the wilderness

few say yes to it. it's a place of testing (james 1:3), trials (james 1:2), refining (rev. 3:18), purifying (rev. 19:7), purging (gal 5:24), self denial (matt 16:24), death to self (phil 1:21), shaking (heb 12:27), breaking-and-molding (2 cor 4:7). the wilderness is characterized with seasons of pain, distress, (light and momentary) affliction, weakness, temptation, doubt, and suffering. such seasons are filled with wrestling, contending, warfare, persevering, toiling, striving, enduring. and throughout it all, we wonder: is this what i signed up for? is this what i said yes to when i agreed to follow You no matter the cost? where is the joy? the freedom? the peace that You claim to offer?

we do whatever we can to avoid the wilderness. we busy ourselves with distractions, any temporary (inferior) pleasure to keep us from coming face to face with the barrenness that is the depravity of our soul and a lack of any good thing apart from the love of Jesus. there is something very uncomfortable about the barrenness of a human heart exposed to the glory of God. as our heart is put into the refining furnace of His love, impurities come out--suddenly our loneliness, emptiness, and insecurities are exposed. suddenly, i realize that i don't trust God as much as i thought i did...God, are you really good? are you there God? i'm really hurting right now. if you really are as good as you say you are, why is there so much crap in my life? why do You feel so far? do You really care about me? God this sucks, i am so sad right now. we get uncomfortable, and we want out of the fire as soon as possible, and we settle--we make our way to the wide road of lukewarm christianity, where we don't have to deal with the discomforts of what ultimately is offense at God. how could you put me through that, God? we leave and we jump right back into the busy-ness of christian routine and hide under our religious christian "label" and grind out our mundane and unfulfilling life until we die and (supposedly) reach heaven. (my bad for being so blunt)

the saddest thing about wilderness seasons is that by avoiding them, we are actually denying a gift straight from the Father's heart. by indulging ourselves in temporary distractions, chasing after broken cisterns that which dull our ears to the whispers of His voice alluring us into the wilderness, we are ultimately missing out on the fountain of life, superior pleasures found at His right hand! it's His kindness and His grace that beckons us to come closer to His throne of grace. it is an invitation to come and enter into the fullness of life! it begins with allowing Him to surface the doubts, fears, offense, insecurities so deeply rooted in our hearts that we didn't even know they were there in the first place, and surrender at the foot of the cross, so that we may live a life of freedom and abundant life (john 10:10).

one of the hardest things about the wilderness is to believe that we are making progress. am i just running in circles, God? God, you feel so far right now, are you really doing a work in my heart right now? i'm so frustrated right now, sitting here wrestling with You. i don't think i'm getting anywhere. yet by faith we take things day by day, step by step, renewing our spirit in His daily mercies, as we deny the lies that tell us anything otherwise, cling to His promises (rom 8:28), and set our eyes on the goal of seeing His face.

i need a perspective shift. yes, to be poor in spirit (matt 5:3) and to recognize every good and perfect gift comes from His throne of grace (james 1:17). to set my eyes upon His ways, to seek and say yes to every word that comes from His mouth, that i may remain abiding in His word (ps 119), and not mine. to humble my stubborn, prideful, self-centered self and realize my lack of knowing what is good for myself apart from Him. all i have to offer Him is my broken and weak heart (ps 51:17) and a "yes" cry of my heart. oh that i may die to my self-preserving love for myself (john 12:25) and take joy in sweet adoration! oh that i may submit and surrender my every desire and look towards the joy set before me found at the day i see Him face to face. though the satisfaction is not instantaneous, i know it will be worth it.

until then, i will say yes to the wilderness, and offer all my heart. my Dad has big, steady hands, He knows what He's doing.

i will embrace the ache of a lovesick heart