the heart of intercession

i never saw myself as an "intercessor". i never liked labels like that, or hearing people say that they have been "called to intercession". Jesus commanded all of us to pray for the harvest right? then in my opinion, we are all called to intercession in one way or another.

these past few weeks i have been wrestling with God in the area of intercession. i realized that i have been praying the same prayers over UCSD for the past 4 years. for the past 4 years i've lost count of the number of times i have asked Him to "send revival", to "pour out His Spirit", and for the "fullness of His kingdom to come on earth at UCSD as it is in heaven". what have i done wrong, God? did i not pray enough? not with enough conviction? not with enough intensity? what did i miss? help me to know i am on the right track.

this week as i wrestled with entering into another season of prayer and fasting, i couldn't but help to feel weary and disappointed. broken dreams, unmet expectations, a sense of hopelessness began to flood me. God, i've fasted and prayed many times before already. how is this time going to be any different? God, do you really love this campus more than i do? if you do, why don't you just move and do something already? <--childish side of me

i began to doubt even the most basic foundational truths of prayer. lies began to fill me (how i hate you devil!) God, do you even hear my prayers? do my broken, weak, inconsistent prayers even make a difference? would the spiritual environment have been any different had i not prayed?
i even began to wrestle with basic questions like "why pray?". as a leader of prayer on this campus, it seemed like a pretty ridiculous and embarrassing thing to be asking. it definitely showed how much faith i (did not) have.

as i waited upon the LORD, He brought me back to the heart of intercession. God, help me to pray not to see things happen, or for tangible results. forgive me for the times i have put results above having you. help me to know that you are sovereign. that you are God and that your timing and your ways are perfect. forgive me for thinking that i know better. forgive me for making it about me me me me and not you you you you.

For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
   neither are your ways my ways, declares the LORD.
isaiah 55:8

yes, i know without a doubt God has been moving in many ways. i'm just really stubborn and not easily satisfied.
there has to be more.
until then, i will keep praying. i will keep asking.
there has to be more.