spirit of revelation

studying for finals...

not.

one of the most beautiful gifts the Holy Spirit gives me (He gives His children a lot of good gifts :) ) is the gift of revelation.

there are moments where i find myself drowning in doubt, insecurity, apathy, dullness, self-pity, confusion, selfish thoughts, the "woe-is-me" complaint, whining, and simply doubting His leadership and His ways in my life. like, "LORD, do you really make all things work together for my good?...even now?...look at the way i'm feeling!" it is a place where everything about Him, His love, affections, seem so...meaningless. it is a place where the truths of His character, and His Word are like blunt arrows that fail to pierce, let alone scratch the surface of a heart of stone, a body of dry bones.

but the moment He releases the Spirit of revelation upon me, it is like i have stepped into heaven. it's the Holy Spirit's way of breathing life into me, and everything begins to make sense. sometimes it leaves me in tears, or on my knees, mostly just speechless, but it always leaves me never the same.

too often i find myself struggling with knowing His goodness. simply put, it's hard for me to know that He is good when i don't feel like He is good. and i don't feel His joy, love, and affections. that's where the disconnect is.

yet, after revelation, i am left with nothing but praises. i am left with praises because He has been kind to give me a revelation of His truth. it's like a kiss of the Holy Spirit, whisper of His voice that changes everything. it now becomes easier to praise Him, because He has given me this revelation. i can't help but to give praise. it's an experience of His truth. from the head to heart. and i feel it. after revelation it's like, DUH. of course the LORD is good. i call it my DUH moment. a.k.a. getting owned by God. anyways.

He leaves me in a place where i'm like LORD, how could i have doubted? of course Your ways are good! of course Your leadership is perfect in my life! and He leaves me overwhelmed and in tears over how much He really loves me. and that He is really for me, not against me. and everything He does just screams "i love you" and everything He does says "i care". and i'm overwhelmed by just how good and kind He is to me, and the ways He works.

and because of this revelation, now i actually feel like praising Him, i feel like i have a reason to praise Him, and thanking Him for His goodness and the ways He works. praise now becomes so much more easy. oh happy day!

it kind of reminds me of the israelites...and their struggles in the wilderness...a pattern that goes something like:

1) woe is us! God, you have left us to die! whine whine.
2) God is like "okay, fine, let me show you that i'm still faithful" so He shows up and delivers them
3) israelites are happy. "yay God! we praise you!"
and after a few years...
4) return to step 1

hmm...

yet LORD, you desire me to praise you even when i am lacking in revelation. you desire me to trust even when i lack reason to. Jesus, you are worthy even when i don't feel like it, or when i don't even know why i should praise. Jesus, teach me to praise even without revelation! i want to praise even when the revelation of your goodness hasn't been made to me at the moment. Yet, based on my past experiences, past revelations, past knowledge of your goodness, and what you did on the cross, because you are Creator and LORD of LORDS...BECAUSE YOU HAVE GIVEN ME BREATH IN MY LUNGS, i still have the ability to praise. i still have the desire to thank you for your kindness, your goodness, your mercy, your grace.

and isn't that what faith is all about? to press in, to persevere? to hope, to trust in a Jesus that has yet to return in all His fullness? (hurry, LORD!) to believe in a salvation we can't see? to trust in a God that has yet to fully reveal His manifest presence to us, His shekinah glory? to believe in restoration, in healing, in HIS SOVEREIGNTY AND GOODNESS in a world where we only catch glimpses of them, and the fullness of His revelation is yet to be made known?

now isn't that the faith we are called to? and isn't that the gap (ezekiel 22:30) in which we stand in the place of intercession? to be that voice in the wilderness. and to proclaim with boldness, the message of Jesus, a message of hope for the world, one that has yet to be revealed in it's fullness. as lovers of Jesus isn't that what we live for? to grab hold of His goodness in world of brokenness? to love Him, to bow down to Him in worship and praise in a world that has yet to call Him worthy? a world that has yet to see and experience a revelation of the fullness of His splendor and majesty?

because once He returns it's easy for anyone to praise Him. once the fullness of revelation comes, once we see Him face to face, we will all have our DUH moment, as we surrender to the fullness of His glory. oh the glory. for many, it will be costly. (give us souls, LORD!)

which is why it's not about the end, but the journey that counts. hmm. thanks Jesse.

i'm not gonna wait until He comes. because He came already, 2,000 years ago. not only did He come, but 2,000 years ago, He said YES to me and hung on a tree. that's all the revelation i'm ever gonna need.

until then, i'm throw aside my own emotions and feelings, and i'm gonna praise Him. i'm gonna love Him, i'm gonna trust Him to the end. i want to be found faithful up to my last breath.

if we could see how much you're worth, your power, your might, your endless love, then surely we would never cease to praise you.