dangit i want to write on this more!

darn this quarter feels busy to the max to the point where i want to write on this but i never get the time to so i secretly keep a list of the things i want to talk about on my post-it note thingy application on my desktop, where i also keep like 5 other lists of self-notes which my sister makes fun of all the time. okay that's enough sharing of my secrets haha.

first concert ever last week. hillsong! was super cool. i mean how can you go wrong with hillsong and Jesus music? and melt-your-heart-voice-of-an-angel brooke fraser? (praise the Lord for her gift). but i realized i can't recieve too much during concert-worship. not too much Holy-Spirit Jesus work. i'd prefer IV worship band any day hehe.

i am super excited for dorm team next year. God totally blessed me with a super solid team. i can't wait to work with Michelle Eunice and Jordan. what a holy bunch. shoot. i couldn't have asked for anything better! and better yet, we all seem to really value intimacy with Jesus and prayer like alot. like as our number one value in our relationship with Jesus. wahoo!

recently, life is about two questions: 1) why the heck do i want to do dorm team again, and 2) what am i gonna do different next year?

the other day, i made a discovery about myself. i never really realized how much i value intimacy with Jesus. i thought that was like a given. i know my number one goal in life, above all else, is to have an intimate relationship with Jesus. to know His presence in my life. once i know His presence in my life, only then can i make His presence be known in the lives of others.

so, the question is, how does intimacy with Jesus play out in such an evangelism-oriented ministry like dorm team? i mean shoot. to be honest, if i really had life my way, i just want to spend my entire life sitting at Jesus' feet and loving on Him. and spend all my time getting to know His presence and drawing near to Him. i realized i'm sorta selfish in that way. that sometimes, i want Jesus all for myself, that I want to spend all my time with Jesus, praying and whatnot, and not make the effort to share Him with others. but, like andy said, we have all of eternity in heaven to enjoy Jesus! (that's not to say that we shouldn't spend time with Jesus now). Jesus put us on this earth for a reason. He put me on this campus for a reason. and i want to make the most of it. i want to make the most of my time and relationships in these 4 short years and have no regrets that I did my best in loving those around me during college. and after a year of dorm team, i have really come to realize what Jesus meant when He said, "the harvest is plentiful, but the workers are few". ahhhhhhh. there seems to be so much work here to do on this campus. so many lost sheep. and as i get intimate with Jesus i really begin to see His heart for the lost. and if Jesus' heart breaks for the lost, i pray that my heart would too.

and what will i do differently next year? hmm. we shall see. honestly, i don't know what to expect. i can't promise that i will be able to dorm as much as i am probably expected to. i know is that my heart is not naturally programmed to be super pumped about going into the dorms every single night. but what i do know is what i have to offer. i know that God has given me certain gifts and my passions that He has put into me. i know that I am willing to be stretched even more than i have been this year. i know that i will try my best to love the freshmen in the dorms the best that I can. i know that i will not be silent when given opportunities to share Jesus with freshmen.

okay another thing. i'm really reflecting on what i have learned this year. i'm not done yet but i have a few things.

i realized my life is about relationships. it is about a relationship with Jesus, and during my time on earth, my relationship with those around me. it is about embracing the moments of life, of my relationships. with God, i realized this year that i can get so caught up in a goal, in a vision, a drive that i must do something for God in order to please Him. there were moments when i realized that my drive to succeed, to have a good ministry was all that mattered to me. and when i look back there are many times where i realized that i failed. i realized that i couldn't do enough, that i just didn't do enough.

cause the last thing i wanted this year was mediocrity in my ministry and here i am like, God, i just want to change the world for you that's all, but in reality God does not need me to do anything. it isn't about what i can do for God, but what He already did for me. but yes. as i got caught up in ministry, there were moments i forgot about the good that God was doing in my life.

and oh yes, my season.

insert pseudo-journal entry that i wrote in an email:
during this season i really feel like God is reminding me of my identity, my calling, of who He created me to be, in relation to this year of ministry and all these cool things I have done for Jesus. during this season, i really feel like God is reminding me about where i find my significance, my value. yes, i know i find my value in God, but i realized i often found my value in how much i could do for God. yes, He called me to do ministry this year on dorm team but i found myself trying to please God, almost performance-driven cause i didn't want to settle for mediocrity. as i hit where i am now these few weeks, i really feel like God is asking only for one thing. that is my heart. God was reminding me about the relational aspect with Him, and not about having the best ministry, because He is well pleased with me, dorm team leader or not, as was God pleased with Jesus even before Jesus did any ministry.

i mean it's not like my heart wasn't into ministry. cause it was. but somewhere in the process i got ahead of myself and Jesus.
it hit me randomly one day. what i needed to hear the most during this season is that he loves me, the plain and simple verse that i almost overuse when i pray for others: "this is my son, whom i love, with him i am well pleased". it was something that i need to pray over myself. i wanted to hear Jesus tell me that He loves me

yes, i realized i had forgotten about my relationship that is Jesus. i had forgotten about my moments with Him. how good it was to wake up to be reminded of His nearness, His favor over me. how good it was to go through my daily routine of life to know His nearness, His presence in me. to have His peace that transcends all the busy-ness of life. how good it was to listen to a worship song and be brought to tears as it hit the very core of my heart.

yes life is about moments, moments in relationships with those around you. gahhhh this year is almost over. where did this year go? i need to begin embracing each and every moment.

like when you are studying really late at giesel at like 1am and you didn't eat dinner and you are really hungry and your good friend goes and buys you a whopper jr. and you eat it tastes like the best thing you have ever eaten in your life. and you are so thankful for your friend. beef, onion, ketchup, pickle, tomato, sesame bun goodness. heaven in your mouth. until it is gone in 3 bites :(
or like when you and your good buddee make sushi and even though it is super ghetto and janky and not legit cause you didn't use a sushi roller-thingy, you eat it together and it tastes soo goood because 1) you both are too hungry and 2) you love each other too much to care otherwise.
okay those two were both about food haha okay how about...
or when you spend late nights praying at snakehead crying out for intimacy and for our campus with super passionate freshmen who genuinely want to see Jesus come in their lives and on this campus. don't let the fire die out, Jesus.

ahhh Jesus, help me to embrace more of it.

okay i wrote alot. which means i need to blog more.