learning

confession: i've been working on this post for....3 days now. haha i never have the time to finish it aoidfja;oja;sldfi

i've been learning alot these days.

1) i have finally discovered my life calling! i have finally found what direction to take my life. i have finally discovered my dream, my life goal. i have finally discovered what God has been calling me to do with my life! ready?

i am called to be a lover of God.

yes, that's right. anti-climatic? perhaps. no. think about it for a bit.
my dream isn't to change the world for Jesus. that would be pretty nice. but that would be missing the point, that is Jesus. Jesus doesn't need me to change the world, He can change the world Himself, shoot. it isn't about having a super-holy ministry either. neither is it about the best way i can give up my life for Him. it isn't about me needing to do anything for Jesus a;osdfihasdofj. i sorta missed the point. God desires lovers over workers.

time to be perfectly honest with myself: i think too many times this past year i did ministry because i felt obligated to. i did it because i felt like i wanted to offer some service, some work to glorify God, cause He freaking deserves it. and i felt obligated to serve King Jesus because He did so much for me and i just wanted to offer him some sort of tangible work or service to show Him how much i really love Him. cause i really do love Him. and i really felt like it's because He has blessed me with His love i should lose my life to share it with the world and i totally got ahead of Jesus and what He wants for me. instead my mind was off making plans to have the best ministry using my logic, i didn't have time to love Jesus, to hear from Him to ask Him for direction, i didn't have the patience and i totally lost my firstlove Jesus. and i totally knew that was gonna happen. a'apoisfjaso;idf.

my dream is: what happens in my heart, my love affections with Jesus through the Holy Spirit.

my dream is:

I WANT TO LOVE JESUS MORE THAN ANYONE ELSE THAT EVER LIVED.

but that doesn't mean no ministry and just love Jesus. it is about the heart posture. and being sensitive to where the Holy Spirit is leading me. balance. balance. balance.

mommy put it quite simply. just do what i have to do.

my God, the creator of the universe has everything. but there is one thing He doesn't have. and He desires it so much. and that is my heart.
God, for me to comprehend that you want my heart? to comprehend that YOU are after my heart? my self-seeking, easily distracted, human, sinful heart? a heart that still struggles to sit still to gaze upon your beauty? that you God, in all your infinite-ness, in all your glory and splendor desire my heart. God, i am enthralled by your beauty.
God, to know that i have the ability to move your heart when i worship? that my broken self can move the heart of the heavenly of heavenlies?

2) God you don't desire work from me, but you desire my heart. i can't get caught up in doing things for God, my ministry, what to do with my life, etc. i still can't get that down.

3) live life with no regrets. someone said that if you live life with regrets that means you are questioning the will of God. hmm... i will just praise God always, always learning all that He is teaching me.

4) live life to the fullest. whatever that means.

5) embrace the "moments" of life: our lives are run by deadlines, by destinations, by visions, by goals, by a dream we strive to achieve. but more important than achieving the end goal is how you get there. it is about the journey, the moments of life that we take to get there. take salvation for example. Jesus isn't fire insurance to keep us from hell. we gotta love Him with all that we are.
moments: small touches of the Holy Spirit day by day. kbbq with the brother and sister. night time walks with the family.

6) live life abundantly. abundant life. to embrace Jesus. to pursue every opportunity and door God has opened for you wholeheartedly. to embrace the blessings of life God has poured over me. and not to be bound my myself, my insufficiencies, my "don't haves". not to be bound by comparing myself to others but to be soo satisfied with my gifts, what God is doing in my life

7) love deeply, extravagant love. everyone.

8) treasure relationships deeply

9) treasure family deeply. every talk with mommy, every prayer we pray together. the emails to dad. every meal with the family. driving the sister to soccer practice. making her laugh. deep talks with the brother.

10) treasure friendships deeply

11) abide in Jesus always. living in the presence of Jesus always.

i'm still learning.