eyes on Jesus

disclaimer. a lot of my entries aren't meant to be read. they are there just so i can process/rant, and perhaps declare the goodness of God somehow. this is one of them.

i fail so many times. time and time again i tell myself not to get caught up with myself. not to get caught up with the stress, the conflicts, the burdens of life. not to get caught up with my own thoughts, the "woe is me" thoughts that only make me feel more bum. what still consumes much of my mind are how to best plan my day. to make the best use of my time to maximize my study time, work, and my time with others. i come up with plans how to be productive, and pack my schedule with task after task.

the reality of the daily routine of life can be so mundane. life in itself is really empty. we study our butts off until we find it glued to the surface of an office chair, a desk job, caught up in the cycle of work, of money. we work till we die. no wonder average person's life is filled with more stress, more emptiness, more depression than ever before. where is our purpose? where is the passion, the joy of life? sure, we have entertainment, and friendships and relationships sprinkled here and there. but at the end of the day, it's only you. only you and life. good luck.

studying for MCATs every day of the summer for 2 months straight isn't the best way to spend a summer. biomed library from 9-5 monday-friday isn't joyful. especially when the beautiful san diego sun peeks at you through the windows. its like a jail cell. haha. and dude. the MCATs are hecka depressing. it's like cramming 3 years of undergrad bio/chem/physics into one test. and realizing the competition i am against. g.g. but it's okay. shoot. i have Jesus. i fear nothing.

yet that's where we fail. that's where i fail. each morning i cry out for Jesus' love to fill my life only to find myself taking life as a burden. i long so much for the joy of the Lord to be my strength. i long for His peace to transcend the constant nagging in my mind that i should be studying, doing something productive. i long for balance. yes, to study, to work, but with a totally different mindset. a mindset that is set; set on heaven.

the reality is this: we all live in a mundane world with relatively mundane lifestyles. we go to school, study, work, eat, and sleep. we go through much of the daily routines of our life with glazed eyes, in a stupor, a trance, like the walking dead, concerned only with our next task at hand.

but i don't want that. yes, i am still a part of this world and it's routines but my heart, my mind, my eyes are set on something far greater. i want to live like i'm in heaven. i want abundant life. that my life has purpose, meaning. that every single thing I do is to love, to glorify Jesus. my eyes aren't set on the burdens, the mundane realities of life but on Jesus. i won't allow myself to become so tense, so gripped, consumed, and bound my my life obligations. Jesus, FREE ME from the burdens of life, from my responsibilities, of studying, of a successful ministry, a successful career.

too often my eyes are caught on the wrong things. too often my eyes are caught on circumstances, on my emotions, of comparing myself with others, of how i am not good enough; too often my eyes are stuck only on myself and my problems. and i whine to Him and mope about life being so hard and why is He doing this to me. i'm such a whiner. i complain about why doesn't He just break through in my life. Jesus why don't you just show up? i cry out! what am i doing wrong? sins i haven't repented from? the wrong mindset?

wrong questions! it isn't about myself. truth is, i need to grow up. truth is, God is good, all the time. He just wants to bless me, to love me, He DOES want to break through in my life but He can't because i'm not allowing Him to! truth is, I am God's beloved, His favorite one, I am royalty, His prince and of course He only wants to bless me!
delight yourself in the Lord and he will give you the desires of your heart. ps. 37:4
of course He longs to give me the desires of my heart. He DOES want to give me wisdom and knowledge. but by being such a whiner my eyes are not set on Him. i need to delight in Him. truth is, He does want to pour out his abundant blessings, abundant life into me but my mind is bound. it is bound by the chains of a slave-mindset. i've become a slave to myself, where i will never be good enough, where i will never be satisfied with the state of my life. and with this mindset I expect God to break through? i expect the Holy Spirit to be near when my mind is on the woe-ness of myself? yea right.

Jesus, give me a heart of praise. give me a heart of joy. that comes from you alone. i want to let go of life. show me what that means. I REPENT FROM MY OLD LIFESTYLE. my old thoughts. my thoughts. i'm sorry Jesus, for not fully trusting in your goodness, your love, your power in my life.