and we have forgotten about your son's birthday. would you be kind to humble us and reveal to us the extent of our selfishness, and our neglect of your son Jesus.
p.s. i know i made broad generalizations, and i do not mean to be judgmental or to offend anyone. i'm talking to myself. i just had to vent a bit.
-i was saddened by the excitement, pleasure, and hype that comes with this season, for reasons apart from the birth of Christ. it made me sad to realize that the advent season has become the season of materialism; santa has become more popular than Jesus.
-i was saddened by how much christmas became all about me me me, and about how much more "stuff" we can buy to make us happy. it made me sad how we remain unmoved even though we know for a fact that while we are excessively spending the rest of the world lives in poverty.
-i was saddened by the selfish nature of man--the extent to which we care about ourselves and our own comfort more than others. the way we would spend excessively and not for a moment think about anyone apart from ourselves.
-i was sad when i realized that i could do the christian thing and pull the card that goes like "christmas is about giving not receiving" but i'll probably only give after i've received and i'm satisfied. and even if i were to give, i wouldn't give even half as much as what i have.
-i was saddened to see the the power of the media to influence people to look and dress a certain way in order to be liked by others, or the way we are fascinated by flashy gadgets. i realized christmas does not satisfy the human spirit. only Jesus does.
1) first, the attraction to fashion comes from a God-given desire for beauty. a desire to look nice and to fit in comes from a God-given longing to be liked and loved by others.
2) secondly, the attraction for flashy gadgets and more "stuff" and other "unnecessary" items comes from a God-given longing for fascination.
Father, have mercy on me and my generation. forgive us for being selfish, and the ways we care about ourselves more than we care about others. remind us that no money can buy the satisfaction found in Your presence. remind us that only You can satisfy our every desire.
Father, forgive us for the ways we have been distracted by the flashy things and hype of this season and we have forgotten about your son's birthday. would you be kind to humble us and reveal to us the extent of our selfishness, and our neglect of your son Jesus.
p.s. i know i made broad generalizations, and i do not mean to be judgmental or to offend anyone. i'm talking to myself. i just had to vent a bit.
12.12.2010
embracing the cross
"You need to learn to separate yourself from unnecessary and restless thoughts which grow out of self-love. When your own thoughts are set aside you will be completely in the middle of the straight and narrow path. You will experience the freedom and peace that is meant for you as a child of God.
I try to follow the same advice that I give others. I know that I must seek peace in the same way. Often, when you suffer, it is the life of your self-nature that causes you pain. When you are dead you do not suffer. If you were completely dead to your old nature you would no longer feel many of the pains that now bother you.
Endure the aches and pains of your body with patience. Do the same thing with your spiritual afflictions (that is, trouble sent to you that you cannot control). Do not add to the cross in your life by becoming so busy that you have no time to sit quietly before God. Do not resist what God brings into your life. Be willing to suffer if that is what is needed. Over activity and stubbornness will only increase your anguish.
God prepares a cross for you that you must embrace without thought of self-preservation. The cross is painful. Accept the cross and you will find peace even in the middle of turmoil. Let me warn you that if you push the cross away, your circumstances will become twice as hard to bear. In the long run, the pain of resisting the cross is harder to live with than the cross itself.
See God’s hand in the circumstances of your life. Do you want to experience true happiness? Submit yourself peacefully and simply to the will of God, and bear your sufferings without struggle. Nothing so shortens and soothes your pain as the spirit of non-resistance to your Lord.
As wonderful as this sounds, it still may not stop you from bargaining with God. The hardest thing about suffering is not knowing how great it will be or how long it will last. You will be tempted to want to impose some limits to your suffering. No doubt you will want to control the intensity of your pain.
Do you see the stubborn and hidden hold you have over your life? This control makes the cross necessary in the first place. Do not reject the full work that the power of the cross could accomplish in you. Unfortunately, you will be forced to go over the same ground again and again. Worse yet, you will suffer much, but your suffering will be for no purpose.
May the Lord deliver you from falling into an inner state in which the cross is not at work in you! God loves a cheerful giver. (See Second Corinthians 9:7.) Imagine how much He must love those who abandon themselves to His will cheerfully and completely—even if it results in their crucifixion!"
-Francois Fenelon
12.06.2010
the place of no agenda
there comes a point in any relationship where you reach a level of intimacy called "the place of no agenda." in this place, as you would've guessed, there is no agenda. you spend time with each other with absolutely no agenda, other than just to be with them. you don't need to plan any activities, do things to pass the time, nor even worry about talking to each other. in this place, silence isn't awkward, boring, tense, or uncomfortable. in fact, in the "the place of no agenda", silence is welcomed, and even embraced. you look each other in the eyes. you blissfully sigh, because you feel so known, so understood. both know what the other is thinking. time flies, and before you know it, hours have passed.
"i will come again and will take you to myself, that where i am you may be also" john 14:3
"Father, i desire that they also...may be with where i am, to see my glory." john 17:24
as i spend time with my Beloved, i realize i know too little about this place. in fact, i am good at anything but this place. i find myself looking for more "things" to do, things that would hopefully pass the time more quickly so i would be able to look back and say that i had a good, "productive" time with Him. yet with Him, it's never about productivity, is it? never is it about gaining a new revelation, or filling my head with more bible knowledge, or a new truth. sure, these things lead us to Him, yet when they become "the end" instead of a "means to an end" (Jesus), you've missed the boat. yet time and time again, i find myself doing just that. i strive and strive and strive for a fresh revelation, sing through some songs, and pray through some prayers, only to neglect the One who lives within me and is sitting right next to me. to whom was i reading about? to whom was i singing to? and to whom was i talking to? the worst feeling is to look back and to realize that i have done so much yet i have forgotten Him. i was too busy occupying myself with "stuff" that i've turned my back on the only One that matters. i don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room.
the beauty of waiting upon the LORD is that it is the only discipline that brings me to the level of intimacy found in "the place of no agenda". here, there is no striving for a new revelation, nor is there forced mediation on a scripture or truth. in this place, there is pure enjoyment. to gaze upon His beauty. to dwell in His courts. to partake in the pleasure found at His right hand, and the fullness of joy and satisfaction in His presence. to open my heart, take delight in Him and for Him to take delight me.
i look Him in the eyes and tell Him how much i love Him.
i wait.
He tells me how much He loves me.
i blissfully sigh.
we do it all over again.
delight in me. delight in me.
in today's world, we leave too little space for this "root of roots" in our relationship with Jesus. we forget that this place of mutual enjoyment is the first reason of our very existence. it's sad that we neglect the very thing that we will be spending an eternity in heaven captivated by. to join in with the angels, behold the glory of His face, and say with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, i am Yours, You are mine, and we'll be together forever.
all i want,
is to be near You, with You,
where You are
"i will come again and will take you to myself, that where i am you may be also" john 14:3
"Father, i desire that they also...may be with where i am, to see my glory." john 17:24
as i spend time with my Beloved, i realize i know too little about this place. in fact, i am good at anything but this place. i find myself looking for more "things" to do, things that would hopefully pass the time more quickly so i would be able to look back and say that i had a good, "productive" time with Him. yet with Him, it's never about productivity, is it? never is it about gaining a new revelation, or filling my head with more bible knowledge, or a new truth. sure, these things lead us to Him, yet when they become "the end" instead of a "means to an end" (Jesus), you've missed the boat. yet time and time again, i find myself doing just that. i strive and strive and strive for a fresh revelation, sing through some songs, and pray through some prayers, only to neglect the One who lives within me and is sitting right next to me. to whom was i reading about? to whom was i singing to? and to whom was i talking to? the worst feeling is to look back and to realize that i have done so much yet i have forgotten Him. i was too busy occupying myself with "stuff" that i've turned my back on the only One that matters. i don't want to talk about You like You're not in the room.
the beauty of waiting upon the LORD is that it is the only discipline that brings me to the level of intimacy found in "the place of no agenda". here, there is no striving for a new revelation, nor is there forced mediation on a scripture or truth. in this place, there is pure enjoyment. to gaze upon His beauty. to dwell in His courts. to partake in the pleasure found at His right hand, and the fullness of joy and satisfaction in His presence. to open my heart, take delight in Him and for Him to take delight me.
i look Him in the eyes and tell Him how much i love Him.
i wait.
He tells me how much He loves me.
i blissfully sigh.
we do it all over again.
delight in me. delight in me.
in today's world, we leave too little space for this "root of roots" in our relationship with Jesus. we forget that this place of mutual enjoyment is the first reason of our very existence. it's sad that we neglect the very thing that we will be spending an eternity in heaven captivated by. to join in with the angels, behold the glory of His face, and say with all our heart, soul, strength and mind, i am Yours, You are mine, and we'll be together forever.
all i want,
is to be near You, with You,
where You are
11.25.2010
thankful
forty(one) things i'm thankful for this thanksgiving. i realized i could go on forever so this is as much as i had time to type down haha.
1) the IHOP prayer room webstream. (thank you cory, matt, audra, jon, tim, laura. you don't know me but i know you, sorta. i will meet you in heaven)
2) a sweet, powerful IHOP chorus that washes over my heart and gives me life.
3) the power of worship and music to speak revelation into the heart in a way that does not have to travel through the head first.
4) the gift of hunger. i asked and He gave. hunger begets hunger. a process of becoming ruined more and more for anything less. thank you LORD.
5) the aches upon my heart when i miss a day of waiting upon Him. how He beckons me to come meet Him in the secret place.
6) the revelation of the word of God on the human heart. few things in life are sweeter.
7) the gift of fasting given to posture the human heart for a greater capacity to encounter the heart of God.
8) the morning silence. the beauty found in the rawness of the human heart exposed to the heart of God. no music, flashy lights, no props or emotional hype necessary. where it's you and me alone, God.
9) the book of psalms, to shift my perspective. for a mind that is prone to wander, prone to overthink, prone to live in weakness, psalms take my eyes off myself and my woes and remind me of who is in control. that You are God, and i am not.
10) the book of revelation. the revelation of the person Christ Jesus in His splendor and glory. as bridegroom, king, and judge.
11) the word of God. the very living word, and the satisfaction i get when i eat it.
12) the transforming work in my dad's heart. he just recently just started going to church again. he's been unemployed for over half a year, yet he's been more joyful than any other time in his life.
13) the miracle of a restored family and joyful holiday seasons after years of harder ones. those who wait on the LORD will not be put to shame.
14) the wisdom of my mom. her love for the family. her faith. the rock of our family. the depths of her love and devotion for Jesus inspire me. the fruit of her prayers are what shape so much of who i am today.
15) my roommates and our intense pursuit of God. our late night talks about Jesus Christ, the gospel, and the knowledge of God.
16) every time i take the time to wait upon Him. the tenderizing work of the Holy Spirit to soften my heart of stone to feel the movements of His heart upon mine.
17) the liberty and greater freedom from the inferior pleasures of my flesh (fear/approval of man, entertainment) to pursue the superior pleasures found at His right hand
18) the freedom found in worship--to kneel, to jump, to sit, to be, to scream at the top of my lungs.
19) my guitar and a voice to sing songs to Jesus in my room.
20) the privilege of an intercessor. the chance to partner with His heart. to stand in the gap and talk to God on the behalf of men.
21) the burden of intercession for UCSD and for intervarsity. there's so much more. come Lord Jesus come.
22) the gift of prayer. the reality that is our access to the throne room.
23) the gift of solitude. call me introverted, but i just want to be alone with God.
24) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. to wake up to say good morning Holy Spirit! i want to talk to you more.
25) vanilla yogurt and granola. or vanilla soymilk with granola. with bananas of course.
26) His constants: my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, shelter, strong tower, the rock upon which i stand, my fortress, refuge, shield, salvation, stronghold.
27) His word which is perfect, revives the soul, gives wisdom to the simple, brings joy, brings revelation, brings insight, and brings reward.
28) the very very bright light of His glory found in the beholding of His face
29) the way He lets me know that He's here with me--when i close my eyes, the impression that He's here and He's been here.
30) the gift and the mystery of tongues. the times when i don't know what to say and i could just pray in the spirit to speak straight into His heart. beyond words.
31) the sport i call running, and the hundreds of times i've ran the trail by the train tracks by rose canyon. the times when, feeling overwhelmed, to run until my mind goes blank. the times i meet Jesus while running.
32) the leadership of moses, the worship of david, the excellence of daniel, and the passion of john the baptist. godly men in the bible given for me to model my life after.
33) the feeler side of me
34) the thinker side of me
35) the mysteries of His sovereignty, healing/miracles/signs/wonders, free will, and predestination. the moment i like to think i've gotten Him all figured out is the moment that i need a fresh touch.
