unoffended heart

as i follow Jesus there have been many moments where my heart becomes offended. it happens most often when I think that i've heard the LORD correctly on one thing, prayed about it, take a risk and step into that direction, only to get the door slammed shut on me. it's one of the most painful experiences in the world. it hurts because throughout it all, i had thought the LORD's hand was upon me and guiding me. throughout it all, i had been trying my best to discern and follow Jesus wherever He was leading me, and all of a sudden i feel alone, abandoned, and "set up" by God for disappointment. it's painful because it breaks trust, and my confidence in my ability to discern and hear from the LORD, and on top of that it's a blow to my faith in a loving, good God that has the best intentions for me. however, as i look back, such feelings were but temporary.

You turn things upside down!

Shall the potter be regarded as the clay,

that the thing made should say of its maker,
   "He did not make me";
or the thing formed say of him who formed it,
   "He has no understanding"? 

is 29:16

the journey of trusting the perfect leadership of an invisible God is one that requires an unoffended heart. it's one that has to embrace the hard fact that following Jesus isn't a peachy and easy road where things will always go our way. in fact it's never even about our way to begin with. as i reflect on my past 4 years at UCSD (and even prior to that) there were many moments where life has just not gone as i had expected. (during such moments i would sigh, "oh life"). unanswered prayers, circumstances, hardships and conflicts in relationships, academics, ministry, or life calling have left me in places where i really question God's good intentions for me.

the weird thing is that the best way God has grown my heart is to offend it. it's one of those upside down kingdom paradoxes that God uses to mature my heart and my trust in His leadership. the journey of surrender is a journey of death to self. by His grace He wrecks my plans and expectations only to ask do you still trust me, Eric? even now? once i'm here i realize i have no where to turn but into His sovereign, perfect will for my life. He intentionally allows life to go a way that offends my heart, and He leaves me with the invitation to see if i will still trust that His ways are higher (is 55:9), and His ways are better, that He is still for me, cares for me, and that He still loves me. He breaks down my pride and my self-confidence apart from Him, only that i would come out leaning. little did i know that during my self-pity sessions, He knew the end of the story, that i would come up from the wilderness leaning on Him. and i will lean! for He always knows what is best for me. 

today, i'm left at a place where i know that regardless of any current circumstance, trial, tribulation, or struggle, all are but light and momentary afflictions that are producing in me an eternal weight of glory (2 cor 4:17-18). in His kindness the LORD offends my heart so that i would learn to cultivate an unoffended heart, for blessed are those who are unoffended in Him (matt 11:6). through this process i come out leaning, confident that my life is not my own, and i begin to live with a perspective of eternity--that life is far more than what is seen. 

His left hand is under my head, 
and his right hand embraces me!
SOS 2:6