so that's it. He just wants me to be with Him.
it's that simple. to wake up and be able to say "good morning Holy Spirit", to fellowship with Him. to hold His hand daily and enjoy His presence. to live a life full of joy and freedom. to let go, relax, and receive. to enjoy the journey with Him.
and oh, how i love His presence! and how i must be filled by Him!
yet i still forget! i always manage to complicate it. it isn't about finding an answer, or a sudden revelation about His love. nor is it about getting an encounter from Him to satisfy my selfish emotional needs. and i still catch myself trying to rationalize His love, to figure Him out, all His ways and how He works, His thoughts so i can be happy and move on with life. and the moment i think i have Him figured out, He has been kind to stumble me and i realize how foolish and prideful i have been.
and He reveals my weakness. first it's my weakness, compromise and hindrances in loving Him (LORD, remove all things that hinder love!)
more importantly i realize how much i really need Him. and He has finally caused me to lean on Him. of course. as i get to know Him better, He shows me my weakness and just how much i need Him. and how i can't live another moment not knowing His nearness. and how i must be filled. i just have to. i'd rather die than not have His nearness.
and it comes down to simple, childlike love. that i must be always living in a state where i am encountering His love. that in order for me to love Him i must continue to encounter the reality of His delight and favor, love, and affections. and i still need to hear Him call me beloved. lovely. favorite one. to know that I am loved.
oh, how i miss Him! and how much my heart has been aching! how i thirst! how i hunger! and what a blessed place to be! i just can't get enough of Him. it's a sickness, a lovesickness that can't be cured until that day i see Him face to face. because i know there is so much more to Him. it's an obsession, to be possessed by his Holy Spirit (thank you wes).
and He always brings me to the cross. that place where i look straight into the depths of His eyes as He hangs on that tree. and for a moment, deep gazes into deep. and i am overwhelmed by beauty. and the passion of the man Jesus Christ. for me.
misty's new album wrecked me.
then i saw Him there,
hanging on a tree,
looking at me.
He was looking at me, looking at Him, staring through me
i could not escape those beautiful eyes
i began to weep and weep
He had arms wide open, a heat exposed
arms wide open, He was bleeding, bleeding
love's definition was looking at me, looking at Him, hanging on a tree
i began to weep and weep and weep
as i sat there weeping, crying
those beautiful eyes, full of desire and love
this is how i know what love is
~~~
this is the life i choose to live.
to waste my life to know Love.
He is my Magnificent Obsession.
12.18.2009
12.10.2009
fling wide you heavenly gates
prepare the way of the risen LORD.
2010 is upon us. it is gonna be a good year. =)
He is doing so much. we live in some of the most exciting times in HIStory. the LORD is doing big things in hearts at UCSD and across the world. i want to be aware of what He wants to do so i can partner with Him.
right now, He is pouring out His Spirit. He said He would do it this year at UCSD as well. at the beginning of the year He gave us joel 2 and ezekiel 37. i'm gonna continue to pray into what He has given us.
there has been a shift in the hearts of His people. and it's affecting me and those around me at UCSD. even before His kindness demonstrated through the IHOP awakening and the webstream, more and more have been falling in love with the man Jesus. it's happening because we are getting to know His friend, the Holy Spirit, who has been speaking in an indescribable voice straight into our hearts, touching us in a way that is so profound, yet something so beautiful. and it leaves us hungering for more.
as we encounter His Spirit, we encounter His heart. it is something beyond manifestations nor is it something reserved for "charismatics". as His people cry out for more, He has been kind to give love encounters. we are beginning to understand the Father's heart. and Abba Father's love for us as His beloved children. we are beginning to understand how He loves us so. beyond head knowledge and straight to heart. and we are beginning to feel his love and affections. He wants every person in the world to know Him in this intimate way, so He has been kind to pour out His Spirit because His people have been hungering for more.
the spirit of religion is being broken. and He continues to prune away the religious spirit in me. what if the goal of our relationship with Jesus was more than about being a "good christian" and doing the right things for Him, but was actually a relationship where we enjoyed being His friend? what if our relationship with Jesus was less performance driven, less about doing the "right thing" to please Him, but what if success was to know with all our heart that "He loves me and i love Him?"
what if our "christian obligations" weren't obligations but we actually enjoyed spending time with Him? and instead of burdening ourselves with sacrifices of programs and church "obligations", all we had to offer was worship that comes from the heart (psalm 51:16), one of spirit and of truth?
from encountering His heart, He is pouring out a spirit of intercession. prayer is becoming enjoyable. we are beginning to enjoy talking to Him beyond an obligation of "laundry list" prayer. and as we get to know the Father's heart we begin to pray the things that are on the Father's heart.
~~~
the Holy Spirit is searching. He is searching for hearts that will say YES to Him and are willing to partner with His desires for this world. but before that, He simply longs for a resting place (isaiah 66). individually, it is a heart for Him to dwell in. as His church, it is a house of prayer. so let's be a church that prays!
Jesus said His house will be a house of prayer (matt 21:13). it's happening right now. across the world. houses of prayer are being established left and right. but why? not because it sounds cool or because it is the new "radical" thing to do. not because IHOP is doing it. but i think it's because a hunger is being stirred up in hearts that yearn just to be with Him and to partner with Him. His church is beginning to understand what david understood, to build a tabernacle of 24/7 worship because he enjoyed spending time with the LORD.
so what if a house of prayer was not only about intercession, but first and foremost, a house of intimacy, a resting place for the LORD? a place where He can dwell and a place where we as His beloved can fellowship with Him and enjoy His presence? a place where we can simply enjoy being with Him? a place where His people can turn their hearts towards His face to gaze upon His beauty? what if we prayed more not just to pray about things and to ask Him change circumstances around us but to first and foremost, enjoy being with Him? and enjoy talking to Him?
i'm convinced that after intimacy, intercession will come. once we know His heart, we begin to cry out for the things on His heart.
~~~
He brought this up yet again. it is about intercession.
something He has been making more clear to me and those around me is to pray with authority and boldness, or as beni puts it, pray offensively. i still don't know how to pray. but i am always learning more. i've learned:
1) God's will is for kingdom come. on earth as in heaven. our guideline in what to pray is to make earth become like heaven.
2) the LORD's perfect will is not always done. there is sin. and brokenness. and illness. and pain. He does not delight in evil (psalm 5:4). therefore, it is our role as intercessors to pray against the power of darkness and for His kingdom come. because of the cross, we have victory to overcome darkness.
watch bill from 5:16 to the end
HE'S THE ONLY SOLUTION.
HE'S THE ONLY RESOLUTION.
2010 is upon us. it is gonna be a good year. =)
He is doing so much. we live in some of the most exciting times in HIStory. the LORD is doing big things in hearts at UCSD and across the world. i want to be aware of what He wants to do so i can partner with Him.
right now, He is pouring out His Spirit. He said He would do it this year at UCSD as well. at the beginning of the year He gave us joel 2 and ezekiel 37. i'm gonna continue to pray into what He has given us.
there has been a shift in the hearts of His people. and it's affecting me and those around me at UCSD. even before His kindness demonstrated through the IHOP awakening and the webstream, more and more have been falling in love with the man Jesus. it's happening because we are getting to know His friend, the Holy Spirit, who has been speaking in an indescribable voice straight into our hearts, touching us in a way that is so profound, yet something so beautiful. and it leaves us hungering for more.
as we encounter His Spirit, we encounter His heart. it is something beyond manifestations nor is it something reserved for "charismatics". as His people cry out for more, He has been kind to give love encounters. we are beginning to understand the Father's heart. and Abba Father's love for us as His beloved children. we are beginning to understand how He loves us so. beyond head knowledge and straight to heart. and we are beginning to feel his love and affections. He wants every person in the world to know Him in this intimate way, so He has been kind to pour out His Spirit because His people have been hungering for more.
the spirit of religion is being broken. and He continues to prune away the religious spirit in me. what if the goal of our relationship with Jesus was more than about being a "good christian" and doing the right things for Him, but was actually a relationship where we enjoyed being His friend? what if our relationship with Jesus was less performance driven, less about doing the "right thing" to please Him, but what if success was to know with all our heart that "He loves me and i love Him?"
what if our "christian obligations" weren't obligations but we actually enjoyed spending time with Him? and instead of burdening ourselves with sacrifices of programs and church "obligations", all we had to offer was worship that comes from the heart (psalm 51:16), one of spirit and of truth?
from encountering His heart, He is pouring out a spirit of intercession. prayer is becoming enjoyable. we are beginning to enjoy talking to Him beyond an obligation of "laundry list" prayer. and as we get to know the Father's heart we begin to pray the things that are on the Father's heart.
~~~
the Holy Spirit is searching. He is searching for hearts that will say YES to Him and are willing to partner with His desires for this world. but before that, He simply longs for a resting place (isaiah 66). individually, it is a heart for Him to dwell in. as His church, it is a house of prayer. so let's be a church that prays!
Jesus said His house will be a house of prayer (matt 21:13). it's happening right now. across the world. houses of prayer are being established left and right. but why? not because it sounds cool or because it is the new "radical" thing to do. not because IHOP is doing it. but i think it's because a hunger is being stirred up in hearts that yearn just to be with Him and to partner with Him. His church is beginning to understand what david understood, to build a tabernacle of 24/7 worship because he enjoyed spending time with the LORD.
so what if a house of prayer was not only about intercession, but first and foremost, a house of intimacy, a resting place for the LORD? a place where He can dwell and a place where we as His beloved can fellowship with Him and enjoy His presence? a place where we can simply enjoy being with Him? a place where His people can turn their hearts towards His face to gaze upon His beauty? what if we prayed more not just to pray about things and to ask Him change circumstances around us but to first and foremost, enjoy being with Him? and enjoy talking to Him?
i'm convinced that after intimacy, intercession will come. once we know His heart, we begin to cry out for the things on His heart.
~~~
He brought this up yet again. it is about intercession.
something He has been making more clear to me and those around me is to pray with authority and boldness, or as beni puts it, pray offensively. i still don't know how to pray. but i am always learning more. i've learned:
1) God's will is for kingdom come. on earth as in heaven. our guideline in what to pray is to make earth become like heaven.
2) the LORD's perfect will is not always done. there is sin. and brokenness. and illness. and pain. He does not delight in evil (psalm 5:4). therefore, it is our role as intercessors to pray against the power of darkness and for His kingdom come. because of the cross, we have victory to overcome darkness.
watch bill from 5:16 to the end
HE'S THE ONLY SOLUTION.
HE'S THE ONLY RESOLUTION.
12.06.2009
spirit of revelation
studying for finals...
not.
one of the most beautiful gifts the Holy Spirit gives me (He gives His children a lot of good gifts :) ) is the gift of revelation.
there are moments where i find myself drowning in doubt, insecurity, apathy, dullness, self-pity, confusion, selfish thoughts, the "woe-is-me" complaint, whining, and simply doubting His leadership and His ways in my life. like, "LORD, do you really make all things work together for my good?...even now?...look at the way i'm feeling!" it is a place where everything about Him, His love, affections, seem so...meaningless. it is a place where the truths of His character, and His Word are like blunt arrows that fail to pierce, let alone scratch the surface of a heart of stone, a body of dry bones.
but the moment He releases the Spirit of revelation upon me, it is like i have stepped into heaven. it's the Holy Spirit's way of breathing life into me, and everything begins to make sense. sometimes it leaves me in tears, or on my knees, mostly just speechless, but it always leaves me never the same.
too often i find myself struggling with knowing His goodness. simply put, it's hard for me to know that He is good when i don't feel like He is good. and i don't feel His joy, love, and affections. that's where the disconnect is.
yet, after revelation, i am left with nothing but praises. i am left with praises because He has been kind to give me a revelation of His truth. it's like a kiss of the Holy Spirit, whisper of His voice that changes everything. it now becomes easier to praise Him, because He has given me this revelation. i can't help but to give praise. it's an experience of His truth. from the head to heart. and i feel it. after revelation it's like, DUH. of course the LORD is good. i call it my DUH moment. a.k.a. getting owned by God. anyways.
He leaves me in a place where i'm like LORD, how could i have doubted? of course Your ways are good! of course Your leadership is perfect in my life! and He leaves me overwhelmed and in tears over how much He really loves me. and that He is really for me, not against me. and everything He does just screams "i love you" and everything He does says "i care". and i'm overwhelmed by just how good and kind He is to me, and the ways He works.
and because of this revelation, now i actually feel like praising Him, i feel like i have a reason to praise Him, and thanking Him for His goodness and the ways He works. praise now becomes so much more easy. oh happy day!
it kind of reminds me of the israelites...and their struggles in the wilderness...a pattern that goes something like:
1) woe is us! God, you have left us to die! whine whine.
