holy discontent

i have reached a point with Him where if i miss a day or two of waiting, my soul literally aches. it's an anxious, unsettled feeling in my heart, one that eats away at every other task i attempt to accomplish throughout my day. a reverberating voice in my head screams "oh, how i miss You!" classes, relationships, and schoolwork seem meaningless as everything seems to fall apart, and i feel like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath of fresh air. my soul gasps for a moment where i can sit, be still, and gaze upon the Holy One. here, i can finally breathe. here, the panting deer can finally take a drink from the stream. how refreshing!

i've realized that my spirit has reached a point where it must encounter the Holy Spirit on a continual basis (cultivating the oil of intimacy), or else my spirit begins to decay. as i lose the sweet fragrance of Holy Spirit, i begin to smell the stagnant odor of a dull spirit creep up on me. the dry spirit is a thirsty one.

Jesus' love for me is the most profound concept i will ever come to know. the moment i say "Jesus loves me" and it fails to move my heart, i confess of a dull spirit, of a lukewarm heart, and i ask Him to tenderize my heart.

in a world where so many things scream for my attention, i need to learn how to say no to the things that bring me farther away from Him and yes to the things that bring me closer to Him. yet as one who is prone to self-sacrifice for the gain of others, how do i prioritize the self-gain of my own heart compared to my call to love others? where is the line drawn between a selfish heart (one in it for my own gain only) and a foolish heart (stretching myself so thin at the cost of losing my oil)? help me LORD.

note to self: apply to relationships

Lord, make me an instrument of your peace.
Where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
and where there is sadness, joy.

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

-St. Francis of Assisi

Your nearness is all that i'm waiting for

dear nearness,

what are You?

i encounter You as an emotion. fleeting, yet precious.

a sweetness of Your heart gracing upon mines,

a tap on the shoulder to stop, look upwards, behold,

and sigh.

the all-too-familiar connection of our hearts during worship,

something words will never be able to describe,

a moment where Your presence becomes tangible

where You become real and not it's not just my imagination,

where all regret and doubt disappear,

everything changes

when i know that You are here.

nearness.

surely You are more than an emotion, a feeling?

what more then, are You to me than an emotion or head knowledge?

it's the knowledge of You that causes me to fall more in love with You.

nearness.

if i can't feel You, how would i know that You are near?

it's always been hard to know You with my mind. i've always needed to feel You, to encounter You with my heart to know that You're near.

it wasn't until You traveled from my mind to my heart when i knew that You're with me. right here, right now.

nearness.

i know that You've never left me.

i know that You're here with me now.

yet, when i don't feel You, i assume that You aren't near.

and i know it's silly of me to feel that way,

and i know that i don't need to feel You to know that You're near,

but if You are Spirit, if You are a person, then surely i must feel You?

nearness, what are You beyond emotion? i must know!

nearness, whatever You are, You seem to be quite fleeting these days.

busy-ness? the hectic-ness of this season? the loud-ness of life? the difficulty to be still in the secret place? oh, what a struggle!

my mind tells me that You must be just as near as You always have been.

my heart can feel otherwise.

regardless,

i refuse to rest until i have Your nearness. whatever that means.

i refuse to go a day, a moment without encountering You.

i give myself no rest.

my emotions, my heart must be moved.

i refuse to settle for an encounter without feeling You.

a glance of Your face.

i was created for nearness

i live for nearness.

tenderize my heart, God. to feel the pleasures, the affections,

that kiss of Your heart upon mine.

i want Your nearness more than anything,

more than everything.

more self-discoveries

i like to have control.

i like to believe the lie that control brings security.

security because control gives me the power to make things happen the way i want it, when i want it.

security because control means no longer worrying about things turning out in a way that i didn't want it to.

security because control means i only need to depend on one person: myself. and i like to trust and depend on my own abilities, judgements, and performance more than anything or anyone else on the face of this planet. i like to call it a self-sufficient spirit (you must die), a spirit that says "i don't need you, God. i got this all under control."

this is the part of the story where i fall flat on my face. splat!

the surrendering of my soul will be a lifelong journey. and i'm realizing that my longing for wholehearted surrender and abandonment in my worship is actually rooted in a longing for security. yes, security isn't found in other people. neither is security found in myself.

i can't put trust in myself. i can't put hope in myself. what i mean is when i depend on myself, i turn everything into a performance-driven game, where i must perform well to meet my own expectations. in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. and when i don't perform well, i begin to hate myself, hate my humanity, my human-ness, and my weakness. over and over again i collide with a spirit of performance, where i'm never good enough, where my weakness is ugly to Him and the lies tell me that He is disgusted at my weak love. oh, what horrible lies!

and He's been kind to allow me to fall flat on my face over and over again until i realize that maybe i don't have it all together. that i might actually need Him more. more than yesterday.

it's gonna take a while for this one to travel from the mind to the heart.

help me Holy Spirit, to trust. your friendship is so sweet.

~~~

it's funny how the more i ask Him to teach me about surrender, the more i find myself in places where the grip on my life and the complications and details and excessive thinking gets tighter and tighter until it consumes me. my heart becomes chained down and my spirit becomes overwhelmed, gasping for a breath of fresh air, desperate for a taste of freedom.

once again, i come face to face with an upside down kingdom:

where losing my life is the only way to gain it.

where surrender is the means to security.

where trust is to let go of everything, run towards, grab hold of the man Christ Jesus, and never let go.

where security means not having it all together and to surrender. to stop doing, stop striving, stop wrestling, and to sit and receive, to wait upon the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

oh, how good it is to trust in the LORD!

such freedom there is in surrender!

when He comes, all i can do is stand in silence, to look up, and to gaze.

in this place, i will never be put to shame.

blank

my flesh and my heart may fail,

but You will be the strength of my heart,

my portion forever.

when my heart fails,

and my own voice gets too loud,

once again,

Your kindness causes me to approach You

and Your rainbow of mercy draws me near.

Your beauty leaves me in silence.

You never stop, never stop loving me

The United States of America: in God we (still) trust

this thursday, may 6, happens to be the national day of prayer, an annual day of prayer originally designated by the U.S. Congress. even though there's a bunch of controversy over it right now (it's being challenged in court right now) president obama still issued a statement to support it. with all these prayer movements going on, this one stood out to out because it is organized by our GOVERNMENT, and not a church. it is a reminder that despite the spiritual state of our country today, the compromise of freedom of religion, and a universal concept of "God", America is a country founded by people who loved, followed, worshipped, and feared the God of our Lord Jesus Christ, in a way that our government today has long departed from.

nevertheless, this day of prayer is a reminder that behind the slippery slope of darkness i call materialism, idol worship, drunkenness, sexual perversion, pursuit of the "American Dream", and storing temporary treasures on earth, we are nothing without our greatest treasure, Jesus. it's a reminder that when it's all said and done, when the economy crashes, when we find ourselves in war and earthquakes and natural disasters, we have no where to turn but a "God", (whom many have yet to realize ultimately is the man, Christ Jesus). it's a reminder that in a country full of shiny things, living for the moment (forget about eternity), indulging in earthly pleasures, partying hard, and spending our lives building a name for ourselves, our ultimate security and significance is found in Jesus alone.

i never really liked this prayer a whole lot, but it just feels appropriate and it makes my point so here it goes:

Jesus, i plead your Blood over my sins and the sins of my nation. God, end abortion and send revival to America.

i don't intercede for America that much, let alone a steady intercessory heart for UCSD. but i do desire for Him to touch our nation in radical ways.

God, i know you love America, more than i do.

let hope rise.

would You come.

we need You, God. we need You.