the most powerful man in the universe is in love with me, and He is fighting for me, He is always for me, and He will not take me into a place that is harmful.
HE IS FOR ME, NOT AGAINST ME.
i will trust in His perfect leadership.
if He wants it for me, then i want it.
so eric, stop struggling and behold Me.
10.27.2009
10.17.2009
He's faithful to the end
His love has been ruining my life. my mind, emotions, and feelings have been wrecked. He's wrecking it beyond the point of no return. i have been completely undone by Him. my life these past few weeks have been ruined. wasted beyond repair. and all i have been able to do is to run to him in cry out in hopes that He will see me and hear me. and He has.
He's brought me deeper and deeper into a holy desperation, a yearning, a groaning, a heartsickness, a lovesickness that i have never experienced before.it is a pain in my heart that screams to be with Him in the secret place. and to think that i assumed i knew what love is?
He has withheld the fullness of His glory, His manifest presence from me to create in me a cry, of tears. He has given me a lovesickness that burns and consumes me because i have tasted and seen the fullness of His beauty in the past, but it has been hard to do so now.
a season of joy. He has taken away my happiness that i find so easily in this world and He has caused me to come and approach Him to seek something far greater, an everlasting joy found complete in fullness only in His presence (ps. 16:11).
He has forced me into desperation. He has been kind to empty me. i wake up with an emptiness, a depression, a hopelessness, that has not been there before. so He has forced me on my knees to cry. and when i cry i know Daddy will always come. He will come to fill this emptiness, an emptiness that has been preoccupied by the worthless things of this world.
He has allowed my heart to feel heavy, he has allowed me to become weak so that He can be strong. so that He can show me what it feels to exchange my ashes for His beauty. so that i can experience His garment of praise for my heaviness.
a season of becoming the Bride. He is weeding out my garden. He is painfully removing every weed, every false desire that i put my hope in. He has been bringing me to a place where emotions, circumstances, approval from man, my pride mean nothing. He is weeding me from anything and everything that gives me false security, false pleasure, false identity, false desires, and all my false hope. and once my garden is fully weeded he can come and find a resting place and take delight in me.
He has burned me. and it hurts. His jealous love, His all-consuming fire is consuming my heart and burning away all my agendas, all my hopes and dreams, and every other lover until it is just me and Him alone in the garden.
He has been preparing my heart, purifying my heart to be one that is pure, spotless, and clean enough to be His bride. so that He can come and marry me.
a season of drawing me closer. He has caused me to come and approach Him in the secret place. 30 minutes are not enough. 1 hour is not enough. i get giddy at the thought of being with Him in the secret place. and not even have it be emotional or a feeling of His presence. but just to be with Him and His manifest presence...in class i get excited and super happy at the thought of the moment when i can be alone with Him. and that is what i look forward to! just to be with Him! to spend eternity here. and nothing else seems relevant anymore.
He has been fixing my eyes. cause my eyes suck. He's fixing them until they become dove's eyes, with undistracted devotion for Him alone. eyes that aren't fixed on myself, my emotions, my burdens. but eyes fixed on His beauty alone.
He has revealed to me how broken i am. and despite how willing my spirit may be, how weak is my flesh! and how weak my love is! and how far my heart is from steadfast love. but He has shown me His enjoyment, delight, and favor over me even in my broken love as i set my heart to genuinely, sincerely love Him, even in all my shortcomings. and i can still run to Him in full confidence despite my brokenness.
He has graciously tugged harder and He has been kind to overcome my fighting, my wrestling with Him. He has been kind to ignore each time that i brush His hand aside when He is trying to help me as He reminds me that everything He does shouts "HE LOVES ME". everything He does shows "HE DOES CARE". because He is a kind Daddy. He is a gracious Abba.
He is kindly increasing my capacity to love and to experience His love.
my hands are shaking as i write this and flip through my journal, i am being enthralled and exhilarated by His love once again.
Jesus, be my only satisfaction. Jesus, be my only passion.
He's brought me deeper and deeper into a holy desperation, a yearning, a groaning, a heartsickness, a lovesickness that i have never experienced before.it is a pain in my heart that screams to be with Him in the secret place. and to think that i assumed i knew what love is?
He has withheld the fullness of His glory, His manifest presence from me to create in me a cry, of tears. He has given me a lovesickness that burns and consumes me because i have tasted and seen the fullness of His beauty in the past, but it has been hard to do so now.
a season of joy. He has taken away my happiness that i find so easily in this world and He has caused me to come and approach Him to seek something far greater, an everlasting joy found complete in fullness only in His presence (ps. 16:11).
He has forced me into desperation. He has been kind to empty me. i wake up with an emptiness, a depression, a hopelessness, that has not been there before. so He has forced me on my knees to cry. and when i cry i know Daddy will always come. He will come to fill this emptiness, an emptiness that has been preoccupied by the worthless things of this world.