2) God is like "okay, fine, let me show you that i'm still faithful" so He shows up and delivers them
3) israelites are happy. "yay God! we praise you!"
and after a few years...
4) return to step 1
hmm...
yet LORD, you desire me to praise you even when i am lacking in revelation. you desire me to trust even when i lack reason to. Jesus, you are worthy even when i don't feel like it, or when i don't even know why i should praise. Jesus, teach me to praise even without revelation! i want to praise even when the revelation of your goodness hasn't been made to me at the moment. Yet, based on my past experiences, past revelations, past knowledge of your goodness, and what you did on the cross, because you are Creator and LORD of LORDS...BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BREATH IN MY LUNGS, i still have the ability to praise. i still have the desire to thank you for your kindness, your goodness, your mercy, your grace.
and isn't that what faith is all about? to press in, to persevere? to hope, to trust in a Jesus that has yet to return in all His fullness? (hurry, LORD!) to believe in a salvation we can't see? to trust in a God that has yet to fully reveal His manifest presence to us, His shekinah glory? to believe in restoration, in healing, in HIS SOVEREIGNTY AND GOODNESS in a world where we only catch glimpses of them, and the fullness of His revelation is yet to be made known?
now isn't that the faith we are called to? and isn't that the gap (ezekiel 22:30) in which we stand in the place of intercession? to be that voice in the wilderness. and to proclaim with boldness, the message of Jesus, a message of hope for the world, one that has yet to be revealed in it's fullness. as lovers of Jesus isn't that what we live for? to grab hold of His goodness in world of brokenness? to love Him, to bow down to Him in worship and praise in a world that has yet to call Him worthy? a world that has yet to see and experience a revelation of the fullness of His splendor and majesty?
because once He returns it's easy for anyone to praise Him. once the fullness of revelation comes, once we see Him face to face, we will all have our DUH moment, as we surrender to the fullness of His glory. oh the glory. for many, it will be costly. (give us souls, LORD!)
which is why it's not about the end, but the journey that counts. hmm. thanks Jesse.
i'm not gonna wait until He comes. because He came already, 2,000 years ago. not only did He come, but 2,000 years ago, He said YES to me and hung on a tree. that's all the revelation i'm ever gonna need.
until then, i'm throw aside my own emotions and feelings, and i'm gonna praise Him. i'm gonna love Him, i'm gonna trust Him to the end. i want to be found faithful up to my last breath.
if we could see how much you're worth, your power, your might, your endless love, then surely we would never cease to praise you.
not.
one of the most beautiful gifts the Holy Spirit gives me (He gives His children a lot of good gifts :) ) is the gift of revelation.
there are moments where i find myself drowning in doubt, insecurity, apathy, dullness, self-pity, confusion, selfish thoughts, the "woe-is-me" complaint, whining, and simply doubting His leadership and His ways in my life. like, "LORD, do you really make all things work together for my good?...even now?...look at the way i'm feeling!" it is a place where everything about Him, His love, affections, seem so...meaningless. it is a place where the truths of His character, and His Word are like blunt arrows that fail to pierce, let alone scratch the surface of a heart of stone, a body of dry bones.
but the moment He releases the Spirit of revelation upon me, it is like i have stepped into heaven. it's the Holy Spirit's way of breathing life into me, and everything begins to make sense. sometimes it leaves me in tears, or on my knees, mostly just speechless, but it always leaves me never the same.
too often i find myself struggling with knowing His goodness. simply put, it's hard for me to know that He is good when i don't feel like He is good. and i don't feel His joy, love, and affections. that's where the disconnect is.
yet, after revelation, i am left with nothing but praises. i am left with praises because He has been kind to give me a revelation of His truth. it's like a kiss of the Holy Spirit, whisper of His voice that changes everything. it now becomes easier to praise Him, because He has given me this revelation. i can't help but to give praise. it's an experience of His truth. from the head to heart. and i feel it. after revelation it's like, DUH. of course the LORD is good. i call it my DUH moment. a.k.a. getting owned by God. anyways.
He leaves me in a place where i'm like LORD, how could i have doubted? of course Your ways are good! of course Your leadership is perfect in my life! and He leaves me overwhelmed and in tears over how much He really loves me. and that He is really for me, not against me. and everything He does just screams "i love you" and everything He does says "i care". and i'm overwhelmed by just how good and kind He is to me, and the ways He works.
and because of this revelation, now i actually feel like praising Him, i feel like i have a reason to praise Him, and thanking Him for His goodness and the ways He works. praise now becomes so much more easy. oh happy day!
it kind of reminds me of the israelites...and their struggles in the wilderness...a pattern that goes something like:
1) woe is us! God, you have left us to die! whine whine.
2) God is like "okay, fine, let me show you that i'm still faithful" so He shows up and delivers them
3) israelites are happy. "yay God! we praise you!"
and after a few years...
4) return to step 1
hmm...
yet LORD, you desire me to praise you even when i am lacking in revelation. you desire me to trust even when i lack reason to. Jesus, you are worthy even when i don't feel like it, or when i don't even know why i should praise. Jesus, teach me to praise even without revelation! i want to praise even when the revelation of your goodness hasn't been made to me at the moment. Yet, based on my past experiences, past revelations, past knowledge of your goodness, and what you did on the cross, because you are Creator and LORD of LORDS...BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BREATH IN MY LUNGS, i still have the ability to praise. i still have the desire to thank you for your kindness, your goodness, your mercy, your grace.
and isn't that what faith is all about? to press in, to persevere? to hope, to trust in a Jesus that has yet to return in all His fullness? (hurry, LORD!) to believe in a salvation we can't see? to trust in a God that has yet to fully reveal His manifest presence to us, His shekinah glory? to believe in restoration, in healing, in HIS SOVEREIGNTY AND GOODNESS in a world where we only catch glimpses of them, and the fullness of His revelation is yet to be made known?
now isn't that the faith we are called to? and isn't that the gap (ezekiel 22:30) in which we stand in the place of intercession? to be that voice in the wilderness. and to proclaim with boldness, the message of Jesus, a message of hope for the world, one that has yet to be revealed in it's fullness. as lovers of Jesus isn't that what we live for? to grab hold of His goodness in world of brokenness? to love Him, to bow down to Him in worship and praise in a world that has yet to call Him worthy? a world that has yet to see and experience a revelation of the fullness of His splendor and majesty?
because once He returns it's easy for anyone to praise Him. once the fullness of revelation comes, once we see Him face to face, we will all have our DUH moment, as we surrender to the fullness of His glory. oh the glory. for many, it will be costly. (give us souls, LORD!)
which is why it's not about the end, but the journey that counts. hmm. thanks Jesse.
i'm not gonna wait until He comes. because He came already, 2,000 years ago. not only did He come, but 2,000 years ago, He said YES to me and hung on a tree. that's all the revelation i'm ever gonna need.
until then, i'm throw aside my own emotions and feelings, and i'm gonna praise Him. i'm gonna love Him, i'm gonna trust Him to the end. i want to be found faithful up to my last breath.
if we could see how much you're worth, your power, your might, your endless love, then surely we would never cease to praise you.
psalm 21
oh, how i rejoice in your strength, O LORD,
i shout for joy in the victories you give me!
You have granted me the desire of my heart
and have not withheld any request from my lips
You have welcomed me with rich blessings
and placed a crown of pure gold on my head
i asked you for life, and you gave it to me--
length of days, for ever and ever
You bring me great victories, my glory is great
You have clothed me with splendor and majesty
you have granted me eternal blessings
and you have made me glad with the joy of Your presence
for i trust in the LORD;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
i will not be shaken
be exalted, O LORD, in your strength;
i will sing and praise Your might.
i shout for joy in the victories you give me!
You have granted me the desire of my heart
and have not withheld any request from my lips
You have welcomed me with rich blessings
and placed a crown of pure gold on my head
i asked you for life, and you gave it to me--
length of days, for ever and ever
You bring me great victories, my glory is great
You have clothed me with splendor and majesty
you have granted me eternal blessings
and you have made me glad with the joy of Your presence
for i trust in the LORD;
through the unfailing love of the Most High
i will not be shaken
be exalted, O LORD, in your strength;
i will sing and praise Your might.
11.19.2009
for such a time as this
LORD, there's such a sense of urgency on my heart now. the time is NOW. LORD, I CAN'T DO THIS ON MY OWN ANYMORE. God, who am I to do anything to change the lives of those around me? to change this campus?
God, the time has come when it is no longer about me when i share about you. a time has come where i share a message with the power that Paul had, a message:
"not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
1 corinth. 2:4
LORD, show us your power!
God, who am i that my words will move hearts? who am i that my words will convince others that you are worth living for? who am i that my words can bring emotional freedom? who am i that my actions can demonstrate your love? who am i that i can speak life into dry bones? who am i to revive dull and weary hearts? God, i am so powerless. God i need you so much. Holy Spirit i need you so much. i'm tired of empty words. God, my actions aren't enough. i need your power. i need your power.
so i'm going on my knees.
HOLY SPIRIT COME. I WELCOME YOU TO COME TO UCSD. COME TOUCH LIVES. RELEASE HEALING POWER, PROPHETIC POWER, EMOTIONAL FREEDOM. REVIVE OUR HEARTS ONCE AGAIN. WE NEED YOU SO MUCH GOD. SHOW US YOUR KINDNESS. FOR YOU DELIGHT IN MERCY. YOU DELIGHT IN RESTORING THE BROKENHEARTED. YOU DELIGHT IN DRAWING US NEAR TO YOU.
and you have been speaking to me,
the spirit and bride say come.
rev. 22:17
oh, and how i want you to come.
~~~
so yea this prayer student revival/awakening thing at IHOP. watch it. 6pm-12am Wed-Sun.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000060205
He has been kind to pour out His Spirit at IHOP. and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. and lives are being radically transformed, spiritually, emotionally and physically because His presence is manifested and made known in a tangible way. i pray for the same to happen at UCSD. God, that revival will mean that YOU ARE WITH US. and whatever that means, God just come and BE WITH US. heck, who knows what revival looks like, but i do know that it means that your Spirit is present. and we will know it without a doubt because you will do what you love doing:
for you bring restoration.
you bring freedom.
you give us joy.
God, bring us to a place where the in-dwelling of your presence that radically changes lives. that you will speak audibly to hearts, heal us from our brokenness, and that you would encounter and touch us in a tangible way.
so let your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. matt 6:10
show us what heaven is like, God. bring heaven on earth.
bring our hearts back to yours God. restore the first commandment back to first place. remind us what we are living for. and when we are bored with christianity, and worldly pleasures seem so much more attractive, draw us back with your attractive fragrance. God bring us back to our first love, Jesus.
note to self:
1) the year of the LORD's favor
2) red moon rising 24/7 prayer
3) a passion/burden for intercession
thank you LORD for taking me through a season of just me and You. and getting to know Your heart and how i can be closer to You. this is just the beginning.
i pray that i will be found faithful to the end, and at the end of the day i will be at a place where i love the man Jesus more. and need Him more. more than yesterday.
and at the end of the day, i rejoice not for the cool things He does but because my name is written in heaven.
for He loves me.
God, the time has come when it is no longer about me when i share about you. a time has come where i share a message with the power that Paul had, a message:
"not with wise and persuasive words, but a demonstration of the Spirit's power, so that faith might not rest on men's wisdom, but on God's power."
1 corinth. 2:4
LORD, show us your power!
God, who am i that my words will move hearts? who am i that my words will convince others that you are worth living for? who am i that my words can bring emotional freedom? who am i that my actions can demonstrate your love? who am i that i can speak life into dry bones? who am i to revive dull and weary hearts? God, i am so powerless. God i need you so much. Holy Spirit i need you so much. i'm tired of empty words. God, my actions aren't enough. i need your power. i need your power.
so i'm going on my knees.
HOLY SPIRIT COME. I WELCOME YOU TO COME TO UCSD. COME TOUCH LIVES. RELEASE HEALING POWER, PROPHETIC POWER, EMOTIONAL FREEDOM. REVIVE OUR HEARTS ONCE AGAIN. WE NEED YOU SO MUCH GOD. SHOW US YOUR KINDNESS. FOR YOU DELIGHT IN MERCY. YOU DELIGHT IN RESTORING THE BROKENHEARTED. YOU DELIGHT IN DRAWING US NEAR TO YOU.
and you have been speaking to me,
the spirit and bride say come.
rev. 22:17
oh, and how i want you to come.