36) the old testament and the wrath of God and His hatred of sin.
37) the (unplanned) status of graduating a year early. learning to accept rest.
38) the (very) chilly evenings of fremont, california. the smell of the smoke from fireplaces and family dinners.
39) the kitchen at my home. my dog buddy and his santa costume. christmas music on the radio, and good talks while cooking dinner with the mother.
40) all my friendships, and those who read this blog and love me enough to listen to my rants. you know who you are. those who have grace and patience on me, and mostly, just accept me for being me.
41) j
He has been so good to me.
1) the IHOP prayer room webstream. (thank you cory, matt, audra, jon, tim, laura. you don't know me but i know you, sorta. i will meet you in heaven)
2) a sweet, powerful IHOP chorus that washes over my heart and gives me life.
3) the power of worship and music to speak revelation into the heart in a way that does not have to travel through the head first.
4) the gift of hunger. i asked and He gave. hunger begets hunger. a process of becoming ruined more and more for anything less. thank you LORD.
5) the aches upon my heart when i miss a day of waiting upon Him. how He beckons me to come meet Him in the secret place.
6) the revelation of the word of God on the human heart. few things in life are sweeter.
7) the gift of fasting given to posture the human heart for a greater capacity to encounter the heart of God.
8) the morning silence. the beauty found in the rawness of the human heart exposed to the heart of God. no music, flashy lights, no props or emotional hype necessary. where it's you and me alone, God.
9) the book of psalms, to shift my perspective. for a mind that is prone to wander, prone to overthink, prone to live in weakness, psalms take my eyes off myself and my woes and remind me of who is in control. that You are God, and i am not.
10) the book of revelation. the revelation of the person Christ Jesus in His splendor and glory. as bridegroom, king, and judge.
11) the word of God. the very living word, and the satisfaction i get when i eat it.
12) the transforming work in my dad's heart. he just recently just started going to church again. he's been unemployed for over half a year, yet he's been more joyful than any other time in his life.
13) the miracle of a restored family and joyful holiday seasons after years of harder ones. those who wait on the LORD will not be put to shame.
14) the wisdom of my mom. her love for the family. her faith. the rock of our family. the depths of her love and devotion for Jesus inspire me. the fruit of her prayers are what shape so much of who i am today.
15) my roommates and our intense pursuit of God. our late night talks about Jesus Christ, the gospel, and the knowledge of God.
16) every time i take the time to wait upon Him. the tenderizing work of the Holy Spirit to soften my heart of stone to feel the movements of His heart upon mine.
17) the liberty and greater freedom from the inferior pleasures of my flesh (fear/approval of man, entertainment) to pursue the superior pleasures found at His right hand
18) the freedom found in worship--to kneel, to jump, to sit, to be, to scream at the top of my lungs.
19) my guitar and a voice to sing songs to Jesus in my room.
20) the privilege of an intercessor. the chance to partner with His heart. to stand in the gap and talk to God on the behalf of men.
21) the burden of intercession for UCSD and for intervarsity. there's so much more. come Lord Jesus come.
22) the gift of prayer. the reality that is our access to the throne room.
23) the gift of solitude. call me introverted, but i just want to be alone with God.
24) the friendship of the Holy Spirit. to wake up to say good morning Holy Spirit! i want to talk to you more.
25) vanilla yogurt and granola. or vanilla soymilk with granola. with bananas of course.
26) His constants: my shield, my strength, my portion, deliverer, shelter, strong tower, the rock upon which i stand, my fortress, refuge, shield, salvation, stronghold.
27) His word which is perfect, revives the soul, gives wisdom to the simple, brings joy, brings revelation, brings insight, and brings reward.
28) the very very bright light of His glory found in the beholding of His face
29) the way He lets me know that He's here with me--when i close my eyes, the impression that He's here and He's been here.
30) the gift and the mystery of tongues. the times when i don't know what to say and i could just pray in the spirit to speak straight into His heart. beyond words.
31) the sport i call running, and the hundreds of times i've ran the trail by the train tracks by rose canyon. the times when, feeling overwhelmed, to run until my mind goes blank. the times i meet Jesus while running.
32) the leadership of moses, the worship of david, the excellence of daniel, and the passion of john the baptist. godly men in the bible given for me to model my life after.
33) the feeler side of me
34) the thinker side of me
35) the mysteries of His sovereignty, healing/miracles/signs/wonders, free will, and predestination. the moment i like to think i've gotten Him all figured out is the moment that i need a fresh touch.
36) the old testament and the wrath of God and His hatred of sin.
37) the (unplanned) status of graduating a year early. learning to accept rest.
38) the (very) chilly evenings of fremont, california. the smell of the smoke from fireplaces and family dinners.
39) the kitchen at my home. my dog buddy and his santa costume. christmas music on the radio, and good talks while cooking dinner with the mother.
40) all my friendships, and those who read this blog and love me enough to listen to my rants. you know who you are. those who have grace and patience on me, and mostly, just accept me for being me.
41) j
He has been so good to me.
11.07.2010
anchor for my soul
as for me, I shall behold your face in righteousness;
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.
when I awake, I shall be satisfied with your likeness.
11.04.2010
weight of glory
eric,
are you willing to die to yourself,
so that you may gain all of Me?
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 corinth 4:16-18
You are so worth it.
God, show me Your glory.
are you willing to die to yourself,
so that you may gain all of Me?
So we do not lose heart. Though our outer self is wasting away, our inner self is being renewed day by day. For this light momentary affliction is preparing for us an eternal weight of glory beyond all comparison, as we look not to the things that are seen but to the things that are unseen. For the things that are seen are transient, but the things that are unseen are eternal.
2 corinth 4:16-18
You are so worth it.
God, show me Your glory.
10.29.2010
10.28.2010
the sovereignty of God
as i continue to wrestle with God in the place of prayer, time and time again i find myself getting slammed.
i like to ask God for the salvation of souls, for God to move in the hearts of my non-christian friends, and for God to bring physical healing. many times, i find myself hitting a wall. the question has been: God, why not now? why not? are not my prayers in line with the desires of your heart? am i not coming into agreement for your desires for this world?
this happens frequently in the place of healing: God, am i really asking too much for you to show up and heal this sprained ankle? this headache? this sore throat? you've done it before! what bad can possibly come out of you showing up and demonstrating your physical, tangible love? what good comes out of another unanswered prayer for healing?
it also happens in the contending for salvation: God, why don't you just do something right now? why don't you just soften his/her heart so that he/she may come to know the extent of your love and your work on the cross?
~~~
wrestling with these unanswered prayers have led me to reflect on the sovereignty of God. yes, God is a good God who desires good for me and this world. Yes, He is a God who desires mercy over judgment. yes, He is gracious, merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love. however, at the same time, God is God. and i am not. God can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. who am i to question the perfect wisdom and timing of God? who am i to say that i know better than God? heck, who am i that You are mindful of me? yet you hear me when i call.
as i take another look at the old testament, one theme repeated itself over and over: the sovereignty of God. the old testament clearly establishes the power of God, and instills a fear of the LORD, a reverence in the people. whether it is a flood or seven plagues, God makes it clear that anyone that chooses to go against Him will perish.
unfortunately, as a generation of christians that tends to focus on the new testament concepts of grace, mercy, and love, we tend to forget about the sovereignty of God. we forget that God has the power to create life and with it, the power to take away. as a result, we now take a look at the old testament and we get offended by the God we are reading about. how can God smite people like that? how can God send a plague to kill thousands? how can God just harden and soften hearts like that?
without the sovereignty of God established in our lives, we easily become offended when God does not answer our prayers, or when things do not go our way. we get offended when God doesn't heal our dying parent of cancer. we get offended at God when we pray for years and years for restoration in our family, and nothing seems to happen.(if anything, things seem to be getting worse). we get offended at God when we pray for the salvation of our non-christian family member, non-christian friend, and nothing seems to get better.
with an understanding of the sovereignty of God, who are we to question His ways? who are we to question His perfect wisdom and understanding? yes, i don't know why God does things that He does. but I know that He does. and the only thing that he requires of me is to allow him to be God and me to be me, and let it be. God, you know best. always. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Your ways are higher than my ways. always.
an understanding of the sovereignty of God gives me a fuller picture of the character of God. it does, however, throw a wrench into the very basis of prayer. if in the end, God is sovereign and He can do whatever He wants, then why do we even bother praying?
i don't know too much. but i do know:
1) i pray because Jesus prayed. prayer is a command from God Himself, to come into agreement with the desires of His heart and pray them into reality.
2) i pray because i believe that i have the power to move God's heart. i say that because the prophets did. and because of the work of the cross, Christ has given me the same authority. i believe that like moses, jeremiah, and isaiah, human beings (christians) have the power to change God's mind. despite His sovereignty, i believe that God can choose whether or not to be influenced by one force, and that is the prayers of His people. think about that.
the thinker in me continues.
i like to ask God for the salvation of souls, for God to move in the hearts of my non-christian friends, and for God to bring physical healing. many times, i find myself hitting a wall. the question has been: God, why not now? why not? are not my prayers in line with the desires of your heart? am i not coming into agreement for your desires for this world?
this happens frequently in the place of healing: God, am i really asking too much for you to show up and heal this sprained ankle? this headache? this sore throat? you've done it before! what bad can possibly come out of you showing up and demonstrating your physical, tangible love? what good comes out of another unanswered prayer for healing?
it also happens in the contending for salvation: God, why don't you just do something right now? why don't you just soften his/her heart so that he/she may come to know the extent of your love and your work on the cross?
~~~
wrestling with these unanswered prayers have led me to reflect on the sovereignty of God. yes, God is a good God who desires good for me and this world. Yes, He is a God who desires mercy over judgment. yes, He is gracious, merciful, slow to anger, abounding in steadfast love. however, at the same time, God is God. and i am not. God can do whatever He wants, whenever He wants. who am i to question the perfect wisdom and timing of God? who am i to say that i know better than God? heck, who am i that You are mindful of me? yet you hear me when i call.
as i take another look at the old testament, one theme repeated itself over and over: the sovereignty of God. the old testament clearly establishes the power of God, and instills a fear of the LORD, a reverence in the people. whether it is a flood or seven plagues, God makes it clear that anyone that chooses to go against Him will perish.
unfortunately, as a generation of christians that tends to focus on the new testament concepts of grace, mercy, and love, we tend to forget about the sovereignty of God. we forget that God has the power to create life and with it, the power to take away. as a result, we now take a look at the old testament and we get offended by the God we are reading about. how can God smite people like that? how can God send a plague to kill thousands? how can God just harden and soften hearts like that?
without the sovereignty of God established in our lives, we easily become offended when God does not answer our prayers, or when things do not go our way. we get offended when God doesn't heal our dying parent of cancer. we get offended at God when we pray for years and years for restoration in our family, and nothing seems to happen.(if anything, things seem to be getting worse). we get offended at God when we pray for the salvation of our non-christian family member, non-christian friend, and nothing seems to get better.
with an understanding of the sovereignty of God, who are we to question His ways? who are we to question His perfect wisdom and understanding? yes, i don't know why God does things that He does. but I know that He does. and the only thing that he requires of me is to allow him to be God and me to be me, and let it be. God, you know best. always. Your thoughts are higher than my thoughts. Your ways are higher than my ways. always.
an understanding of the sovereignty of God gives me a fuller picture of the character of God. it does, however, throw a wrench into the very basis of prayer. if in the end, God is sovereign and He can do whatever He wants, then why do we even bother praying?
i don't know too much. but i do know:
1) i pray because Jesus prayed. prayer is a command from God Himself, to come into agreement with the desires of His heart and pray them into reality.
2) i pray because i believe that i have the power to move God's heart. i say that because the prophets did. and because of the work of the cross, Christ has given me the same authority. i believe that like moses, jeremiah, and isaiah, human beings (christians) have the power to change God's mind. despite His sovereignty, i believe that God can choose whether or not to be influenced by one force, and that is the prayers of His people. think about that.
the thinker in me continues.