He has allowed my heart to feel heavy, he has allowed me to become weak so that He can be strong. so that He can show me what it feels to exchange my ashes for His beauty. so that i can experience His garment of praise for my heaviness.
a season of becoming the Bride. He is weeding out my garden. He is painfully removing every weed, every false desire that i put my hope in. He has been bringing me to a place where emotions, circumstances, approval from man, my pride mean nothing. He is weeding me from anything and everything that gives me false security, false pleasure, false identity, false desires, and all my false hope. and once my garden is fully weeded he can come and find a resting place and take delight in me.
He has burned me. and it hurts. His jealous love, His all-consuming fire is consuming my heart and burning away all my agendas, all my hopes and dreams, and every other lover until it is just me and Him alone in the garden.
He has been preparing my heart, purifying my heart to be one that is pure, spotless, and clean enough to be His bride. so that He can come and marry me.
a season of drawing me closer. He has caused me to come and approach Him in the secret place. 30 minutes are not enough. 1 hour is not enough. i get giddy at the thought of being with Him in the secret place. and not even have it be emotional or a feeling of His presence. but just to be with Him and His manifest presence...in class i get excited and super happy at the thought of the moment when i can be alone with Him. and that is what i look forward to! just to be with Him! to spend eternity here. and nothing else seems relevant anymore.
He has been fixing my eyes. cause my eyes suck. He's fixing them until they become dove's eyes, with undistracted devotion for Him alone. eyes that aren't fixed on myself, my emotions, my burdens. but eyes fixed on His beauty alone.
He has revealed to me how broken i am. and despite how willing my spirit may be, how weak is my flesh! and how weak my love is! and how far my heart is from steadfast love. but He has shown me His enjoyment, delight, and favor over me even in my broken love as i set my heart to genuinely, sincerely love Him, even in all my shortcomings. and i can still run to Him in full confidence despite my brokenness.
He has graciously tugged harder and He has been kind to overcome my fighting, my wrestling with Him. He has been kind to ignore each time that i brush His hand aside when He is trying to help me as He reminds me that everything He does shouts "HE LOVES ME". everything He does shows "HE DOES CARE". because He is a kind Daddy. He is a gracious Abba.
He is kindly increasing my capacity to love and to experience His love.
my hands are shaking as i write this and flip through my journal, i am being enthralled and exhilarated by His love once again.
Jesus, be my only satisfaction. Jesus, be my only passion.
another video
so i'm supposed to be studying, yet i fail.
i stumbled across this story about a muslim girl named Rifqa Bary who became Christian and her parents were gonna kill her for being Christian so she ran away from home to a pastor's house and now there's this huge controversy.
anyways this is her testimony (check out 6:12):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne0MdUyJ1GU
oh yea and she's like 16. i'm pretty sure most 16 year old Christians do not know Jesus the way she does.
this is what happens when we are persecuted for our faith. it creates desperation. and passion. Jesus becomes more than a religion. He becomes your life. He becomes your everything. nothing else matters anymore, not even your life.
Jesus come be my everything.
If you don't have a passion worthy dying for, you have nothing worth living for
-jaeson ma
i stumbled across this story about a muslim girl named Rifqa Bary who became Christian and her parents were gonna kill her for being Christian so she ran away from home to a pastor's house and now there's this huge controversy.
anyways this is her testimony (check out 6:12):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne0MdUyJ1GU
oh yea and she's like 16. i'm pretty sure most 16 year old Christians do not know Jesus the way she does.
this is what happens when we are persecuted for our faith. it creates desperation. and passion. Jesus becomes more than a religion. He becomes your life. He becomes your everything. nothing else matters anymore, not even your life.
Jesus come be my everything.
If you don't have a passion worthy dying for, you have nothing worth living for
-jaeson ma
10.13.2009
10.05.2009
emotions
i have putting off this post for quite some time now. (andy would know heh)
emotions are a gift from God. some feel more than others. the F in my ENFJ means i experience God naturally through feeling Him. it has been a season of a love/hate relationship of acknowledging just how much of a feeler He created me to be, one i see as a gift when i feel good and one that i question when i feel bummed. like when i feel bummed (due to circumstance or situation) i have a greater difficulty feeling Him and therefore a greater difficulty to love Him and i question why He even gave me emotions. why couldn't i just know the truth, be happy, move on, and just always love Him 100%? but that would mean i would be a robot and God did not create me to be a robot. nope. i don't think so.
as a feeler, i always have trouble with trying to rationalize Jesus or experiencing Him through theory. or head knowledge. and it's always been hard to experience a heart reality when i cannot feel Him. during this season of an emotional tug-of-war i embrace this truth more than ever before: beauty is when head knowledge flows down from the head to become a heart reality.
we can know God is good, He loves us with an everlasting love. with our head, we know this. we sing about it, we read books on it. we spend hours in church learning about it. as christians we spend our entire lives getting drilled with this truth. we even share with others about how good He is.
yet until we experience His love first hand through a love encounter, that head knowledge remains head knowledge. until the Holy Spirit gives us a revelation of His goodness, love, and mercy and makes it an experiential reality to us, we are stuck in what i call religion. a bunch of rules, theories, and ideas. dead. we live a life of faith but no heart. religion but no relationship. so come Holy Spirit. Spirit of revelation come.
yet my extreme emotions feeler action is a gift. He's telling me not to purge it from me. and i'm definitely not going to stop trying to feel Him. No. i will continue to strive first to seek out His emotions for me. His thoughts, His affections, His passions, desires, for me. and when i cannot feel Him i am weak and i cry out in holy desperation. i cry out what i know to be true yet not feeling any of it. and He comes and sweeps me off my feet.
as lovers of Jesus, we are created to feel Him. yet emotions come and go. Jesus is taking me into a season of truth beyond emotions. joy beyond happiness. a season where i stop fighting what He is trying to do with me because i had asked Him to change me in the first place. and to learn to be like that child that slides down the slide and to accept what Daddy is trying to teach me. and stop whining. to stop tugging and let Him win that tug-of-war going on in my heart. cause Abba loves me. Daddy knows what is best for me.