~~~
so yea this prayer student revival/awakening thing at IHOP. watch it. 6pm-12am Wed-Sun.
http://www.ihop.org/Publisher/Article.aspx?ID=1000060205
He has been kind to pour out His Spirit at IHOP. and where the Spirit of the LORD is, there is freedom. and lives are being radically transformed, spiritually, emotionally and physically because His presence is manifested and made known in a tangible way. i pray for the same to happen at UCSD. God, that revival will mean that YOU ARE WITH US. and whatever that means, God just come and BE WITH US. heck, who knows what revival looks like, but i do know that it means that your Spirit is present. and we will know it without a doubt because you will do what you love doing:
for you bring restoration.
you bring freedom.
you give us joy.
God, bring us to a place where the in-dwelling of your presence that radically changes lives. that you will speak audibly to hearts, heal us from our brokenness, and that you would encounter and touch us in a tangible way.
so let your kingdom come, your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven. matt 6:10
show us what heaven is like, God. bring heaven on earth.
bring our hearts back to yours God. restore the first commandment back to first place. remind us what we are living for. and when we are bored with christianity, and worldly pleasures seem so much more attractive, draw us back with your attractive fragrance. God bring us back to our first love, Jesus.
note to self:
1) the year of the LORD's favor
2) red moon rising 24/7 prayer
3) a passion/burden for intercession
thank you LORD for taking me through a season of just me and You. and getting to know Your heart and how i can be closer to You. this is just the beginning.
i pray that i will be found faithful to the end, and at the end of the day i will be at a place where i love the man Jesus more. and need Him more. more than yesterday.
and at the end of the day, i rejoice not for the cool things He does but because my name is written in heaven.
for He loves me.
11.16.2009
reminder
it is His love that motivates me to pursue Him
it is His faithfulness that compels me to run hard after Him.
it is His delight that causes me to stand
it is His commitment that is the strength of my life
and yet it's so easy to forget. it's so easy to forget His character, His love, His affections for me. i forget that He is thinking about me all the time. and i forget He delights in me. like really LORD? you delight in me, even now?
and when i forget, i easily lose all motivation to continue to pursue Him.
so today He was kind to remind me,
"eric, I chose your love above all the splendors of the world.
son, you truly are the joy set before me. I gave it all to have you, and now, now you are mine."
so i say YES. i say YES to you, Jesus.
it is His faithfulness that compels me to run hard after Him.
it is His delight that causes me to stand
it is His commitment that is the strength of my life
and yet it's so easy to forget. it's so easy to forget His character, His love, His affections for me. i forget that He is thinking about me all the time. and i forget He delights in me. like really LORD? you delight in me, even now?
and when i forget, i easily lose all motivation to continue to pursue Him.
so today He was kind to remind me,
"eric, I chose your love above all the splendors of the world.
son, you truly are the joy set before me. I gave it all to have you, and now, now you are mine."
so i say YES. i say YES to you, Jesus.
11.04.2009
His kindness
He has been so kind to me.
everything He does, screams i love you
everything He is, says i care
what am i that You would love me like you do?
who am i that You should care?
for how weak my love is! and the moment i am overcome by an inability to continue to love Him, when i'm overwhelmed by circumstances, burdens, expectations, failures, insufficiencies, weakness, frustration, confusion, dullness, dissatisfaction, distance, all i have to do is take one glance at His face, oh that face.
and my heart melts
Abba, what are you thinking? what are you feeling?
as i begin to study His emotions for me,
He says,
beloved,
i enjoy your presence,
and i just want you to be with Me.
everything starts to make sense now.
this is where i'm supposed to be.
i was made for this.
so daily, i find myself in the sweetest embrace, with a love i could never earn, a love i had never known. and it's at this place, i'm captivated, enthralled, surrendered to His beauty.
getting lost in the gaze of His eyes
getting lost in the warmth of His smile
come and sweep me away
happy am i, to live a hungry life.
blessed am i, to thirst.
my desire for Him is a gift from within.
He has given me the gift of faith
His mercy flows from His throne like a river
He has been so kind,
to cause me to come and approach Him.
and i am blessed among men.
the power of His spirit of revelation, a glimpse of His heart for me, is beyond words. it is something that is such a gift; love encounters are such a gift from Him. a revelation of His love, an experience of His heart, an encounter with His heart, to experience a heart that has been ravished my mine, brings me to a place where nothing else matters.
it always leaves me ruined, (and in tears)...when i least expect it
recklessly abandoned.
wasted on His affections.
He loves me so much.
everything He does, screams i love you
everything He is, says i care
what am i that You would love me like you do?
who am i that You should care?
for how weak my love is! and the moment i am overcome by an inability to continue to love Him, when i'm overwhelmed by circumstances, burdens, expectations, failures, insufficiencies, weakness, frustration, confusion, dullness, dissatisfaction, distance, all i have to do is take one glance at His face, oh that face.
and my heart melts
Abba, what are you thinking? what are you feeling?
as i begin to study His emotions for me,
He says,
beloved,
i enjoy your presence,
and i just want you to be with Me.
everything starts to make sense now.
this is where i'm supposed to be.
i was made for this.
so daily, i find myself in the sweetest embrace, with a love i could never earn, a love i had never known. and it's at this place, i'm captivated, enthralled, surrendered to His beauty.
getting lost in the gaze of His eyes
getting lost in the warmth of His smile
come and sweep me away
happy am i, to live a hungry life.
blessed am i, to thirst.
my desire for Him is a gift from within.
He has given me the gift of faith
His mercy flows from His throne like a river
He has been so kind,
to cause me to come and approach Him.
and i am blessed among men.
the power of His spirit of revelation, a glimpse of His heart for me, is beyond words. it is something that is such a gift; love encounters are such a gift from Him. a revelation of His love, an experience of His heart, an encounter with His heart, to experience a heart that has been ravished my mine, brings me to a place where nothing else matters.
it always leaves me ruined, (and in tears)...when i least expect it
recklessly abandoned.
wasted on His affections.
He loves me so much.
10.27.2009
truth
the most powerful man in the universe is in love with me, and He is fighting for me, He is always for me, and He will not take me into a place that is harmful.
HE IS FOR ME, NOT AGAINST ME.
i will trust in His perfect leadership.
if He wants it for me, then i want it.
so eric, stop struggling and behold Me.
HE IS FOR ME, NOT AGAINST ME.
i will trust in His perfect leadership.
if He wants it for me, then i want it.
so eric, stop struggling and behold Me.
10.17.2009
He's faithful to the end
His love has been ruining my life. my mind, emotions, and feelings have been wrecked. He's wrecking it beyond the point of no return. i have been completely undone by Him. my life these past few weeks have been ruined. wasted beyond repair. and all i have been able to do is to run to him in cry out in hopes that He will see me and hear me. and He has.
He's brought me deeper and deeper into a holy desperation, a yearning, a groaning, a heartsickness, a lovesickness that i have never experienced before.it is a pain in my heart that screams to be with Him in the secret place. and to think that i assumed i knew what love is?
He has withheld the fullness of His glory, His manifest presence from me to create in me a cry, of tears. He has given me a lovesickness that burns and consumes me because i have tasted and seen the fullness of His beauty in the past, but it has been hard to do so now.
a season of joy. He has taken away my happiness that i find so easily in this world and He has caused me to come and approach Him to seek something far greater, an everlasting joy found complete in fullness only in His presence (ps. 16:11).
He has forced me into desperation. He has been kind to empty me. i wake up with an emptiness, a depression, a hopelessness, that has not been there before. so He has forced me on my knees to cry. and when i cry i know Daddy will always come. He will come to fill this emptiness, an emptiness that has been preoccupied by the worthless things of this world.
He has allowed my heart to feel heavy, he has allowed me to become weak so that He can be strong. so that He can show me what it feels to exchange my ashes for His beauty. so that i can experience His garment of praise for my heaviness.
a season of becoming the Bride. He is weeding out my garden. He is painfully removing every weed, every false desire that i put my hope in. He has been bringing me to a place where emotions, circumstances, approval from man, my pride mean nothing. He is weeding me from anything and everything that gives me false security, false pleasure, false identity, false desires, and all my false hope. and once my garden is fully weeded he can come and find a resting place and take delight in me.
He has burned me. and it hurts. His jealous love, His all-consuming fire is consuming my heart and burning away all my agendas, all my hopes and dreams, and every other lover until it is just me and Him alone in the garden.
He has been preparing my heart, purifying my heart to be one that is pure, spotless, and clean enough to be His bride. so that He can come and marry me.
a season of drawing me closer. He has caused me to come and approach Him in the secret place. 30 minutes are not enough. 1 hour is not enough. i get giddy at the thought of being with Him in the secret place. and not even have it be emotional or a feeling of His presence. but just to be with Him and His manifest presence...in class i get excited and super happy at the thought of the moment when i can be alone with Him. and that is what i look forward to! just to be with Him! to spend eternity here. and nothing else seems relevant anymore.
He has been fixing my eyes. cause my eyes suck. He's fixing them until they become dove's eyes, with undistracted devotion for Him alone. eyes that aren't fixed on myself, my emotions, my burdens. but eyes fixed on His beauty alone.
He has revealed to me how broken i am. and despite how willing my spirit may be, how weak is my flesh! and how weak my love is! and how far my heart is from steadfast love. but He has shown me His enjoyment, delight, and favor over me even in my broken love as i set my heart to genuinely, sincerely love Him, even in all my shortcomings. and i can still run to Him in full confidence despite my brokenness.
He has graciously tugged harder and He has been kind to overcome my fighting, my wrestling with Him. He has been kind to ignore each time that i brush His hand aside when He is trying to help me as He reminds me that everything He does shouts "HE LOVES ME". everything He does shows "HE DOES CARE". because He is a kind Daddy. He is a gracious Abba.
He is kindly increasing my capacity to love and to experience His love.
my hands are shaking as i write this and flip through my journal, i am being enthralled and exhilarated by His love once again.
Jesus, be my only satisfaction. Jesus, be my only passion.
He's brought me deeper and deeper into a holy desperation, a yearning, a groaning, a heartsickness, a lovesickness that i have never experienced before.it is a pain in my heart that screams to be with Him in the secret place. and to think that i assumed i knew what love is?
He has withheld the fullness of His glory, His manifest presence from me to create in me a cry, of tears. He has given me a lovesickness that burns and consumes me because i have tasted and seen the fullness of His beauty in the past, but it has been hard to do so now.
a season of joy. He has taken away my happiness that i find so easily in this world and He has caused me to come and approach Him to seek something far greater, an everlasting joy found complete in fullness only in His presence (ps. 16:11).
He has forced me into desperation. He has been kind to empty me. i wake up with an emptiness, a depression, a hopelessness, that has not been there before. so He has forced me on my knees to cry. and when i cry i know Daddy will always come. He will come to fill this emptiness, an emptiness that has been preoccupied by the worthless things of this world.
He has allowed my heart to feel heavy, he has allowed me to become weak so that He can be strong. so that He can show me what it feels to exchange my ashes for His beauty. so that i can experience His garment of praise for my heaviness.
a season of becoming the Bride. He is weeding out my garden. He is painfully removing every weed, every false desire that i put my hope in. He has been bringing me to a place where emotions, circumstances, approval from man, my pride mean nothing. He is weeding me from anything and everything that gives me false security, false pleasure, false identity, false desires, and all my false hope. and once my garden is fully weeded he can come and find a resting place and take delight in me.
He has burned me. and it hurts. His jealous love, His all-consuming fire is consuming my heart and burning away all my agendas, all my hopes and dreams, and every other lover until it is just me and Him alone in the garden.
He has been preparing my heart, purifying my heart to be one that is pure, spotless, and clean enough to be His bride. so that He can come and marry me.
a season of drawing me closer. He has caused me to come and approach Him in the secret place. 30 minutes are not enough. 1 hour is not enough. i get giddy at the thought of being with Him in the secret place. and not even have it be emotional or a feeling of His presence. but just to be with Him and His manifest presence...in class i get excited and super happy at the thought of the moment when i can be alone with Him. and that is what i look forward to! just to be with Him! to spend eternity here. and nothing else seems relevant anymore.
He has been fixing my eyes. cause my eyes suck. He's fixing them until they become dove's eyes, with undistracted devotion for Him alone. eyes that aren't fixed on myself, my emotions, my burdens. but eyes fixed on His beauty alone.
