how He knows me

yesterday I received prophetic ministry at my church, convergence house of prayer. it was easily the most powerful prophetic moment i've had in my life, but surprisingly simple. they called out things like my hard-working, disciplined nature, to trust, rest, and let God do the work, my intercessory gifting, and that my hands--specifically the marketplace function of them in the operating room as a surgeon brings glory to God. they reminded me that i'm unique--as i continue with this struggle of cultivating a heart after God in this crazy world of surgical residency, and watching the two worlds collide in a way that i've never seen anyone model.

at that point, it finally hit me--He knows me. He knows me better than I know myself, and it's amazing just how well He reads my mind and knows my thoughts and sees everything that i think about on a daily basis. oftentimes we can forget that our thoughtlife is just between us and ourselves but little do we know that He has been a part of every internal dialogue we've had! and trust me, I have my good share of internal dialogue on a daily basis!

it's amazing how well He knows me and sees me, and not just in the spiritual sense where He only sees the spiritual highlights of my life where I proudly present myself before him, sanctified, holy, and hungry. He doesn't just see the designated times of prayer and worship, as important as those times are. No, He sees the entire journey and every struggle, every thought of even trying to reach out to Him, and all He notices every internal struggle that ends up in falling short of what I would call a good enough effort to reach for Him. He notices it, He remembers it, and most importantly He understands it, and He loves it, because He created and loves it (me)! does not the creator know His creation? nothing surprises Him, none of my actions before His eyes were unexpected.

at this point, i'm left in a dilemma. for one, i can cut myself some slack and not be so hard on myself because He understands me so well. but on the other hand, i realize that i can actually invite Him into this struggle of faith and this internal thoughtlife that i have on a daily basis. no longer do i have to live independent from Him until i am ready to present myself to Him in my sanctified, holy condition, but He wants to be a part of me just as I am, because that's how He created me, and He wants me so badly.

so i guess the real lesson for me is this, to rest, and to let Him know me. or actually, since He obviously already knows me, to ask Him about what He thinks about me, and talk about how my life with Him, that we would do this together. i don't have to avoid Him or put Him on hold until i feel like i'm in a condition that's good enough and ready to be pleasing to Him, because He already knows the depths of who i am, better than all that i know about myself.