10.27.2010
the heart of intercession
i never saw myself as an "intercessor". i never liked labels like that, or hearing people say that they have been "called to intercession". Jesus commanded all of us to pray for the harvest right? then in my opinion, we are all called to intercession in one way or another.
these past few weeks i have been wrestling with God in the area of intercession. i realized that i have been praying the same prayers over UCSD for the past 4 years. for the past 4 years i've lost count of the number of times i have asked Him to "send revival", to "pour out His Spirit", and for the "fullness of His kingdom to come on earth at UCSD as it is in heaven". what have i done wrong, God? did i not pray enough? not with enough conviction? not with enough intensity? what did i miss? help me to know i am on the right track.
this week as i wrestled with entering into another season of prayer and fasting, i couldn't but help to feel weary and disappointed. broken dreams, unmet expectations, a sense of hopelessness began to flood me. God, i've fasted and prayed many times before already. how is this time going to be any different? God, do you really love this campus more than i do? if you do, why don't you just move and do something already? <--childish side of me
i began to doubt even the most basic foundational truths of prayer. lies began to fill me (how i hate you devil!) God, do you even hear my prayers? do my broken, weak, inconsistent prayers even make a difference? would the spiritual environment have been any different had i not prayed?
i even began to wrestle with basic questions like "why pray?". as a leader of prayer on this campus, it seemed like a pretty ridiculous and embarrassing thing to be asking. it definitely showed how much faith i (did not) have.
as i waited upon the LORD, He brought me back to the heart of intercession. God, help me to pray not to see things happen, or for tangible results. forgive me for the times i have put results above having you. help me to know that you are sovereign. that you are God and that your timing and your ways are perfect. forgive me for thinking that i know better. forgive me for making it about me me me me and not you you you you.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
isaiah 55:8
yes, i know without a doubt God has been moving in many ways. i'm just really stubborn and not easily satisfied.
there has to be more.
until then, i will keep praying. i will keep asking.
there has to be more.
these past few weeks i have been wrestling with God in the area of intercession. i realized that i have been praying the same prayers over UCSD for the past 4 years. for the past 4 years i've lost count of the number of times i have asked Him to "send revival", to "pour out His Spirit", and for the "fullness of His kingdom to come on earth at UCSD as it is in heaven". what have i done wrong, God? did i not pray enough? not with enough conviction? not with enough intensity? what did i miss? help me to know i am on the right track.
this week as i wrestled with entering into another season of prayer and fasting, i couldn't but help to feel weary and disappointed. broken dreams, unmet expectations, a sense of hopelessness began to flood me. God, i've fasted and prayed many times before already. how is this time going to be any different? God, do you really love this campus more than i do? if you do, why don't you just move and do something already? <--childish side of me
i began to doubt even the most basic foundational truths of prayer. lies began to fill me (how i hate you devil!) God, do you even hear my prayers? do my broken, weak, inconsistent prayers even make a difference? would the spiritual environment have been any different had i not prayed?
i even began to wrestle with basic questions like "why pray?". as a leader of prayer on this campus, it seemed like a pretty ridiculous and embarrassing thing to be asking. it definitely showed how much faith i (did not) have.
as i waited upon the LORD, He brought me back to the heart of intercession. God, help me to pray not to see things happen, or for tangible results. forgive me for the times i have put results above having you. help me to know that you are sovereign. that you are God and that your timing and your ways are perfect. forgive me for thinking that i know better. forgive me for making it about me me me me and not you you you you.
For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
isaiah 55:8
yes, i know without a doubt God has been moving in many ways. i'm just really stubborn and not easily satisfied.
there has to be more.
until then, i will keep praying. i will keep asking.
there has to be more.
10.25.2010
breathe
1O LORD, you have searched me and known me!
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
-psalm 139
~~~
You Know me so intimately.
2You know when I sit down and when I rise up;
you discern my thoughts from afar.
3 You search out my path and my lying down
and are acquainted with all my ways.
4 Even before a word is on my tongue,
behold, O LORD, you know it altogether.
5 You hem me in, behind and before,
and lay your hand upon me.
6 Such knowledge is too wonderful for me;
it is high; I cannot attain it.
7Where shall I go from your Spirit?
Or where shall I flee from your presence?
8 If I ascend to heaven, you are there!
If I make my bed in Sheol, you are there!
9 If I take the wings of the morning
and dwell in the uttermost parts of the sea,
10 even there your hand shall lead me,
and your right hand shall hold me.
11 If I say, "Surely the darkness shall cover me,
and the light about me be night,"
12 even the darkness is not dark to you;
the night is bright as the day,
for darkness is as light with you.
13For you formed my inward parts;
you knitted me together in my mother’s womb.
14 I praise you, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made. Wonderful are your works;
my soul knows it very well.
15 My frame was not hidden from you,when I was being made in secret,
intricately woven in the depths of the earth.
16 Your eyes saw my unformed substance;in your book were written, every one of them,
the days that were formed for me,
when as yet there was none of them.
17How precious to me are your thoughts, O God!
How vast is the sum of them!
18 If I would count them, they are more than the sand.
I awake, and I am still with you.
19Oh that you would slay the wicked, O God!
O men of blood, depart from me!
20 They speak against you with malicious intent;
your enemies take your name in vain!
21 Do I not hate those who hate you, O LORD?
And do I not loathe those who rise up against you?
22 I hate them with complete hatred;
I count them my enemies.
23Search me, O God, and know my heart!
Try me and know my thoughts!
24 And see if there be any grievous way in me,
and lead me in the way everlasting!
-psalm 139
~~~
You Know me so intimately.
10.23.2010
the thinker in me
culmination of thoughts at 4am in the morning...haha
Jesus, you are a man of extremes.
You were so irrelevant. you spoke in parables and you talked about eating your flesh and drinking your blood.
yet, you were so relevant. you spoke in shepherd and farming analogies to make sense to those in the crowds following you.
You were impersonal when You preached to the crowds and fed thousands upon thousands.
yet You are the most personable person we will ever come to know--even in the midst of the crowd, Your eyes were upon the bleeding woman. you knew her intimately and you called her daughter. You hold the keys to unlock every heart.
You never cared about numbers. You preached a message that offended others.
yet you had thousands following you.
You didn’t preach to please men. You preached an insulting, difficult, discomforting, convicting message. You infuriated pharisees, and depressed the rich young ruler. You didn’t preach an easy message. You talked about the narrow road, the call to follow You requires the selling of all possessions, and a call to death to self.
yet Your message pleased many men. it was message for the sick, and the broken; it was a message for those like the bleeding woman and the samaritan woman, You preached a message of life, hope, peace, healing, redemption, and restoration. You speak words that we long to hear, you speak hope to the hopeless, a message of abundant life, and you bring joy to those who have nothing to be joyful about.
Jesus didn’t walk around with the gospel message on His shirt. Jesus wasn’t a broken record, on auto-pilot, preaching about the depravity of man, our sinfulness and our need to repent to every person He encountered. rather, He met people right where they were at, and every encounter was one that pointed to the heart of the Father. every encounter Jesus had with another brought that person closer to the heart of God.
as a follower of Jesus for over 13 years, I am realizing more and more that the bible holds a message that is black and white. my roommate was right. i’m realizing that the message of Jesus is a message of no compromise, no grey area. you are either hot or cold, not lukewarm. you are either following Jesus or you are not. you are either gratifying the flesh or gratifying the desire of the Spirit within you. you are either saying yes or no to Jesus. you either love the world or you reject it. you either love sin or hate sin. black and white.
however, the understanding of the black and white gospel is something that i’m just beginning to understand over the past few years. I wonder if I would have accepted or even come close to understanding the depths of the extreme, radical, revolutionary gospel five, ten, thirteen years ago. despite being born into a christian family, I wonder if I would have felt like such a gospel would be something I could commit to. however, it is only because I have journeyed with the LORD for 13+ years, I can say with confidence that our gospel is a black and white one.
perhaps the gospel message at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a grey one? all bible theory, 4 spiritual laws, TULIP aside, perhaps at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a gospel message that is simple, and...grey. perhaps it could be as simple as knowing that Jesus loves me and that we want to begin a journey of entering into that. or something that stirs a hunger and desire to know more about the man Christ Jesus. perhaps a grey gospel is the only one which any heart is open and receptive and open to. one that meets people right where they are at. i wonder if the black and white gospel makes sense to me now only because i have spent the past 13 years growing, maturing in my "grey" understanding of the gospel.
i just don't know.
~~~
we can classify Christianity into 3 different camps:
1) the conservative, reformed camp (Piper, John McArthur, Paul Washer)
2) the evangelical, moderate camp (Saddleback, Intervarsity)
3) the charismatic, liberal camp (IHOP, Bethel).
for the purpose for the point i’m making today, the two extreme camps (conservative and charismatic) are actually a lot more similar than we like to admit. (I will explain later)
so that leaves us with two camps: the extreme camps and the moderate camps. each camp has one major purpose. here are my observations:
1) the extreme camps preaches a gospel focusing on the fullness of truth, so that Christ may be glorified. the extreme camps tend not to please man in their preaching and interpretation of the gospel, neither do they care about their reputation. the extreme camps have no fear of being irrelevant to this world, neither are they fearful of being misunderstood or rejected. (“we seek the approval of God and do not serve to please men, do we not?" gal 1:10) once again, i will put both conservatives and charismatics in this camp. the only difference is on one hand you have the charismatics who are not afraid to manifest and blabber openly in tongues and the other hand you have the conservatives who have no fear being hated and rejected by this world, preaching a black and white gospel of the depravity of man and the extent of man's sinfulness.
the extreme camp has a tendency to criticize and judge and often preaches against "lukewarm" christians. ("i know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!” revelation 3:15). oftentimes, their preaching is aimed at conviction and criticism of the church for being too worldly (“do not love the world or anything in the world.” 1 john 2:15) the extreme camps are often guilty of self-righteousness, the spirit of performance, and religion. this camp often labels themselves as "radicals" for Jesus, unafraid of being irrelevant, Spirit filled Jesus Freaks or Bible-Wielding preachers.
many of those in the extreme camp don’t believe in the need to preach in a way to engage the crowd. they don’t believe in a gospel that needs to be “watered down” or particularly relevant in order to be followed. they believe in the full power of the work and conviction of the Holy Spirit, so they preach in a direct manner.
2) the evangelical, more moderate camps preaches a gospel that is relevant (“to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.” 1 corinth 9:20). their gospel is one that uses analogies, nuances, and “interpretive lenses”. such preaching may include contemporary analogies, funny stories, and jokes to engage the crowd. they use pizza, good music, and free stuff to lure in the masses. they tend to preach a crowd-friendly gospel, often times with the danger of deviating towards a “prosperity gospel”, or a gospel that people want to hear to make them feel better about themselves. compared to the extreme camp, the evangelical gospel is crowd-friendly and seeker-friendly. they know how to relate to people by preaching a gospel that meets people right where they are at. however, this type of gospel can leave “mature”, life-long christians feeling "unfed", bored, and stagnant.
the gospel of the evangelical church can be criticized as a gospel that is shallow, "watered down", or just not deep enough.
the question is, what type of gospel did Jesus preach? what type of gospel would Jesus preach today?
though there will always be exceptions to the way God works in hearts, my observation is that the gospel most people accept at the beginning of their relationship with Jesus is the moderate gospel. I like to call it the entry point. here you find the vacation bible school children who innocently raise their hands choosing to accept Jesus into their hearts, as well as the youth group retreats where teary-eyed, emotional teens on a “spiritual high” commit/rededicate their lives, and finally you have the hundreds who stand up at Intervarsity large groups. more often than not, such people stand not entirely sure why they stood. oftentimes, because they were preached a grey, friendly, moderate gospel, those who respond have no clear idea of the gospel. they know little to nothing about their sinfulness, their need for repentance, let alone what Jesus even did on that cross. however, despite the lack of knowledge and truth in their understanding, their response is usually very genuine and simple--they felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to say yes, to take one step closer to God, whatever that means.
at this point, for these souls, the future remains unclear. at this point, 2 fates remain:
1) they can choose to vegetate--remain in this state, continue to live the same life, and do not pray or read the bible. these are the ones criticized for experiencing just an “emotional high” as they “fall away” or go back to their worldly lifestyles. here we find our “nominal” or “lukewarm” christians, ones who label themselves as christians, but are not walking the talk. at this point, insert many of those born into christian families--those who have gone to church their entire life but remain unchanged. here are some of your most dangerous christians--those who think they are doing well, have their ticket to heaven, but those who are doing just enough church to get out of hell but just enough sin to still be cool. these are your dangerous christians who claim to be christians but do everything opposite of who Jesus is, and display every work of the flesh (sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies” gal 5:19). these are the christians that break God’s heart, for they can claim to be followers of Christ yet do anything and everything that is not of Him, forever tainting the face of Jesus and all the good that He represents.