He has revealed to me how broken i am. and despite how willing my spirit may be, how weak is my flesh! and how weak my love is! and how far my heart is from steadfast love. but He has shown me His enjoyment, delight, and favor over me even in my broken love as i set my heart to genuinely, sincerely love Him, even in all my shortcomings. and i can still run to Him in full confidence despite my brokenness.
He has graciously tugged harder and He has been kind to overcome my fighting, my wrestling with Him. He has been kind to ignore each time that i brush His hand aside when He is trying to help me as He reminds me that everything He does shouts "HE LOVES ME". everything He does shows "HE DOES CARE". because He is a kind Daddy. He is a gracious Abba.
He is kindly increasing my capacity to love and to experience His love.
my hands are shaking as i write this and flip through my journal, i am being enthralled and exhilarated by His love once again.
Jesus, be my only satisfaction. Jesus, be my only passion.
another video
so i'm supposed to be studying, yet i fail.
i stumbled across this story about a muslim girl named Rifqa Bary who became Christian and her parents were gonna kill her for being Christian so she ran away from home to a pastor's house and now there's this huge controversy.
anyways this is her testimony (check out 6:12):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne0MdUyJ1GU
oh yea and she's like 16. i'm pretty sure most 16 year old Christians do not know Jesus the way she does.
this is what happens when we are persecuted for our faith. it creates desperation. and passion. Jesus becomes more than a religion. He becomes your life. He becomes your everything. nothing else matters anymore, not even your life.
Jesus come be my everything.
If you don't have a passion worthy dying for, you have nothing worth living for
-jaeson ma
i stumbled across this story about a muslim girl named Rifqa Bary who became Christian and her parents were gonna kill her for being Christian so she ran away from home to a pastor's house and now there's this huge controversy.
anyways this is her testimony (check out 6:12):
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ne0MdUyJ1GU
oh yea and she's like 16. i'm pretty sure most 16 year old Christians do not know Jesus the way she does.
this is what happens when we are persecuted for our faith. it creates desperation. and passion. Jesus becomes more than a religion. He becomes your life. He becomes your everything. nothing else matters anymore, not even your life.
Jesus come be my everything.
If you don't have a passion worthy dying for, you have nothing worth living for
-jaeson ma
10.13.2009
10.05.2009
emotions
i have putting off this post for quite some time now. (andy would know heh)
emotions are a gift from God. some feel more than others. the F in my ENFJ means i experience God naturally through feeling Him. it has been a season of a love/hate relationship of acknowledging just how much of a feeler He created me to be, one i see as a gift when i feel good and one that i question when i feel bummed. like when i feel bummed (due to circumstance or situation) i have a greater difficulty feeling Him and therefore a greater difficulty to love Him and i question why He even gave me emotions. why couldn't i just know the truth, be happy, move on, and just always love Him 100%? but that would mean i would be a robot and God did not create me to be a robot. nope. i don't think so.
as a feeler, i always have trouble with trying to rationalize Jesus or experiencing Him through theory. or head knowledge. and it's always been hard to experience a heart reality when i cannot feel Him. during this season of an emotional tug-of-war i embrace this truth more than ever before: beauty is when head knowledge flows down from the head to become a heart reality.
we can know God is good, He loves us with an everlasting love. with our head, we know this. we sing about it, we read books on it. we spend hours in church learning about it. as christians we spend our entire lives getting drilled with this truth. we even share with others about how good He is.
yet until we experience His love first hand through a love encounter, that head knowledge remains head knowledge. until the Holy Spirit gives us a revelation of His goodness, love, and mercy and makes it an experiential reality to us, we are stuck in what i call religion. a bunch of rules, theories, and ideas. dead. we live a life of faith but no heart. religion but no relationship. so come Holy Spirit. Spirit of revelation come.
yet my extreme emotions feeler action is a gift. He's telling me not to purge it from me. and i'm definitely not going to stop trying to feel Him. No. i will continue to strive first to seek out His emotions for me. His thoughts, His affections, His passions, desires, for me. and when i cannot feel Him i am weak and i cry out in holy desperation. i cry out what i know to be true yet not feeling any of it. and He comes and sweeps me off my feet.
as lovers of Jesus, we are created to feel Him. yet emotions come and go. Jesus is taking me into a season of truth beyond emotions. joy beyond happiness. a season where i stop fighting what He is trying to do with me because i had asked Him to change me in the first place. and to learn to be like that child that slides down the slide and to accept what Daddy is trying to teach me. and stop whining. to stop tugging and let Him win that tug-of-war going on in my heart. cause Abba loves me. Daddy knows what is best for me.
He is taking me into a season of joy. of calling me closer. of becoming His bride.
i am my beloved's and He is mine
so come into your garden and take delight in me
come sweet Jesus. my heart is your garden
come and find your resting place in me
emotions are a gift from God. some feel more than others. the F in my ENFJ means i experience God naturally through feeling Him. it has been a season of a love/hate relationship of acknowledging just how much of a feeler He created me to be, one i see as a gift when i feel good and one that i question when i feel bummed. like when i feel bummed (due to circumstance or situation) i have a greater difficulty feeling Him and therefore a greater difficulty to love Him and i question why He even gave me emotions. why couldn't i just know the truth, be happy, move on, and just always love Him 100%? but that would mean i would be a robot and God did not create me to be a robot. nope. i don't think so.
as a feeler, i always have trouble with trying to rationalize Jesus or experiencing Him through theory. or head knowledge. and it's always been hard to experience a heart reality when i cannot feel Him. during this season of an emotional tug-of-war i embrace this truth more than ever before: beauty is when head knowledge flows down from the head to become a heart reality.
we can know God is good, He loves us with an everlasting love. with our head, we know this. we sing about it, we read books on it. we spend hours in church learning about it. as christians we spend our entire lives getting drilled with this truth. we even share with others about how good He is.
yet until we experience His love first hand through a love encounter, that head knowledge remains head knowledge. until the Holy Spirit gives us a revelation of His goodness, love, and mercy and makes it an experiential reality to us, we are stuck in what i call religion. a bunch of rules, theories, and ideas. dead. we live a life of faith but no heart. religion but no relationship. so come Holy Spirit. Spirit of revelation come.
yet my extreme emotions feeler action is a gift. He's telling me not to purge it from me. and i'm definitely not going to stop trying to feel Him. No. i will continue to strive first to seek out His emotions for me. His thoughts, His affections, His passions, desires, for me. and when i cannot feel Him i am weak and i cry out in holy desperation. i cry out what i know to be true yet not feeling any of it. and He comes and sweeps me off my feet.
as lovers of Jesus, we are created to feel Him. yet emotions come and go. Jesus is taking me into a season of truth beyond emotions. joy beyond happiness. a season where i stop fighting what He is trying to do with me because i had asked Him to change me in the first place. and to learn to be like that child that slides down the slide and to accept what Daddy is trying to teach me. and stop whining. to stop tugging and let Him win that tug-of-war going on in my heart. cause Abba loves me. Daddy knows what is best for me.
He is taking me into a season of joy. of calling me closer. of becoming His bride.
i am my beloved's and He is mine
so come into your garden and take delight in me
come sweet Jesus. my heart is your garden
come and find your resting place in me
10.04.2009
confession
i'm in love.
His name is Jesus. He has written my name on the palm of His hands.
and i have engraved His name on my heart.
i'm captivated by Him. His beauty stuns me. i stop for a moment and gaze into his eyes like blazing fire and passion for me and my heart skips a beat.
He stands before me in white robes and a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair are white as snow. His face is brighter than the sun shining in all its brilliance.
His love is jealous for me, His bride. and He takes delight in me. much, much more than i realize.
He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me
LORD, i only dare to ask: how much of your infinite glory, splendor, and love can i even begin to comprehend? how much will i even come close to experiencing?
i want it all, God. the fullness of you. come and have all of me.
john 17:3
~~~
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever.
His name is Jesus. He has written my name on the palm of His hands.
and i have engraved His name on my heart.
i'm captivated by Him. His beauty stuns me. i stop for a moment and gaze into his eyes like blazing fire and passion for me and my heart skips a beat.
He stands before me in white robes and a golden sash around his chest. His head and hair are white as snow. His face is brighter than the sun shining in all its brilliance.
His love is jealous for me, His bride. and He takes delight in me. much, much more than i realize.
He's faithful to the end
He's faithful to my heart
He's faithful to the end
He will come and marry me
LORD, i only dare to ask: how much of your infinite glory, splendor, and love can i even begin to comprehend? how much will i even come close to experiencing?
i want it all, God. the fullness of you. come and have all of me.
john 17:3
~~~
i am yours,
you are mine,
and we'll be together, forever.
10.01.2009
and He said to me
eric, my son, take a moment, stop, and gaze upon the beauty of the face that is love. eric, stop. and dare, for a moment, to look straight into my eyes of love. my son, can't you see that I am beautiful? can't you see that I am so much more lovely than anything in this world? beloved son, my eyes are on you. my eyes are on you.
would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
would You tell me, how could it be any better than this?
9.01.2009
LOVE by jaeson ma
so there's this preacher called jaeson ma i really look up to him anyways he's hecka gangster and he raps and stuff and he came out with this song. he sorta preaches in it cause it was totally freestyle and passion and unplanned and totally Holy Spirit.
it might be too intense for you. but come on, all of today's popular "pagan" music on the radio and clubs and stuff is pretty darn intense.
and come on, how much more intense is Jesus' love? i really like intense. cause Jesus' love for us is intense. the nails in His hands, the thorns in His brow, beaten to a pulp, hanging on the cross for my sins, your sins. that is intense. i want to know intense. i want to know LOVE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73kZ6wBoqTk
it might be too intense for you. but come on, all of today's popular "pagan" music on the radio and clubs and stuff is pretty darn intense.
and come on, how much more intense is Jesus' love? i really like intense. cause Jesus' love for us is intense. the nails in His hands, the thorns in His brow, beaten to a pulp, hanging on the cross for my sins, your sins. that is intense. i want to know intense. i want to know LOVE.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=73kZ6wBoqTk
8.29.2009
thank you
thank you, Holy Spirit
studying for MCATs has been hard.
but
i praise you Jesus, for you are good.
oh LORD, my God, i will give thanks to you forever.
~~~
shout for joy the the LORD, all the earth
worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
know that the LORD is God.
it is He who made us, and we are his
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture
enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
psalm100
story of my summer.
story of my life.
~~~
thank you, Father, for your ways are higher than my ways
thank you, Abba, for you know what is best for me, better than what i think is best for myself.
thank you, Daddy, that i can be called your kid, and you always give me the best
thank you, Father, for your leadership in my life is perfect
thank you, Jesus, for you hold me, my life, my future, in the palm of your hands
thank you, Holy Spirit, that even when i can't see your goodness, you help me to
thank you, Holy Spirit, that when i whine and complain, your light shines on me and i realize how silly i am and how good you really are
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you help me set my gaze not on myself, not on what is in front of me, but on your beauty, on your grace,
thank you, Holy Spirit, that you overcome my fleshy short-sightedness and give me eyes to see you
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are so much greater than my emotions or my mood
thank you, Holy Spirit, for helping me keep my eyes on You and not on my circumstances or surroundings
thank you, Holy Spirit, for the indestructible peace that dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, that i don't have to ask for peace, because the One that is peace already dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, for all the days of my life are filled with your love, peace, and joy
thank you, Jesus, for this summer, taking me from glory to glory
thank you, Jesus, for you are so faithful
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are closer than i really think or realize
thank you, Jesus, because you really do value me more than anything else
thank you, Jesus, because you are the Renewer of my soul
thank you, Abba, because you put my heart together when it has been broken and wounded
thank you, Jesus, for you hear the cries of my heart
thank you, Jesus, for your mercies are new every morning
thank you, Jesus, that my relationship with you isn't an end result in heaven, but it is a daily fellowship, relational, everlasting, romantic hand-in-hand walk in the park date
thank you, Jesus, that i can just enjoy being with you and not have to say anything
thank you, Jesus, that even if my thoughts aren't always on you, you are still thinking of me
thank you, Jesus, for you are altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether beautiful to me
thank you, Abba, for you never leave me nor forsake me
thank you, Daddy, for you call me beloved son
LORD, YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR MERCY ENDURETH FOREVER
studying for MCATs has been hard.
but
i praise you Jesus, for you are good.
oh LORD, my God, i will give thanks to you forever.
