self-discoveries

1) i can't lie to save my life. i can't keep a straight face if my life depended on it. i just can't. is that a good or bad thing? that's just the way He made me i guess.

2) i like to over-think everything. as a result, i have a tendency to never say what i mean and i never mean what i say because before i say what i want to say i have already over-thought it and weighed every single option (the response i would get, the other person's reaction, etc.), and i end up having to choose from quite a few options depending on what response i think i would get, making the entire situation a whole lot more complicated than it actually was, but i can't really help it because you can't just tell your brain not to think! (or can you?) so...never talk to me! actually, it'd be nice if you still did talk to me, just be keep in mind my weird-ness.

3) i discovered that i have a longing for attention and a yearning for emotional intimacy from other people. (do you? maybe we all do, who knows? and maybe it's because He created us all that way?) but i thought that my introverted-ness combined with an acceptance from Him would cancel the need for being accepted by anyone else. hence i would be satisfied with going to class and then home to enjoy my "alone time" spent mostly with Him.
and yet, knowing there is no substitute for Jesus, i still find myself scrambling to find acceptance from others. i just want to be loved. and know that i am special to someone. (yes, LORD, i know i am special to you! but is it wrong to desire to know that i'm special to other people?) shouldn't You be able to fill my every desire? or can i really just not isolate myself and spend time with You all the time? or is it something deeper? like a fear of rejection from other people? hmm. perhaps i should read "rejection and praise of man" by bob sorge (good book) another time through.
i really thought having Him alone would be enough to satisfy my every need, until last year Ryan preached on gen. 2:18, where God said "it is not good for the man to be alone." so God created eve and eventually, more people came into this world to be friends with adam. yay! apparently, this was implying that an adam-God relationship was not enough. i still wrestle with that point. (Jesus, you alone must be more than enough!)
and i still have not figured it out. where is the balance between alone time and other-people time? there's a part of me that wants to escape with you, and there's another part that longs to hang out with others.
which leads me to my next discovery...

4) i got worse (or maybe i'm just bad) at making/maintaining friendships. if you're reading this and you're not a random blog-stalker, you're probably a victim of this fault of mine. i am bad at initiating anything; honestly, i'm pretty sure that most of my hang-outs are when someone else initiates with me. yes, i'm learning a lot about my introverted-ness, realizing that i like to be alone but i'm beginning to wonder if i'm just simply being...antisocial. heh...because sometimes i realize that i isolate myself from others (a way of self-protection from rejection?) but i actually want to hang out. yepp. selfish of me? perhaps. anyways...which leads me to...

5) i am a very self-centered person. i think about myself way more than i think about Him or about others. in fact, a lot of the times if i do think about others (and even Him) is when he/she can benefit me. yepp. pretty horrible. (i give you permission to hit me next time you see me).
well, i'm sorry. i'm sorry to you, my friend-who-reads-my-blogs, if i have used you to satisfy my selfish desires. i'm sorry if i love myself more than i love you. i can't help it. i am still a work-in-progress. i'm still learning how to love you the way God loves you. an unconditional selfless love. love that isn't self-seeking.
and i'm sorry, Jesus. i'm sorry for the times i've used You as a crutch or someone to make me feel good. i'm sorry for the times i desired your Spirit only for ministry. i'm sorry for the times where my love was conditional. i don't want Your blessings, i just want You. i want You for who you are. i want to get rid this spirit of self-focus and replace it with a YOU-focus. i want to be FREED from self-focus and be given a YOU-focus because You said there would be JOY in doing so.

6) the art of saying NO. i have a really hard time learning how to say no. to anything. people, hangouts, favors, (and food). even at the expense of my inconvenience/burden. i hate rejecting people period, and when they ask me for a favor, and honestly, 99% of the time i really don't mind saying yes to the things i say yes to. it's just that i need to be more assertive and confident in knowing what i want, which leads me to my next point...

7) i am not a very assertive person. i am a very indecisive person. that sucks because men should always know what to do and take the lead. but i end up not being assertive because my honest desire is for others to have their way and be happy, which will make me more happy, more so than if things went the way i wanted it to. i'd rather self-sacrifice at my own inconvenience, and go with another's preference than my own, because it would make them happy. i'm working on becoming more assertive!!

8) my mom had a lot to say about numbers 5 and 6. she would tell me that self-sacrifice isn't about me being a nice person, but that my opinions actually matter, and that my thoughts and my existence is worth something. thanks mommy. i'm still learning!

9) why is it that it's always during finals week where 23492341 come crashing down? an excuse not to study? i just have more time to think? i just don't know.