2) they can begin a life-long love relationship with Jesus, seeking after the heart of God. these are the ones who die to self, pick up their cross, and follow Christ in wholehearted abandonment, pursuing a lifestyle of holiness and righteousness. these are the ones who will give themselves no rest as they seek God’s face, living a lifestyle of repentance (“search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalm 139:23). these are the ones who will be willing to die for Christ than live a lukewarm life. these are the ones giving themselves to be people of the first and second commandment--to love God with all their heart soul strength and mind, and to love others with the same love (luke 10:27). these are the ones giving their lives to find eternal life in the knowledge of God (john 17:3). these are the ones who dedicate their lives to prayer and the word of God, ones committed to wholehearted devotion to Christ. through spending time daily with the LORD in the secret place, these are the ones filled with the Holy Spirit, the One who convicts sin and tangibly manifests such fruits as (“love, joy peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.” gal 5:22)
knowing these two groups, the question as ministers of the gospel remains: how do we preach the gospel? and after preaching the gospel, how do we prevent a generation of (fate 1) carnal Christians and how do we raise up a generation of (fate 2) radical, fearlessly abandoned lovers of Jesus?
do you have compassion for those who are lost? just how much do you love the lost?
are you going to preach the true, blunt, black and white extreme gospel regardless of how others going to be receptive to it?
or are you going to preach a simple, “watered down” version of the gospel, something as simple as a small an act of love, a simple “Jesus loves you and is pleased with you”, anything that they will remember, anything to bring them one step closer to God and to point them to God?
I don’t know. haha.
shoot, just read the bible and do what Jesus did.
oh, and never stop praying.
Jesus, you are a man of extremes.
You were so irrelevant. you spoke in parables and you talked about eating your flesh and drinking your blood.
yet, you were so relevant. you spoke in shepherd and farming analogies to make sense to those in the crowds following you.
You were impersonal when You preached to the crowds and fed thousands upon thousands.
yet You are the most personable person we will ever come to know--even in the midst of the crowd, Your eyes were upon the bleeding woman. you knew her intimately and you called her daughter. You hold the keys to unlock every heart.
You never cared about numbers. You preached a message that offended others.
yet you had thousands following you.
You didn’t preach to please men. You preached an insulting, difficult, discomforting, convicting message. You infuriated pharisees, and depressed the rich young ruler. You didn’t preach an easy message. You talked about the narrow road, the call to follow You requires the selling of all possessions, and a call to death to self.
yet Your message pleased many men. it was message for the sick, and the broken; it was a message for those like the bleeding woman and the samaritan woman, You preached a message of life, hope, peace, healing, redemption, and restoration. You speak words that we long to hear, you speak hope to the hopeless, a message of abundant life, and you bring joy to those who have nothing to be joyful about.
Jesus didn’t walk around with the gospel message on His shirt. Jesus wasn’t a broken record, on auto-pilot, preaching about the depravity of man, our sinfulness and our need to repent to every person He encountered. rather, He met people right where they were at, and every encounter was one that pointed to the heart of the Father. every encounter Jesus had with another brought that person closer to the heart of God.
as a follower of Jesus for over 13 years, I am realizing more and more that the bible holds a message that is black and white. my roommate was right. i’m realizing that the message of Jesus is a message of no compromise, no grey area. you are either hot or cold, not lukewarm. you are either following Jesus or you are not. you are either gratifying the flesh or gratifying the desire of the Spirit within you. you are either saying yes or no to Jesus. you either love the world or you reject it. you either love sin or hate sin. black and white.
however, the understanding of the black and white gospel is something that i’m just beginning to understand over the past few years. I wonder if I would have accepted or even come close to understanding the depths of the extreme, radical, revolutionary gospel five, ten, thirteen years ago. despite being born into a christian family, I wonder if I would have felt like such a gospel would be something I could commit to. however, it is only because I have journeyed with the LORD for 13+ years, I can say with confidence that our gospel is a black and white one.
perhaps the gospel message at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a grey one? all bible theory, 4 spiritual laws, TULIP aside, perhaps at the beginning of every relationship with Jesus is a gospel message that is simple, and...grey. perhaps it could be as simple as knowing that Jesus loves me and that we want to begin a journey of entering into that. or something that stirs a hunger and desire to know more about the man Christ Jesus. perhaps a grey gospel is the only one which any heart is open and receptive and open to. one that meets people right where they are at. i wonder if the black and white gospel makes sense to me now only because i have spent the past 13 years growing, maturing in my "grey" understanding of the gospel.
i just don't know.
~~~
we can classify Christianity into 3 different camps:
1) the conservative, reformed camp (Piper, John McArthur, Paul Washer)
2) the evangelical, moderate camp (Saddleback, Intervarsity)
3) the charismatic, liberal camp (IHOP, Bethel).
for the purpose for the point i’m making today, the two extreme camps (conservative and charismatic) are actually a lot more similar than we like to admit. (I will explain later)
so that leaves us with two camps: the extreme camps and the moderate camps. each camp has one major purpose. here are my observations:
1) the extreme camps preaches a gospel focusing on the fullness of truth, so that Christ may be glorified. the extreme camps tend not to please man in their preaching and interpretation of the gospel, neither do they care about their reputation. the extreme camps have no fear of being irrelevant to this world, neither are they fearful of being misunderstood or rejected. (“we seek the approval of God and do not serve to please men, do we not?" gal 1:10) once again, i will put both conservatives and charismatics in this camp. the only difference is on one hand you have the charismatics who are not afraid to manifest and blabber openly in tongues and the other hand you have the conservatives who have no fear being hated and rejected by this world, preaching a black and white gospel of the depravity of man and the extent of man's sinfulness.
the extreme camp has a tendency to criticize and judge and often preaches against "lukewarm" christians. ("i know your deeds, that you are neither cold nor hot. I wish you were either one or the other!” revelation 3:15). oftentimes, their preaching is aimed at conviction and criticism of the church for being too worldly (“do not love the world or anything in the world.” 1 john 2:15) the extreme camps are often guilty of self-righteousness, the spirit of performance, and religion. this camp often labels themselves as "radicals" for Jesus, unafraid of being irrelevant, Spirit filled Jesus Freaks or Bible-Wielding preachers.
many of those in the extreme camp don’t believe in the need to preach in a way to engage the crowd. they don’t believe in a gospel that needs to be “watered down” or particularly relevant in order to be followed. they believe in the full power of the work and conviction of the Holy Spirit, so they preach in a direct manner.
2) the evangelical, more moderate camps preaches a gospel that is relevant (“to the Jews I became like a Jew, to win the Jews.” 1 corinth 9:20). their gospel is one that uses analogies, nuances, and “interpretive lenses”. such preaching may include contemporary analogies, funny stories, and jokes to engage the crowd. they use pizza, good music, and free stuff to lure in the masses. they tend to preach a crowd-friendly gospel, often times with the danger of deviating towards a “prosperity gospel”, or a gospel that people want to hear to make them feel better about themselves. compared to the extreme camp, the evangelical gospel is crowd-friendly and seeker-friendly. they know how to relate to people by preaching a gospel that meets people right where they are at. however, this type of gospel can leave “mature”, life-long christians feeling "unfed", bored, and stagnant.
the gospel of the evangelical church can be criticized as a gospel that is shallow, "watered down", or just not deep enough.
the question is, what type of gospel did Jesus preach? what type of gospel would Jesus preach today?
though there will always be exceptions to the way God works in hearts, my observation is that the gospel most people accept at the beginning of their relationship with Jesus is the moderate gospel. I like to call it the entry point. here you find the vacation bible school children who innocently raise their hands choosing to accept Jesus into their hearts, as well as the youth group retreats where teary-eyed, emotional teens on a “spiritual high” commit/rededicate their lives, and finally you have the hundreds who stand up at Intervarsity large groups. more often than not, such people stand not entirely sure why they stood. oftentimes, because they were preached a grey, friendly, moderate gospel, those who respond have no clear idea of the gospel. they know little to nothing about their sinfulness, their need for repentance, let alone what Jesus even did on that cross. however, despite the lack of knowledge and truth in their understanding, their response is usually very genuine and simple--they felt convicted by the Holy Spirit to say yes, to take one step closer to God, whatever that means.
at this point, for these souls, the future remains unclear. at this point, 2 fates remain:
1) they can choose to vegetate--remain in this state, continue to live the same life, and do not pray or read the bible. these are the ones criticized for experiencing just an “emotional high” as they “fall away” or go back to their worldly lifestyles. here we find our “nominal” or “lukewarm” christians, ones who label themselves as christians, but are not walking the talk. at this point, insert many of those born into christian families--those who have gone to church their entire life but remain unchanged. here are some of your most dangerous christians--those who think they are doing well, have their ticket to heaven, but those who are doing just enough church to get out of hell but just enough sin to still be cool. these are your dangerous christians who claim to be christians but do everything opposite of who Jesus is, and display every work of the flesh (sexual immorality, impurity, sensuality, idolatry, sorcery, enmity, strife, jealousy, fits of anger, rivalries, dissensions, division, envy, drunkenness, orgies” gal 5:19). these are the christians that break God’s heart, for they can claim to be followers of Christ yet do anything and everything that is not of Him, forever tainting the face of Jesus and all the good that He represents.
2) they can begin a life-long love relationship with Jesus, seeking after the heart of God. these are the ones who die to self, pick up their cross, and follow Christ in wholehearted abandonment, pursuing a lifestyle of holiness and righteousness. these are the ones who will give themselves no rest as they seek God’s face, living a lifestyle of repentance (“search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts. See if there is any offensive way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting.” psalm 139:23). these are the ones who will be willing to die for Christ than live a lukewarm life. these are the ones giving themselves to be people of the first and second commandment--to love God with all their heart soul strength and mind, and to love others with the same love (luke 10:27). these are the ones giving their lives to find eternal life in the knowledge of God (john 17:3). these are the ones who dedicate their lives to prayer and the word of God, ones committed to wholehearted devotion to Christ. through spending time daily with the LORD in the secret place, these are the ones filled with the Holy Spirit, the One who convicts sin and tangibly manifests such fruits as (“love, joy peace patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, and self control.” gal 5:22)
knowing these two groups, the question as ministers of the gospel remains: how do we preach the gospel? and after preaching the gospel, how do we prevent a generation of (fate 1) carnal Christians and how do we raise up a generation of (fate 2) radical, fearlessly abandoned lovers of Jesus?
do you have compassion for those who are lost? just how much do you love the lost?
are you going to preach the true, blunt, black and white extreme gospel regardless of how others going to be receptive to it?
or are you going to preach a simple, “watered down” version of the gospel, something as simple as a small an act of love, a simple “Jesus loves you and is pleased with you”, anything that they will remember, anything to bring them one step closer to God and to point them to God?
I don’t know. haha.
shoot, just read the bible and do what Jesus did.
oh, and never stop praying.
10.21.2010
look up
1If then you have been raised with Christ, seek the things that are above, where Christ is, seated at the right hand of God. 2Set your minds on things that are above, not on things that are on earth. 3For you have died, and your life is hidden with Christ in God. 4When Christ who is your life appears, then you also will appear with him in glory.
-col 3:1-4
eric, do you know who I am?
have you forgotten who I am?
I am your God. i hold your life in the palm of My hands.
eric, lock eyes with Me. don't look to your left, don't look to your right. likewise, don't look to what has happened, nor look at what is to come.
eric, stop looking at yourself, your worries, your struggles, your insecurities, fears, and doubts.
set your eyes upon Me.
Abba, draw me onto your knees. hold me close. let me lay your head against your heart. let me lock eyes with You, never looking elsewhere. take me to that place where i will become so consumed by your gaze that i no longer care about all that is happening around me. maybe then i will finally learn how to be silent when i'm with You.
surrendering,
trusting,
Your leadership is perfect.
-col 3:1-4
eric, do you know who I am?
have you forgotten who I am?
I am your God. i hold your life in the palm of My hands.
eric, lock eyes with Me. don't look to your left, don't look to your right. likewise, don't look to what has happened, nor look at what is to come.
eric, stop looking at yourself, your worries, your struggles, your insecurities, fears, and doubts.
set your eyes upon Me.
Abba, draw me onto your knees. hold me close. let me lay your head against your heart. let me lock eyes with You, never looking elsewhere. take me to that place where i will become so consumed by your gaze that i no longer care about all that is happening around me. maybe then i will finally learn how to be silent when i'm with You.
surrendering,
trusting,
Your leadership is perfect.
