holy discontent

i have reached a point with Him where if i miss a day or two of waiting, my soul literally aches. it's an anxious, unsettled feeling in my heart, one that eats away at every other task i attempt to accomplish throughout my day. a reverberating voice in my head screams "oh, how i miss You!" classes, relationships, and schoolwork seem meaningless as everything seems to fall apart, and i feel like a fish out of water, gasping for a breath of fresh air. my soul gasps for a moment where i can sit, be still, and gaze upon the Holy One. here, i can finally breathe. here, the panting deer can finally take a drink from the stream. how refreshing!

i've realized that my spirit has reached a point where it must encounter the Holy Spirit on a continual basis (cultivating the oil of intimacy), or else my spirit begins to decay. as i lose the sweet fragrance of Holy Spirit, i begin to smell the stagnant odor of a dull spirit creep up on me. the dry spirit is a thirsty one.

Jesus' love for me is the most profound concept i will ever come to know. the moment i say "Jesus loves me" and it fails to move my heart, i confess of a dull spirit, of a lukewarm heart, and i ask Him to tenderize my heart.

in a world where so many things scream for my attention, i need to learn how to say no to the things that bring me farther away from Him and yes to the things that bring me closer to Him. yet as one who is prone to self-sacrifice for the gain of others, how do i prioritize the self-gain of my own heart compared to my call to love others? where is the line drawn between a selfish heart (one in it for my own gain only) and a foolish heart (stretching myself so thin at the cost of losing my oil)? help me LORD.