~~~
shout for joy the the LORD, all the earth
worship the LORD with gladness;
come before him with joyful songs.
know that the LORD is God.
it is He who made us, and we are his
we are his people, the sheep of his pasture
enter his gates with thanksgiving
and his courts with praise;
give thanks to him and praise his name.
For the LORD is good and his love endures forever;
his faithfulness continues through all generations.
psalm100
story of my summer.
story of my life.
~~~
thank you, Father, for your ways are higher than my ways
thank you, Abba, for you know what is best for me, better than what i think is best for myself.
thank you, Daddy, that i can be called your kid, and you always give me the best
thank you, Father, for your leadership in my life is perfect
thank you, Jesus, for you hold me, my life, my future, in the palm of your hands
thank you, Holy Spirit, that even when i can't see your goodness, you help me to
thank you, Holy Spirit, that when i whine and complain, your light shines on me and i realize how silly i am and how good you really are
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you help me set my gaze not on myself, not on what is in front of me, but on your beauty, on your grace,
thank you, Holy Spirit, that you overcome my fleshy short-sightedness and give me eyes to see you
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are so much greater than my emotions or my mood
thank you, Holy Spirit, for helping me keep my eyes on You and not on my circumstances or surroundings
thank you, Holy Spirit, for the indestructible peace that dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, that i don't have to ask for peace, because the One that is peace already dwells inside of me
thank you, Holy Spirit, for all the days of my life are filled with your love, peace, and joy
thank you, Jesus, for this summer, taking me from glory to glory
thank you, Jesus, for you are so faithful
thank you, Holy Spirit, for you are closer than i really think or realize
thank you, Jesus, because you really do value me more than anything else
thank you, Jesus, because you are the Renewer of my soul
thank you, Abba, because you put my heart together when it has been broken and wounded
thank you, Jesus, for you hear the cries of my heart
thank you, Jesus, for your mercies are new every morning
thank you, Jesus, that my relationship with you isn't an end result in heaven, but it is a daily fellowship, relational, everlasting, romantic hand-in-hand walk in the park date
thank you, Jesus, that i can just enjoy being with you and not have to say anything
thank you, Jesus, that even if my thoughts aren't always on you, you are still thinking of me
thank you, Jesus, for you are altogether lovely, altogether worthy, altogether beautiful to me
thank you, Abba, for you never leave me nor forsake me
thank you, Daddy, for you call me beloved son
LORD, YOU ARE GOOD AND YOUR MERCY ENDURETH FOREVER
8.17.2009
heart cry
Jesus, so is this how it feels?
is this how your heart burns for me? is this the kind of firey passion that your heart burns for? all for me? Jesus, i can't believe it.
is this how much you think about me? is this how much i am on your mind? day and night, night and day?
is this how you long for me? is this how you yearn for me? is this how you long to see my face, to know my thoughts, and my desires?
is this how you long to spend time with me, just to be with me for a little longer?
is this how much you treasure the moments we spend together, and how much you enjoy just being with me?
is this the jealous love you have for me? is this the all consuming fire that is your love? the type of love that wants all of me for yourself? Jesus, that you will fight for my love, you will fight pursue me and fight off anything that keeps my heart from yours, even to the point of death so that my heart can be yours? and God, you won't stop fighting for me until you have it all. you won't relent until you have all my heart.
and Jesus, to know that you are pursuing me? that you are the pursuer in this relationship, that you have been the one to woo me into this love relationship? that you relentlessly pursue me, you run hard after me, you chase after me.
is this the love you have for me? who am i God, who am i? for you to love me so? for you to wait for me, even after all the times i have failed to recognize or embrace your presence? after all the times i've been too lazy or apathetic just to be with you?
who am i, for you to stand there, waiting, with arms wide open, just longing for that moment that i glance at you and your heart melts.
God, to know that i melt your heart when i gaze upon you? to know that I ravish your heart with just one glance of my eyes? that one glance of my distraction-ridden, unfaithful, broken, impatient, ever-skirting eyes, can move the heart of my Creator? who am i God, who am i?
asdfiojas;dlfsdflij
is this how your heart burns for me? is this the kind of firey passion that your heart burns for? all for me? Jesus, i can't believe it.
is this how much you think about me? is this how much i am on your mind? day and night, night and day?
is this how you long for me? is this how you yearn for me? is this how you long to see my face, to know my thoughts, and my desires?
is this how you long to spend time with me, just to be with me for a little longer?
is this how much you treasure the moments we spend together, and how much you enjoy just being with me?
is this the jealous love you have for me? is this the all consuming fire that is your love? the type of love that wants all of me for yourself? Jesus, that you will fight for my love, you will fight pursue me and fight off anything that keeps my heart from yours, even to the point of death so that my heart can be yours? and God, you won't stop fighting for me until you have it all. you won't relent until you have all my heart.
and Jesus, to know that you are pursuing me? that you are the pursuer in this relationship, that you have been the one to woo me into this love relationship? that you relentlessly pursue me, you run hard after me, you chase after me.
is this the love you have for me? who am i God, who am i? for you to love me so? for you to wait for me, even after all the times i have failed to recognize or embrace your presence? after all the times i've been too lazy or apathetic just to be with you?
who am i, for you to stand there, waiting, with arms wide open, just longing for that moment that i glance at you and your heart melts.
God, to know that i melt your heart when i gaze upon you? to know that I ravish your heart with just one glance of my eyes? that one glance of my distraction-ridden, unfaithful, broken, impatient, ever-skirting eyes, can move the heart of my Creator? who am i God, who am i?
asdfiojas;dlfsdflij
8.15.2009
Jesus stumbles me
Jesus stumbles me. really badly. alot. alright, yes, girls can stumble me too. but just how much more does Jesus stumble me!
you have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride;
you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes.
song of songs 4:9
other translations are:
you have captivated my heart.
you have made my heart beat faster.
you have captured my heart.
you have stolen my heart.
these are all really powerful words that try to explain what goes on in our heart when we are in love.
but i like ravished the best.
what the heck is ravished? dictionary.com defines it as:
ravish (verb)
to fill with strong emotion, especially joy.
actually i don't really like that definition hah. it doesn't do the the word justice.
i have never heard of the word ravished. the only time i've ever heard it used is in this verse in the bible. i really feel like it's a really special word. it's what happens ONLY when we have a love encounter with God. you see, God's love is so powerful and good, that it ravishes us. it's sorta along the lines of ruining, messing up our heart so badly cause His love is so powerful and all-consuming fire, and it leaves us never the same, we are never the same when we encounter His love. cause no other love in the world can ravish our hearts. no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no material thing.
we can think we know love. what is love anyways? you think you know love? you do not know love until you know the One who is love, who is the One who from just one glance of His eyes, our hearts are filled with such strong emotion and joy and we are just so moved and our heart melts and is overwhelmed and is just about to explode because we are ENCOUNTERING THE VERY DEFINITION OF LOVE. surely it is much stronger than the butterflies we get in our stomach when you talk to that girl you have a crush on! cause every morning when i wait upon His presence i get so moved in my spirit that when i set my gaze upon His beauty my heart is about to burst cause i am gazing on the FACE THAT IS PERFECT LOVE with fire in His eyes and such passion for me and i can't even explain what my heart is feeling because my heart is being consumed by the fire of His love, it is so powerful that words cannot describe and His love has exceeded my capacity to experience emotions, His love has exceeded the limit of my human emotion and i realize i am only catching a glimpse of the fullness of Him that is love and i am ENTHRALLED and overwhelmed by how HE LOVES ME SO and how good He is and nothing else in the world matters anymore, i don't want to think about anything else because His jealous love has consumed me, God, don't hold back, pour it out, open Heaven, help me to take it all in, and just stay in this moment with you, just to be with you a little longer, God i don't want to do anything else or be anywhere else but right here with You, i just want to stay here forever, for eternity, cause this is who you created me to be, this is what you created me to feel, to experience, the purpose of my very existence. to be loved. forever.
how can i, stand here with you, and not be moved by you?
you have ravished my heart, my treasure, my bride;
you have ravished my heart, with one glance of your eyes.
song of songs 4:9
other translations are:
you have captivated my heart.
you have made my heart beat faster.
you have captured my heart.
you have stolen my heart.
these are all really powerful words that try to explain what goes on in our heart when we are in love.
but i like ravished the best.
what the heck is ravished? dictionary.com defines it as:
ravish (verb)
to fill with strong emotion, especially joy.
actually i don't really like that definition hah. it doesn't do the the word justice.
i have never heard of the word ravished. the only time i've ever heard it used is in this verse in the bible. i really feel like it's a really special word. it's what happens ONLY when we have a love encounter with God. you see, God's love is so powerful and good, that it ravishes us. it's sorta along the lines of ruining, messing up our heart so badly cause His love is so powerful and all-consuming fire, and it leaves us never the same, we are never the same when we encounter His love. cause no other love in the world can ravish our hearts. no boyfriend, no girlfriend, no material thing.
we can think we know love. what is love anyways? you think you know love? you do not know love until you know the One who is love, who is the One who from just one glance of His eyes, our hearts are filled with such strong emotion and joy and we are just so moved and our heart melts and is overwhelmed and is just about to explode because we are ENCOUNTERING THE VERY DEFINITION OF LOVE. surely it is much stronger than the butterflies we get in our stomach when you talk to that girl you have a crush on! cause every morning when i wait upon His presence i get so moved in my spirit that when i set my gaze upon His beauty my heart is about to burst cause i am gazing on the FACE THAT IS PERFECT LOVE with fire in His eyes and such passion for me and i can't even explain what my heart is feeling because my heart is being consumed by the fire of His love, it is so powerful that words cannot describe and His love has exceeded my capacity to experience emotions, His love has exceeded the limit of my human emotion and i realize i am only catching a glimpse of the fullness of Him that is love and i am ENTHRALLED and overwhelmed by how HE LOVES ME SO and how good He is and nothing else in the world matters anymore, i don't want to think about anything else because His jealous love has consumed me, God, don't hold back, pour it out, open Heaven, help me to take it all in, and just stay in this moment with you, just to be with you a little longer, God i don't want to do anything else or be anywhere else but right here with You, i just want to stay here forever, for eternity, cause this is who you created me to be, this is what you created me to feel, to experience, the purpose of my very existence. to be loved. forever.
how can i, stand here with you, and not be moved by you?
8.03.2009
lovesick
"if you find my beloved, as to what you will tell him: for I am lovesick."
song of songs 5:8
what does it mean to be lovesick for Jesus? surely it is more than just a fancy word on my profile. urban dictionary says this:
love-sick (adj.)
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking on your love, having dreamt of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with one's love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.
YES! that is what it is! what a good description. too bad whoever wrote this was probably talking about being lovesick for like his girlfriend. haha. or like that girl you have a crush on but just too afraid to tell her. BUT anyways. funny how holy the definition sounds. it even mentions "consuming fire" of the heart. dang. if only our hearts were consumed with fire for Jesus the way it is consumed for our girlfriend. i mean not that girlfriends are bad. ANYWAYS. if we can feel this way about another person, how much more can i feel this way about my Creator? I am lovesick for Jesus. and i will strive always to be lovesick. nothing short. the end.
that makes a lot of sense. to be so in love with Jesus that i don't even function properly. that my life is wrecked, is ruined (of course, in such a good way) that it is no longer normal. my life has been so ruined that it is no longer normal. because in this world, normal just isn't good enough. normal means we live to go to school, graduate, get an average job, get our white picket fence and 2.5 children, to retire and die. in this broken world, normal means a life that suffers from depression, loneliness, sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, emptiness. normal means seeking after things and relationships in this world only to find out that they do not satisfy. normal means seeking out love that fails us and rejects us. and all we can do is cry.
my life has been ruined. i find myself waking up thinking about Him, before i sleep. i think about Him when i brush my teeth, and many moments when i shower. i daydream with Him as i take the bus to school, He speaks to me as i study. i chat with Him when i eat lunch, and even more when i drive. He goes running with me, and the same goes for each lap i swim in the pool. He speaks to me as i study. We go on dates, and i cook with Him all the time. He is the last person i talk to before i sleep, even as i yearn for Him to speak to me in my dreams. He is so near. a moment with Him is sometimes just not enough, as i yearn to spend eternity with Him.
a few weeks ago marked the 1-year anniversary of this blog. haha wow. yay! what a year! i thought i was such a girl to be blogging. but its okay. i enjoy ranting on this thing and if anyone is interested in what i am saying then they can read. but my intentions one year ago are still the same today. i pray that through this blog and my silly words, people can have a love encounter with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. haha it's silly i have been praying for you. yes you. yes, it might sound lame, but i pray for people who read my blog. that you may know the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3
i pray that my blog speak life and encouragement. i pray that a glimpse of my life gives hope to love Jesus more.
reflecting made me realize how much i have grown in loving Jesus. but at the same time as i dive deeper into the depths of His love i realize how much i lack the capacity to experience the fullness of His love. i realize just how much i fall short in loving Him the way He loves me. i get frustrated and bothered so much when i can't love Him well. every time i feel like i got everything down in loving Him, i realize i fail in another area. BUT IT IS SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO BE.
it troubles me when i find a weakness in my love. to be lovesick means to be wounded in my heart to love Him. i want to love Him more. there is a pain in my heart to give myself more fully to Him. i want to pay attention to this holy pain in my heart. its a pain where i cry out, "God, i want to give you my all but i have not done it faithfully. i want to experience your all but i do not have the capacity to experience your all. but i will do whatever is necessary to give myself fully, to receive you fully, this is my life dream."