10.20.2010
satisfaction
we were created to desire satisfaction. because we were wired to crave satisfaction, we will do whatever it takes to be satisfied. such satisfaction can be found in:
intimate friendships,
the level of our popularity/having a good reputation,
good grades/a secure job/career,
a committed boy/girlfriend/wife/husband,
facebook/TV shows/dramas,
drugs/sex/alcohol
a "successful" ministry,
or empty bible head knowledge,
we seek and begin to worship these things that which do not satisfy. i like to call it idolatry. a big part in the pursuit of holiness and righteousness is to say no to these "lesser lovers", or "idols" and to run hard after the One who satisfies. it is not enough to have a divided heart--one hand holding on to Jesus and the other holding on to any idol we make for ourselves. Jesus demands our all. the journey of a pure and simple devotion, the cultivation of dove's eyes, is found by becoming satisfied in Jesus alone. it is a journey of not being moved by the praise of man, or to have your emotions fluctuate based on what your friends think of you.
in the world we live in today, it has become so easy to forget that nothing apart from God alone satisfies. how easy it is to forget that nothing apart from the man Christ Jesus alone can satisfy! how easy we forget that He is the real joy-giver! here, satisfaction is simply found in a love relationship with Jesus--i move His heart, and He moves mine.
"delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart" ps. 13:4
"You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing" ps. 145:16
i know He is the only one that satisfies.
i'd like to know it and believe it with my heart soul strength and mind.
i'd like to live like it.
i'd like to wish that i always believed this promise of His is true.
but LORD, i forget so easily.
time and time again i catch myself looking elsewhere to find something or someone to satisfy.
time and time again i get a glimpse of Your face, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
i'm undone, ruined for anything apart from You.
everything i ever wanted i've found in You
only You can satisfy my heart's desire
"you are my LORD, apart from You i have no good thing" ps. 16:2
intimate friendships,
the level of our popularity/having a good reputation,
good grades/a secure job/career,
a committed boy/girlfriend/wife/husband,
facebook/TV shows/dramas,
drugs/sex/alcohol
a "successful" ministry,
or empty bible head knowledge,
we seek and begin to worship these things that which do not satisfy. i like to call it idolatry. a big part in the pursuit of holiness and righteousness is to say no to these "lesser lovers", or "idols" and to run hard after the One who satisfies. it is not enough to have a divided heart--one hand holding on to Jesus and the other holding on to any idol we make for ourselves. Jesus demands our all. the journey of a pure and simple devotion, the cultivation of dove's eyes, is found by becoming satisfied in Jesus alone. it is a journey of not being moved by the praise of man, or to have your emotions fluctuate based on what your friends think of you.
in the world we live in today, it has become so easy to forget that nothing apart from God alone satisfies. how easy it is to forget that nothing apart from the man Christ Jesus alone can satisfy! how easy we forget that He is the real joy-giver! here, satisfaction is simply found in a love relationship with Jesus--i move His heart, and He moves mine.
"delight yourself in the LORD, and He will give you the desires of your heart" ps. 13:4
"You open Your hand; You satisfy the desire of every living thing" ps. 145:16
i know He is the only one that satisfies.
i'd like to know it and believe it with my heart soul strength and mind.
i'd like to live like it.
i'd like to wish that i always believed this promise of His is true.
but LORD, i forget so easily.
time and time again i catch myself looking elsewhere to find something or someone to satisfy.
time and time again i get a glimpse of Your face, and my heart sinks to the pit of my stomach.
i'm undone, ruined for anything apart from You.
everything i ever wanted i've found in You
only You can satisfy my heart's desire
"you are my LORD, apart from You i have no good thing" ps. 16:2
10.17.2010
You, whom my soul loves
"scarcely had i passed them
when i found him whom my soul loves.
i held him, and would not let him go"
sos 3:4
i will cling to You
when i found him whom my soul loves.
i held him, and would not let him go"
sos 3:4
i will cling to You
10.15.2010
Your mercies are new every morning
when the LORD restored the fortunes of Zion,
we were like those who dream.
then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"the LORD has done great things for them."
the LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negeb!
those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!
he who goes out weeping bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.
psalm 126
i believe it,
when i see Your face,
it's gonna be worth it all.
You are worth it all.
we were like those who dream.
then our mouth was filled with laughter,
and our tongue with shouts of joy;
then they said among the nations,
"the LORD has done great things for them."
the LORD has done great things for us;
we are glad.
Restore our fortunes, O LORD,
like streams in the Negeb!
those who sow in tears shall reap with shouts of joy!
he who goes out weeping bearing the seed for sowing,
shall come home with shouts of joy,
bringing his sheaves with him.
psalm 126
i believe it,
when i see Your face,
it's gonna be worth it all.
You are worth it all.
10.08.2010
one thing i am sure of
He always leave me in a place of uncertainty in order for me to be more certain in Him. He always leave me in a place where i have nothing secure to hold on to, only to leave me clinging to Him. in this place, He reminds me once again that nothing else apart from Him is secure, so i will cling. that is all i know how to do right now. LORD, help me to cling ever so tightly, and never let go.
surrendering is a process.
He begins by taking away security in my own plans, only to leave me scrambling, desperate for a sense of direction found only in His perfect leadership. then it's a process of letting go, submitting to His leadership and His moment by moment whispers. it's a process of abandonment to myself entirely, and a process of giving in, to stop fighting against His ways, to submit, and to follow. it's a process to stop questioning, complaining, and wrestling against His hand at work in my life. for your left hand is under my head, and your right hand embraces me.
give me grace to trust Your name
give me strength to be steady
though many things are uncertain, one thing remains certain,
one thing i am sure of,
that You never leave me,
for You remain faithful to the end
surrendering is a process.
He begins by taking away security in my own plans, only to leave me scrambling, desperate for a sense of direction found only in His perfect leadership. then it's a process of letting go, submitting to His leadership and His moment by moment whispers. it's a process of abandonment to myself entirely, and a process of giving in, to stop fighting against His ways, to submit, and to follow. it's a process to stop questioning, complaining, and wrestling against His hand at work in my life. for your left hand is under my head, and your right hand embraces me.
give me grace to trust Your name
give me strength to be steady
though many things are uncertain, one thing remains certain,
one thing i am sure of,
that You never leave me,
for You remain faithful to the end
10.07.2010
here with me now
the most important thing at any given moment of my life is this: knowing that He is with me. nothing is more important at any conscious, waking moment of my life than knowing that He is here with me in the present, right here, right now.
the word "knowing" now becomes the hardest yet most profound word to grasp. i can know many things. i can know the joshua 1 promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. i can know that He was with me a year ago, or a few days ago. i can know that He was with me yesterday, or even this morning. i can know that His presence never leaves me and that His Spirit indwells within me for eternity. but at any given moment, no amount of head knowledge or past experience matters unless i know that He is with me right now.
i'm realizing that most of the spiritual disciplines and spiritual formation exercises i've learned focus on knowing God in the present. brother lawrence's "practicing the presence of God", IHOP's "fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit", paul's command to "pray without ceasing", and the practice of "waiting upon God", are focused to achieve this simple yet profound revelation--that the creator God of the universe is here with you, living within you, and He sees you and knows you intimately.
daily, there is an insatiable hunger within the depths of my soul that thirsts, even screams to have this "revelation of revelations". i refuse to sit still or be at peace until i know within my heart of hearts that He is here with me right now. it truly changes everything.
i'm realizing just how much this revelation affects my well being. as a result, i've realized that the enemy uses anything he can to steal and take away this revelation. the enemy loves to overwhelm my mind with thoughts, worries, anxiety, distractions, and consume me with any stupid thought he can think of to prevent me from focusing on His present, indwelling Spirit living inside of me. once overwhelmed, i am quick to forget and i easily tune out the gentle whispers of the Spirit dwelling in me. oh, how i hate you enemy!
to this day, waiting upon God remains the secret to my life. the most life-giving choice i can make is to shut up my abundance of unnecessary thoughts, be still, and know that He is God.
the word "knowing" now becomes the hardest yet most profound word to grasp. i can know many things. i can know the joshua 1 promise that He will never leave me nor forsake me. i can know that He was with me a year ago, or a few days ago. i can know that He was with me yesterday, or even this morning. i can know that His presence never leaves me and that His Spirit indwells within me for eternity. but at any given moment, no amount of head knowledge or past experience matters unless i know that He is with me right now.
i'm realizing that most of the spiritual disciplines and spiritual formation exercises i've learned focus on knowing God in the present. brother lawrence's "practicing the presence of God", IHOP's "fellowshipping with the Holy Spirit", paul's command to "pray without ceasing", and the practice of "waiting upon God", are focused to achieve this simple yet profound revelation--that the creator God of the universe is here with you, living within you, and He sees you and knows you intimately.
daily, there is an insatiable hunger within the depths of my soul that thirsts, even screams to have this "revelation of revelations". i refuse to sit still or be at peace until i know within my heart of hearts that He is here with me right now. it truly changes everything.
i'm realizing just how much this revelation affects my well being. as a result, i've realized that the enemy uses anything he can to steal and take away this revelation. the enemy loves to overwhelm my mind with thoughts, worries, anxiety, distractions, and consume me with any stupid thought he can think of to prevent me from focusing on His present, indwelling Spirit living inside of me. once overwhelmed, i am quick to forget and i easily tune out the gentle whispers of the Spirit dwelling in me. oh, how i hate you enemy!
to this day, waiting upon God remains the secret to my life. the most life-giving choice i can make is to shut up my abundance of unnecessary thoughts, be still, and know that He is God.
10.06.2010
good news
my friend walked into the room, a grim expression upon his face
“my coworker passed away yesterday”
“what do you mean?” I asked
“I went to work today, and she wasn’t there, and they said she died in her sleep”
the room went silent, as the words slowly began to sink in.
my friend began to speak,
“how can I claim to hold the keys to eternal life yet never share the gospel with her? i can’t believe I never got to share the gospel with her.
she was the most selfless person in the office...i could tell she was so hopeless, living a hopeless life. I could tell by the way she carried herself...she said she lived in a trailer home with her mom...that seemed like the only thing she lived for was to take care of her mom...she was always on the phone with her doctors...she always looked so tired...she said she had insomnia, she would go to work in the morning, her eyes dark because she couldn’t fall asleep...i could tell she had no purpose...she never cut her hair, and when people asked her why she said if she did she wouldn’t know how she should get it cut...it reflects how she lived her life...just wandering...just to get through life...without a purpose, without a hope...
how can I claim to know the good news and yet never share it to her? why am I not treating the gospel like it was good news? if the gospel message is such good news, why have I failed to preach it to a woman who needs it the most? if anyone, she would’ve been really open to receive the hope of the gospel. and I failed eric, I failed.”
my friend walked out of the room.
the room fell silent again.
the weight of eternity weighed heavily upon me.
I began to reflect on how death is the ultimate equalizer; that God, perfect in love and perfect in judgment, would use death to level the playing field. that regardless of wealth, fame, social status, there will come a day where we each come face to face with death. in this place, we will find ourselves standing before the judgment seat of God, ready to receive our fate for the rest of eternity.
I was cut to the heart by the reality of souls upon souls that reach eternal death every second of the day. nearly 161 people die every minute; LORD knows if at least 80 souls go to hell and enter into eternal damnation every minute, never given the chance to experience any hope or sense of life again. we are talking about souls. eternity is at stake, and can won or lost in a moment.
the question is this: will you say yes to Jesus?
and if you have said yes to Jesus, where is the sense of urgency? do you not hold in your hand the key to eternal life? do you claim to know the only means to salvation? how can you not share it? is it not good news to you?
one of the most sickening realities about myself and most christians is that I have known all this yet I remain unmoved.
LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours.
“my coworker passed away yesterday”
“what do you mean?” I asked
“I went to work today, and she wasn’t there, and they said she died in her sleep”
the room went silent, as the words slowly began to sink in.
my friend began to speak,
“how can I claim to hold the keys to eternal life yet never share the gospel with her? i can’t believe I never got to share the gospel with her.
she was the most selfless person in the office...i could tell she was so hopeless, living a hopeless life. I could tell by the way she carried herself...she said she lived in a trailer home with her mom...that seemed like the only thing she lived for was to take care of her mom...she was always on the phone with her doctors...she always looked so tired...she said she had insomnia, she would go to work in the morning, her eyes dark because she couldn’t fall asleep...i could tell she had no purpose...she never cut her hair, and when people asked her why she said if she did she wouldn’t know how she should get it cut...it reflects how she lived her life...just wandering...just to get through life...without a purpose, without a hope...
how can I claim to know the good news and yet never share it to her? why am I not treating the gospel like it was good news? if the gospel message is such good news, why have I failed to preach it to a woman who needs it the most? if anyone, she would’ve been really open to receive the hope of the gospel. and I failed eric, I failed.”
my friend walked out of the room.
the room fell silent again.
the weight of eternity weighed heavily upon me.
