during winter break at IHOP, the LORD put it on my heart to pray this one prayer:
"LORD, would you remove all things that hinder love"
i thought it was a cool prayer. i heard someone else pray it before and i thought it would be a great thing to pursue as i strive to fall more and more in love with Jesus. i imagined that by praying this prayer, i would begin to fall more in love with Jesus, and life would become...peachy. (peachy is a cool word. i'm gonna use it more)
so i did. for a week straight, this was the cry of my heart: that the LORD would remove anything that hinders my love for Him. and that all compromise would be removed. the LORD gave me song 2:15:
"catch for us the foxes, the little foxes, that ruin the vineyards, our vineyards that are in bloom" (song 2:15)
after praying that prayer for about a week, i fell in love with Jesus forever and all my problems went away forever. the end.
not.
after praying that prayer, life began to...suck. suck because He began to surface every ugly, icky, and nasty thing in my heart that i didn't even know existed. painful. things like pride. emphasis on my own reputation. a fear of man and what others thought of me. judgmentalism. and a pharisee spirit. oh no. i didn't want to believe it. as He slowly but kindly withdrew His presence (song 5:6), just a tiny bit, doubt instantly began to flood in. He revealed to how much i came to Him just for emotional gratification. ack. He revealed...a spirit of religion. oh no. and that i had turned my pursuit of Him into a performance-driven game. a drive for perfection in my worship of Him. that i had turned my love relationship with Him into something where it was about me doing all the "right" things to earn His love and whatnot. a feeling of obligation in my "burnt offerings and sacrifices". whereas all He wants from me was a "broken and contrite heart" (ps.51:16-17)
i had forgotten about grace. i had lost sight of the cross. i had lost the heart of worship amidst the "healthy" lifestyle worship that i was apparently immersed in. He revealed...self righteousness. a pursuit of Him which had become all about me seeking Him. and about me doing the right things to the point where i don't need Him anymore. blehhhhhh.
and at the time, i was frustrated with Him. i was thinking, "LORD, i just wanted to fall more in love with you. why do i now feel farther from that goal than ever before?"
He began to discipline me. and i had asked for it without knowing it. and looking back, it was the most beautiful place to be.
beautiful mercy, do what You have to do. (song 4:16)
oh, how He loves me.
~~~
leaning.
i've been wrestling with whether to live from a place of weakness vs. strength.
i've chosen weakness. well actually, let me explain.
i've realized that it's in my weakness where i need Him. when i am strong i don't need Him because i feel like i have everything under control. but it's in my weakness where i cling on to Him and the cross and it is there where i am STRONG
this past season, He kindly revealed to me my barrenness. He graciously showed me my weakness. and He has brought me to a place of needing Him more than ever before. He has shown me my weakness and my need for the cross. because without Him, i am nothing. without His beautiful mercy, His grace, i am nothing. so i need Him. i need the cross. i need His grace.
i came out of this season...weaker than before i came into it. i would like to think that if i were to mature, i would become stronger. but His kingdom is an inside-outside-upside-down kingdom. where the last shall be first. and where we go lower to get higher. and we hide and do things in secret if we want to be seen by God. anyways.
i've realized that on this side of eternity, my "maturity" is realizing my weakness and embracing my weakness. because when i become weaker, He becomes stronger. i cling on to Him more than ever before.
i call it leaning. (song 8:5)
~~~
more of you, less of me.
"i know Your fire can hurt, but i would be worse here without You.
come and take all these chains that get in the way of what You want.
"hold me, break me, mold me and make me more and more like You"
these lyrics took on a new level. they aren't just some nice-sounding, holy music that we sing to make ourselves look super spiritual. but it is painful. we are asking to be broken. who enjoys being broken? who likes molding? and changing something about ourselves?
a call to follow Jesus is not an invitation to a peachy life. or a life full of peaches. or whatever. a passion to love Jesus with all our hearts isn't a walk down lover's lane every moment of it. a strive to be lovesick is not a comfortable place where the sun is shining, the birds are singing, and the grass is greener and you and Jesus are having a blast. in heaven, yes. but while on earth, in our broken bodies, we get glimpses of it. but fullness? not yet.
a call to follow Jesus is a call to die. no one wants to die. it is a call for holy abandonment. it is a call to pick up our cross and follow Him, that meaning to die to our old self, our comfortable ways, our reputation, our self-image, our plans, dreams, to make sacrifices of what our flesh enjoys, what is of value to us because we choose to say YES to Him. because He is so much more worth it!
it is a call that we may decrease so that He may increase. this is what the all-consuming fire looks like. a call to love Jesus is an agreement to allow Him to refine us. to purge us of our old selves. and at first we may seem like a sucky place to be, a painful place, where God is ignoring us and inflicting so much pain and sorrow on us. whereas in reality, it is the most beautiful place to be,a place where He is taking you to the deeper things of Him.
more of you. less of me. thanks joe.
~~~
revival.
it's easy to sing songs where we ask God to "have it all, to consume our hearts with His jealous love, to purge us with His jealous flame". with a nice tune and a rock beat, we feel pretty "spiritual" when we sing about it, me included. but what if we actually meant every word with all our hearts? do we dare to ask God to break us? do we dare to ask God to wreck us, to wreck our lives with His love? or are we too scared to go that deep with Him? or we're scared to being too radical? hmm...
maybe that's what revival looks like. like phil said, maybe revival in our lives is something that will hurt.
but in the end, it will be worth it all.
~~~
prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer prayer intercession prayer prayer prayer
i asked Him to give it to us and He did. here we go. watch out devil. kingdom's gonna come.