~~~
this summer has been about the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT. GAH. the Holy Spirit is not just for charismatics. let's get it right. we are in the age of the Holy Spirit. after Jesus died on the cross and left the earth, all He left was the Holy Spirit. we can't pretend that it doesn't exist, or downplay His importance, or doubt that we can love Jesus without any relationship with the third Person that is the Holy Spirit. so come Holy Spirit.
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
1) speak to me Holy Spirit. listening to the voice of God, the prophetic
2) physical healing: just do it. boldness to pray for the sick.
3) asking for visions and dreams every night before i sleep. it works!
just for kicks, 3 things:
1) power for prayer
2) power for healing
3) things that do not make sense will make sense. (as in my life calling). God will be open doors
song of songs 5:8
what does it mean to be lovesick for Jesus? surely it is more than just a fancy word on my profile. urban dictionary says this:
love-sick (adj.)
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking on your love, having dreamt of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with one's love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.
YES! that is what it is! what a good description. too bad whoever wrote this was probably talking about being lovesick for like his girlfriend. haha. or like that girl you have a crush on but just too afraid to tell her. BUT anyways. funny how holy the definition sounds. it even mentions "consuming fire" of the heart. dang. if only our hearts were consumed with fire for Jesus the way it is consumed for our girlfriend. i mean not that girlfriends are bad. ANYWAYS. if we can feel this way about another person, how much more can i feel this way about my Creator? I am lovesick for Jesus. and i will strive always to be lovesick. nothing short. the end.
that makes a lot of sense. to be so in love with Jesus that i don't even function properly. that my life is wrecked, is ruined (of course, in such a good way) that it is no longer normal. my life has been so ruined that it is no longer normal. because in this world, normal just isn't good enough. normal means we live to go to school, graduate, get an average job, get our white picket fence and 2.5 children, to retire and die. in this broken world, normal means a life that suffers from depression, loneliness, sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, emptiness. normal means seeking after things and relationships in this world only to find out that they do not satisfy. normal means seeking out love that fails us and rejects us. and all we can do is cry.
my life has been ruined. i find myself waking up thinking about Him, before i sleep. i think about Him when i brush my teeth, and many moments when i shower. i daydream with Him as i take the bus to school, He speaks to me as i study. i chat with Him when i eat lunch, and even more when i drive. He goes running with me, and the same goes for each lap i swim in the pool. He speaks to me as i study. We go on dates, and i cook with Him all the time. He is the last person i talk to before i sleep, even as i yearn for Him to speak to me in my dreams. He is so near. a moment with Him is sometimes just not enough, as i yearn to spend eternity with Him.
a few weeks ago marked the 1-year anniversary of this blog. haha wow. yay! what a year! i thought i was such a girl to be blogging. but its okay. i enjoy ranting on this thing and if anyone is interested in what i am saying then they can read. but my intentions one year ago are still the same today. i pray that through this blog and my silly words, people can have a love encounter with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. haha it's silly i have been praying for you. yes you. yes, it might sound lame, but i pray for people who read my blog. that you may know the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3
i pray that my blog speak life and encouragement. i pray that a glimpse of my life gives hope to love Jesus more.
reflecting made me realize how much i have grown in loving Jesus. but at the same time as i dive deeper into the depths of His love i realize how much i lack the capacity to experience the fullness of His love. i realize just how much i fall short in loving Him the way He loves me. i get frustrated and bothered so much when i can't love Him well. every time i feel like i got everything down in loving Him, i realize i fail in another area. BUT IT IS SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO BE.
it troubles me when i find a weakness in my love. to be lovesick means to be wounded in my heart to love Him. i want to love Him more. there is a pain in my heart to give myself more fully to Him. i want to pay attention to this holy pain in my heart. its a pain where i cry out, "God, i want to give you my all but i have not done it faithfully. i want to experience your all but i do not have the capacity to experience your all. but i will do whatever is necessary to give myself fully, to receive you fully, this is my life dream."
~~~
this summer has been about the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT. GAH. the Holy Spirit is not just for charismatics. let's get it right. we are in the age of the Holy Spirit. after Jesus died on the cross and left the earth, all He left was the Holy Spirit. we can't pretend that it doesn't exist, or downplay His importance, or doubt that we can love Jesus without any relationship with the third Person that is the Holy Spirit. so come Holy Spirit.
ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
1) speak to me Holy Spirit. listening to the voice of God, the prophetic
2) physical healing: just do it. boldness to pray for the sick.
3) asking for visions and dreams every night before i sleep. it works!
just for kicks, 3 things:
1) power for prayer
2) power for healing
3) things that do not make sense will make sense. (as in my life calling). God will be open doors
7.22.2009
His gift of the day
May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.
rom. 15:13
so the mommy gave this verse to me a few months ago. it was on my wall for 2 quarters. and a few days ago, this verse came back. and now it's on andy's job description of spiritual director. hehe.
what does this verse mean? there's so many good words in it. and there's so many ways you can read it. try emphasizing each word in color and you can like write like 9 different sermons just on this one verse. haha! (yes, that is what i think about when i read the bible...not.)
like before, this verse meant to me that our God is a God of hope. hope when emotions, seasons, circumstances are hopeless. today when i was reading it while eating by myself next to biomed, (the highlight of my day) the word was fill. to be filled with Him. hmm. yes. to be filled with joy, peace, and the power of the Holy Spirit. mmm. delicious.
and joy. peace. trust. sounds like Jesus.
and it doesn't stop there: that we may overflow as a result of our soul-filling of Him. with joy. peace. trusting in Him. and as we overflow, we overflow power. Jesus gives us power. power that is not of ourselves, but of Him. of His Holy Spirit. the power to love Him, to love others when we have none. to love deeply in a way we cannot. the power to persevere and press into Him when we are doubtful. the power to love Jesus the way the Father loves Jesus. the power to be joyful when life is mundane. the power to heal. to affirm. to be Jesus to those who need Him. the power to bring usher in the Kingdom of God into a broken world. the power to restore what has been broken. the power to do His will, to usher in Heaven on earth. the power to Kingdom come for His will be done. on earth as in Heaven.
that gives me something to set my gaze on.
thanks Jesus.
~~~
by the way there's a verbal reasoning section for the MCAT and you have to read passages and one of the first sentences reads like this:
Those who opine lose their impunity when the circumstances in which they pontificate are such that generate from their expression a positive instigation of some mischievous act.
i didn't get one word of that sentence. did you? help me, God.
rom. 15:13
so the mommy gave this verse to me a few months ago. it was on my wall for 2 quarters. and a few days ago, this verse came back. and now it's on andy's job description of spiritual director. hehe.
what does this verse mean? there's so many good words in it. and there's so many ways you can read it. try emphasizing each word in color and you can like write like 9 different sermons just on this one verse. haha! (yes, that is what i think about when i read the bible...not.)
like before, this verse meant to me that our God is a God of hope. hope when emotions, seasons, circumstances are hopeless. today when i was reading it while eating by myself next to biomed, (the highlight of my day) the word was fill. to be filled with Him. hmm. yes. to be filled with joy, peace, and the power of the Holy Spirit. mmm. delicious.
and joy. peace. trust. sounds like Jesus.
and it doesn't stop there: that we may overflow as a result of our soul-filling of Him. with joy. peace. trusting in Him. and as we overflow, we overflow power. Jesus gives us power. power that is not of ourselves, but of Him. of His Holy Spirit. the power to love Him, to love others when we have none. to love deeply in a way we cannot. the power to persevere and press into Him when we are doubtful. the power to love Jesus the way the Father loves Jesus. the power to be joyful when life is mundane. the power to heal. to affirm. to be Jesus to those who need Him. the power to bring usher in the Kingdom of God into a broken world. the power to restore what has been broken. the power to do His will, to usher in Heaven on earth. the power to Kingdom come for His will be done. on earth as in Heaven.
that gives me something to set my gaze on.
thanks Jesus.
~~~
by the way there's a verbal reasoning section for the MCAT and you have to read passages and one of the first sentences reads like this:
Those who opine lose their impunity when the circumstances in which they pontificate are such that generate from their expression a positive instigation of some mischievous act.
i didn't get one word of that sentence. did you? help me, God.
7.18.2009
7.07.2009
eyes on Jesus
disclaimer. a lot of my entries aren't meant to be read. they are there just so i can process/rant, and perhaps declare the goodness of God somehow. this is one of them.
i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.
the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.
studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.
yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.
the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.
but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.
too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?
wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.
Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.
i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.
the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.
studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.
yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.
the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.
but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.
too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?
wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.
Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.
7.04.2009
enjoy
this is my family! i miss them alot. haha. God has blessed me sooo much with family. with mommy, daddy, brother rick and sister alicia. i'm soo blessed with good family. i'm so blessed to be able to come home to a family of people who love me in such a deep way. i think especially today, not to many people can come home to such a loving family. not to say that my family is perfect.but it's really amazing what the power of Jesus' love can do. it took Jesus to heal brokenness. it transforms brokenness and turns it into beauty. it transforms hurt, rejection, anger, and turns it into love, a profound love that transcends our imperfections, our flaws. it is a deep sense of love that will always exist no matter what happens.
they are a lot of fun.
brother rick likes to work out. his muscles are really big. i go lifting with him and he spots me and i lift these dinky weights and he's pumping weights the size of car tires. he encouragingly pushes me until i'm sore for an entire week. when we go running i'm always one step ahead of him as i push him a bit harder. it's a pretty cool connection
sister alicia secretly likes me alot but just doesn't want to admit it. HAHA just kidding. she's probably reading this as well. HELLO ALICIA. cause she likes to stalk my facebook and laugh at my ridiculous pictures and complains how it seems like i don't study in college and all i do is eat cause all of my pictures have me eating in them. i brag to her how i'm more popular with all my facebook pictures and she has none. she just laughs cause she thinks i'm such a loser and doesn't believe that i can make any friends HAHA cause of my no manners when i eat and burping in her face and stuff like that. i like to make her laugh. oh yea and she secretly likes it when i take her to every single one of her soccer practices. or when i take her and her friends out to lunch. and i know she secretly admires me and the music i listen to. the other day i was playing tim be told in my car and she was laughing about how i listen to uncool music. until her friend walks into the car the next day and starts singing along and the next day she guilty-ly asks me for the songs. HAHA
and the mother. mommy is pretty cool. i guess i am pretty much a momma's boy. she is everything that i want to be. a mom that walks in the power and love of the Holy Spirit. to radiate Jesus to each patient she sees (she's a nurse). i'm so thankful God put her in my life to be so much to me--a mother, a mentor, a friend, and so much more. to have the privilege to pray together, for her to speak so much life into me.
the father. daddy works so hard. although it's hard cause he talks about money a lot he works hard because he loves me. he is responsible because he only wants the best for me. he travels 3 weeks every month, jet lag and all because he loves me. i couldn't have asked for more.
ahhh i just realized that this is the second time i've talked about my family on this thing. HAHA oh well i'm gonna post it anyways cause i just spent half an hour writing this.
value relationships deeply. relationships are not about the end, but the journey in between. it's like our relationship with Jesus. we don't live for heaven. rather, we live for our day by day walking in the fullness of His presence, constant fellowship with Him.
more waiting upon God has been good. it enables me to be present to God's presence. to be aware of His presence around me not only in the morning as i wait upon Him but to be able to bring that into every aspect of the rest of my day. it's what keeps my passion going. to study His passion for me. His affections for me. to be reminded that I am royalty. I am His favorite one. to sit and enjoy.
