surrendering of the soul

about a month ago i asked Him: how do i surrender my soul? what does it take? what does it take to be possessed, consumed by Your Spirit? i want it! i will do whatever it takes to achieve it!

i didn't get an answer. rather, He began a journey in me that i realized will only take a lifetime for me to discover.

i would like to think that i have Him all figured out. i like to wish that i knew exactly what He's saying to me, what He is teaching me, where He is leading me, what He is doing with my heart in and out of season, so i can journal it down, slap a label on it, put it on my shelf of truths, and perhaps even blog about it to share what He is doing with my heart.
i like to wish that His ways with me were simple and clear-cut, delivered to me in the form of a nice, neat, pretty package with a bow on top. i'd like to wish that His ways were pain-free, stress-free, straightforward, fast, and user-friendly. (like a macbook)
i like to think that i have all His ways figured out. i like to think that i knew exactly what He was doing on my heart every moment as i grow as a lover of Him.

but this time, i just don't know. and maybe that's okay. maybe it's okay to not know. maybe it's okay to have no clear direction of where He's leading me, no sense of destination, but to follow His every small movement.
maybe it's okay to wait upon Him not for the sake of a revelation, or a breakthrough, a truth, or another piece of wisdom. because in the end, i don't worship a revelation or a truth. yes, He is Truth and revelations help me see Him better, and He gives me such things as markers of our walk together, but in the end, they do not define my relationship in Him. in the end, i wait for a man, and His name is Jesus. i wait upon Him and the character of His goodness alone.

maybe for once, it's okay not to have everything figured out and pretend like i know what He is doing. but to realize that He is God and i am not. and to fall on my knees in humility and in love.

maybe that's what it means to surrender my soul. to let go and wait. to lay prostrate and let Him do the work in my heart. and not go out searching and seeking for answers to the million bajillion questions on my mind, but to be still and know Him alone.

but it meant for me to fall flat on my face. and for Him to reveal my self-righteous, take-things-into-my-own-hands, know-it-all, performance-driven spirit. to reveal a type of worship that lacked the patience to wait and let Him be God. a type of worship that brought burnt offerings and sacrifices instead of a broken and contrite heart. He continues to break me so that He can get rid of things that stand in my way of seeing Him. in the jealousy of His love, He breaks me so that He can give me more.
He does this because his mind is filled with me.

~~~

at the end of the day, it's only You.
to be lost in the gaze of Your eyes.
to be with You.

for now, life shall be these 3 things:
to walk in the cool of the day with You
to gaze on the beauty of all You do
to mediate on Your glorious splendor.

i was made for You