a good day

there are some mornings where i wake up and a very nasty feeling comes welling up inside. it doesn't help that it's 5 or 6 in the morning and the sun doesn't come up for a couple of hours. it's a flood of emotions-mostly hopelessness to be honest, as i can't but help but stop and wonder when will this all end? this never-ending cycle of work, study, and more work? what am i working towards? i'm not a machine designed to do nothing but study my brains out. but for med school, that's all that anyone cares about. that's all that determines your ability to succeed--how well you perform on that next test. apart from that, you're worth nothing. you're worth nothing to your professors and you're worth nothing to the person next to you. they're too busy trying to get ahead of you anyways.
i need you Holy Spirit. i'm not a study-machine. i was made to love. to love You and to love others. why has today's society deviated so far from these two simple truths?

i heard that med school was like martyrdom haha. true, but then again, our entire life should be an act of martyrdom. to die to yourself to live for Christ. to set aside all my comforts and my desires for the sake of living for Someone greater than myself. to set aside my self-serving ambitions and dreams to partner with the One who's dream for you is the only one that matters.

i need you Holy Spirit. more than yesterday. i need You to get through today, and i'll need you even more tomorrow. this is my worship. to set aside all things and look upon the One who has set out the path before me. You're with me, so it's going to be a good day.

Your love is strong

Set me as a seal upon your heart, as a seal upon your arm, for love is strong as death, jealousy is fierce as the grave. Its flashes are flashes of fire, the very flame of the LORD. SOS 8:6


create in me a pure heart, God. renew a steadfast spirit within me. cause me to burn for You. You deserve so much more than this. i still am the one made for one thing, to love You. 
God, it's been hard. school has made it hard. it's been harder to see You, harder to hear You, but i know You're here. You know if i had things my way i'd just make it all disappear right now and it'd be just me and You.
but that would make it too easy. You have bigger plans for me. You want me to walk with You, to talk with You. You want me to be light. but i'm scared, God. the world is a dark place. 


let's survive this together. Your eyes are irresistible, Your mercy unending. Your love is strong. i'm holding on.