6.28.2009
learning
confession: i've been working on this post for....3 days now. haha i never have the time to finish it aoidfja;oja;sldfi
i've been learning alot these days.
1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?
i am called to be a lover of God.
yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.
time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.
my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
my dream is:
I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.
but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.
mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.
my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?
2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.
3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.
4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.
5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.
6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life
7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.
8) treasure relationships deeply
9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.
10) treasure friendships deeply
11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.
i'm still learning.
i've been learning alot these days.
1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?
i am called to be a lover of God.
yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.
time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.
my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.
my dream is:
I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.
but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.
mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.
my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?
2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.
3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.
4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.
5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.
6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life
7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.
8) treasure relationships deeply
9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.
10) treasure friendships deeply
11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.
i'm still learning.
6.18.2009
onething
onething Jesus.
it's the freaking web address to this blog. there was a point where i thought the phrase was really cheesy and something i borrowed from IHOP. but i'm finally beginning to realize the magnitude of this concept to my faith, to my life. i'm realizing the impact psalm 27:4 has on my life, what i strive for, what makes my heart beat. it's what i was created for. that i live for intimacy. Jesus, give me intimacy or give me death. i would rather die than live a lukewarm life. God, i live for onething: to be intimate with You, Jesus. to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God, how i live to gaze upon Your beauty. God, how my eyes were created for onething: to gaze upon your beauty. Jesus, take my eyes off anything that is not You. ministry can even wait. how can i serve when i don't even know the one i'm serving? how can i get caught up in activities and "doing" when i don't even recognize the face of the one i love?
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you, oh Jesus,
and make you known.
intimacy is: our hearts open to the Holy Spirit, to allow Jesus to dwell. it is a sense of knowing God's nearness around us every moment of our conscious awareness. it is a posture of welcoming the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, every moment. intimacy is a sense of desire, to know the Father's heart, the way He knows ours.
waiting upon God is: a longing to wait for His presence, to sit and be still and know His presence is near and upon us. it is a longing to see the beauty of His face. it is sitting in silence, purging our minds of everything but Jesus. to be captivated. it is an exercise of faith, of aligning our hearts with His heart, trading our brokenness for His righteousness. from glory to glory.
God, give me the right heart posture. one that truly, genuinely desires You. one that welcomes You, yearns for You, moans, groans, and desires You. give me a heart like david. a heart that longs to behold your beauty. a heart that hungers and thirsts and will not get rest until i know it is aligned with You to dwell. refine my heart God, set my heart ablaze for You. come Holy Spirit. i love You Jesus.
Jesus says:
heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
where is the house you will build for me?
where will my resting place be?
-is. 66:1
I say to Him:
here oh Lord
have i prepared for you a home
long have i desired for you to dwell
here oh Lord
have i prepared a resting place
here oh Lord
i wait for you alone
God, fill me with your presence.
Jesus, fill me with your Holy Spirit.
never, ever, anything less, God.
it's the freaking web address to this blog. there was a point where i thought the phrase was really cheesy and something i borrowed from IHOP. but i'm finally beginning to realize the magnitude of this concept to my faith, to my life. i'm realizing the impact psalm 27:4 has on my life, what i strive for, what makes my heart beat. it's what i was created for. that i live for intimacy. Jesus, give me intimacy or give me death. i would rather die than live a lukewarm life. God, i live for onething: to be intimate with You, Jesus. to dwell in the house of the Lord forever. God, how i live to gaze upon Your beauty. God, how my eyes were created for onething: to gaze upon your beauty. Jesus, take my eyes off anything that is not You. ministry can even wait. how can i serve when i don't even know the one i'm serving? how can i get caught up in activities and "doing" when i don't even recognize the face of the one i love?
all of life comes down to just one thing
and that's to know you, oh Jesus,
and make you known.
intimacy is: our hearts open to the Holy Spirit, to allow Jesus to dwell. it is a sense of knowing God's nearness around us every moment of our conscious awareness. it is a posture of welcoming the Holy Spirit to live inside of us, every moment. intimacy is a sense of desire, to know the Father's heart, the way He knows ours.
waiting upon God is: a longing to wait for His presence, to sit and be still and know His presence is near and upon us. it is a longing to see the beauty of His face. it is sitting in silence, purging our minds of everything but Jesus. to be captivated. it is an exercise of faith, of aligning our hearts with His heart, trading our brokenness for His righteousness. from glory to glory.
God, give me the right heart posture. one that truly, genuinely desires You. one that welcomes You, yearns for You, moans, groans, and desires You. give me a heart like david. a heart that longs to behold your beauty. a heart that hungers and thirsts and will not get rest until i know it is aligned with You to dwell. refine my heart God, set my heart ablaze for You. come Holy Spirit. i love You Jesus.
Jesus says:
heaven is my throne,
and the earth is my footstool.
where is the house you will build for me?
where will my resting place be?
-is. 66:1
I say to Him:
here oh Lord
have i prepared for you a home
long have i desired for you to dwell
here oh Lord
have i prepared a resting place
here oh Lord
i wait for you alone
God, fill me with your presence.
Jesus, fill me with your Holy Spirit.
never, ever, anything less, God.
ack! so much to write
ahhh its been a while. alot has happened!
finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.
interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.
i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif
ack enough of that.
but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.
You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.
and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.
and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.
~~~
so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.
okay here we go:
i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.
i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.
okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!
finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.
interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.
i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif
ack enough of that.
but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.
You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.
and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.
and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.
~~~
so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.
okay here we go:
i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.
i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.
okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!
6.11.2009
this is the desktop wallpaper on my computer
it's been my desktop for over sixth months now. and for me, that's like a world record because i get bored easily with the appearance of things especially like gmail (praise the Lord for all the variety of themes) and usually change my desktop wallpaper at least once every week. it's like i have ADD or something. woe is me.but i don't think i'm gonna change this wallpaper for a while. probably never. we will see. it conveys an image that i hold very close to my heart. when some people see my wallpaper they are like "oh eric, you are so holy!" and stuff like that but it's not like i'm trying to be holy or anything. it's quite simple. i really love Jesus. and there's no other face i'd rather see than His face. hence, His face on my desktop.
i mean, some people put a picture of their boyfriend/girlfriend, but for me, it's Jesus. hooray! i have Jesus.
but this picture really means alot to me. it is what i live for. it is my purpose in life. when life gets really hectic, when the days fly by, i still need to remember my identity, why i am even put on this earth, why i was created, why i even exist. that i live not for the present, not what is in front of me, but for what is unseen, what is eternal. that one day, i can come face to face with my Lover, my Creator, the one who ravishes my heart, the one whom i yearn for every moment of my life. that i live for one thing, to achieve the prize, to hear Him say welcome home, son, and to give me that embrace, an embrace i have gotten tastes of, oh but i can only begin to imagine what it would be like in heaven!
there are so many images in this picture. first off, the look on His face. it's a mixture of joy, of relief, of comfort, of peace. a yearning finally fulfilled. cause how long He has been waiting for me! that I have finally come home. a look of deep, passionate love.
and i'm in this picture as well! haha. i can only begin to imagine what my face would look like on the other side. probably just a mess. haha. i don't think words can describe it. a mixture of ecstatic joy, so overwhelmed with love beyond my spirit can bear. and as i am in His embrace all my mind can think of is how He loves me so.
and so many other things. in heaven i find Him in all his completeness. the Father's hands welcoming home. the dove, the Holy Spirit descending upon me. Jesus in my embrace. ahhhhhasidfoja;osifdjsd;
and the rainbow. mommy always says the rainbow is a symbol of God's promise. like after he flooded the earth God sent a rainbow as a promise to Noah. and the rainbow is God's promise to me. that this is my purpose: eric fan shi was created for one thing: to love and be loved. that while i am on this earth, as i seek Him and love Him with all my heart soul strength and mind, this is what i will be striving for.
now that gives me a reason to wake up and praise the Lord. even if that means waking up to sit on my butt in the same old room in the same old spot and study and stare at C's and H's and dashes for 15 hours straight. for 5 days straight. well maybe with some breaks.
but this is what i put my hope in. when i get so overwhelmed this is what i hold on to. every breath i take. every moment i'm awake. this is my heartbeat.
5.30.2009
here i go again
here i go again.
a few weeks of intense busy-ness of life. people to appreciate, relationships to invest in, communities to build, year-end closure junks, people to love. it takes alot of time, effort, and energy. and it is draining. people drain me. which proves that i am not a ENFJ as myers-briggs tells me. who does she think she is anyways, she doesn't even know me. no wait. maybe it's a he. whatevers. haha it's just a dumb old test anyways.
i think family is the only place where i can really take refuge in or maybe one other. heh.
and it's during these draining times that the Lord gets pushed away. BOOSIES. it's just hard, really, for my mind, my thoughts, my spirit to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and God's presence throughout the day when i'm always surrounded by people, by appointment times, by wondering who i should meet up with for lunch, a PACKED schedule with zero down time, all this while i feel physically TIRED cause i don't listen to the mother and get my 8 hours of sleep.
and school. heh it feels like i've been on autopilot for school. go to class, take notes, daydream, take a nap, leave.
these last few weeks of school feel a lot similar to the first few weeks. these last few weeks of school remind me of the hectic-ness of zero week, of frosh retreat, of the busy-ness of people, meeting up with people, and more people. and how when i look back on those weeks, how i missed Jesus during those times.
QUESTION OF THE YEAR: how the hecks do i have intimacy with Jesus and at the same time love, that is, deep relationships with what seems like 2394 people? balance. a form of worship i have yet to perfect.
what is this cycle? it's during these times where my introverted-ness kicks in and i really need to do more more MORE waiting upon God. but waiting upon God takes time. and time i do not have.
and now we begin. finals week. camping day after day in the study lounge. oh the study lounge. how i do not miss thee. the cold draft of JK wood is no bueno. and what the hecks is up with this weather man? it's okay praise the Lord for bum weather too! hopefully i can find Jesus in my hours of sitting on my buttocks and memorizing reactions.
i still need to run. that's definitely where i find Jesus. and now i've upgraded to try something new: listening to sermons every once in a while as i run! we will see if that is a good idea. but anyways i will continue to run after God's heart to obtain the prize that is to come to heaven one day and see Jesus face to face and have Him tell me, well done, Eric, you have loved me with all your heart, soul strength, and mind your entire life. it's gonna be so worth it. i only get 1 life to seek Jesus. and i'm gonna do whatever it takes to love Him with all that i gots. i gotta get it right.
and yes. seeking after the presence of God. wanting more. cause there always is more. and when we seek and still don't get more we continue to persevere to seek more. what an abstract concept. but that is Jesus. cause if seeking God was always as easy as asking for an instantaneous sign (which does occur alot don't get me wrong) then it would really give Jesus less value. but when we do seek we find, and when we find, it is more beautiful than we could've ever imagined.
and just fyi from personal experience: the longer we seek the more beautiful Jesus is at end and it is all SO WORTH IT.
okay now this is getting really random.
eternity. try spending a few minutes comprehening it for a little. my mind does cartwheels everytime i think about it haha. i thought about it the other day. it's when life gets so hectic and we get focused with the little things of life i forget about eternity. and that life is much more than time here on earth. and much more than getting bummed over a silly conflict or when something goes wrong. cause it's really not the end of the world. and there are only two things in life that are eternal: Jesus and people. so there's really no point in spending your time investing in anything else in life. so make sure to do a bit of investing in Jesus and people in your life okay?
and the ochem book does not want to be opened.
my heart and flesh cry out
for you the living God
your Spirit's water to my soul
i've tasted and i've seen
come once again to me
i will draw near to you
i will draw near to you
a few weeks of intense busy-ness of life. people to appreciate, relationships to invest in, communities to build, year-end closure junks, people to love. it takes alot of time, effort, and energy. and it is draining. people drain me. which proves that i am not a ENFJ as myers-briggs tells me. who does she think she is anyways, she doesn't even know me. no wait. maybe it's a he. whatevers. haha it's just a dumb old test anyways.
i think family is the only place where i can really take refuge in or maybe one other. heh.
and it's during these draining times that the Lord gets pushed away. BOOSIES. it's just hard, really, for my mind, my thoughts, my spirit to be sensitive to the Holy Spirit and God's presence throughout the day when i'm always surrounded by people, by appointment times, by wondering who i should meet up with for lunch, a PACKED schedule with zero down time, all this while i feel physically TIRED cause i don't listen to the mother and get my 8 hours of sleep.
and school. heh it feels like i've been on autopilot for school. go to class, take notes, daydream, take a nap, leave.
these last few weeks of school feel a lot similar to the first few weeks. these last few weeks of school remind me of the hectic-ness of zero week, of frosh retreat, of the busy-ness of people, meeting up with people, and more people. and how when i look back on those weeks, how i missed Jesus during those times.
