unoffended heart

as i follow Jesus there have been many moments where my heart becomes offended. it happens most often when I think that i've heard the LORD correctly on one thing, prayed about it, take a risk and step into that direction, only to get the door slammed shut on me. it's one of the most painful experiences in the world. it hurts because throughout it all, i had thought the LORD's hand was upon me and guiding me. throughout it all, i had been trying my best to discern and follow Jesus wherever He was leading me, and all of a sudden i feel alone, abandoned, and "set up" by God for disappointment. it's painful because it breaks trust, and my confidence in my ability to discern and hear from the LORD, and on top of that it's a blow to my faith in a loving, good God that has the best intentions for me. however, as i look back, such feelings were but temporary.

You turn things upside down!

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,
   "He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
   "He has no understanding"? 

is 29:16

the journey of trusting the perfect leadership of an invisible God is one that requires an unoffended heart. it's one that has to embrace the hard fact that following Jesus isn't a peachy and easy road where things will always go our way. in fact it's never even about our way to begin with. as i reflect on my past 4 years at UCSD (and even prior to that) there were many moments where life has just not gone as i had expected. (during such moments i would sigh, "oh life"). unanswered prayers, circumstances, hardships and conflicts in relationships, academics, ministry, or life calling have left me in places where i really question God's good intentions for me.

the weird thing is that the best way God has grown my heart is to offend it. it's one of those upside down kingdom paradoxes that God uses to mature my heart and my trust in His leadership. the journey of surrender is a journey of death to self. by His grace He wrecks my plans and expectations only to ask do you still trust me, Eric? even now? once i'm here i realize i have no where to turn but into His sovereign, perfect will for my life. He intentionally allows life to go a way that offends my heart, and He leaves me with the invitation to see if i will still trust that His ways are higher (is 55:9), and His ways are better, that He is still for me, cares for me, and that He still loves me. He breaks down my pride and my self-confidence apart from Him, only that i would come out leaning. little did i know that during my self-pity sessions, He knew the end of the story, that i would come up from the wilderness leaning on Him. and i will lean! for He always knows what is best for me. 

today, i'm left at a place where i know that regardless of any current circumstance, trial, tribulation, or struggle, all are but light and momentary afflictions that are producing in me an eternal weight of glory (2 cor 4:17-18). in His kindness the LORD offends my heart so that i would learn to cultivate an unoffended heart, for blessed are those who are unoffended in Him (matt 11:6). through this process i come out leaning, confident that my life is not my own, and i begin to live with a perspective of eternity--that life is far more than what is seen. 

His left hand is under my head, 
and his right hand embraces me!
SOS 2:6

perfect leadership

i’m just called to lay that all down and recognize my complete lack, or else i’ll think that i can lead myself. i'm only called to follow, to know His voice, to not be presumptuous, and recognize my need for the Holy Spirit at any given moment. when I do things, I can only judge from what I see in my given circumstance. He sees beyond and directs me from the standpoint of eternity. my responsibility is not to be clever and try to do what I think is best, but to follow whatever He is saying and forsake the limited parameters of humanly wisdom. His ways are higher than mine.

-a.h.

You always know what is best for me.

poor in spirit

"blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven"

"blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth" 

-Jesus, matt 5:3, 5

Jesus was the perfect example of humility and meekness. He said Himself that He came to earth with a purpose: not to be served, but to serve, and to give his life as a ransom for many (matt 20:28).

as i wrestle with spiritual poverty i realize the extent of my self-centered, prideful nature that secretly likes to exalt myself and takes joy in self-promotion and self-preservation. He has been kind to expose my self-seeking/self-glorifying nature that keeps me from loving Him wholeheartedly. oh that He would increase and i would decrease! 

1) each breath of life is by His mercy (lam 3:23). i desire to take my eyes off myself and to be humbled by a God far greater than my self-centered life. to prostrate myself before the God who holds the world in His hands. He is the one who gives and takes away, the one who initiates and ends all seasons. (ecc 3:1)

2) every good thing is a gift from Him. i have no good thing apart from Him (ps 16:2). there is nothing good in this world apart from the goodness of Jesus and a life found in Him. all eternal pleasures are at His right hand (ps 16:11). every other pleasure is but temporary.

3) i am nothing without Him. without Him i have nothing. without Him, i am but a man of sinful nature (jer 17:9), deserving nothing but eternal death. (rom 6:23). but since Love came down, it has never been about what i deserve. oh, the ocean of grace.

4) i couldn't even love Him or know Him had He not opened my eyes first (1 john 4:19). to realize that i was doomed for hell but He pulled me out and seated me on His throne (eph 2:6). and to think that He did all this while i still hated Him because of my sin (rom 5:8)? never again shall i think that my self-righteous sacrifice or burnt offerings (ps 51: 16) can do me any good. for all He desires is a broken and contrite heart.

5) i own nothing. nothing belongs to me. nothing is entitled to me. i want to live with the reverence and awe that comes with knowing that my life is not my own. all my skills, talents, relationships, money, resources, come from Him. never for a moment should i think that any good thing came from myself. and never should i boast about any gift that came from Him, nor should any of it be used for my own gain, self-promotion, selfish desires, but everything for His glory. never should i for a moment relish or take pride or take credit for any good thing about myself.

6) finally, without Him i can do nothing. (john 15:5) oh, how i need Him.

oh the joys of a life crucified with Christ! oh the freedom found in death to self and complete abandonment to Jesus! oh the joys of sweet surrender, of breaking free from a self-centered life and a life wholly surrendered to Jesus!

glory of an intercessor

between the sovereignty of God and the destiny of man, one finds the intercessor. there, in the great chasm between God's blazing righteousness and man's fallenness, an intercessor is found waiting. there, love waits and wrestles for God to be heard and man to be pitied. the courageous are found there, fighting for God to be adored and man to be accepted. in this holy place, one enters into the suffering heart of the Mediator, Jesus, who vindicates His Father's glorious name and atones for the rebellion. this is a holy place, a divine meeting where doors open to deep caverns of divine paradox, where God's emotions and economy lead to groans and pleas for triumph and redemption. blessed is the man who waits here.
-excellencies of christ

Jesus, come and make wrong things right. this world needs You.
i need You.

strong love

it's never about how hard i try.
Your love is strong.
i will hold on.

i look into Your eyes of mercy
i remember that Your heart is for me
i'm holding on to Your divine love
i'm holding on and i'm not letting go
it's not my zeal it's that Your love is strong
it's not my strength it's that You're faithful

what You love to do

Within the human heart is a latent accusation against God—the belief that He is mostly unwilling to care about our lives, or at least is delayed in His sensitivity. This subtle accusation greatly impacts our prayer life and results in anemic prayers. We put more faith in the potency of our culture than the potency of God’s fiery passion to come and make wrong things right in our lives. We fail to lay hold of the one thing which is fighting on our behalf—God’s great compassion toward us. If we do not understand His zeal for us, we may offer up words, but faith-filled prayer is absent. All we can say are weak words that express our desperate wish for God to listen, instead of prayers that apprehend God’s zealous heart and call for Him to come do what He loves to do.
-excellencies of christ

You don't just stand at a distance with arms folded, watching me go through the motions of life. rather, you are actively involved, as the Jealous Fighter on my behalf; everything You do screams i love you. everything you do says You care.

there is nothing You love to do more than to win over a human heart
come win mine all over again.