wrestlings of the heart

one of the worst feelings on this journey called faith is when you think you heard Him correctly, were obedient to follow Him through it, only to emerge on the other side realizing perhaps you did not hear Him as well as you thought you did.

or to put it another way, you think He opens a door for you, you enter it, only to realize you might've walked through the wrong door.

mistake? or are we still in step with His perfect leadership?

did you hear Him incorrectly? or are you where you are today because that is where He wanted you in the first place? if so, does that mean we are always where He wants us to be even though it may not be where we would like to be, or even close to what we had hoped for?

Abba, i know Your leadership is perfect.
Abba, i know You know the desires of my heart, but even more so, you know the Desire of my heart--to follow You wholeheartedly. to the ends of the earth, wherever you lead me LORD, i will follow!
but Abba, it's hard. yes, i need to trust in You. yes, i am asking you to open doors, to provide a way for me. yes, i need to let go and give it all up to you. yet,
Abba, where is the joy in the letting go? all this world screams at me that in the letting go, there is only chaos, and i probably end up job-less, purpose-less, without a future, without a hope. okay not really, just being a little dramatic there haha. it's times like these where i want to drop everything and just go to seminary. haha just kiddingggg.

yet, Abba, i know that You are my hope.
all my fountains are in You.