He's faithful to the end

His love has been ruining my life. my mind, emotions, and feelings have been wrecked. He's wrecking it beyond the point of no return. i have been completely undone by Him. my life these past few weeks have been ruined. wasted beyond repair. and all i have been able to do is to run to him in cry out in hopes that He will see me and hear me. and He has.

He's brought me deeper and deeper into a holy desperation, a yearning, a groaning, a heartsickness, a lovesickness that i have never experienced before.it is a pain in my heart that screams to be with Him in the secret place. and to think that i assumed i knew what love is?

He has withheld the fullness of His glory, His manifest presence from me to create in me a cry, of tears. He has given me a lovesickness that burns and consumes me because i have tasted and seen the fullness of His beauty in the past, but it has been hard to do so now.

a season of joy. He has taken away my happiness that i find so easily in this world and He has caused me to come and approach Him to seek something far greater, an everlasting joy found complete in fullness only in His presence (ps. 16:11).

He has forced me into desperation. He has been kind to empty me. i wake up with an emptiness, a depression, a hopelessness, that has not been there before. so He has forced me on my knees to cry. and when i cry i know Daddy will always come. He will come to fill this emptiness, an emptiness that has been preoccupied by the worthless things of this world.

He has allowed my heart to feel heavy, he has allowed me to become weak so that He can be strong. so that He can show me what it feels to exchange my ashes for His beauty. so that i can experience His garment of praise for my heaviness.

a season of becoming the Bride. He is weeding out my garden. He is painfully removing every weed, every false desire that i put my hope in. He has been bringing me to a place where emotions, circumstances, approval from man, my pride mean nothing. He is weeding me from anything and everything that gives me false security, false pleasure, false identity, false desires, and all my false hope. and once my garden is fully weeded he can come and find a resting place and take delight in me.

He has burned me. and it hurts. His jealous love, His all-consuming fire is consuming my heart and burning away all my agendas, all my hopes and dreams, and every other lover until it is just me and Him alone in the garden.

He has been preparing my heart, purifying my heart to be one that is pure, spotless, and clean enough to be His bride. so that He can come and marry me.

a season of drawing me closer. He has caused me to come and approach Him in the secret place. 30 minutes are not enough. 1 hour is not enough. i get giddy at the thought of being with Him in the secret place. and not even have it be emotional or a feeling of His presence. but just to be with Him and His manifest presence...in class i get excited and super happy at the thought of the moment when i can be alone with Him. and that is what i look forward to! just to be with Him! to spend eternity here. and nothing else seems relevant anymore.

He has been fixing my eyes. cause my eyes suck. He's fixing them until they become dove's eyes, with undistracted devotion for Him alone. eyes that aren't fixed on myself, my emotions, my burdens. but eyes fixed on His beauty alone.

He has revealed to me how broken i am. and despite how willing my spirit may be, how weak is my flesh! and how weak my love is! and how far my heart is from steadfast love. but He has shown me His enjoyment, delight, and favor over me even in my broken love as i set my heart to genuinely, sincerely love Him, even in all my shortcomings. and i can still run to Him in full confidence despite my brokenness.

He has graciously tugged harder and He has been kind to overcome my fighting, my wrestling with Him. He has been kind to ignore each time that i brush His hand aside when He is trying to help me as He reminds me that everything He does shouts "HE LOVES ME". everything He does shows "HE DOES CARE". because He is a kind Daddy. He is a gracious Abba.

He is kindly increasing my capacity to love and to experience His love.

my hands are shaking as i write this and flip through my journal, i am being enthralled and exhilarated by His love once again.

Jesus, be my only satisfaction. Jesus, be my only passion.