i like to have control.
i like to believe the lie that control brings security.
security because control gives me the power to make things happen the way i want it, when i want it.
security because control means no longer worrying about things turning out in a way that i didn't want it to.
security because control means i only need to depend on one person: myself. and i like to trust and depend on my own abilities, judgements, and performance more than anything or anyone else on the face of this planet. i like to call it a self-sufficient spirit (you must die), a spirit that says "i don't need you, God. i got this all under control."
this is the part of the story where i fall flat on my face. splat!
the surrendering of my soul will be a lifelong journey. and i'm realizing that my longing for wholehearted surrender and abandonment in my worship is actually rooted in a longing for security. yes, security isn't found in other people. neither is security found in myself.
i can't put trust in myself. i can't put hope in myself. what i mean is when i depend on myself, i turn everything into a performance-driven game, where i must perform well to meet my own expectations. in doing so, i set myself up for disappointment. and when i don't perform well, i begin to hate myself, hate my humanity, my human-ness, and my weakness. over and over again i collide with a spirit of performance, where i'm never good enough, where my weakness is ugly to Him and the lies tell me that He is disgusted at my weak love. oh, what horrible lies!
and He's been kind to allow me to fall flat on my face over and over again until i realize that maybe i don't have it all together. that i might actually need Him more. more than yesterday.
it's gonna take a while for this one to travel from the mind to the heart.
help me Holy Spirit, to trust. your friendship is so sweet.
~~~
it's funny how the more i ask Him to teach me about surrender, the more i find myself in places where the grip on my life and the complications and details and excessive thinking gets tighter and tighter until it consumes me. my heart becomes chained down and my spirit becomes overwhelmed, gasping for a breath of fresh air, desperate for a taste of freedom.
once again, i come face to face with an upside down kingdom:
where losing my life is the only way to gain it.
where surrender is the means to security.
where trust is to let go of everything, run towards, grab hold of the man Christ Jesus, and never let go.
where security means not having it all together and to surrender. to stop doing, stop striving, stop wrestling, and to sit and receive, to wait upon the One who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.
oh, how good it is to trust in the LORD!
such freedom there is in surrender!
when He comes, all i can do is stand in silence, to look up, and to gaze.
in this place, i will never be put to shame.