He is taking me into a season of joy. of calling me closer. of becoming His bride.
i am my beloved's and He is mine
so come into your garden and take delight in me
come sweet Jesus. my heart is your garden
come and find your resting place in me
emotions are a gift from God. some feel more than others. the F in my ENFJ means i experience God naturally through feeling Him. it has been a season of a love/hate relationship of acknowledging just how much of a feeler He created me to be, one i see as a gift when i feel good and one that i question when i feel bummed. like when i feel bummed (due to circumstance or situation) i have a greater difficulty feeling Him and therefore a greater difficulty to love Him and i question why He even gave me emotions. why couldn't i just know the truth, be happy, move on, and just always love Him 100%? but that would mean i would be a robot and God did not create me to be a robot. nope. i don't think so.
as a feeler, i always have trouble with trying to rationalize Jesus or experiencing Him through theory. or head knowledge. and it's always been hard to experience a heart reality when i cannot feel Him. during this season of an emotional tug-of-war i embrace this truth more than ever before: beauty is when head knowledge flows down from the head to become a heart reality.
we can know God is good, He loves us with an everlasting love. with our head, we know this. we sing about it, we read books on it. we spend hours in church learning about it. as christians we spend our entire lives getting drilled with this truth. we even share with others about how good He is.
yet until we experience His love first hand through a love encounter, that head knowledge remains head knowledge. until the Holy Spirit gives us a revelation of His goodness, love, and mercy and makes it an experiential reality to us, we are stuck in what i call religion. a bunch of rules, theories, and ideas. dead. we live a life of faith but no heart. religion but no relationship. so come Holy Spirit. Spirit of revelation come.
yet my extreme emotions feeler action is a gift. He's telling me not to purge it from me. and i'm definitely not going to stop trying to feel Him. No. i will continue to strive first to seek out His emotions for me. His thoughts, His affections, His passions, desires, for me. and when i cannot feel Him i am weak and i cry out in holy desperation. i cry out what i know to be true yet not feeling any of it. and He comes and sweeps me off my feet.
as lovers of Jesus, we are created to feel Him. yet emotions come and go. Jesus is taking me into a season of truth beyond emotions. joy beyond happiness. a season where i stop fighting what He is trying to do with me because i had asked Him to change me in the first place. and to learn to be like that child that slides down the slide and to accept what Daddy is trying to teach me. and stop whining. to stop tugging and let Him win that tug-of-war going on in my heart. cause Abba loves me. Daddy knows what is best for me.
He is taking me into a season of joy. of calling me closer. of becoming His bride.
i am my beloved's and He is mine
so come into your garden and take delight in me
come sweet Jesus. my heart is your garden
come and find your resting place in me
10.04.2009
confession
i'm in love.
His name is Jesus. He has written my name on the palm of His hands.
and i have engraved His name on my heart.
i'm captivated by Him. His beauty stuns me. i stop for a moment and gaze into his eyes like blazing fire and passion for me and my heart skips a beat.
He stands before me in white robes and a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair are white as snow. His face is brighter than the sun shining in all its brilliance.
His love is jealous for me, His bride. and He takes delight in me. much, much more than i realize.
He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me
LORD, i only dare to ask: how much of your infinite glory, splendor, and love can i even begin to comprehend? how much will i even come close to experiencing?
i want it all, God. the fullness of you. come and have all of me.
john 17:3
~~~
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever.
His name is Jesus. He has written my name on the palm of His hands.
and i have engraved His name on my heart.
i'm captivated by Him. His beauty stuns me. i stop for a moment and gaze into his eyes like blazing fire and passion for me and my heart skips a beat.
He stands before me in white robes and a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair are white as snow. His face is brighter than the sun shining in all its brilliance.
His love is jealous for me, His bride. and He takes delight in me. much, much more than i realize.
He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me
LORD, i only dare to ask: how much of your infinite glory, splendor, and love can i even begin to comprehend? how much will i even come close to experiencing?
i want it all, God. the fullness of you. come and have all of me.
john 17:3
~~~
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever.
10.01.2009
and He said to me
eric, my son, take a moment, stop, and gaze upon the beauty of the face that is love. eric, stop. and dare, for a moment, to look straight into my eyes of love. my son, can't you see that I am beautiful? can't you see that I am so much more lovely than anything in this world? beloved son, my eyes are on you. my eyes are on you.
would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
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