wrestling...and psalm 25...and personal rants

why oh LORD? why the wrestling? why is a heart so difficult to conquer, even when the owner is willing? (i stole that from someone). have You not already won my heart? yet how i forget!

why do i wrestle?
You'd rather not wrestle with me,
rather,
i'm the one that engages in the wrestling with You.
i don't like to wrestle.
but i do it anyways.
i wrestle because my love is broken.
i wrestle because my love is weak.
if my love were more mature, wholehearted, abandoned, and jealous, perhaps i'd wrestle less.
if life went my way, i'd be able to love you to the way you love me.
but it's not that way
so until then, i'm going to have to wrestle.
i wrestle because i want to love You.
even though you're going to win
even though you've won already
on this side of heaven, i'm going to wrestle
until the day i see you face to face.

~~~

psalm 25.

i've been stuck on this psalm for like a week now.
usually i meditate on a psalm until i get breakthrough or until He says something to me or until He tells me to move on to the next psalm.

but He told me to stay on this one. for 6 days to be exact. so i did.

¹ To You, O LORD, I lift up my soul.
² O my God, I trust in You;
Let me not be ashamed;
³ Indeed, let no one who waits on You be ashamed;

⁴ Show me Your ways, O LORD;
Teach me Your paths.
⁵ Lead me in Your truth and teach me,
For You are the God of my salvation;
On You I wait all the day.

this psalm is like one of the many truths that come with getting to know my Lover: easier said than done. easier to know these truths, memorize it, and store them somewhere in the deep abyss of my mind than to walk it out and know it with my heart. oh, that You would give me grace to walk in love!

and He spoke.

somewhere in the wrestling,
in the contending,
in the striving,
i made it about me me me me me me ME
in my wrestling,
i became consumed in self-focus
and self-determination to love and pursue Love.
thereby altogether losing sight of Love.
once again, i come face to face with my friend:
mr. performance-driven spirit (you must die).

but honestly, God
i just want your presence
i must have His presence.
i must have you, Holy Spirit!
if i don't have You, i have nothing.

i'm sorry LORD for the thing i've made it.
i'm sorry Abba for turning Love into a game
where i have to know all the right things
and where i must do all the right things
and do all the right motions
sorry Abba that i'm very good at being able to complicate love and make it about something more than just You.

i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
i don't need to do anything to earn Your love
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more
nothing i do can make You love me more

each time i catch myself striving, He reminds me to stop.
each time i find myself wrestling, He tells me to give up.
because we both know that He always wins. (i stole that part also)

and He tells me to wait. because there's joy in the waiting. and as i wait, He does the work in my heart. and the work He does is so much greater than any of my striving. i call that grace. as i wait, He overcomes me and He wins my heart once again. such grace!

waiting. to the end. because no one who waits upon the LORD will ever be ashamed.

~~~

Holy Spirit, You are like a dance.
as i wait, i wait for You to lead me.
i wait until our hearts connect
a place where movements of Your heart and my heart become in sync, in unity
but i must wait,
because you take the lead by whispers
i must wait

~~~

Love is:
learning to depend on my Abba.
it is learning to lean on my Lover,
and learning to wait upon my LORD.

Love is:
learning to be purged from self,
to empty myself,
to die to myself.
it is to surrender and let go of myself
only to be filled, consumed, and possessed by the freedom of You, Holy Spirit.
to have life and life to the full (also known as joy)

Love is:
to hope, to trust, to have faith in my God.
to gaze, to seek, to behold His presence
to dwell in His house, all the days of my life
to walk, to abide, to fellowship, to talk with my Friend.

Love is:
just to be with Him.