ack! so much to write

ahhh its been a while. alot has happened!

finals week was a blur, moving out, graduation, 9 hour drive to norcal, adjusting to home, coming home to the blessing that is my family, and yes. the blessing that never realized just really how blessed i am to be able to come home to forerunner church. and with that, Jesus, Holy Spirit, intimacy, and more Jesus. oh how i have missed thee.

interesting thing on the drive down: i was dead tired (4 hours of sleep) and the rest of my car was asleep so what better to do than worship in my car with my favorite coast CD. wahoo! and thus began major reflection time.

i realized i was getting negative thoughts about the year. God definitely blessed warren college with a loving community. great. wonderful. praise the Lord. BUT GOD is that it? and God i know there's so much more to You that wasn't revealed this year, and is it my fault? did i fail? God, there were so many times this year where during ministry things just didn't feel right. it felt soo...forced? soo...not myself...so artificial...so much about...me getting something done for you?...sooo many logistics....so much planning...so much about me making my own ministry plans to do something for you?...me forcing that GIG to happen even though it felt so...not right....but God, i was only trying to do the right thing, to evangelize and whatnot but it felt soooo forced....like all those times dorming....where it was so clear they just didn't care what i had to say about Jesus...and my men's group?....God, you gave me freshmen guys to pour into and i did but there was such a big DISCONNECT, God, it's like i'm sharing this whole different side of you but becuase God, they have never encountered your love, God, you are just a religion to them. God forgive me for judging. but God, where are your signs and wonders? where are your life-changing stories? God, where is the Holy Spirit? God, WHERE IS REVIVAL? WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DISCONNECT? God, i feel like i've poured out sooo much....to be so excited for you, pour out my heart, but only to see it fall upon closed ears, no one seems to allow you to be more than just a bible study, a good large group talk, where is the hunger, the desperation, the thirst, God, where is the passion?...God...where is my fruit? and how did i really impact the campus this year? i was struggling enough trying to balance my own intimacy with Jesus and school work and men's group failed and a;sopdifja;soi;alifj;lsdif

ack enough of that.

but then the song "Lord, let your glory fall" came up and with that, the Holy Spirit. and how good it felt! i put the song on repeat for the rest of the drive.

You are good, You are good, and Your love endures, today.

and a tangible presence of God began the fill the car and then it was so good. with that, all my doubts, my regrets faded away, and all i could do was bask in His goodness. and just be overwhelmed by the good he has done this year. just Him being Him. all the things He has taught me, teaching me about balance. if there was one thing i learned this year i can summarize it in one word: balance. i have yet to learn it. how to balance intimacy, ministry, school work, realtionships, which relationships to invest in, how to balance my time. help me God.

and as the song was playing i was soooo convicted by just how self-centered i was. how selfish i was, to be whining to God about all these things that didn't happen, to complain about how "my" ministry wasn't good enough. since when was it my ministry anyways? i don't do ministry for myself for goodness sake! but i realized how so many times during the year, it was always about me. my eyes weren't fixed on Jesus, but on myself, and with that i was blind to the spiritual reality of the good things God was doing around me. oh God, give me better spiritual senses a better spiritual awareness! my eyes were always fixed on myself, my problems, and always about how i could give God the best ministry. how because I love God so much, i just want to do something big for Him, to please Him, to give Him the best. and how soooo many times during the year, i was acting on my own strength. ACK. forgive me God, how selfish i am! i repent. help me to keep my eyes fixed on You alone.

~~~

so as of now i am in the middle of a two-week personal retreat/hermit status/no AIM facebook/disappear from the face of this planet to spend time with Jesus. and it has been sooo good. even if that means no JesusCulture (GAH) instead i can go to my brother's graduation and throw a birthday party for my sister and her friends and deep talks with mommy and 7am morning prayer at church crying out for ONETHING that is Jesus. and with that flow intimacy and revival.

okay here we go:

i have been learning alot these few days. actually more like three things: 1) intimacy 2) revival 3) waiting upon God.

i'm beginning to realize what makes me, me. i'm beginning to realize what my passions are, my gifts, what fuels me as a lover of Jesus. i'm realizing what i was created for. i'm finding out what being christian really means. what does a life of worship really mean? what does loving Jesus really mean? i'm returning to my firstlove.

okay that's all i have for now. ahhh i have so much more to say!