QUESTION OF THE YEAR: how the hecks do i have intimacy with Jesus and at the same time love, that is, deep relationships with what seems like 2394 people? balance. a form of worship i have yet to perfect.
what is this cycle? it's during these times where my introverted-ness kicks in and i really need to do more more MORE waiting upon God. but waiting upon God takes time. and time i do not have.
and now we begin. finals week. camping day after day in the study lounge. oh the study lounge. how i do not miss thee. the cold draft of JK wood is no bueno. and what the hecks is up with this weather man? it's okay praise the Lord for bum weather too! hopefully i can find Jesus in my hours of sitting on my buttocks and memorizing reactions.
i still need to run. that's definitely where i find Jesus. and now i've upgraded to try something new: listening to sermons every once in a while as i run! we will see if that is a good idea. but anyways i will continue to run after God's heart to obtain the prize that is to come to heaven one day and see Jesus face to face and have Him tell me, well done, Eric, you have loved me with all your heart, soul strength, and mind your entire life. it's gonna be so worth it. i only get 1 life to seek Jesus. and i'm gonna do whatever it takes to love Him with all that i gots. i gotta get it right.
and yes. seeking after the presence of God. wanting more. cause there always is more. and when we seek and still don't get more we continue to persevere to seek more. what an abstract concept. but that is Jesus. cause if seeking God was always as easy as asking for an instantaneous sign (which does occur alot don't get me wrong) then it would really give Jesus less value. but when we do seek we find, and when we find, it is more beautiful than we could've ever imagined.
and just fyi from personal experience: the longer we seek the more beautiful Jesus is at end and it is all SO WORTH IT.
okay now this is getting really random.
eternity. try spending a few minutes comprehening it for a little. my mind does cartwheels everytime i think about it haha. i thought about it the other day. it's when life gets so hectic and we get focused with the little things of life i forget about eternity. and that life is much more than time here on earth. and much more than getting bummed over a silly conflict or when something goes wrong. cause it's really not the end of the world. and there are only two things in life that are eternal: Jesus and people. so there's really no point in spending your time investing in anything else in life. so make sure to do a bit of investing in Jesus and people in your life okay?
and the ochem book does not want to be opened.
my heart and flesh cry out
for you the living God
your Spirit's water to my soul
i've tasted and i've seen
come once again to me
i will draw near to you
i will draw near to you
5.25.2009
life calling
one simple question:
God, what am i gonna do with my life?
what are my giftings, my passions, my life calling?
shoot.
i just want to lose my life. to gain life.
to love You and be obedient to whatever you call me into.
Jesus, reveal it to me please, as i seek Your face.
God, what am i gonna do with my life?
what are my giftings, my passions, my life calling?
shoot.
i just want to lose my life. to gain life.
to love You and be obedient to whatever you call me into.
Jesus, reveal it to me please, as i seek Your face.
5.17.2009
eph. 3:16-19
God, i pray out of Your glorious riches, may You
strengthen me with power through Your Spirit in my inner man,
so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith.
and i pray that being rooted and established in love, i may have power,
to grasp how wide
and long
and high
and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge--
that I may be filled to the measure of the all the fullness of God.
nothing less, God.
come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart
strengthen me with power through Your Spirit in my inner man,
so that Christ may dwell in my heart through faith.
and i pray that being rooted and established in love, i may have power,
to grasp how wide
and long
and high
and deep
is the love of Christ,
and to know that this love that surpasses knowledge--
that I may be filled to the measure of the all the fullness of God.
nothing less, God.
come be the fire inside of me
come be the flame upon my heart
5.14.2009
intimacy with jesus
is a hot topic of life these days. well maybe only for me. haha
with all this talk about God's presence and revival and being filled with the Holy Spirit and breakthrough i can get really confused sometimes. and confused what really is important in my relationship with Jesus. when it's all said and done, what does revival, the presence of God, and breakthrough mean for me and for those around me? why does it mean more to some people than others? ahhhhh
come on. this is the real deal here! this is so much more than about a really good sermon, or a really spiritually exciting message to stir in us a spiritual/emotional high that lasts a few moments. this isn't about another commitment we make with God to do more quiet time or read the bible more or to pray more. this isn't another conviction, a realization of how far we feel from God, and something that we should go get prayer for and get on with life. this isn't about another promise we make with ourselves or with God about how we will do whatever it takes to be a better christian. it's not about going to church more, to go to bible studies more, to read the bible more, to serve more, to do more devotionals so we can get right with God. it isn't about being more christian and doing more christian things. it's not about religion.
I AM SO SICK OF RELIGION. been there. done that. i still fail and get caught up in it sometimes.
but come on. it is about one thing. how much do you really love Jesus? no but really.
gahhhh i don't know where i'm going with this.
it's hard to love Jesus unless we know who He is. it's hard to love someone we can't see or feel. it's especially hard to love to love someone we don't feel love back from. it makes a lot of sense. if we don't experience God, why would we waste our time with something we don't see or feel or know even exists? of course we'd rather be watching TV cause we can see it and hear it and it makes us happy. or go find a boyfriend/girlfriend cause we can hear them tell us how much they love us and they can hug us and all that lovey dovey stuff.
which is why it's so easy to lose faith. no duh. we get really discouraged because we don't experience God's love for us. we don't experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy in our daily lives. and we get really discouraged. we don't hear Him tell us how much He loves us. so we give up. which is why it's so easy to turn to other things. cause we don't experience God enough!
which is why intimacy with Jesus soo important to me. cause intimacy with Jesus enables me to experience God every moment of my life. intimacy with Jesus allows me to be filled with His presence daily. i value intimacy with Jesus because i know that when i get up each morning and pray and wait upon His presence, I experience Him! i experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy, and His love for me. it fills me up and it gives me a reason to love Him back. to live each day for one thing Jesus.
and once i experience Jesus, i begin to hunger for more. a thirst that wants nothing else but to know Jesus and who He is. to know Him not only in my HEAD but with all my HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH, AND MIND. to do whatever it takes in my life until my heart is fully connected and resonating with every heartbeat of Jesus. i begin to yearn, moan and groan for His presence in my life for the Holy Spirit and i begin to long for a fuller experience of what the love of Jesus really means. it's to the point where i pretty much get addicted to God and if i don't seek out His presence for a while i experience God withdrawal haha and i feel like something isn't right.
intimacy with Jesus. so profound, yet so abstract. so intangible, but so real. so surreal yet so concrete. so simple yet so complicated.
i can't describe what it is like in words. i think i can try but words do no capture the presence of Jesus. head knowledge about what the presence of Jesus is like can never even begin to come close to describing Him. it's like trying to describe disneyland to someone who has never been there before. we can tell them how fun it is, about all the rides, and about the mickey mouse and the whole crew and all that junks but to someone who has never been there, it is just words. one has to EXPERIENCE IT. that's it! we have to experience God to truly know how much He loves us.
which is why we need love encounters. cause once we encounter the love of God we are never the same. we are never the same once we have encountered the love of God.
we need to taste the goodness of God.
taste and see that the Lord is good.
-psalm 34:8
we have to begin somewhere. simply put it is just spending time with Jesus. to open our hearts to experience Him. to look Him in the eye for more than 30 seconds and not be weirded out or distracted. haha dude i never thought it was so hard to look at someone else in the eye for more than 30 seconds.
but that's what Jesus longs for. He freaking created the bajillion cells in our body, all the mitochondria and fatty acids and glucose and junks and yet i still don't have enough time to look at His face and enjoy His love for me. to gaze upon the face that loves me more than i could ever begin to imagine, even given eternity.
relationship with Jesus begins with one thing.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
psalm 27:4
COME ON. i need to get it right. we need to get it right.
intimacy with Jesus or bust. haha jkay. not really. sorta.
with all this talk about God's presence and revival and being filled with the Holy Spirit and breakthrough i can get really confused sometimes. and confused what really is important in my relationship with Jesus. when it's all said and done, what does revival, the presence of God, and breakthrough mean for me and for those around me? why does it mean more to some people than others? ahhhhh
come on. this is the real deal here! this is so much more than about a really good sermon, or a really spiritually exciting message to stir in us a spiritual/emotional high that lasts a few moments. this isn't about another commitment we make with God to do more quiet time or read the bible more or to pray more. this isn't another conviction, a realization of how far we feel from God, and something that we should go get prayer for and get on with life. this isn't about another promise we make with ourselves or with God about how we will do whatever it takes to be a better christian. it's not about going to church more, to go to bible studies more, to read the bible more, to serve more, to do more devotionals so we can get right with God. it isn't about being more christian and doing more christian things. it's not about religion.
I AM SO SICK OF RELIGION. been there. done that. i still fail and get caught up in it sometimes.
but come on. it is about one thing. how much do you really love Jesus? no but really.
gahhhh i don't know where i'm going with this.
it's hard to love Jesus unless we know who He is. it's hard to love someone we can't see or feel. it's especially hard to love to love someone we don't feel love back from. it makes a lot of sense. if we don't experience God, why would we waste our time with something we don't see or feel or know even exists? of course we'd rather be watching TV cause we can see it and hear it and it makes us happy. or go find a boyfriend/girlfriend cause we can hear them tell us how much they love us and they can hug us and all that lovey dovey stuff.
which is why it's so easy to lose faith. no duh. we get really discouraged because we don't experience God's love for us. we don't experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy in our daily lives. and we get really discouraged. we don't hear Him tell us how much He loves us. so we give up. which is why it's so easy to turn to other things. cause we don't experience God enough!
which is why intimacy with Jesus soo important to me. cause intimacy with Jesus enables me to experience God every moment of my life. intimacy with Jesus allows me to be filled with His presence daily. i value intimacy with Jesus because i know that when i get up each morning and pray and wait upon His presence, I experience Him! i experience His favor, His delight, His peace, His joy, and His love for me. it fills me up and it gives me a reason to love Him back. to live each day for one thing Jesus.
and once i experience Jesus, i begin to hunger for more. a thirst that wants nothing else but to know Jesus and who He is. to know Him not only in my HEAD but with all my HEART, SOUL, STRENGTH, AND MIND. to do whatever it takes in my life until my heart is fully connected and resonating with every heartbeat of Jesus. i begin to yearn, moan and groan for His presence in my life for the Holy Spirit and i begin to long for a fuller experience of what the love of Jesus really means. it's to the point where i pretty much get addicted to God and if i don't seek out His presence for a while i experience God withdrawal haha and i feel like something isn't right.
intimacy with Jesus. so profound, yet so abstract. so intangible, but so real. so surreal yet so concrete. so simple yet so complicated.
i can't describe what it is like in words. i think i can try but words do no capture the presence of Jesus. head knowledge about what the presence of Jesus is like can never even begin to come close to describing Him. it's like trying to describe disneyland to someone who has never been there before. we can tell them how fun it is, about all the rides, and about the mickey mouse and the whole crew and all that junks but to someone who has never been there, it is just words. one has to EXPERIENCE IT. that's it! we have to experience God to truly know how much He loves us.
which is why we need love encounters. cause once we encounter the love of God we are never the same. we are never the same once we have encountered the love of God.
we need to taste the goodness of God.
taste and see that the Lord is good.
-psalm 34:8
we have to begin somewhere. simply put it is just spending time with Jesus. to open our hearts to experience Him. to look Him in the eye for more than 30 seconds and not be weirded out or distracted. haha dude i never thought it was so hard to look at someone else in the eye for more than 30 seconds.
but that's what Jesus longs for. He freaking created the bajillion cells in our body, all the mitochondria and fatty acids and glucose and junks and yet i still don't have enough time to look at His face and enjoy His love for me. to gaze upon the face that loves me more than i could ever begin to imagine, even given eternity.
relationship with Jesus begins with one thing.
One thing I ask of the LORD,
this is what I seek:
that I may dwell in the house of the LORD
all the days of my life,
to gaze upon the beauty of the LORD
and to seek him in his temple.
psalm 27:4
COME ON. i need to get it right. we need to get it right.
intimacy with Jesus or bust. haha jkay. not really. sorta.
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