I began to reflect on how death is the ultimate equalizer; that God, perfect in love and perfect in judgment, would use death to level the playing field. that regardless of wealth, fame, social status, there will come a day where we each come face to face with death. in this place, we will find ourselves standing before the judgment seat of God, ready to receive our fate for the rest of eternity.
I was cut to the heart by the reality of souls upon souls that reach eternal death every second of the day. nearly 161 people die every minute; LORD knows if at least 80 souls go to hell and enter into eternal damnation every minute, never given the chance to experience any hope or sense of life again. we are talking about souls. eternity is at stake, and can won or lost in a moment.
the question is this: will you say yes to Jesus?
and if you have said yes to Jesus, where is the sense of urgency? do you not hold in your hand the key to eternal life? do you claim to know the only means to salvation? how can you not share it? is it not good news to you?
one of the most sickening realities about myself and most christians is that I have known all this yet I remain unmoved.
LORD, break my heart for what breaks yours.
10.05.2010
simple offering
there are still moments where the spirit of performance in me tells me that i'm not giving enough, or that my offering is insufficient. the more i am exposed to the depths of holiness and perfection in the God i serve, the more i feel like i have fallen short in offering a love, a heart, a lifestyle of worship that is worthy of His acceptance, let alone come close to reciprocating what i'm receiving. the more i'm exposed to the magnitude of His kindness, His perfect love, i am left desiring to give Him even more--which usually translates to serve Him more, to pray more, to worship more, to try harder...the list goes on and on...
yet, i keep finding myself falling short.
in other words, because He has been so good to me, there are moments where i feel like i must give something of value in return, yet i keep failing. i realize how weak i am, how little faith i have, and how little trust i have. i realize just how broken my love is, how easily i become distracted, and how easily i can take my eyes off of Him.
here, i realize it's one of those moments of amazing grace where it's not about what i can give, but what He keeps giving me. here, i can trade in all of myself for all of Him. what a glorious exchange of love indeed!
as for me, all i have to offer is a broken and contrite heart.
for you do not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it;
you will not be pleased with burnt offering
the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise
psalm 51:16
You look to the humble and contrite in spirit;
one who trembles at your word
isaiah 66:2
I bring to you a fragrant offering
I pour out my love and I wash your feet
I offer up to you oh LORD this brokenness
what You can see in me will be my confidence
yet, i keep finding myself falling short.
in other words, because He has been so good to me, there are moments where i feel like i must give something of value in return, yet i keep failing. i realize how weak i am, how little faith i have, and how little trust i have. i realize just how broken my love is, how easily i become distracted, and how easily i can take my eyes off of Him.
here, i realize it's one of those moments of amazing grace where it's not about what i can give, but what He keeps giving me. here, i can trade in all of myself for all of Him. what a glorious exchange of love indeed!
as for me, all i have to offer is a broken and contrite heart.
for you do not delight in sacrifice, or i would give it;
you will not be pleased with burnt offering
the sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise
psalm 51:16
You look to the humble and contrite in spirit;
one who trembles at your word
isaiah 66:2
I bring to you a fragrant offering
I pour out my love and I wash your feet
I offer up to you oh LORD this brokenness
what You can see in me will be my confidence
constant
The steadfast love of the LORD never ceases;
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
lamentations 3:22-26
his mercies never come to an end;
they are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
"The LORD is my portion," says my soul,
"therefore I will hope in him."
The LORD is good to those who wait for him,
to the soul who seeks him.
It is good that one should wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
lamentations 3:22-26
10.04.2010
missions
i look forward to the day He opens a door for me to do missions work in asia. china would be a good place to start.
9.25.2010
choices
13 years later, it's still a choice.
it's not a once-in-a-lifetime-stand-up-if-you-want-to-accept-Jesus-into-your-life type of choice.
nor is it a once-a-day-during-devo-and-forget-about-it choice.
it's become a moment-by-moment choice that follows every breath i take.
13 years later, i'm still left choosing.
tonight, the choice is the same it was 13 years ago. the choice remains simple. will i choose Jesus? will i say yes to Him? will i choose His promises, His Truth, His voice, His ways above my ways?
or will i say NO to all that and choose something else over Him? will i choose myself over Him? will i give in to what my emotions tell me? will i choose to dwell in my insecurities, my doubts, and fears?
the voices come flooding back.
some tell me that i have no hope, that i'm always giving You the benefit of the doubt, that i'm just doing some positive thinking therapy, that You do not care about me, that You are ignoring me, and that You have forsaken me.
yet, another familiar voice tells me that Your love is steadfast, You are faithful, You are constant, and most importantly, that You are here with me now.
what will i choose tonight?
tonight, i will choose You. i will choose to hold on to Your promises. i will choose Your Truth over my emotions. tonight i choose to live in Your joy, peace, and freedom. tonight, i choose You over the lies, the voices that tell me i have no hope. i will choose You over the temptation to desire anything apart from You.
tonight, i, eric shi, will choose to say YES to Jesus. i will choose to die to myself. tonight i will choose to renew my mind according to the Spirit, and to be transformed by Your love.
at the end of the day, whom do i have but You?
how can i refuse Your kindness, Your steadfast love?
it's not a once-in-a-lifetime-stand-up-if-you-want-to-accept-Jesus-into-your-life type of choice.
nor is it a once-a-day-during-devo-and-forget-about-it choice.
it's become a moment-by-moment choice that follows every breath i take.
13 years later, i'm still left choosing.
tonight, the choice is the same it was 13 years ago. the choice remains simple. will i choose Jesus? will i say yes to Him? will i choose His promises, His Truth, His voice, His ways above my ways?
or will i say NO to all that and choose something else over Him? will i choose myself over Him? will i give in to what my emotions tell me? will i choose to dwell in my insecurities, my doubts, and fears?
the voices come flooding back.
some tell me that i have no hope, that i'm always giving You the benefit of the doubt, that i'm just doing some positive thinking therapy, that You do not care about me, that You are ignoring me, and that You have forsaken me.
yet, another familiar voice tells me that Your love is steadfast, You are faithful, You are constant, and most importantly, that You are here with me now.
what will i choose tonight?
tonight, i will choose You. i will choose to hold on to Your promises. i will choose Your Truth over my emotions. tonight i choose to live in Your joy, peace, and freedom. tonight, i choose You over the lies, the voices that tell me i have no hope. i will choose You over the temptation to desire anything apart from You.
tonight, i, eric shi, will choose to say YES to Jesus. i will choose to die to myself. tonight i will choose to renew my mind according to the Spirit, and to be transformed by Your love.
at the end of the day, whom do i have but You?
how can i refuse Your kindness, Your steadfast love?
9.14.2010
to the end, i will keep coming back to You
nevertheless, You are continually with me;
You hold my right hand.
You guide me with Your counsel,
and afterward you will take me into glory
whom have i in heaven but You?
there is nothing on earth that i desire besides You
my flesh and my heart may fail
but You are the strength of my heart
and my portion forever.
for me, it is good to be near You.
i have made You my refuge
that i may tell of all Your works
here's my heart LORD
take it all
here's my life LORD
Yours, it is Yours
9.04.2010
blank
The sacrifices of God are a broken spirit;
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
You always see the bigger picture
help me to see it too
a broken and contrite heart,
O God, you will not despise.
You always see the bigger picture
help me to see it too
springs of life
i never knew what i was getting myself into the moment i said yes to Him. i realized i'm not responsible for the journey i take when i follow Him with all my heart. i realized i'm powerless to make things end up the way i want it. the moment i set my heart to be a lover of Jesus, He's been the one leading me on. the rest is His story
we sometimes come to the unconscious assumption that trusting Jesus leads to a problem-free life. as if Jesus was the means to a more joyful, happy life.
"just trust Jesus and you will get that _______ (house, relationship, job) you always wanted!"
"just trust Jesus and life will be perfect and peachy!"
"just trust Jesus and you will live that life you always wanted, happily ever after"
Jesus is not a means to an end, He is my end.
all my fountains are in Him.
the call to trust Jesus is a call to die. the journey to the cross is a call to crucify yourself and watch your old self, old habits, old mindsets, old sinful temptations die.
it is a journey of pain--the purging of the "lesser" desires in your heart which do not last until you are left desiring nothing but more of Him.
it is a call to pick up your cross and do whatever it takes to follow Him. it is a call to bleed just as much as it is a call to receive blessing. true love, joy, peace, and happiness of a life in Him comes with the letting go of everything that does not last.
and He will lead me to springs of life
we sometimes come to the unconscious assumption that trusting Jesus leads to a problem-free life. as if Jesus was the means to a more joyful, happy life.
"just trust Jesus and you will get that _______ (house, relationship, job) you always wanted!"
"just trust Jesus and life will be perfect and peachy!"
"just trust Jesus and you will live that life you always wanted, happily ever after"
Jesus is not a means to an end, He is my end.
all my fountains are in Him.
the call to trust Jesus is a call to die. the journey to the cross is a call to crucify yourself and watch your old self, old habits, old mindsets, old sinful temptations die.
it is a journey of pain--the purging of the "lesser" desires in your heart which do not last until you are left desiring nothing but more of Him.
it is a call to pick up your cross and do whatever it takes to follow Him. it is a call to bleed just as much as it is a call to receive blessing. true love, joy, peace, and happiness of a life in Him comes with the letting go of everything that does not last.
and He will lead me to springs of life
9.03.2010
this is how He blesses me
"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me.
seasons of weakness are a gift from God.
it's a gift because it gives me a chance to boast--not about myself, because no one would want to hear about how miserable and weak i am. rather, when i am weak, i get the chance to boast about none other than He who makes me strong.
in my weakness, there is no confusion about where my strength comes from. in my weakness, the thin line between depending on my flesh and leaning into the Spirit becomes a bold, dark line. when i am weak, i can no longer do anything on my own strength, and it becomes clear where my strength comes from--completely from Him. here, i take no credit. here, there is no boasting about how good i am. only about how good He is.
it is in my weakness and pain where His voice is loudest. it's usually the place i try to avoid and run away from. i manage to avoid it by telling myself that i really don't need to depend on Him that much so i run on my own strength...i manage to make it a few steps...next thing i know, i'm on my knees crying out to Him in desperation. by His mercy, His amazing grace, His jealous love, i find myself here again, and it finally hits me. it is the very place He always wanted me to be.
to be used by God, i'm learning to be weak and foolish rather than an all-conquering hero. when i am feeling weak and weary, my strength comes from clinging to His steadfast love, found in His promises. it's through my trials where i discover that He is always for me, never against me.
~~~
And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins.
seasons of pain are a gift from God.
the tearing of the heart is a painful process. however, pain, when dealt with correctly, always begets beauty.
beauty is a heart torn open, ready to receive more.
beauty is found in the trading in of old wineskins for new ones, only to recieve more of the Spirit.
beauty is a jeremiah 2 moment, to leave behind the broken cisterns that never satisfy in wholehearted pursuit of the Fountain of life.
never going back, only going forward.
You make all things new.
seasons of weakness are a gift from God.
it's a gift because it gives me a chance to boast--not about myself, because no one would want to hear about how miserable and weak i am. rather, when i am weak, i get the chance to boast about none other than He who makes me strong.
in my weakness, there is no confusion about where my strength comes from. in my weakness, the thin line between depending on my flesh and leaning into the Spirit becomes a bold, dark line. when i am weak, i can no longer do anything on my own strength, and it becomes clear where my strength comes from--completely from Him. here, i take no credit. here, there is no boasting about how good i am. only about how good He is.
it is in my weakness and pain where His voice is loudest. it's usually the place i try to avoid and run away from. i manage to avoid it by telling myself that i really don't need to depend on Him that much so i run on my own strength...i manage to make it a few steps...next thing i know, i'm on my knees crying out to Him in desperation. by His mercy, His amazing grace, His jealous love, i find myself here again, and it finally hits me. it is the very place He always wanted me to be.
to be used by God, i'm learning to be weak and foolish rather than an all-conquering hero. when i am feeling weak and weary, my strength comes from clinging to His steadfast love, found in His promises. it's through my trials where i discover that He is always for me, never against me.
~~~
And no one pours new wine into old wineskins. If he does, the new wine will burst the skins, the wine will run out and the wineskins will be ruined. No, new wine must be poured into new wineskins.
seasons of pain are a gift from God.
the tearing of the heart is a painful process. however, pain, when dealt with correctly, always begets beauty.
beauty is a heart torn open, ready to receive more.
beauty is found in the trading in of old wineskins for new ones, only to recieve more of the Spirit.
beauty is a jeremiah 2 moment, to leave behind the broken cisterns that never satisfy in wholehearted pursuit of the Fountain of life.
never going back, only going forward.
