rantings on surrender

like all human beings, i have been created to desire security. whether it's in the area of secure relationships (knowing that i am loved) or a secure future (knowing the next step in life, a secure job etc.), stability gives me peace.

the prayer for God to shake everything that can be shaken is a prayer that shouldn't be taken lightly. it's a prayer that comes from a desire to be shaken from any false security only to be rooted and grounded in Love. the journey of surrender is one where God takes everything that i find security in (relationships, a secure job, etc.) and removes them to show me that ultimate security is found in His character and His leadership alone.

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the prayer to know "God's will for my future" is a popular one. as i look deeper, the desire to know "God's will for my future" actually stems from a desire for security.

i realize my desire for a secure and well planned out future is another way of saying i don't trust God's perfect leadership. in other words, my desire for a neatly-packaged and planned out future is another way of saying i desire something else other than having full trust and surrender to Jesus. as i sit and beat my head and wrestle with God for a clear sense of life direction (just give me a sign, God!), i realize 2 things:
1) He just might never give me that "sign" or "burning bush" experience that we all look for.
2) my desire to know "God's will for my future" is actually a scapegoat, an act of faithlessness, and an indicator that i'm not willing to trust in the moment-by-moment leadership of Holy Spirit--not for now, tomorrow, or the years to come.

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when asked about seeking clarity from God, mother teresa responded:
“Clarity is the last thing you are clinging to and must let go of. I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God.”

i realized that where there is clarity, i no longer need to depend on the Spirit. when i feel "secure" about my life direction, it becomes easy to go about life independent of the Spirit, and i reach a place where it becomes easy to no longer need the leadership of God in my life. so today i've decided that instead of always waiting for a clear answer for my future (God is not a fortune teller), i will wait upon the LORD--and trust in the perfect leadership of Holy Spirit.

from now on, i think i will be okay if i never will be able to know fully "God's will for my future". heck, that takes all the fun Spirit-led experiences out of life. all i need is the moment-by-moment trust in the leadership of Holy Spirit. and that is more than enough for me. so instead of clinging to a "clear life direction", i'm gonna cling to Holy Spirit. such is the cultivation of dependency and surrender to the Spirit.

i love you, Holy Spirit. Your leadership is perfect.

at the end of the day, it's only You

I lift up my eyes to the hills—
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the LORD,
the Maker of heaven and earth.
psalm 121

in the end, all that really matters is that i take one look at Your face and everything else disappears

throwback

O Divine Master, grant that I may not so much seek
to be consoled as to console;
to be understood as to understand;
to be loved as to love.
For it is in giving that we receive;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned;
and it is in dying that we are born to eternal life. Amen

-St. Francis of Assisi

surrender '10

surrender

and the journey of a surrendered soul continues. it's been a process of finding joy in the letting go, where He has asked me to exchange all my short-lived, temporary expectations for His perfect leadership. it's a place where i have learned to let go of everything, as i watch as the waves of His mercy destroy the castles of sand (my own plans for this life) which i've unconsciously built. as i'm swept under the waves of His mercy, His jealous love purges all my hopes and desires put in anything but Him. in this place of desperation, i scramble quickly, and cry out to my only Constant. in His kindness, not only does He come, but He gives me a chance to set my feet on the Rock--my firm foundation, to which i cling to this day.

the purging process is one that leaves me with no agenda and no expectations. a purged soul is one that knows nothing but the thoughts and desires of the indwelling presence of His Spirit. a renewed mind leads to a transformed heart--it is a place where i know nothing but the good, pleasing and perfect will of a good Abba (rom 12:2). here, there is life and peace (rom 8:5). in this rare state of my heart, i can finally scream with all my heart, "all my fountains are in You! my hope is in You alone!"

such are the beginnings of a soul surrendered to the Spirit. it has brought me to a place where i've learned to come into complete agreement with every step He leads me. it's a journey of praise--praising Him for every door He opens as well as every door He closes. because He is a good good Father.

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⁹But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly of my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may rest upon me. ¹⁰For the sake of Christ, then, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and calamities. For when I am weak, then I am strong.
2 corinthians 12:9-10

the pursuit of true joy requires a tearing of the heart. i asked, and He gave. a torn heart is a vulnerable one. a season of weakness tenderizes the heart where i have nowhere to run but into His arms. a tenderized heart postures me in a position to receive from Him, where my Spirit is vulnerable, yet sensitive to each word He is saying to me. each word now pierces the heart in an instant, whereas a for a dull spirit it can take days. a weak heart is a place where i can scream wholeheartedly, "Jesus, You're all i want, You're all i need!"

most people dread seasons of weakness. yet i've finally learned to enjoy them. in fact, i've learned to look forward to them as i anticipate the depths He could take me this time. as i reflect on the past, seasons of weakness have been seasons of desperation. they are the seasons where i have nothing else to hold on to but Him. these are the seasons where the heartfelt cries of psalm 73 become mine: "whom have i in heaven but you? and there is nothing on earth that i desire besides you."

these seasons are rare. but i treasure them deeply. thank You LORD!
You never stop, never stop loving me.

wrestlings of the heart

one of the worst feelings on this journey called faith is when you think you heard Him correctly, were obedient to follow Him through it, only to emerge on the other side realizing perhaps you did not hear Him as well as you thought you did.

or to put it another way, you think He opens a door for you, you enter it, only to realize you might've walked through the wrong door.

mistake? or are we still in step with His perfect leadership?

did you hear Him incorrectly? or are you where you are today because that is where He wanted you in the first place? if so, does that mean we are always where He wants us to be even though it may not be where we would like to be, or even close to what we had hoped for?

Abba, i know Your leadership is perfect.
Abba, i know You know the desires of my heart, but even more so, you know the Desire of my heart--to follow You wholeheartedly. to the ends of the earth, wherever you lead me LORD, i will follow!
but Abba, it's hard. yes, i need to trust in You. yes, i am asking you to open doors, to provide a way for me. yes, i need to let go and give it all up to you. yet,
Abba, where is the joy in the letting go? all this world screams at me that in the letting go, there is only chaos, and i probably end up job-less, purpose-less, without a future, without a hope. okay not really, just being a little dramatic there haha. it's times like these where i want to drop everything and just go to seminary. haha just kiddingggg.

yet, Abba, i know that You are my hope.
all my fountains are in You.

i will keep coming back to You

for all your fountains are in Me
I have everything you need
just keep coming back to Me

those who call upon My name
they will not be put to shame
just keep coming back to Me

personal revelation

a steady gaze doesn't require gritting our teeth and suppressing all our distractions, but an honest acceptance of the thoughts of the mind and inviting the Spirit to speak to us, bringing us into agreement with His constant goodness. here, we find ourselves in a place where we are even closer to Him, more so than if we forced ourselves to focus on Him by fierce determination.

thank you LORD!