i don't love Him because i am particularly good at loving. i don't love Jesus because i am a religious or a spiritual person, or because i have some special talent, or because it's a hobby i'm really good at. i don't love Jesus because i was born with an innate desire to love, nor because it's what my mind naturally thinks about. rather, it's quite the opposite. i'm easily distracted by the things of this world. my mind, my thoughts, my emotions are easily attracted to the praise i get from men, and i easily value my reputation over loving Him. i struggle daily with doubt, with dullness, and a heart that fails to love an intangible God that i can't see or feel. daily i wrestle with His goodness in my life and for those around me, and i am left empty, filled only with unbelief.
in this place, i come face to face with my depravity, the fullness of my sin and shame, and the extent of my brokenness. however, instead of sinking deeper and deeper into my despair, hopelessness, and the bottomless pit of depression, i realize how much more i need Jesus. more than yesterday. i realized that i can't love Jesus on my own, but i need Him to love Him. simply put, i can't love Jesus only because He loved me first.
my love for Jesus has one source. it comes from knowing His love for me. my passion for Jesus comes from knowing His passion for me. i'm motivated to love Him when i know just how much He loves me, and that He sees me.
so i turn my gaze upon the face of Love. i turn my every single thought, emotion, my entire attention and fix my thoughts on the person of Love. i study His love for me. His passionate love, His jealous love, love that endured getting beaten to a pulp and nailed to a cross left to die, to the one who gave it all to have me. because i forget. i forget if He really loves me that much. i forget if He's really worth it. i forget if He's worth my time, and my effort. i forget that He sees me, that He's thinking about me, and that He's been here with me the whole time. during these times, i realize that don't even know Him anymore, because if i did, i couldn't help but love Him. if i only knew how much He loves me, i can't help but run towards Him! (john 4:10)
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a few weeks ago i found this song, and it ruined me. (click on the 7th song) http://www.playlist.com/playlist/19433075467
set out 23 minutes, listen to it, and you will never be the same.
it ruins me in the sense that it forever changes the way i think and feel about Him, and the way i see Him. as His Spirit and my spirit collide, my old, broken, doubtful view of His love is destroyed, left in pieces. the song continues to wreck me even today because it brings me face to face with the person of Love. as dullness and the lies of the enemy accumulate over the days, my heart fills with doubt, and i begin to miss Him, blinded with a sense of His absence in my life. as His nearness and Truth leave me, i am left needing to be reminded by who He is. and as the song plays He embraces me and His nearness floods my heart, mind, and emotions. i finally let go of everything, my soul surrendered, and gaze upon the face of Jesus. He is beautiful, fairest among ten thousand, altogether lovely. i sit still and listen, allowing Him to whisper to my soul what He has been thinking about me for eternity past and eternity to come.
all i can do is melt into His arms.
oh, how i love you, God.
come, sweep me away.
