lovesick

"if you find my beloved, as to what you will tell him: for I am lovesick."
song of songs 5:8

what does it mean to be lovesick for Jesus? surely it is more than just a fancy word on my profile. urban dictionary says this:

love-sick (adj.)
So deeply affected by love as to be unable to act normally. You awake every morning, thinking on your love, having dreamt of them all night, the pain of separation searing your heart every time a site or smell brings back the memory of your last encounter. Daydreaming, drawing hearts in the sand, constantly thinking "I wish they were here so I could share this moment" even when pulling weeds or walking the dog. The consuming fire within the heart for even one more moment with one's love that defies rational thought, knowing full well, one moment would never be enough, yearning for eternity together.

YES! that is what it is! what a good description. too bad whoever wrote this was probably talking about being lovesick for like his girlfriend. haha. or like that girl you have a crush on but just too afraid to tell her. BUT anyways. funny how holy the definition sounds. it even mentions "consuming fire" of the heart. dang. if only our hearts were consumed with fire for Jesus the way it is consumed for our girlfriend. i mean not that girlfriends are bad. ANYWAYS. if we can feel this way about another person, how much more can i feel this way about my Creator? I am lovesick for Jesus. and i will strive always to be lovesick. nothing short. the end.

that makes a lot of sense. to be so in love with Jesus that i don't even function properly. that my life is wrecked, is ruined (of course, in such a good way) that it is no longer normal. my life has been so ruined that it is no longer normal. because in this world, normal just isn't good enough. normal means we live to go to school, graduate, get an average job, get our white picket fence and 2.5 children, to retire and die. in this broken world, normal means a life that suffers from depression, loneliness, sadness, brokenness, hopelessness, emptiness. normal means seeking after things and relationships in this world only to find out that they do not satisfy. normal means seeking out love that fails us and rejects us. and all we can do is cry.

my life has been ruined. i find myself waking up thinking about Him, before i sleep. i think about Him when i brush my teeth, and many moments when i shower. i daydream with Him as i take the bus to school, He speaks to me as i study. i chat with Him when i eat lunch, and even more when i drive. He goes running with me, and the same goes for each lap i swim in the pool. He speaks to me as i study. We go on dates, and i cook with Him all the time. He is the last person i talk to before i sleep, even as i yearn for Him to speak to me in my dreams. He is so near. a moment with Him is sometimes just not enough, as i yearn to spend eternity with Him.

a few weeks ago marked the 1-year anniversary of this blog. haha wow. yay! what a year! i thought i was such a girl to be blogging. but its okay. i enjoy ranting on this thing and if anyone is interested in what i am saying then they can read. but my intentions one year ago are still the same today. i pray that through this blog and my silly words, people can have a love encounter with Jesus through the Holy Spirit. haha it's silly i have been praying for you. yes you. yes, it might sound lame, but i pray for people who read my blog. that you may know the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom He sent.
"This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." john 17:3
i pray that my blog speak life and encouragement. i pray that a glimpse of my life gives hope to love Jesus more.

reflecting made me realize how much i have grown in loving Jesus. but at the same time as i dive deeper into the depths of His love i realize how much i lack the capacity to experience the fullness of His love. i realize just how much i fall short in loving Him the way He loves me. i get frustrated and bothered so much when i can't love Him well. every time i feel like i got everything down in loving Him, i realize i fail in another area. BUT IT IS SUCH A GOOD PLACE TO BE.

it troubles me when i find a weakness in my love. to be lovesick means to be wounded in my heart to love Him. i want to love Him more. there is a pain in my heart to give myself more fully to Him. i want to pay attention to this holy pain in my heart. its a pain where i cry out, "God, i want to give you my all but i have not done it faithfully. i want to experience your all but i do not have the capacity to experience your all. but i will do whatever is necessary to give myself fully, to receive you fully, this is my life dream."

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this summer has been about the POWER of the HOLY SPIRIT. GAH. the Holy Spirit is not just for charismatics. let's get it right. we are in the age of the Holy Spirit. after Jesus died on the cross and left the earth, all He left was the Holy Spirit. we can't pretend that it doesn't exist, or downplay His importance, or doubt that we can love Jesus without any relationship with the third Person that is the Holy Spirit. so come Holy Spirit.

ASK AND YOU SHALL RECEIVE
1) speak to me Holy Spirit. listening to the voice of God, the prophetic
2) physical healing: just do it. boldness to pray for the sick.
3) asking for visions and dreams every night before i sleep. it works!

just for kicks, 3 things:
1) power for prayer
2) power for healing
3) things that do not make sense will make sense. (as in my life calling). God will be open doors