You make all things new.
what i'm living for
I will be Yours, You will be mine,
together in eternity
our hearts of love will be entwined,
forever in eternity
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever
together in eternity
our hearts of love will be entwined,
forever in eternity
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever
8.27.2010
rantings on surrender
like all human beings, i have been created to desire security. whether it's in the area of secure relationships (knowing that i am loved) or a secure future (knowing the next step in life, a secure job etc.), stability gives me peace.
the prayer for God to shake everything that can be shaken is a prayer that shouldn't be taken lightly. it's a prayer that comes from a desire to be shaken from any false security only to be rooted and grounded in Love. the journey of surrender is one where God takes everything that i find security in (relationships, a secure job, etc.) and removes them to show me that ultimate security is found in His character and His leadership alone.
~~~
the prayer to know "God's will for my future" is a popular one. as i look deeper, the desire to know "God's will for my future" actually stems from a desire for security.
i realize my desire for a secure and well planned out future is another way of saying i don't trust God's perfect leadership. in other words, my desire for a neatly-packaged and planned out future is another way of saying i desire something else other than having full trust and surrender to Jesus. as i sit and beat my head and wrestle with God for a clear sense of life direction (just give me a sign, God!), i realize 2 things:
1) He just might never give me that "sign" or "burning bush" experience that we all look for.
2) my desire to know "God's will for my future" is actually a scapegoat, an act of faithlessness, and an indicator that i'm not willing to trust in the moment-by-moment leadership of Holy Spirit--not for now, tomorrow, or the years to come.
~~~~
when asked about seeking clarity from God, mother teresa responded:
“Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
i realized that where there is clarity, i no longer need to depend on the Spirit. when i feel "secure" about my life direction, it becomes easy to go about life independent of the Spirit, and i reach a place where it becomes easy to no longer need the leadership of God in my life. so today i've decided that instead of always waiting for a clear answer for my future (God is not a fortune teller), i will wait upon the LORD--and trust in the perfect leadership of Holy Spirit.
from now on, i think i will be okay if i never will be able to know fully "God's will for my future". heck, that takes all the fun Spirit-led experiences out of life. all i need is the moment-by-moment trust in the leadership of Holy Spirit. and that is more than enough for me. so instead of clinging to a "clear life direction", i'm gonna cling to Holy Spirit. such is the cultivation of dependency and surrender to the Spirit.
i love you, Holy Spirit. Your leadership is perfect.
the prayer for God to shake everything that can be shaken is a prayer that shouldn't be taken lightly. it's a prayer that comes from a desire to be shaken from any false security only to be rooted and grounded in Love. the journey of surrender is one where God takes everything that i find security in (relationships, a secure job, etc.) and removes them to show me that ultimate security is found in His character and His leadership alone.
~~~
the prayer to know "God's will for my future" is a popular one. as i look deeper, the desire to know "God's will for my future" actually stems from a desire for security.
i realize my desire for a secure and well planned out future is another way of saying i don't trust God's perfect leadership. in other words, my desire for a neatly-packaged and planned out future is another way of saying i desire something else other than having full trust and surrender to Jesus. as i sit and beat my head and wrestle with God for a clear sense of life direction (just give me a sign, God!), i realize 2 things:
1) He just might never give me that "sign" or "burning bush" experience that we all look for.
2) my desire to know "God's will for my future" is actually a scapegoat, an act of faithlessness, and an indicator that i'm not willing to trust in the moment-by-moment leadership of Holy Spirit--not for now, tomorrow, or the years to come.
~~~~
when asked about seeking clarity from God, mother teresa responded:
“Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”
i realized that where there is clarity, i no longer need to depend on the Spirit. when i feel "secure" about my life direction, it becomes easy to go about life independent of the Spirit, and i reach a place where it becomes easy to no longer need the leadership of God in my life. so today i've decided that instead of always waiting for a clear answer for my future (God is not a fortune teller), i will wait upon the LORD--and trust in the perfect leadership of Holy Spirit.
from now on, i think i will be okay if i never will be able to know fully "God's will for my future". heck, that takes all the fun Spirit-led experiences out of life. all i need is the moment-by-moment trust in the leadership of Holy Spirit. and that is more than enough for me. so instead of clinging to a "clear life direction", i'm gonna cling to Holy Spirit. such is the cultivation of dependency and surrender to the Spirit.
i love you, Holy Spirit. Your leadership is perfect.
8.23.2010
at the end of the day, it's only You
I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
psalm 121
in the end, all that really matters is that i take one look at Your face and everything else disappears
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
psalm 121
in the end, all that really matters is that i take one look at Your face and everything else disappears
8.22.2010
throwback
O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen
-St. Francis of Assisi
surrender '10
surrender
and the journey of a surrendered soul continues. it's been a process of finding joy in the letting go, where He has asked me to exchange all my short-lived, temporary expectations for His perfect leadership. it's a place where i have learned to let go of everything, as i watch as the waves of His mercy destroy the castles of sand (my own plans for this life) which i've unconsciously built. as i'm swept under the waves of His mercy, His jealous love purges all my hopes and desires put in anything but Him. in this place of desperation, i scramble quickly, and cry out to my only Constant. in His kindness, not only does He come, but He gives me a chance to set my feet on the Rock--my firm foundation, to which i cling to this day.
the purging process is one that leaves me with no agenda and no expectations. a purged soul is one that knows nothing but the thoughts and desires of the indwelling presence of His Spirit. a renewed mind leads to a transformed heart--it is a place where i know nothing but the good, pleasing and perfect will of a good Abba (rom 12:2). here, there is life and peace (rom 8:5). in this rare state of my heart, i can finally scream with all my heart, "all my fountains are in You! my hope is in You alone!"
such are the beginnings of a soul surrendered to the Spirit. it has brought me to a place where i've learned to come into complete agreement with every step He leads me. it's a journey of praise--praising Him for every door He opens as well as every door He closes. because He is a good good Father.
~~~
9But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. 10For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 corinthians 12:9-10
the pursuit of true joy requires a tearing of the heart. i asked, and He gave. a torn heart is a vulnerable one. a season of weakness tenderizes the heart where i have nowhere to run but into His arms. a tenderized heart postures me in a position to receive from Him, where my Spirit is vulnerable, yet sensitive to each word He is saying to me. each word now pierces the heart in an instant, whereas a for a dull spirit it can take days. a weak heart is a place where i can scream wholeheartedly, "Jesus, You're all i want, You're all i need!"
most people dread seasons of weakness. yet i've finally learned to enjoy them. in fact, i've learned to look forward to them as i anticipate the depths He could take me this time. as i reflect on the past, seasons of weakness have been seasons of desperation. they are the seasons where i have nothing else to hold on to but Him. these are the seasons where the heartfelt cries of psalm 73 become mine: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you."
these seasons are rare. but i treasure them deeply. thank You LORD!
You never stop, never stop loving me.
8.11.2010
wrestlings of the heart
one of the worst feelings on this journey called faith is when you think you heard Him correctly, were obedient to follow Him through it, only to emerge on the other side realizing perhaps you did not hear Him as well as you thought you did.
or to put it another way, you think He opens a door for you, you enter it, only to realize you might've walked through the wrong door.
mistake? or are we still in step with His perfect leadership?
did you hear Him incorrectly? or are you where you are today because that is where He wanted you in the first place? if so, does that mean we are always where He wants us to be even though it may not be where we would like to be, or even close to what we had hoped for?
Abba, i know Your leadership is perfect.
Abba, i know You know the desires of my heart, but even more so, you know the Desire of my heart--to follow You wholeheartedly. to the ends of the earth, wherever you lead me LORD, i will follow!
but Abba, it's hard. yes, i need to trust in You. yes, i am asking you to open doors, to provide a way for me. yes, i need to let go and give it all up to you. yet,
Abba, where is the joy in the letting go? all this world screams at me that in the letting go, there is only chaos, and i probably end up job-less, purpose-less, without a future, without a hope. okay not really, just being a little dramatic there haha. it's times like these where i want to drop everything and just go to seminary. haha just kiddingggg.
yet, Abba, i know that You are my hope.
all my fountains are in You.
or to put it another way, you think He opens a door for you, you enter it, only to realize you might've walked through the wrong door.
mistake? or are we still in step with His perfect leadership?
did you hear Him incorrectly? or are you where you are today because that is where He wanted you in the first place? if so, does that mean we are always where He wants us to be even though it may not be where we would like to be, or even close to what we had hoped for?
Abba, i know Your leadership is perfect.
Abba, i know You know the desires of my heart, but even more so, you know the Desire of my heart--to follow You wholeheartedly. to the ends of the earth, wherever you lead me LORD, i will follow!
but Abba, it's hard. yes, i need to trust in You. yes, i am asking you to open doors, to provide a way for me. yes, i need to let go and give it all up to you. yet,
Abba, where is the joy in the letting go? all this world screams at me that in the letting go, there is only chaos, and i probably end up job-less, purpose-less, without a future, without a hope. okay not really, just being a little dramatic there haha. it's times like these where i want to drop everything and just go to seminary. haha just kiddingggg.
yet, Abba, i know that You are my hope.
all my fountains are in You.
8.08.2010
i will keep coming back to You
for all your fountains are in Me
I have everything you need
just keep coming back to Me
those who call upon My name
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me
I have everything you need
just keep coming back to Me
those who call upon My name
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me
8.03.2010
personal revelation
a steady gaze doesn't require gritting our teeth and suppressing all our distractions, but an honest acceptance of the thoughts of the mind and inviting the Spirit to speak to us, bringing us into agreement with His constant goodness. here, we find ourselves in a place where we are even closer to Him, more so than if we forced ourselves to focus on Him by fierce determination.
thank you LORD!
thank you LORD!
7.31.2010
the choice is yours
the pursuit of holiness (or the pursuit of righteousness, whatever you call it) is achieved in 2 ways, both of which require a very basic sunday school concept: obedience to Jesus.
on one hand we have obedience fueled by religious duty. duty implies obligation, a responsibility, work, a job. here, our heart is always reaching, always struggling, always striving, always trying harder. we rely on our own willpower as we believe that by taming our spirit to just "do the right thing", we will be successful, and hopefully, obtain perfection, a self-ordained version of righteousness, a "christian nirvana". we constantly find ourselves doubting if we will ever be good enough, and we wonder if we are really worth as much as He says we are. and always, lurking in the back dark corner is the fear of failure.
on the other hand we have obedience fueled by a love relationship of encounter. here we stand in confidence in the place of grace, where obedience comes from an overflow out of the abundance of the heart. here, obedience comes from a heart response, a form of worship because these days it seems like worship is the only appropriate response after encountering the face of Love. obedience becomes a dance, as the steps of our heart flow in sync with the movements of His, as our heart is swept away by the goodness of His every move.
it's amazing how the same goal can have such differing ways of reaching it. both operate from a genuine heart that desires nothing but true relationship with Jesus. however, one kills the spirit, and we reach a place where the journey has become too hard, and we just can't go on anymore.
the other, you His son, His daughter.
life does not get any better than this.
on one hand we have obedience fueled by religious duty. duty implies obligation, a responsibility, work, a job. here, our heart is always reaching, always struggling, always striving, always trying harder. we rely on our own willpower as we believe that by taming our spirit to just "do the right thing", we will be successful, and hopefully, obtain perfection, a self-ordained version of righteousness, a "christian nirvana". we constantly find ourselves doubting if we will ever be good enough, and we wonder if we are really worth as much as He says we are. and always, lurking in the back dark corner is the fear of failure.
on the other hand we have obedience fueled by a love relationship of encounter. here we stand in confidence in the place of grace, where obedience comes from an overflow out of the abundance of the heart. here, obedience comes from a heart response, a form of worship because these days it seems like worship is the only appropriate response after encountering the face of Love. obedience becomes a dance, as the steps of our heart flow in sync with the movements of His, as our heart is swept away by the goodness of His every move.
it's amazing how the same goal can have such differing ways of reaching it. both operate from a genuine heart that desires nothing but true relationship with Jesus. however, one kills the spirit, and we reach a place where the journey has become too hard, and we just can't go on anymore.
the other, you His son, His daughter.
life does not get any better than this.
