the cross

the other day i was waiting upon the Lord during morning prayer at my newest discovery, this one special place at warren canyon. i think it's my new secret place now. it's like this secluded seat that faces the canyon next to CV, and its like my new super holy place.

i really feel like i'm going through some mehhh season but i really don't know what it is. and i never really liked the term "season", cause i know God is good all the time. and i don't want my emotions to determine whether i am in a good or bad season with God. but i really do feel like God is putting in me a deeper yearning for Jesus' presence like never before, to hunger for it more, to thirst for it more. i mean, what is intimacy with Jesus anyways? to know His presence so well and tangibly, to know Jesus' heartbeat, to know Jesus' love for me with the very core identity of who I am, and not just a really good feeling. but to be so filled with the Holy Spirit 24/7 that i would wake up and go to bed knowing that the presence of God is upon me. that's what I want and long for, and i will continue to seek after it for the rest of my life. i will not stop.

anyways, as i was waiting upon God i totally got this image of the cross. i got it like before once over the summer. i think cause especially with easter a few days ago, i have really been trying to embrace the cross.
i realized i had this teensy bit of doubt of the power of the cross. like did Jesus really die for me? i mean, did Jesus really have me in mind as He hung on that cross and died 2000 years ago? i mean did Jesus really die for each and every one of the the billions of lives that have come and gone since that day, including me?

anyways, on the cross was Jesus, and He was in so much pain. and He looked down upon me and he was like almost weeping or something. sort of like, "eric, how could you ever doubt?" and i'm like, oh Jesus, i'm so sorry.
but i knew Jesus was inviting me to embrace the cross. so i did. and a fresh sense of Jesus' love for me filled me up. i began to weep. and all i could do was embrace the cross. and sit there forever. and ever. and weep. it was quite beautiful.

it's living water i desire
come flood my heart with holy fire
rain down,
my heart is dry but still i'm singing
rain it down

~~~

all of my life
in every season
you are still God
I have a reason to sing,
I have a reason to worship

Jesus, you are so faithful