the voices pull me away from my devotion to You. they tell me to be this or that, to be this type of person, to be that type of leader, to become more _______. these voices tell me to pray harder, to minister more, to love more, to study more, to plan more, to work harder, to strive more, to become a better version of me that i have not yet reached (nor will i ever reach). they tell me that i'll never be good enough for You, they tell me that that i must have it all together in order to be worthy of You. they accuse me of wasting my life running in circles, never getting anywhere. they tell me that i have to be in a certain posture and a certain mindset to enter into your presence, they tell me that i need to have the newest nugget of revelation in order to receive Your love.
i'm tired of it.
finally, they tell me to strive more, to wrestle more, to contend for Your presence until i'm blue in the face in order to have You.
well, maybe i will. maybe i will never rest. maybe i will never stop contending. maybe my heart will never stop wrestling. maybe i will never be in a place where i feel like i'm okay with where i'm at with You.
because i must have You. i just must have more of You. i don't think i will ever be satisfied. You do satisfy, but on this side of heaven, until the day i see You face to face, i don't think it's ever going to be enough. i'm too hungry, too desperate, too thirsty, too stubborn to settle where i'm at right now and be content with what i already have with You. it's gonna take the rest of my life to achieve it, but i know. i know it's gonna be worth it all.
and when i'm tired of contending and when i realize i've been talking too much and over-thinking and being really silly, i'm gonna:
stop.
sit.
be still.
let go.
surrender.
receive.
i'm gonna wait,
and gaze on Beauty.
Beauty.
i was forever ruined the moment our gazes met.
~~~
sometimes i wonder if i've been irrational. i wonder if i've been too impractical, too narrow-minded. i wonder if i've been too extreme. i wonder if i've become obsessive, and i even wonder if i've been brainwashed by IHOP. i wonder if i've been too self-seeking, self-serving, self-pleasing in spending more time with You than loving others. i wonder if i've been too selfish in taking a step back from this world, from relationships, leaving behind others, in order to love You. i wonder just how badly i've failed as a minister, as a leader, as a world-changer, as a witness, as a light in this dark world. i wonder just how selfish have been in wasting my life away with You in the secret place, when i could be doing so many other things to serve You.
these voices are getting really loud.
they've been telling me to be someone else.
unfortunately for them, i now know who i am.
eric shi, lover of God. my only identity, and my only calling. to love You with all my heart, soul, strength, and mind.
and You were kind to remind me that i've chosen the good part, what is better. and it will not be taken away from me.
until then, i'll turn my glance into a gaze.