7.25.2010
show me Your glory
i live to know His love.
i live to know Him--His character, His emotions, feelings, and thoughts. at any moment in the day, i want to be aware of His manifest presence as tangibly as the wind on my face, the sun on my skin.
a tenderized heart is one that does whatever it takes to know Him. it is one that does not settle. it is one that longs to read the Word only to be moved to tears. anything short of that would not suffice.
a tenderized heart is a john 17:3 commitment to know God. it is one that fears a dull spirit and a lukewarm heart.
~~~
confession: since the beginning of summer, i've had a nagging desire to be taken up into the throne room! yes, a revelation 4 encounter, just to get a glimpse of the beauty of the One who sits on the throne. oh, just a glimpse please?
yes, quite the random but it keeps coming back to me. i'll keep asking!
God said to Moses, "climb higher up the mountain and wait there for me; I'll give you tablets of stone, the teachings and commandments." exodus 24
yes, in order to meet God i must constantly climb higher, in order to hear His voice, i must learn to wait more. He's been kind in giving me an insatiable desire to escape and be with Him. oftentimes it makes me doubt if i'm being antisocial or a loner. today i'm learning it's just the way He made me, and He's given me these desires for a reason. i'll choose to be obedient to them.
in today's society, being alone has been given a negative connotation. solitude has become paired with a lonely, depressed, emo, loner, leave-me-alone/i want to kill myself type of mindset. we have become fearful of being alone so we pack our lives with busy-ness and we no longer have time for His presence. we have become too busy for His presence. such tragedy!
today, i will choose solitude. no, not the loner type of solitude, but the type where i can be alone to fellowship with Him. a place where the things of this world--responsibilities, other relationships can fade away, where i shift my mind from the things of this world to things of the Spirit, where i can position myself and feed upon His Word, and my heart is ready to encounter Him. glory.
here, i wait.
here, i am transformed from glory to glory.
here i am, LORD
show me your glory.
i live to know Him--His character, His emotions, feelings, and thoughts. at any moment in the day, i want to be aware of His manifest presence as tangibly as the wind on my face, the sun on my skin.
a tenderized heart is one that does whatever it takes to know Him. it is one that does not settle. it is one that longs to read the Word only to be moved to tears. anything short of that would not suffice.
a tenderized heart is a john 17:3 commitment to know God. it is one that fears a dull spirit and a lukewarm heart.
~~~
confession: since the beginning of summer, i've had a nagging desire to be taken up into the throne room! yes, a revelation 4 encounter, just to get a glimpse of the beauty of the One who sits on the throne. oh, just a glimpse please?
yes, quite the random but it keeps coming back to me. i'll keep asking!
God said to Moses, "climb higher up the mountain and wait there for me; I'll give you tablets of stone, the teachings and commandments." exodus 24
yes, in order to meet God i must constantly climb higher, in order to hear His voice, i must learn to wait more. He's been kind in giving me an insatiable desire to escape and be with Him. oftentimes it makes me doubt if i'm being antisocial or a loner. today i'm learning it's just the way He made me, and He's given me these desires for a reason. i'll choose to be obedient to them.
in today's society, being alone has been given a negative connotation. solitude has become paired with a lonely, depressed, emo, loner, leave-me-alone/i want to kill myself type of mindset. we have become fearful of being alone so we pack our lives with busy-ness and we no longer have time for His presence. we have become too busy for His presence. such tragedy!
today, i will choose solitude. no, not the loner type of solitude, but the type where i can be alone to fellowship with Him. a place where the things of this world--responsibilities, other relationships can fade away, where i shift my mind from the things of this world to things of the Spirit, where i can position myself and feed upon His Word, and my heart is ready to encounter Him. glory.
here, i wait.
here, i am transformed from glory to glory.
here i am, LORD
show me your glory.
7.15.2010
my biggest fears
(yay for late night rants!)
it's a scary thing, to finally be able to sit and be still, only to realize that it's been so long;
so long that you've forgotten the face that you were created to gaze upon.
it's a scary thing, to sit and be still, only to realize that you've forgotten who He is;
you don't even know who you are waiting for.
it's a scary thing, to become bored, restless, after spending just a minute in silence with Him;
you no longer can enjoy just being with Him.
it's a scary thing, to have time set out to talk to Him;
only to realize you have nothing to talk about. you don't even want to be here with Him.
it's a scary thing, to be unmoved when you meditate upon His love;
is Your love really better than life?
tonight, i recommit my vow to never reach these places.
i will cling on to You and never ever let go.
it's a scary thing, to finally be able to sit and be still, only to realize that it's been so long;
so long that you've forgotten the face that you were created to gaze upon.
it's a scary thing, to sit and be still, only to realize that you've forgotten who He is;
you don't even know who you are waiting for.
it's a scary thing, to become bored, restless, after spending just a minute in silence with Him;
you no longer can enjoy just being with Him.
it's a scary thing, to have time set out to talk to Him;
only to realize you have nothing to talk about. you don't even want to be here with Him.
it's a scary thing, to be unmoved when you meditate upon His love;
is Your love really better than life?
tonight, i recommit my vow to never reach these places.
i will cling on to You and never ever let go.
thanks, justin
oh the peace,
of pure abandon
oh the joy,
of sweet surrender
cause if i try and save my life i will lose it
but if i lose my life for Your sake i'll find it in the end
this is true life:
give it all away
~~~
happy holiness
joyful righteousness
life,
is found
in the letting go,
true joy,
is found
in the tearing of the heart
of pure abandon
oh the joy,
of sweet surrender
cause if i try and save my life i will lose it
but if i lose my life for Your sake i'll find it in the end
this is true life:
give it all away
~~~
happy holiness
joyful righteousness
life,
is found
in the letting go,
true joy,
is found
in the tearing of the heart
7.12.2010
thanks, Abba
when you're not really sure what's going on,
when you're wondering if you are on the right track,
when you question if you're doing well,
He kindly reminds you that He's still here with you.
surely goodness and mercy will cover me,
all the days of my life.
surely i'm going to dwell in the house of the LORD,
forevermore.
no more words necessary
when you're wondering if you are on the right track,
when you question if you're doing well,
He kindly reminds you that He's still here with you.
surely goodness and mercy will cover me,
all the days of my life.
surely i'm going to dwell in the house of the LORD,
forevermore.
no more words necessary
7.08.2010
this is my confidence
the spirit of performance/religious spirit/orphan spirit is one that keeps on telling me that God isn't pleased with me, that i've missed the mark or that i'm doing something wrong, preventing me from boldly standing before Him. it is a place of insecurity, one that keeps telling me that i have to be doing more, strive harder, pray harder, to pursue holiness harder, to trust more, to grasp on to every spiritual truth on the knowledge of God (how it slips through my fingers!), and it leaves me in a place thinking i am just never good enough. and as i drown in my weakness i lose all sense of my self worth, and i feel like a failure. woe is me! =(
the concept of amazing grace is one that i've just scratched the surface of. the journey of understanding the free gift of grace is a long one because the grace of Jesus is another one of those upside down kingdom truths--one that clashes with how my human heart naturally understands love and acceptance. (really? i don't have to do anything to earn love?)
besides the forgiveness of my sins (mercy), amazing grace brings me into a position of confidence. it is a place where i am completely righteous not because of what i do but because what He did, in making a way for me to enter into the holy place. with this posture of confidence, i receive the spirit of adoption, and i enter into my identity as His son. as His son, i can run to Him amidst drowning my immature love, my inability to trust, the ease by which i forget His truths, and to know that Abba Father enjoys me just as i am.
in this place, there is no striving.
here, i can walk with my chin up because i know who i am and i know who i belong to.
the enemy loves to take away my confidence. confidence means that i am filled with desire. it means i can run boldly, freely to His throne and embrace Him, because i have faith. i'm realizing my confidence can't rely on how i'm feeling, or what comes to my mind at the moment, because the default will be the lies of the enemy, that i'm not loved, not worthy, nor do i deserve Him because i've fallen so short in my humanness.
the reality of amazing grace, just like any truth i learn or read, isn't a truth i can just blog about or highlight in my bible and store into the deep abyss of my mind. rather, truth becomes alive only when i can use it in my dialogue with Him and it when it becomes something so engrained in my thoughts that my heart beats to it. such transformation, or the renewing of the mind (romans 12:2) is possible only as i fill my mind with truth and i thank Him and talk to Him about it. here, a paradigm shift brings about a revelation of the beautiful inheritance i always had, yet had failed to realize: the free gift of righteousness. it's a remarkable thing, to realize that freedom comes with the small (yet extremely difficult) way my mind thinks. such is the beauty of the spirit of revelation. thank You Holy Spirit!
oh the riches of a confident spirit i have yet to discover.
6.30.2010
hand
the mind is...scattered. unsettled. anxious. plans are...non-existent, up in the air. it's hard to sit and be still as the fear of the unknown, of not knowing the immediate next step leaves me trying to grasp the air for something, anything to cling on to, any tangible sense of direction, even for a moment of security. yet, security will not be found until i come to the revelation that security comes with whole-hearted surrender to the One who brings ultimate security. and knowledge of the unknown does not happen until i know the One who holds my life in the palm of His hands.
a season of transition is a season of the unknown. it is a season of wandering around in the dark with no sense of direction as i strain my ear to hear even the slightest sound of Your voice which gives me direction. and when i do hear Your voice ten million other voices come and fill me with doubt that i've heard correctly.
Abba, where are You leading me?
You are my refuge, the shelter to which i run into.
You are the steadfast Love to which i cling, my only constant.
You are the one whom i have set at my right hand. i will not be shaken.
You are my rock, my fortress. the stronghold of my life; whom shall i fear?
You are my Good Shepherd. and You will lead me into a place that is safe and secure.
i recite Truth over myself again and again.
~~~
eric, come. take My hand.
i will lead you beside still waters.
i will cling on to You. and never let go.
a season of transition is a season of the unknown. it is a season of wandering around in the dark with no sense of direction as i strain my ear to hear even the slightest sound of Your voice which gives me direction. and when i do hear Your voice ten million other voices come and fill me with doubt that i've heard correctly.
Abba, where are You leading me?
You are my refuge, the shelter to which i run into.
You are the steadfast Love to which i cling, my only constant.
You are the one whom i have set at my right hand. i will not be shaken.
You are my rock, my fortress. the stronghold of my life; whom shall i fear?
You are my Good Shepherd. and You will lead me into a place that is safe and secure.
i recite Truth over myself again and again.
~~~
eric, come. take My hand.i will lead you beside still waters.
i will cling on to You. and never let go.
6.19.2010
gaze '10
the glance.
how i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met, yet how easily i forget the moment i look away!
the glance.
eyes skirt to and fro, from the fear of man to the spirit of performance, of doing more, of earning love, back briefly into His eyes where i can come before Him as Hephzibah.
eyes then return back to the fear of the future and where i lose all security in His perfect leadership over my life and then they glance back into the One who leads me beside still waters.
the glance.
here, romance is short-lived and intimacy is lost.
here, devotion is fleeting.
here, peace is temporary.
here, i forget who i am and to who i belong to, and i find myself living as a beggar, someone less than a son of the King Most High, clothed in righteousness.
though it has the ability to ravish the very heart of God, i have refused to settle for a glance. i have set my heart to turn my glance into a gaze and to gaze upon Beauty for all of eternity.
the gaze.
i'm realizing a steady gaze is just impossible. impossible on my own strength, it's made possible only by the fullness of grace--when my heart collides with His and i encounter the face of Love.
the posturing of my heart to encounter Love has been hard. without posturing my heart, i don't encounter Him; when i don't encounter Him, i lose my inner groanings, the heart cry for moment by moment fellowship with Holy Spirit, to dialogue with Him, to know what He is thinking, what He is feeling. when i lose that, i lose Him, and i might as well die.
help me, Jesus
son, look into My eyes right now. never look away.
My eyes are upon you. they have always been.
you're My son, in whom I am well pleased.
you're doing well, eric. you're doing really well.
6.01.2010
lock your eyes with Mine
where you lead me LORD, i will follow
where you lead me LORD, i will go
eric, do you know where I am leading you?
umm no, sorry. where'd You go? i think i lost focus of You. i was too busy thinking to myself, making my own plans.
then watch Me lead
stop looking elsewhere
and lock your eyes with Mine.
~~~
no plans,
no expectations,
just wholehearted abandonment.
i'm gonna stop trying to gain control, i'm tired of it.
You can have control.
i'm finally letting go
who knows where i'll be tomorrow? a month? a year?
Your leadership is perfect.
sigh, how good it is to not know for once, and to let go!
here, your Spirit is reunited with me.
here, it is safe.
here, i am secure.
here, i find peace.
such is the beauty of surrender.
so this is what You meant by the surrendering of my soul
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